Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

I would give tough love.

I'd send a message saying something along the lines of ' ok, not sure why you want to go no contact, please feel free to tell us. Moving forward, if you don't want owt to do with us, how are you going to pay your phone and hall costs as of course these will stop immediately.
Please don't take me for a mug, I'm not being ignored and also paying your bills.'

He can't keep his cake and eat it at the same time.

Yep, say you respect his decision and you won’t insult him by continuing to pay his phone bill.

Bravo!

this feels like it's all autism to me
HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf i totally agree with you. I’m also really sorry to hear your son is struggling to access training. I feel like parents of kids with ND havent been listened to about many issues affecting young people; but specifically on gender identity, given that theirs are the young people most highly represented. Women speaking as half the population are only just beginning to be heard on gender identity politics, so I’m not holding my breath.

Gender identity and the social responses to it have been politicised and exploited to the long term harm of many ND kids. And the charities for supporting autistic people and children seem to have all hopped on board with that quite happily, which is awful leaving even less support available. Parents of kids and adults with additional needs are struggling more than ever on all sorts of things, as demand is rising and public services have fallen apart.

I think he is going through a delayed adolescence.He is confused and experimenting with who he is.
I would do as you are doing, let him know he is loved and supported and ride it out.
He will come back to you as he grows up, I am sure.Difficult for you but you will get there.

It sounds like your approach is well meaning but I wonder if the ‘ok dear, how is uni?’ bit is coming across as dismissive of a massive thing that your child has opened up to you about. It will have taken a huge amount of courage to share in the first place and it sounds like you are scared to have an open conversation about it and are just carrying on as normal. As I said, you are obviously well meaning and loving but I am just offering a potential perspective on why your child might be distancing themselves.

When he came home for a week, did you not ask him if he wants a chat about it all. That's it's a shock to you, but you love him and wants to understand what he's going through?
To just ignore it and say "oh lovely" is not supportive.
But, he can't cut you of but expect money.

He is confused and experimenting with who he is.
Why are all these young people 'confused'.

I have been working with young people for nearly 40 years and never known anything like the last 7 or so years.

Out of the about 90odd teens that have claimed they were trans that I've worked with in the last few years all, within a year, went back to their original name. and status. This is the same expierence for my colleagues.
I have no idea why this is happening and how it all started.

This is such an awful situation, it seems like a vulnerable young person, who clearly wasn't emotionally ready for the independence of leaving home has been identified as such, and targeted by a cult. As he has already gone through male puberty, he will never pass as the opposite sex, and those who are telling him he will are obviously not acting in his best interests.

I never thought I would utter these words, but thank goodness for Donald Trump - as they say, when the US sneezes the [Western] world catches a cold, and hopefully your DS' cohort will be the last one to be caught up in this gender ideology cult - and hopefully it will mean that young people like your son will be able to return to reality as unscathed as possible.

I was thinking this too - can you engineer it by saying that the dog is missing you, can we bring the dog up for the weekend to see you and we can all go on a long walk?

It would be useful to see who is hanging out with but I doubt he’d let you into that part of his life at the moment.

So sorry that you're going through this OP. Sadly there's a type of adult involved in many trans groups who push parental alienation as a thing. Children and young people pick up on this at a time in their lives when they're rightly trying to strike out in life independently while lacking the life experience / maturity to manage this safely.

Fwiw, I think you're doing the right thing remaining "passive" about this and seeing where it leads. Presumably he's going to reach a point where the cognitive dissonance of expecting financial / housing support from the family he now deems as oppressive will emerge? I'm glad that my parents allowed me to express my intolerant teenage views without major repercussions and that I did the same with my children. We've all emerged from it all with family relationships intact - and we try not to mention the teenage fuckwittery too often 😅.

*I expect by carrying on as normal you're "oppressing" "her" "authentic self" What you should be doing is giving tons more attention and telling "her" how stunning and brave "she" is etc etc. After all, "she" is now the most oppressed ever.

As you haven't done all that you are obviously bigots and deserve to be cut off*

I agree with this. Your family didn't create enough drama around the coming out so you're not suitable for supporting going forward.

I think your approach of continuing to finance him is correct. I don't know a huge amount about this but I have seen online discussions which suggest anecdotally that trans people are much more likely to end up in sex work (Only Fans etc). I know that must be alarming to read and it's a worst case scenario. But I think cutting him off would be opening him up to suggestions like this from whoever is currently manipulating/grooming him. It would presumably be unlikely he'd go that far. But it's a risk I would not take with any child. Apologies if that was a panic inducing post. One of the previous posters mentioned transitioning often being quickly reversed so that is hopeful.

Why would you post on here if you genuinely want to support for your child?

Oh op ,this sounds heart breaking- just some ideas off the top of my head: please read non violent communication and you may find the coddling of the American mind useful to understand the younger generations tendency to get offended by others actions without considering the INTENT. Some stock phrases that may give you a way in: ‘ there’s such a lot of conflicting info about trans issues on the internet I’m sorry we got it so wrong for you’ ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through- but I’d like to try to understand’ ‘I have lots of confusing feelings about you coming out and about you alienating me I’d like to put those feelings to one side so I can support you but I’m sorry if they sometimes burst/leak out’ family therapy might really help. But therapy for you asap will help. Decide what’s your top priorities and pick your battles. Good luck - it’s not your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong this is just crappy all round xxx

What is it with this obsession of being validated^^ all the time? It is so harmful and needs to be stamped out. Guess what? Nobody is required to validate anybody else's choices. That does not mean that person is being abusive, it just means they may not agree. And that has to be okay. God I can't wait for this nonsense to die a death.

The most 'uncalled for' award for today goes to.....

Quite - it sounds very Kevin the teenager, doesn't it? Harry Enfield would have a field day with all this stuff.

Poor parenting and lack of religion, lack of belief in God, on which everything was built both in the Western and Eastern civilisations. Look at the strong faith-based Islam-following families, where they don't place little shits, 'experimenting with their sexuality' on a pedestal, the pedestal is reserved for God, as it should be. No believer will ever be wondering 'am I trans'? No believer would ever be worshipping consumerism and going 'me, me, me'. It is a shame that modern Christian families shun religion and feel embarrassed of it. Modern parents look everywhere and anywhere when problems hit, but in the right direction.

Of course it is late for the OP to change anything, apart from cut their dc off financially, but maybe the OP post will alert MN readers? Be helpful to them in the future, when they embark on parenthood?

If you're going to cut them off, you'll have to reconcile yourself with the fact that the narrative around this will be "My parents cut me off because I told them I was Trans", because that's what they'll tell everyone and that's probably how they'll see it, for a while.

It does feel like you could have done a bit more when they came home. Regardless of your opinion on it, coming home 'out' was probably one of the biggest moments in your child's life, and you spent their entire visit glossing over it.

@PhilomenaPunk indeed.

Trans is just about the only condition that cannot exist without the oxygen of validity.

This was clearly demonstrated by the Lia Thomas debacle.

The solution of creating an Open Category to cater for him and others like him was completely rejected. Not one taker. Why? Because there was a) no rara squad of fellow 'trans' or handmaids to validate his stunning and brave decision to race against women, and b) he couldn't 'get off' on the pleasure of harming and subjugating women unless he was beating them in the pool.

Do you think you were too ‘unfazed’, almost like nothing extraordinary had happened? Maybe he felt that your unquestioning acceptance was like you being in denial and hoping it would all go away? Did you ask him non- confrontationally about how things were going for him in his ‘new’ life? I’m not at all suggesting you did or said anything wrong, but it must be so difficult to walk the tightrope between appearing unconcerned, despite being very concerned, and coming across as uninterested.
I can completely understand your pov about not seeing the need for a fanfare, but going from a friend’s experience with her son, it soon became obvious to her that her acceptance of now having a daughter had to include clothes shopping, make-up advice etc., which she found incredibly difficult.

The toxic combination of social media and the unforgivable behaviour of schools, universities, politicians and all the organisations that should be safeguarding kids that have allowed a lie to be pushed at the young. Just when their hormones are all over the place, they're struggling with their growing bodies, bad faith adults have been allowed to gaslight them that sex change is possible and desirable, truth and facts are transphobic as is anybody who fails to comply with their extreme demands.

As a society we've collectively failed young people by giving Stonewall, Mermaids, Gendered Intelligence and countless organisations the power to break down the social contract and to gaslight children to extreme levels.

I would have no time for this whatsoever.

He wants to cut you off? He also cuts off your funding. Fuck that.

I wonder whether, as the trans agenda is being revealed and reversed (mostly gradually through court cases in the UK, much more suddenly in the US) our youngsters are being encouraged more and more to cut us off.

My (also Asperger’s) son is now no-contact after a concocted row, where he finally decided that my terfism was no longer acceptable, even though I have been campaigning for years. He’s not transitioning, so far as I know, but is extremely defensive over “trans friends” who I might, apparently hurt, even though there is no evidence to back that assertion.

It feels to me like a last ditch attempt to cause maximum pain and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if transactivism was pushing this as a tactic.

Not any help to you, OP, but I am still paying his phone bill (he doesn’t need more) on the grounds that I want to be the reasonable person and he can have no evidence suggesting I’ve done anything to harm him, if anyone external questions what I have done.