Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support.

This is a lie.

You’ve not had one positive thing to say about their transition.

What could OP possibly say?

I knew you were going to say they were Autistic before I eve read the post. My son is Autistic.

Because he's vulnerable it's very difficult to just say off you go then. All you can do is say clearly I love you no matter what is going on.

What else can you do other than just call them she or whatever preferred pronoun. It feels a battle you just won't win now. It's not your fault. Some things are out your control. You can't apologise for your thoughts on it all but you love them.

I don't know ref the money. Part of me thinks just keep funding it and accept what's going on because what other choices do you have.

You really cannot fix this. I feel some things we cannot do anything about. This feels like one of them.

Ds1 saw this sort of drama woe is me at uni when he was there. People who had originally said what a great family they came from and how close they all were to changing who they were and suddenly declaring their parents didn't understand them and wanting nothing to do with them but still putting their hand out for the monthly allowance and hadn't considered summer accommodation if not returning home or how the hell they were going to move all their stuff out as they had come to uni in their parent's car. Ds asked that and saw the realisation on one person's face when they hadn't even thought that far ahead.

If this were me I would keep up the communication from your end, keep on paying the allowance. As it gets closer to Easter ask about does he want collecting from uni to come home.

I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you especially when they are far away and communication from their end is radio silence.

id also be worried about how well he is doing at uni. There’s a point where just giving him money is one thing, but is he turning up to lectures and engaging in the course. Yes you’ve said you’ll support him but there has to be a point to it.

I assume he comes home in the holidays, is he still in halls?

"The concept of being female was being stereotyped".

Just wanted to say that's a good way of putting it.

But sorry to hear what you're going through.

I believe it's to do with the fact so many are Autistic and struggling with this and other co morbidities.

The trans part just adds to all the difficulties they're already dealing with internally and then externally.

I agree with the sentiment, whatever you do you are in the wrong.

Our now post university child is rewriting their history about what kind of parents we have always been, saying we never went to parents evenings for example, when I went to all of them, and I have their younger siblings to confirm this too .

I can recall the things we looked at, teachers who said memorable things, at the parents evenings over the years.

But we apparently, we never went, one of a long line of terrible things we are supposed to have done.

There is no arguing with this, and I’m currently ignored and blocked

I can’t do anything about it. It’s sad that their partner will believe it, and that they seem to believe it too.

I would arrange to go and see him and talk. Say you aren't losing contact without a fight because you love them very much.

All of this but this most of all.

I would probably offer reassurance - as well despite fact he's stated he estranged you - you are still continuing with monetary support as you love them and want they to succeed - will help with financial data for student loans and possible act as guarantor in second and third years. That you still love to hear that are well and if they need anything from you.

Refusing to engage in financial string pulling does make sense - and clearly not considered as potential pitfall issue by student - I would try and highlight it a choice you choosing to show love and support every month to them with financial assistance despite them cutting you off and hope like hell something shifts with time.

Quite a famous reference, actually.

It's also a threat.

He's autistic and doesn't deal with emotions very well.
All you can do is to send the normal messages. Don't expect a response. "He's" obviously struggling with anything that ties "him" to his old self. This will take some adjustment for him and you. Continue to be supportive you are doing the right thing

I have always told my autistic son that he had better not try to use his autism as an excuse for rudeness or selfishness because it won't wash with me. The same would go for someone going around pretending to be the opposite sex. Dress how you want, behave how you want (within the law) with your friends, that's all fine once you are past a certain age, but it's not any form of excuse for being rude to me or anyone else. I would not reward anyone else's rudeness and selfishness by giving them money and sending them cakes. I wouldn't do so to my own child either.

If you haven't noticed there has always been anti-trans people & male-to-female are the most at risk for violence so yes a major public figure who doesn't support LGBT+ causes is going to embolden some people

I would be worried if I couldn't get ahold of my child & furious if they were doing it on purpose to create a personality

So if he wants to go missing & have no contact he can bloody well suffer the consequences of a missing person (lack of privacy, people turning up at his home, information being released about him ect.)

It's not a joke. This is somebody's child they can't get ahold of

OP I am not trans but when I was 22 I eloped with my university boyfriend. My parents stopped supporting me financially then and in my culture it is normal for young adults to be supported by parents esp when beginning a new career. My parents disagreed with everything I did and felt I was ruining my life but I was even more defiant as a result. I moved into DH's studio, married, his mum supported us by allowing us to move into her home, we bought our flat in London 4 years after I eloped, we are still married 10 years on and I am expecting our first child. My parents are still horrified at what I did and don't understand why I didn't accept their wisdom or why I reject their money (after they cut me off, I even eloped with only 600 euros cos they kept my savings and they only returned it to me years later).. I was never NC but minimal contact with them as conversations were very uncomfortable with them given they are really super snobby.

That's the thing, if you cut him off there is a chance he will figure out life and even if the outcome looks 'bad' to you, to my wealthy parents, I look extremely penniless, they will be empowered by whatever steps they manage to take on their own.. I guess you have to decide what outcome you want.

No believer would be worshipping consumerism? It’s very naive to think there isn’t big money, private jets and mansions among those who ‘believe’.

Anway I don’t want to derail the thread but your post is ridiculous.

Trans people have existed as long as the world has been around. Being intersex is as genetically common as being red haired. Many people do not know they are intersex, as they would only learn through specific testing. Assigning gender at birth is done visually only, based on the look of genitalia. This often changes. Biological sex is much more complicated than most knuckle daggers here will ever believe.

No one is doing anyone any harm whatsoever by expressing a different gender identity than the one they were given at birth. Suicide rates in trans youth are so high because of the lack of support. They are one of the most vulnerable groups of people. Don’t be an arse about something you absolutely do not understand.

A gish gallop of easily debunked propaganda.

An awful post containing a number of evident untruths. Including the false statement about children and suicide.
The Samaritan's advise that nobody should be attributing reasons for suicide to groups. In case you can't be bothered to read the link, an extract:

"Speculation about the ‘trigger’ or cause of a suicide can oversimplify the issue and should be avoided. Suicide is extremely complex and most of the time there is no single event or factor that leads someone to take their own life.

...Young people are more susceptible to suicide contagion".

www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/media-guidelines/media-guidelines-reporting-suicide/

Sorry I don’t have time now to RTFT, but wanted to respond quickly to this bit of your OP -

Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him.

IME there is a great deal of this surrounding any trans narrative. My late teens DD announced she was non-binary a couple of years ago but is now veering towards male presentation and I think we’ll be in the same situation as you after she leaves for uni (not the no contact, hopefully, but certainly the “I’m now a man” announcement).

Teenagers are obviously prone to drama for drama’s sake (the nonsense and ghosting and beef and gossip feels neverending), but there’s a particular outpouring of RL and online support for those who can boast a traumatic or high octane ‘coming out’ story. It’s very easy to whip up a deluge of attention and vicarious outrage for those who have ‘unsupportive’ families.

I’ve been totally baffled by my DD’s representations of conversations we’ve had, and there’s a lot of therapy speak and terms like ‘journey’ thrown around - it’s almost like she’s actively trying to give anything we say or do a negative spin in order to have a better story to tell. She’s definitely egged on in this by some of her social circle, but it’s not representative of our relationship at all.

A good friend of mine has a gay son of a similar age. His sexuality was honestly fairly obvious for some years, but following his coming out I was astonished to hear through a third party the tales he’d been telling at school about how terrible his family’s reactions were, how he felt ostracised and alone, when I know for sure he’s had nothing but support and acceptance.

We live in an attention economy. These kids have known nothing else, and SM has only worsened and heightened normal teenage drama, rebelliousness and indignation - especially amongst emotionally immature teens.

I hope your situation resolves happily for all of you, and I’d hold out hope that the whole no contact thing is just a knee jerk bit of attention-seeking. I wouldn’t cut him off financially straight away, but I’d make it clear that you’re considering that option (ask why he thinks you should support an adult who no longer wishes to have a relationship with you) and encourage him to have a proper conversation with you about what he thinks the future will look like for you as a family.

Either way, you have my sympathy - grappling with this stuff is utterly exhausting, endlessly worrying and just … shit.

And yes @MissDoubleU "trans" people have indeed been around for ever, as in people who dress and present as a stereotype of the opposite sex, for any of a lot of different reasons. A person who has actually changed sex have never existed once in the history of humanity.

I just also wanted to offer support.
It sounds like you're doing the right things and have had some good suggestions.
I'm not sure about the supporting him aspect, I might be inclined to continue this term but then let him know that from next term onward he'll need to make other plans. This is because he has rejected you and not because you are rejecting him.
He's not the first to go to Uni and return as a characature of a woman, sadly.

This is exactly the kind of drama, exaggeration, misinformation and hyperbole I’m talking about.

It’s endemic in this shrieking victim-centric world of ‘everyone hates us because we’re special and different’.

Op, I am so sad for you that you, your son, and wider family are going through this. I do think that there is a real issue with autistic teens being emotionally several years behind their peers, and seizing on anything that can ‘explain’ their differences, without having the emotional maturity or experience to be discerning. (SEN parent here).
One thing that really struck me was your description of their behaviour as aping stereotypes of how women behave, rather than how women actually behave. This is something I have increasingly observed, that it becomes almost a cosplay situation where young people are acting an idea of femininity/ womanhood that bears little relation to reality. It is all rooted in stereotypes that are actually pretty misogynistic. These can become quite unpleasant caricatures of femininity.
I really hope your young person receives the support they need from University to establish who they are as an autistic young person, warts and all, and that they reach out to you again. It honestly doesn’t sound like they really are trans (friends of mine who are knew from early childhood, so it wouldn’t be a new thing if real), and I hope they recover soon.

If you know where he lives can you go there at the weekend and talk face to face, I don’t think this can be best resolved over the phone / texts / e-mails

This is exactly the kind of drama, exaggeration, misinformation and hyperbole I’m talking about.

It’s endemic in this shrieking victim-centric world of ‘everyone hates us because we’re special and different’.

Yes, it's quite illustrative of the type of people OP's son is probably being influenced by. Its not healthy.