Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

I went through something similar, @crochetedcat and feel very lucky that I was already in the middle of some family therapy with DC at the time, over an non-directly related issue (bereavement), and that I got great advice from the psychologist.
I thought it might help you to hear that her strong advice was that I approach it as you have - 'that's nice dear, thanks for telling me,' and then avoid discussing LGBT issues as far as possible, focusing on healthy mutual interests instead. She explained it's relatively common for a young person to get caught up in something 'extreme and exciting' via a new group of friends at uni, who whip up a script that encourages family estrangement, but that these are often 'unreliable' friends, who DC can have an early fall out with, in which case they rebound back to family. And step one for a parent in going against this script is refusing to argue or debate DC's new exciting life, though at the same time hold a boundary of not rushing into actively supporting it, if it's harmful. (Which in my opinion ROGD is.)
Within a few weeks DC was furious that I was (apparently) underwhelmed and started ignoring me, refused to return as planned to attend the next therapy session, and then told me we were now estranged. However the psychologist encouraged me to note how DC was talking estrangement but not wholly going through with it yet - similar to you, with your DS remaining in family group chats. She advised me not to be the one to snip those remaining links, and prove DC's new friends right, but to spend a few months instead on strengthening them as best I could. In your case that would maybe mean extra photos of the dog on group chat, not cutting off financial support, gently insisting you need to view prospective year 2 house before acting as guarantor, etc. (I was pretty terrified, as DC had inherited some money, so I didn't have the purse string link.)

In our case all this worked and within 3 months DC jettisoned those friends, after one of them behaved appallingly by breaking confidences on social media, and fled home, before restarting on a different course/uni after a year out, and is now about to graduate. So I'm exceedingly grateful for the advice I got not to cut ties. I know not all these situations have such a quick and positive resolution, but I thought I'd pass on mine. And that I think your judgement so far has been spot on.

I've been through something a little bit similar. I think there is an awful lot of pressure and encouragement in those circles to go no contact. Given none of them are exactly financially independent I don't know what they imagine that will look like. It reminds me a lot of the second Bridget Jones movie where Bridget is in a Thai prison and all the women are moaning about their boyfriends and she is joining in and it turns out their boyfriends are pimps who give them heroin to have sex with men and when they ask about her boyfriend she mutters he told her he didn't like her cardigan.

Sorry but I'd report him missing even if just too the school. To teach him a lesson

It's one thing to take the piss change your personality it's anothing thing to cut all ties

I imagine you weren't giving him the grief/upset he was looking for so has convinced himself your just ignoring him as that's what he's heard in his new social group.

If my autistic son came out as gay I'd say 'Ok, we love you whatever' or something along those lines. I certainly wouldn't make a big deal of it or feel the need to have a deep chat about it or want to understand 'what he is going through'. Why is it different with being trans?

@RoyalCorgi @Fordian

My theory is that they secretly know it's nonsense and need others to validate their ideas as they utterly lack confidence in it themselves.

I'm a lesbian and at no point in my life have I ever needed to be validated. Why? Because I know what I am and my sense of self is immovable and immune to external forces. So no need for anyone else to agree with me, to validate me or to put me on a pedestal. But I guess my approach is also quite boring and does not feed into the "special little flower" narrative that I assume can be very intoxicating to some.

Why are all these young people 'confused'.

I have been working with young people for nearly 40 years and never known anything like the last 7 or so years.

Pure social contagion via the internet and social media, imo the COVID lockdown where many young people had to spend large amounts of time online has sent it into hyperdrive as well.

My child recently revealed they think they are female and a lot of these posts missing the mark in that they simply don't understand the vulnerability of this population who are young males, autistic and declaring a trans identity.

I would arrange to go and see him and talk. Say you aren't losing contact without a fight because you love them very much.

My young person was actually quite understanding when I explained that whilst we understood it is what they feel they need to do, for us it is harder than for friends because we loved them in their male form so very much and from the first moment they were born. "It's not that I don't want to love Tamara just as much; it's just that I really really loved Tom and it takes a while to get used to; I will make mistakes and it will be hard for me". In my case I find myself completely unable to use the chosen name and pronoun. We get round it by using their initial 'T' and calling them that, and avoiding any pronoun whenever possible. I also noted that their new name was not a rejection of family - they used the same naming conventions we used and shared for all our children in choosing their new name. I found this very comforting in a strange way. Whatever this us, for my adult child It's not a rejection of family or roots.

I live in hope that this needs will fade away and trying to walk a line between supporting but not enabling. For example, I bought a necklace (from a men's company) and a unisex floral shirt/blouse for Christmas, so there is some acknowledgement of who they feel they are without "pandering" or "dismissing". But I guess in time my aim is that my vulnerable young person doesn't do anything they can't walk back from if they change their mind, in haste.

I guess I may have to get used to their new identity and so I want to leave it possible that either they desist or they don't, with our relationship intact.

I expect that this is far more about the autism and coping with the challenges of university life. I would handle it from the that perspective and just give him some time and offer him support if he needs it.

It's narcissism. Nothing is enough. Their need to be adored is a bottomless pit.

Not saying this is OP, but sometimes I also think some of these young people in middle-upperclass households in particular have been emotionally neglected in their childhood. They have all the gadgets they need, have had private education and lots of foreign holidays, but they've never felt really seen or by their parent, and don't really feel that connection. They then lash out and and do things that causes the parent distress, in order to get that attention and make their parent run after them, which might be the most attention they've ever had in their life.

Others want everyone to be as enthused and onboard with their identity as they are, and if the response is not as glittery as they hoped, they get terribly upset and feel their entire being has been rejected.

I have known people whose children have done the same — all of them autistic. The woman I know best would tell you that your son (he's male, he's always going to be your son) has joined a cult that will be encouraging him to cut ties with you unless you play the game of telling him how pleased you are and how admirable he is for bravely expressing his true feminine self yada yada yada.

This is a no win situation for you. As with anyone who's joined a cult, apart from kidnapping them and trying to deprogram them, there's very little you can do. He'll probably come back to you in his own time when he needs a place to stay and money, but you don't have to give him everything he demands. Playing a game of 'If you don't support me financially/ with housing you will never see me again' is abusive and while many parents go along with the game through fear, others decide to draw and hold boundaries.

You should be able to find support via the Bayswater Group:
https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/about_us/

Be prepared for university staff to take a strong pro-trans line: privately many will be very sympathetic and as pissed-off with this social contagion as you are, but during working hours they are required to be pro-trans. When you speak to them make it clear that your son is a vulnerable young adult and you are concerned about safeguarding measures. Keep repeating the words vulnerable and safeguarding. Good luck. Remember, you are allowed to establish your own boundaries: don't let him set all the rules for this game.

So maybe not cut them off instantly but tell them you will be paying the accommodation until the end of this university year and they needs to get a job and place to stay for the summer or they can communicate like the adult they claim to be

Pandering doesn't seem to help people much

I wouldn't equate money with him doing what you want. You agreed he was to go to uni so pay what the govt says you should. And leave the door open, I don't think this non contact will last

I think by cutting him off financially you'd be playing into the "my parents hate me because I'm trans' trope. And possibly be painting him into a corner. He's trying to provoke you into drama and your "that's nice dear" didn't work. I think a cheery text every week, a few dog photos and keeping the standing orders and phone bills going - without any confrontation on your side keeps the door open - for now.

ETA I certainly wouldn't be asking him where he's staying over the summer or who he's going to get to be guarantor on next year's house or whether he needs you to do your SF finance calc, I'd drop the rope there.

My (also Asperger’s) son is now no-contact after a concocted row, where he finally decided that my terfism was no longer acceptable, even though I have been campaigning for years. He’s not transitioning, so far as I know, but is extremely defensive over “trans friends” who I might, apparently hurt, even though there is no evidence to back that assertion.

It feels to me like a last ditch attempt to cause maximum pain and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if transactivism was pushing this as a tactic.

I'm so sorry and I think you're right. I think it's worth looking at it from the perspective of how family members deal with people in the types of religious community where they cut themselves off from the world. There's a word for it, but sometimes it gets posts deleted

For those of you suggesting we should have done more I've asked him if he wanted to chat things through (firm no, he just 'knew' and this was fact from now on). When he told us it was very short and factual. At the time I responded saying how much we loved him etc. I got a thumbs up emoji.

I've told him I love him and he can be whoever he wants to be and choose any life path and I'll always love and support him. We've thanked him for trusting us with the information and telling us.

He's autistic and very private - having big heart to heart conversations is not something he's ever wanted. He's had lots of hugs which he has reluctantly accepted as he's not a huggy person. He's factual and doesn't (didn't?) like attention. It would be really odd and he'd run away from deep conversations with us.

And most of all there appears to be no difference in his life whatsoever apart from the voice and the mannerisms so I'm not sure what we would discuss. If I commented on the voice I think that would embarrass him.

So we talked about life, uni, plans for the future etc etc - to show him we're thinking of him and his future life and acceptance.

Because announcing you’re trans is akin to announcing you’ve decided you’ve realised you’re not a human but an armadillo, or that you’re not in fact a red haired, pale skinned 17 year old but a black 47 year old.

Theres something going on there that needs to be explored. Explored, not indulged.

so sorry op! Two can play the game: you go NC an no money as well!

He is at university not school isn't he. If he is turning up to lectures/responding to e mails he isn't going to learn any lesson by being reported missing.

What absolute drivel.
Theres no such thing as God, so dont bother trying to tell people that being trans is cos of no god. And islam? Well known for its tolerance. Not.
All religion is made up bollox IMO, and naff all to do with it.

I think autism is playing a large part here. He's likely fixated on it. It may pass, it may not, but the main thing right now is remembering he is vulnerable, clearly struggling and needs support. I would prioritise that over your personal views (which I also agree with) as its your child.

Maybe send a message which you can include referring to him in the female name he's chosen to give him that validation such as "female name I'm really missing talking to you, can I come and visit you this weekend and we can go shopping or for a meal, or I can pick you up for a weekend home if you don't have any plans"

My young person is the same. Finds conversation excruciating.

That's why i explained that it was hard for us and why, and that because we were finding it hard didn't mean we didn't acknowledge that they truly believe in what they have shared and that it is a big deal for them. I think as an autistic that side of things hadn't crossed my youngster's mind. For them, this was something they had lived with for years and years whereas for us it was new. As parents our role is slightly different from the cheerleading of friends.

Well, first and foremost it’s different because it’s a cult.

Also, when you’re gay you don’t have to change your name, change your entire aesthetic, adopt a silly “girly” voice/mannerisms OR make a plan to wreck your body with hormones and surgeries in the future.

Being trans is all about the struggle - you and your “wrong” body against a world that doesn’t understand you or accept you. This is also why autistic young people are so much more likely to be drawn in.

This is what I'm feeling most comfortable with. There is no need for any drama. Everyone is happy to be supportive. I'm really hoping the drama side passes and he realises he is very fortunate in life, cracks on with the degree and realises his potential.

If it were me, I'd turn up on his doorstep really upset! Don't think I'd be able to stop myself - parents are also human beings with emotions, after all. I'd be honest, saying that you love him unconditionally and that you miss him, and you're really hurt by him cutting you out of his life for no reason. That way, if he feels the need, he can air the reasons he is upset and you can talk it through.

Sorry though, it sounds like a nightmare situation for you to have to deal with x

@timetobegin

how exactly?? What do you think the uni can do?

also this person is an adult not a child