Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

Haha. I don't think I could train anyone into becoming a paragon of manly domestication. I'm certainly not one.

Heh.

But the argument that living as a woman or man is bollocks, as you say. Yesterday afternoon, one of us was armed with alcohol, watching football on the telly and expressing trenchant 4 letter word views on the ref and Paqueta in particular cheating. The other was having a supportive conversation with their recently bereaved parent and then cooked dinner.

I invite you to guess who was who, biological sex wise.

Sorry @ChicLilacSeal, but 'Looks female enough to be counted as one' is one of the most bonkers things I've ever read on here!

Shall we just count short, 8 stone men as women from now on? And tall, broad women with big feet can be 'counted as male'?

Women aren't allowed opinions and certainly not on football...

Edited to add: quote fail. This was in response to @ChicLilacSeal 's comment much earlier in the thread. I started my reply earlier and have only just had chance to finish it and hit "send".

That's a very good question, and it encapsulates the problems with the trans lobby. They won't give an inch. They are unreasonable to play women's sport and to try to get access to women's changing rooms and prisons via self-ID. In doing so, they are trampling over women's rights. The activist lobby acts like only trans people have rights.

Agreed.

On those two subjects, it's clear to me that trans people don't have the right to do what they want to do, because what they want is unreasonable, so it's not really a conflict.

Surely the very definition of a conflict? 😉 The conflict in law runs deep into the definition within the EA (what does "sex" mean in law?) and also the GRA (what does "for all purposes" actually mean, following the Lady Haldane judgement that a GRC changes someone's sex for all purposes). Whilst the EA has some provision for single sex sports, without the clarification of what sex actually means in law, this is toothless.

A test in a court of law is whether something is reasonable, and the trans lobby is unreasonable on some issues.

The outcome of the Supreme Court case from 27th November is key to this. It might still result in a bit of a muddle e.g. in the court session, the barrister acting for the position closest to self-ID ended up saying that a TW with a GRC that states their legal sex is female is a lesbian if they are attracted to women... whereas that same TW without a GRC is a man. Clearly that's ridiculous by anybody's standards. And on the prison issue, it helps to highlight why Nicola Sturgeon had no idea whether she was meant to say Isla Bryson was a man or a woman. Here's an interview with her struggling.... If you read the X chain, you can see that the interviewer was coming at "pro-trans" angle... i.e. (paraphrasing) "Are you saying no TW should be in women's prisons? Why not? They are women. Why are you saying they have to be treated differently?"

https://x.com/PeterAdamSmith/status/1620051699900755970?t=DKz8AKYjF9QBgLbp9nHegg&s=19

Lastly, on the subject of long comments like RedToothbrush's... Red is one of many posters on here to whom I'm incredibly grateful for helping me get my head around stuff. My "something's not right here" entry point was on puberty blockers for children, and the fact that the NHS used to specifically say that the impact on the teenage brain was unknown. Like many parents on this board, I was concerned about my daughter's autism being muddled up with something that came with such a high risk of harm. When I first came to MN I thought changing rooms, conflict over the word "woman" (I thought JKR was bizarre for caring about it with her "wimbund" tweet re menstruation) and other similar issues were just "culture war" stuff that I didn't really need to care about. But I began to realise I couldn't help my daughter unless I had a well rounded understanding of gender identity. I learned a lot by asking questions, including in a trans parents group (where I was the only non-affirming parent) and reading things I never imagined I would... I still read the Guardian but I no longer shudder when I read a Daily Mail article. It turns out they've done some good journalism on this particular subject. I don't bother with any of their other journalism though. Re that Transgender link..... maybe give it a read? Even if you disagree with it, it might help frame why parents are concerned about their child declaring a gender identity and why that's totally different from a child wondering if they are gay.

I certainly expressed mine loudly yesterday. Therefore I must be a man. Helpful to know 🤣🤣🤣

I'm still making my way through the thread (and its multiple directions) so I have no idea what's coming next. I'm hoping we're back on track with the theme that the OP has raised, like in your post here.

That said, the side conversation that I've been reading about TWAW (except for sport and prison) versus TWANW is probably not a complete derail, because it's a reflection of the world that the OP's son is a part of. Watching my 15 year old daughter navigate life with autism really brings it home to me how utterly mental this must feel to be an 18 year old autistic male who is now away at uni and is getting a whole load of different messages on this subject. I should imagine most peers are fully TWAW, so this will likely seem to be the kindest and most helpful of all the messages.

Reading this about your goddaughter (💐), I see Elliott Page in a similar way. Obviously I'm not Elliott's mum, or godmum, and I'm only able to observe from the outside. But I see first and foremost someone who has been failed by a "system" that should have been there during emotionally turbulent times. Being sexually assaulted at a young age, being thrown into Hollywood's brutal (sexist and at times homophobic) world... However, what I also now see is someone projecting some of the most joyless joy I have ever seen, to young girls who might also feel angry or let down by their "weak" female boy or confused by whether it's "normal". to fancy girls.... that maybe the way out of this confusion is to identify out of that weak body into a man's one, to identify out of being gay and be straight instead. Elliott also has flashes of anger in these interviews... in fact it's these flashes that are the only emotion I've seen other than lots of talk of joy, whilst looking sad.

Edited to add: I realised I didn't say that I agree with you on this point @TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged ⬇️ (hence my Elliott Page example. I have seen others e.g. Azlan - I think that's the right name - on X)

I think victim / perpetrator is not always straightforward for female trans identified people either.

Of course it was the one who produces large gametes!

@crochetedcat not read the full thread but glad that you got so many useful replies. I'd like to go back to your original question about what to do with all this, and what the best course of action might be.

I would suggest prioritising own mental health as this is something within your control and more important than you might realise at this early stage. Dr Stephen Levine speaks beautifully about the parent trauma and what can and can't be done for parents in these circumstances here:
The DARK Reality for Parents of 'Trans' Identified Kids

Best wishes, it's an awful place to be as a parent and very hard to understand for those who haven't been in your shoes. Be kind to yourself.

Grateful to find this thread, being in a similar situation. @crochetedcat how are things between you and your son now? I do hope he has resumed contact.

This! Absolutely 100% this!

the threat of being cut off was dangled if we didn’t use our TiM sons new shiny name, and then we were insufficiently horrified by the Supreme Court decision, and then it was around wearing a dress around the house. We’ve managed to evaded all those barriers and still have contact, but we are walking on eggshells and who knows how long the ceasefire will last

If it doesn't make you a biological woman, then that person being in a women's changing room would by your own lights make it mixed-sex.

I fart quite loudly and TBH it smells quite bad... does this mean I am quietly transitioning?

Yes. Sadly it is so. You will need bottom surgery ASAP as you will soon develop the urge to scratch the balls you don't have in public.

@NotAGentleReminder Sorry to hear this. Bayswater and Our Duty provide parent support - you may find these support groups helpful.

OP, apologies that I've not caught up with recent posts on this thread. Please ignore if this is already covered...

I started a new thread this morning after seeing what a family had been able to achieve to support their child. I appreciate it may not suit your current circumstances but wanted to drop it here in case it's of any help or interest:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5355146-gender-clinic-backs-off-after-family-successfully-challenges-direct-contact-with-adult-daughter