Partner wanting to wear womens clothes during sex

[Uncomfortablybum]

I have just started a thread in relationships and a pp mentioned reading trans widows threads.

Wondering if this is the start of it. Been with my partner 6 months. He has said he would feel excited by the idea of wearing woman's dresses during sex and I am the first person he has felt comfortable with enough to say this to.

I am very open minded. This feels different to a once off thing. Is this how it starts? As a bedroom fetish?

Is this how it starts? As a bedroom fetish?

How it started for me was I noticed the sex became lukewarm early into the relationship, he was only comfortable with one position (missionary with the lights off) and at the same time he seemed very invested in us being serious. But at the same time, he started to spend his money on himself and his endless hobbies. It felt contradictory - what he said he wanted didn't match his actions.
Our sex life went downhill fast, and he tried buying lingerie 'to pep things up'. We were still in the early days and we shouldn't have needed pepping up, and it was only him that needed any pep. He had to buy it because I don't own any and won't wear it. I know now he was using my underwear - I'd find it soaking wet and he would say he had done some laundry. But when it dried it wasn't clean, and I'd have to launder it again.
And then the penny dropped when I came home from work unexpectedly in the middle of the day and walked in on him using the lingerie. I knew what cross dressing was and I also knew I want interested in dating a cross dresser, if he had been upfront with me from the start I would never have gone on the first date. So I ended it, and I should have ended it sooner. Back then there weren't any other women around to warn me what the red flags meant.

We can only tell you how it starts for us because there's no knowing how it will end for him, and at this stage he might not even know himself.

I'm not sure I even want to know the answer but why was it wet? 😐

Thank you to all of these comments. They have all helped me to work this out, I really appreciate everyone's input and time :)
I may have considered this if I was naive enough to think it was a once off. I suspect its not so much the act of seeing him in a dress, so much as how he might act that would scar me for life. His impression of a woman. Because this has to be his motivation behind the thrill. My gut instinct is that I would lose all respect for him and it would escalate further. I dont want to be with Lesbian Brenda. I'd like try to compete too much for top dog. He does have lovely qualities so it's been worth the time to consider this. I couldn't be with him and also refuse this as I'd always be thinking he's not fulfilled now.

It's possible that it's just a fetish. Being aroused by cross-dressing does not mean you have gender dysphoria.

If we assume it's a fetish, and you think it will be fun, then go ahead, same as any other kink. If it repels you, and it's very important to him, have a rethink about the relationship.

However, he might have gender dysphoria, and it's very important that you know that. Have a conversation about it. He might be what they call in the transgender community "an egg."

You are right; it is a fetish...but not 'just' a fetish. It is a fetish with implications, and a well worn trajectory. Plus one fetish usually leads to other fetishes, and fetishes have a habit of becoming obsessive.

I can only say that for me, exH was into this (I wasn't) but it never progressed into transition (yet - and we've been divorced 5 years)
It had a lot of very negative impacts on our sex life and relationship in general though. He was constantly pushing my boundaries and pretty coercive in lots of sexual ways, over time it made me very very unhappy.

I don't post on the trans widow threads cos ex didn't transition but a lot of the behaviours are very similar even so and I'd get out if I was you. It's a fetish, it won't go away and he's likely to spend time and money on others to indulge it with, or pressure you to do things you don't want.

Also I made an AIBU thread a while back you might find interesting, because my head was scrambled from it

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4787680-would-you-sleep-with-a-male-partner-in-womens-underwear

I am sexually attracted to women. A man in a dress is not something I have considered. I put eyeliner on a previous partner and fancied the shit out of him. A dress is very different. I wouldn't feel less feminine, I am secure in my body and my power. Would it push my sexual boundaries in a way that turns me on? It's very very difficult for me to imagine it, in all honesty. I just do not know how I would react. I can imagine how I would react. I did not open the conversation up as I wasn't prepared to at the time. I am now in a headspace where I don't wish to have the conversation as I don't want to risk trying this- I worry about how he would 'act' in the dress and would lose all respect for him as a person. How he thinks women act..I know it would be revealing and I don't have the time to spare to go through this. I do not want to cause any harm to him or his ability to open up in any future relationships, so I'm composing my break up conversation as we speak!

And no, I don't worry about being perceived as bigoted or vanilla. The whole trans like gets my quite rilled up and I have great sex with the right partner!

Yes agreed. It may just make me really fucking angry at his 'preformance' and put me on a rant.....

That would be a hard no from me too. My expectation would it would lead to mire and more of the same and that would give me the massive ick.

If you're not interested, show him the door and say goodbye.

Even if he wants to stay together without it happening, the genie's out of the bottle now. You'll never be able to forget it was said. At least, I wouldn't.

@YogaBare He didn't wash my clothes after he had used them, he would just rinse them under the tap, wring them and hang them up. You know how wet clothes stink when they hang for too long? It was that plus bodily odours.
It was something he was doing on his own, in secret, using my things and thats not just a harmless fetish.

Yeah, slippery slope (in all likelihood) I'm afraid.

Sorry but it would be deal breaker for me. Absolute NO ! Turn off to me and just NO NO NO yuck yuck

Females wear clothing originally designed for and worn by males... feminine, masculine, females wear anything they so desire but a man that enjoys wearing clothing marketed for the female demographic is an 'Ick' for you... ?

Doesn't matter what other people like, this hetero OP, along with pretty much all respondents here find it a turn off. No judgement right? Everyone's welcome to their own preferences.

This wasn't about fashion or wearing something for comfort. This was a desire to wear a dress during sex, which at face may not be an issue, however my alarm bells were ringing about what this entails and what the further implications would be , as may have also highlighted. I imagine this is a request to want to act out as a woman, how he perceives that to be, and wants to feel like a woman. This would piss me right off and highly likely make me cringe and loose all respect for him. It will likely be a performance based around being submissive and silly. I also worried it wouldn't be an isolated thing and move into every part of our sex life and potentially into life outside sex. As others have mentioned, there may be other fetishes too.

I can on with slight hope that others have had this request and they would say it was a once off and didn't mean much at the time, or it was only a dress wearing and no acting or change of character. But most people echoed my concerns and shared their negative experiences.

So no, it's not about being judgemental around who should wear what type of clothes.

As I already said, a man wearing dresses and skirts that are cut to fit and suit a male body as everyday wear is one thing. A man wearing dresses and skirts that are cut for women's bodies, only during sex, and describing them as "women's clothes" is another, very different thing, and indicates a sexual fetish. The OP has every right to dump a man who has any sexual fetish that gives her the ick, as part of her total sovereignty over what she agrees to during sex.

To each her own... 😉

I haven't read the full thread yet, only the OP, but I just wanted to say this is exactly how it started with my ex, six months into our relationship. Another three and a half years of him continuously pushing my boundaries followed until I ended the relationship for unrelated reasons.

His cross dressing started in the bedroom, then moved on to rare nights out with a specific group of people, to regular nights out and wanting me to accompany him, to full time within a week of us breaking up.

Obviously no one can predict if this is the route your partner will take but if you were my friend I'd be advising you to run. I stayed because I convinced myself it was just clothes and I was being kind and accepting but it was soul destroying.

You should definitely read the trans widows threads if you haven't already. I didn't find them until after the relationship was over but it helped me to realise I wasn't alone. My story is there somewhere, under a different name.

OP, please don't 'indulge' this request. It does not stop with the occasional request. The relationship becomes skewed and soon it is all about the fantasy of the man being a woman.

The woman is used as a prop and is expected to indulge any further requests. it does not stay the same. The demands only increase.