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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Partner wanting to wear womens clothes during sex

72 replies

Uncomfortablybum · 14/03/2024 20:07

I have just started a thread in relationships and a pp mentioned reading trans widows threads.

Wondering if this is the start of it. Been with my partner 6 months. He has said he would feel excited by the idea of wearing woman's dresses during sex and I am the first person he has felt comfortable with enough to say this to.

I am very open minded. This feels different to a once off thing. Is this how it starts? As a bedroom fetish?

OP posts:
WaterWeasel · 14/03/2024 21:23

Run. For. The. Hills.

TrainedByCatsToBeScathing · 14/03/2024 21:27

Great thats he's told you 6 months in, that means you haven't invested too much time in this relationship. Yes this is how it starts and I’d be getting out now.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 14/03/2024 21:47

Run for the hills. Don't let him try to guilt you into staying with him. He'll say all sorts and probably throw in 'transphobic' too. End it and go no contact immediately. You deserve far better.

lechiffre55 · 14/03/2024 21:49

6 months sounds like he was trying to wait the minimum appropriate time before telling you.
Would I be right in guessing that all together time happens at your place? There's always a reason it never happens at his place? I ask because I'm guessing he has all sorts of wonderful outfits/toys/etc.... that he's not keen on you finding out about without seeing if you're up for it first.
Second question. He told you what he wants and how he feels about it. Did he ask you how you feel about it? If the idea excites you as well?
I'm trying to ask if you agree to just go along with it is that enough for him to enjoy it? Does he care if you enjoy it too? Does it matter to him if it's just a him thing, or does he care if it's a together thing?

Grimchmas · 14/03/2024 21:51
  1. yuck and 2) read the trans widow threads - more than just the current one. Talk about it on there, they will support you.
SuperstarDeejay · 14/03/2024 21:53

I'm in a longer term relationship with a lot of love and the response would be a hard 'NO' followed by 'and don't ever mention it again if you want to stay together'.

At 6 months with little invested? Get the fuck out of my life.

donteatthedaisies0 · 14/03/2024 21:56

I would buy myself an old mans outfit like flat caps , tweed jackets and some cardigans . Ask him how he feels old mans clothes . Maybe a pipe to go along with it .

ChaToilLeam · 14/03/2024 22:01

Hard no from me. Off to the bin with him.

BCBird · 14/03/2024 22:05

It would be a complete turn off for me.

Screamingabdabz · 14/03/2024 22:06

Your post is all about his needs and you questioning whether you should go with it. How about reflecting on your own needs and putting yourself first.

idontlikealdi · 14/03/2024 22:09

Fuck no. Run.

Patrickiscrazy · 14/03/2024 22:15

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/03/2024 20:09

That would be a hard no from me. I'm open minded but this would be repulsive to me.

I'd also feel that the 'first person' issue is just emotional blackmail to get you to agree.

👆

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 14/03/2024 22:18

There's nothing wrong with men making and wearing dresses for comfort and style.

There's a lot wrong with men wearing dresses etc during sex because it makes their dicks hard and calling it "women's clothes". He fancies the idea of himself as a woman and he almost certainly fancies himself as a woman more than he fancies you.

Postsynapticdensity · 14/03/2024 22:19

Is this your sexual fantasy too or just his?
How would his cosplay make you feel? More feminine? Less? wanted? weird? How are you expected to act? More dominant? more submissive?
Are you concerned about being perceived as bigoted, phobic, unkind, vanilla?

VampireWeekday · 14/03/2024 22:21

After only six months I'd not stick around to find out.

Would it be something you're into? If not, hard no. It's that simple. You don't have to do anything in bed that you don't want to, and you can take incompatible desires as a sign you're not long term compatible.

For me it's the performing femininity that would be an instant no. I'd assume he wants to wear the dress in bed because of ideas he has about women that I'd find repellent. In general I don't like dressing up so even if it were gender confirming I'd not like it, but treating womanhood itself as a sexual costume is revolting to me.

HRTQueen · 14/03/2024 23:50

I’m not sure if I would feel insulted or highly amused

but I know I would no longer find him attractive

I found an ex wearing my lace knickers he became an ex that day it just not my thing

and I was bloody annoyed I had only just bought the set I threw away the knickers away

DreamingBe · 15/03/2024 01:53

As others have said, that does sound like autogynephilia and could be problematic. You should trust your instincts about whether you want to carry on with the relationship and decide what you're comfortable with and what your boundaries are, and stand by them. If he guilt trips or wheedles you, he doesn't care about your consent or happiness.

However, I would say that wanting to wear something isn't always because of the most obvious motive. I had an ex who owned some women's underwear, because he thought lace looked good on him and he was a bit vain (he was very effeminate and pretty, frankly I think he could have looked stunning in a potato sack!) It wasn't a big deal for me, he wasn't pushy or obsessive about it and he certainly wasn't stealing anyone's pants. In comparison, I had a different ex who definitely was AGP in a way that became highly problematic and misogynistic; there were quite obvious differences in their behaviour, levels of pushiness and selfishness quite early on, so it's the associated behaviour I'd be more concerned about than the clothing if it were me.

Maray1967 · 15/03/2024 06:52

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/03/2024 20:21

It would totally take any desire for sex out of me.

Same here. That would be ‘no’ from me.

AmateurNoun · 15/03/2024 06:52

I'd really recommend giving this podcast a listen OP:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/calmversations/id1447774150?i=1000640123964

It's a chat with Shannon Thrace whose husband decided to start wearing women's clothes, then within 18 months they had decided they were trans and the marriage fell apart. It's impossible to tell if your relationship would go the same way but it's worth a listen.

Calmversations: s06e41 | Widowed by Transition, with Shannon Thrace on Apple Podcasts

‎Calmversations: s06e41 | Widowed by Transition, with Shannon Thrace on Apple Podcasts

‎Show Calmversations, Ep s06e41 | Widowed by Transition, with Shannon Thrace - 30 Dec 2023

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/calmversations/id1447774150?i=1000640123964

VoodooQualities · 15/03/2024 08:25

Anything you do in the bedroom must be mutually pleasurable, simple as that.

After him having mentioned this to you, if you're not turned on by the idea already and looking forward to trying it with him, then that probably tells you all you need to know.

So whether you're open minded or not, ask yourself how realistic do you think it is that you'll try it and suddenly find it exciting? Because I reckon he's going to bloody love it, and probably want it regularly.

YogaBare · 15/03/2024 08:27

Fucking gross.

I wonder why women never want to have sex wearing a pair of cargos and a flannel shirt 🤔

Noicant · 15/03/2024 08:30

Never have any kind of sex that makes you uncomfortable. If it doesn’t work for one partner then it shouldn’t be done.

UltraLineHolder · 15/03/2024 09:00

AGP, the 4 types

•	Transvestic autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of wearing typically feminine clothing
•	Behavioral autogynephilia: arousal to the act or fantasy of doing something regarded as feminine
•	Physiologic autogynephilia: arousal to fantasies of body functions specific to people regarded as female
•	Anatomic autogynephilia: arousal to the fantasy of having a normative woman's body, or parts of one[31]: 72–73 [8]: 19–20 

(Source Wikipedia and Blanchard's theory)

It is said that many with paraphilias (I think there about 8, one of them being pedophilia) often have one or many of the others too.
I would run like the wind

Esgaroth · 15/03/2024 09:01

After reading about other people's experiences with these men, I would advise you to leave the relationship immediately. It's all downhill from here.

theilltemperedclavecinist · 15/03/2024 09:27

Erotic cross-dressing is surprisingly common. I know people who have done it since the 70s, have apparently happy relationships, and have never transitioned.

So I'm a bit uneasy about PP's assumptions that he must be a manipulative abusive spendthrift who will ruin your life and turn you into an unhappy transwidow.

I would finish it though. Transition has been made so easy and acceptable, you would have the sword of Damocles hanging over your head for the rest of your life.