Dating as a TERF

[TERFisTHEnewTREND]

I'm a 34 year old female. I'm currently dating via Tinder.

When the gender issue has come up and I've mentioned that I'm a TERF, a lot of men have disengaged from me. I once went on three dates with a man, we got on great, and then when I mentioned my views on gender ideology, he ghosted me after!

Do you mention your stance up front or do you wait? I don't want to date anyone who thinks humans can change sex, is it worth stating this on my profile?

Any help/ advice/ insights appreciated.

I reckon most men wouldn't want to date a self-identified feminist, even if they are generally pro gender equality, because they associate it with hating men.

It's fairly mainstream to think that TW are not women, and that biological males shouldn't be in womens prisons and on our sports teams etc. So I don't think it's that which would put them off.

A huge proportion of those who think TERFs are awful are in fact just as GC as I am. See above, with the poster determined to label everyone who believes you can't change sex as a terrible bigot, but who also thinks that female sport categories should remain for females. Duh.

So the answer there is just to forget about it and date normally. Get to know them. If you're someone who's going to bang on about one political subject, whatever it is, you're going to lose their attention. The chances are they agree with you, they just don't know it yet.

@DC1888

so TWAW except for sports

what about rape crisis centres? Prisons? Hospital wards? Open plan showers and changing rooms?

if a woman requests a female nurse to do her smear test and a TW arrives, is she bigoted to refuse?

I agree with that. I think a lot of men hear the word feminist and they imagine outdated stereotypes of man haters.

Though when these subjects are discussed in a more nuanced way, they probably actually agree with us on equality, GC and other more mainstream views

Tbh I wouldn’t announce on a first date my GC views just as I wouldn’t discuss religion and politics.

I don't want to announce that I'm GC on a first date as there's so much more to me than that. However, like it or not, a lot of people think that TWAW. I don't want to date those people. I would rather weed them out right away and not waste my time.

BTW, I see "TERF" as a compliment, which is why I'm happy to refer to myself as such. Go TERF Island!

I wouldn't put terf just because a lot of people don't really know what it means.
I have noticed that quite a few people put Harry Potter references or mention JK Rowling as an author they like amongst others. It's like a secret code 🤣
That way you can also sound them out. And any reference to JKR, no matter how vague, tends to immediately out those who froth at the mouth about her.

Why would you go on a first date and, firstly immediately leap into a subject which is highly contentious, and secondly- refer to yourself using a derogatory misogynistic slur?

This post makes no sense.

A site for only terfs would be brilliant.

”dating for FoJKR”

maybe once “ tickle v giggle” is sorted we can have that sort of thing?

I don't think many people really think that, but you can probably weed out the ones who think they think that by not swiping on man-buns or neck-beards. HTH.

I do understand wanting it to come up on a first date. I wouldn't want to continue with a man who doesn't respect women's rights. Best get it out the way quickly so you don't waste time with them.

I don’t know if it’s an age thing or just the circles I mix in but I honestly don’t know anyone who actually thinks TWAW.

I’ve noticed among my circle that late onset feminism really is a thing and a lot of my friends been peaked by the media coverage over last few years.

BTW, I see "TERF" as a compliment, which is why I'm happy to refer to myself as such. Go TERF Island!

I don't think you understand that, from the point of view of gender ideologists- or even the plain ignorant, normal person who hasn't looked into the gender ideology issue too much-
A "terf" is this mythical archetype who wants to eradicate trans people from earth. They are evil people who wish trans people didn't exist, that they are in bed with right wing Christians who all wish everyone confirms to perfect sexist stereotypes.. blah...blah

Obviously, from our point of view this is total bullshit, but unfortunately this is what they think of "terfs". (You don't need to be a huge gender extremest either, just an ordinary person who hasn't really thought about it .).
The ideology relies on this imaginary enemy to justify rape and death threats so they can bully women into silence.
It's worked so far.

Anyone who hasn't really looked into it will hear "hi I'm a terf" and think "shit, you think transpeople should all fuck off and die, wow, what a bigot". (Obviously no one thinks transpeople should fuck off and die, it's just how the argument is portrayed).

Please don't call yourself a terf.

It's your opinion and an important one to you. I'm probably classed as a terf, as on definition it's what I believe.

People will be offended by it, but it's not an abusive belief....Some people will be hugely offended if you don't believe in god, it's just your opinion. If you feel that it's important to you, leave it there. X

I wouldn’t declare myself a TERF. I’m gender critical and an advocate for women being allowed spaces that men aren’t allowed in - toilets, changing rooms, medical services, sports… I’m also against the erosion of ‘female’ words to make TW/men feel more included. XX chromosomes = female and XY = male. No amount of surgery or wearing a dress changes that.

I am very glad that my DH agrees with me and is just as pissed off at the dangerous situation being created for our daughters if it’s not fixed soon.

TERFisTHEnewTREND · Today 21:46

I would rather weed them out right away and not waste my time.

That seems like sound reasoning to me, after all, you wouldn't want to go on a few dates with someone and suddenly discover he's a racist.

There is likely an inherent genetic advantage being born male, thus would put natural born women at a competitive disadvantage.

On the other issues, it's a case by case basis.

It isn't a simplistic black and white issue ("they're not women so are precluded from X"). That Scottish bloke (yes it was a bloke) who raped women and tried to get in the womens prison, that's a straightforward case.

The numbers are so small, a case by case basis works.

The SPS policy was largely influenced by the Scottish Trans Alliance. James Morton said -

'We strategized – we strategized – that by working intensively with the Scottish Prison Service to support them to include trans women as women on a self-declaration basis within very challenging circumstances, we would be able to ensure that all other public services should be able to do likewise’.

When you say 'that Scottish bloke', are you referring to Isla Bryson? Because he's hardly an isolated case. Violent males have been placed into the female prison estate in Scotland for some time, due to the policy set by the SPS in 2014. The updated policy, released this month, is hardly an improvement.

On the contrary , it is a very simplistic black and white issue. One male - XY person - in a female space immediately makes it a mixed sex space. Doesn't matter how small the numbers of males who wish to be treated as female is, or how sad they will be if they get told no. Women matter too, and any woman saying no makes it a no, unless you think mens feelings are more important than women's feelings?

On the other issues, it's a case by case basis.

It isn't a simplistic black and white issue ("they're not women so are precluded from X").

You're obviously early on in your understanding of what "case by case" actually means.

It means sometimes a bloke can access women only sport, or women only homeless shelters, or women only prisons, or a women only flipping internet forum on knitting.

It IS black and white.

No blokes calling themselves women should access women's anything because as we've learned the hard way, this opens the door to con artists.

But why?? It means believing in reality

There are just 23 of them;

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-67613441

You could fit them all inside a classroom and have room to spare.

Said previously, some people are born with the wrong body parts. Hermaphrodites are born with both. I've seen very effeminate males with more curvy bodies than females...while I haven't personally come across the opposite there is the case of Caster Semenya, more manly than many males.

Its never just a simple case of XX and XY, there is an outlier of people who are physically more in tune with the sex they were not born into. I grew up with one...he was as girly a girl could have been.

What is this nonsense? It's not at all bigoted to recognise that "transwomen" - that is, men who desire to be women and call themselves women - are not actually women.

You didn’t actually answer the question. At what point would it be appropriate for a man to be in a women’s rape crisis centre? Men are a risk to women when it comes to rape. Women are not a risk to men and women cannot rape men. To allow men into this safe space for women who have been victims of rape would be very traumatic for them and against their best interests and need to be safeguarded.

The same can be said for all other scenarios. A woman’s right to feel and be safe should never ever come second to a man’s want to be in that space. It really is a want and should not be a right! This isn’t case by case because we can never be 100% certain that any man is safe. Any men that bleat on about ‘not all men’ are missing the point and I don’t want them in my safe spaces.

Because we associate the word radical with terrorism for example. Radical extremist. It sounds scary.

What is bigoted about saying transwomen aren't women? It's literally just stating a fact. Transwomen are transwomen, women are women. Without that differentiation there can't be sex based protections.