Can someone help?

[WalterHWhite]

I have posted on the lgbt parents topic and posters have kindly answered me but this was a few days ago. One poster suggested that I posted here. My DS has told me that he feels he's in the wrong body. I just cannot get my head around that I am just supposed to accept this?

Shouldn't I be getting him some help for gender dysphoria rather than an acceptance that he's right and I must change my mindset? At the moment, there is no way on earth that I will be calling him she as he's not.

It's all well and good people saying that I must listen and go along with whatever he says but I can't. Maybe I can't love unconditionally, maybe I am wrong but I feel as if I'm being shamed and being made to believe something that I just don't. As if I'm the one who's not being realistic here.

Can anyone help me here? Thanks

So sorry you have this. It is so difficult. When this happened to us with a child who came to us from trauma at 14, I was absolutely beside myself. The breakthrough in my thinking was a long dark night of the soul when I knew that I had to be honest and say what I saw, even if it meant we became estranged.
I could not use the wrong pronouns ( but I bloody love they/ them! )or name, I certainly couldn’t countenance watching the effect of wrong sex hormones, and I’ve know too many friends and family experience breast cancer to call mastectomies “top surgery” and think that was fun. I tried to not flap, all attention stokes the fire so I didnt raise the issue but I never shied away from respectful discussion. If I thought something was ridiculous or untrue, I said so. When a pronouncement or an accusation was made, usually about triggering their dysphoria. I would ask lots of questions, what caused the hurt, what did the hurt feel like what made it go away. Etc. They would sometimes be upset and say it wasn’t supportive, but I think that was because they had to face uncomfortable truths, that wrong sex hormones have serious health implications, that they could not actually change sex but would have to use a lot of energy pretending. and they might actually ruin their libido etc etc.
So I would advise honesty, that you won’t be throwing them out, but nor will you be supporting actions that in your view are likely to be ruinous of their physical and mental health, so If they are considering medication or surgery, it’s great that they are thinking about independent living.Meanwhile, you need to start living beyond your children, and maybe asking more of them in terms of board and domestic support. I might also say that I was thinking of dating again and therefore needed to swap rooms back. That’s not punishment. It’s just about reminding these young people that we are actually real people with strengths , weaknesses and dreams of our own. We give up so much for our children, but if they are determined to self destruct, they will, we have to make sure that they don’t take us down with them.
sorry this is long.

Beautifully put zebracat

It has taken me a while to post again but I did want to be sure before doing so. He no longer thinks he’s a woman. He does have a new obsession but not one that includes medicine and possible surgery.

Thank you, thank you to all you brilliant, intelligent and informative women (and one man I think!) that helped me navigate this with my DS.

I feel that without all the information gained here I honestly would have been at a loss to know what to do and say to him. I was able to speak calmly (most of the time) and able to show him what a difficult life he would probably have. A poster mentioned parents taking their eye off the ball and I think I did this for years by not monitoring his internet access for example. I feel very guilty for that.

I’m sure I’m not explaining myself well here but I do know that without the knowledge gained from all of you on FWR, I honestly don’t know where he or I would be. You are all so patient for us continued lurkers and I have learnt so much. I also have a much better relationship with DS now. It’s not all rosy - I can’t get him to go to work at the moment but his mental health is so much better.

I could go rambling on about things that I found out but I really did want to come back and thank you for your kindness and wisdom last year. It was a lifeline honestly. You are all so generous with your knowledge and I really appreciate that.

What a great update! So glad to hear things are better.

Brilliant @WalterHWhite, great to hear this.

🥲 oh that update has made me go a bit happy-teary. What a great outcome! MN at its best too.

That’s brilliant news - thanks for sharing. Did it happen gradually?

What a great update OP. Well done you. I'm sure it's not been an easy journey but your update will be so reassuring for so many parents plunged into this nightmare.

💐

That’s great news and thank you for sharing the news. It gives the rest of us going through this some hope. Can you say a bit more about how he came to desist?

Thank you everyone for your good wishes. I am still alert to any changes so not as confident yet as I’d like to be! I do think though that he is through it now. I don’t think he liked it that I was able to argue the point when he produced pubmed stats. I could have wiped the floor with him but I recall Arabella saying that his well-being was so important and to keep that in mind. So thank you. Another thing he didn’t like was that so many young, autistic people were caught up in this ideology - that he wasn’t that original. Again I am so grateful to all of you for your knowledge.

It was definitely gradual as far as I could see. When he first told me, I found some things in his room. I know people say not to pry and I don’t go in there now but I wanted to find out what he was doing. He was going down the anime route (thank you bonfirelady) and to be honest I felt quite justified in feeling that I don’t want to live in a house with that going on. I haven’t mentioned that specifically but did talk about it all being too sexual, how dangerous online porn can be. He did say that I was ruining his life to which I replied that he was doing that all on his own (not my finest moment.)

I do remember posting that he cared very much what I thought of him so I think this is what did it in the end really. It has meant that for months I wanted to be here a lot, here when he went out. I did take my eye off the ball but he talks to me a lot more now. I found it quite frightening that when I wanted him to have some therapy, I didn’t feel confident at all that any therapist wouldn’t affirm.

@WalterHWhite I've had a bit of experience of this with my son. Feel free to message me if you want. I second approaching Bayswater.

this is why I should read the whole thread ffs. Anyway we 've also come out the other side, but the feel free to message still stands if you want to share any worries or whatever

I'm so glad you've both come out the other side of this.

I am so pleased for you OP. Still a way to go but how great to be on a more positive path now.

You have given me hope! We still don't discuss the subject in this house, are just ignoring it and hope it goes away which I know is stupid but anything else is too hard.

I’ve just realised that I don’t seem to be giving much information that could help anyone! I’m not very confident on here tbh. You are all such a mine of information and I’m in awe of your knowledge sometimes.

@Inapickleiam I didn’t/don’t say a lot about it and only short conversations with him but I think he realised that he was going to make life much harder for himself. I was appalled at the sex side of what he was getting into so that was difficult as I didn’t want to shame him, nor do I want to pry into his sex life. I certain wasn’t going to live with it! It just doesn’t seem safe for a young person to me. Again, I’m probably not explaining very well and I am still alert to things with him. He does keep me on my toes.

That might not be a bad strategy @Inapickleiam. A detransitioner has said that it’s the ultimate in teenage rebellion. I can understand that.

I wish I could put my teenagers in a box and open it again when they are 25... well done for getting him closer to adulthood as safely as possible.

Thanks for coming back to update us.

And really heart warming to here how things are developing.

And even if FWR was able to help, dont forget to thank yourself for taking the plunge to ask for help, and slowly step by step seeing it through.

I'm so happy for you. Well done, you've succeeded in protecting your son 💐

💐💐💐 such a great update. So pleased for you and your son.

I’m loving all the little, waving hands! Thanks back. I do like a bit of praise @IwantToRetire so that was welcome.

I seem to remember you saying that he was looking for attention and that he had it now so I could make progress with that. (Something like that). There were a few things you posted that helped.

I try not to talk about things in work - people take things so personally don’t they? - although most know how I feel about this ideology and the damage it’s causing to young people. However, I don’t miss a chance to tell them about the legal side of things and what this will mean for women. You’d be dead proud of me!

Another well done @WalterHWhite Your story is incredibly important. Parents are under siege at the moment being instructed to immediately affirm their children who are being gaslit by adults who do NOT have their best interests at heart. Having the confidence to hold your child at the centre of what you do and know that those insisting you affirm / use pronouns / buy binders etc etc are not acting in their best interests.

You're a quiet role model for what parents can do when they hold the line