Can someone help?

[WalterHWhite]

I have posted on the lgbt parents topic and posters have kindly answered me but this was a few days ago. One poster suggested that I posted here. My DS has told me that he feels he's in the wrong body. I just cannot get my head around that I am just supposed to accept this?

Shouldn't I be getting him some help for gender dysphoria rather than an acceptance that he's right and I must change my mindset? At the moment, there is no way on earth that I will be calling him she as he's not.

It's all well and good people saying that I must listen and go along with whatever he says but I can't. Maybe I can't love unconditionally, maybe I am wrong but I feel as if I'm being shamed and being made to believe something that I just don't. As if I'm the one who's not being realistic here.

Can anyone help me here? Thanks

Try not to engage in arguments or stats or trying to disprove anything. I started that route but it didn’t work and it gave the whole gender thing too much weight and importance. Try to ignore and don’t be drawn into the topic. Show him you love him, enjoy any common interests and do fun stuff together instead.

Ok Name, I’ll take what you said on board. I’m just willing to try anything atm. I’m afraid I’m finding it very difficult to want to do anything fun with him and I don’t feel very loving. I know I’ll have to snap out of this as life goes on but I just don’t want to live like this

Some books that you may find useful, particularly for processing your own emotions. Shock, rage, upset, confusion are all perfectly normal. You need to be able to manage these in order to best support your child.

All of these are focussed on your relationship with your child, which is the most important thing, ultimately.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Kids-Push-Buttons/dp/0749925248

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1788708474/ref=pd_bxgy_sccl_1/262-5940048-9509218

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/178504219X

Apologies for links to the evil empire, other booksellers are available ...

I would suggest finding outlets for your own feelings that aren't involved with/directed at your child. You need to offload, talk, rage, cry, whatever.

And then deal with your child.

Thanks Arabella. It’s much appreciated. I’ve just joined Genspect as suggested up thread and I’ll have a look at the books. (Even if I have to order them from Amazon!

I do have some very good friends, not many but friends who love me so that’s a positive.

I feel for you. Went through this exact same thing with my early teenage son some years ago, before I really knew about GC. It was intense because he was at risk of taking his life, so I had to find the right way of supporting him. It was truly horrendous, and I'm still not sure how we got through it. I was on 24 hour watch.

At the time, not much was said about GC at all, and we ended up going down the route of mermaids and the Tavistock. I just didn't know what to do, and it was in the news so much. Got as far as discussing puberty blockers. When it was mentioned that medication would affect his fertility, he decided he would stick with being male. Thank god he did! I just wish I knew then what I know now - but as a desperate single mum, I was doing what I could at the time.

He still struggles with his MH, but is mostly a happy, gay young man, of course he is. I suspect the issue was the daily abuse he endured at his school for his sexuality. It was relentless at times - and his desperation for it to stop - he wanted to "become" someone else if that makes sense.

So very thankful that we didn't go down that route. I'm so much more knowledgeable about this these days, and the tavistock is no more. For me, the process of the counselling he received made him realise what he is. And possibly saved his life.

I think what I'm saying, is that I understand your need to support whatever issue it is that your DS is going through, and not agreeing with him doesn't mean that you don't love him unconditionally. In fact, the opposite. It's because you love him that you want what is right for him.

I would have handled it very differently if it was today. I still regret the route we took and just thank my lucky stars it didn't become permanent.

Can I ask you @tiredofthisshitt, was it the counselling at Tavistock that helped him or counselling sourced separately that you feel saved him?

To be honest, I think it was both. The tavistock counselling helped him figure out who he was (not a girl!) whilst the separate counselling helped him make sense of everything / deal with the homophobic bullying he was experiencing.

I can't stress enough how relieved I am that we didn't go down that route, though it did take about 2.5 years till we got to the point where they would have given him blockers.

Another thing which caused me huge concern, was that they said that most people "work out which gender they are" (their words) through adolescence. But surely, if they take blockers, that pauses the adolescence and therefore takes away this process - ? They couldn't give me an answer to that one.

OP I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

You obviously love your son, and of course you're struggling with the idea that he wants to change himself in this way. The hardest part for me is knowing that my child is so unhappy in themself that they want/need to to change themself - there's no self-acceptance or self-love unfortunately. (I read that sentence back to myself and hate the grammar hurdles I'm jumping.)

We're almost 3 years into this journey and I can't say it gets easier, but we have adjusted ourselves to our child's wishes and... it's slightly less heart breaking as time passes. Because he insists he is happier, because he doesn't accept that his autism is the root of many of his issues, because he is our child and we love him.

I would highly recommend Bayswater, you might find therapists who won't automatically affirm genders, through this support group.

Oh bloody hell. I’m getting nowhere fast (I think.). I’ve talked about his adoption and being on the autistic spectrum, he did say that he would see a therapist/counsellor and if she affirmed, would that make it ok???

I talked about having respect for us as a family as we don’t believe what he does ( although that’s true, I’m stalling really.). He’s asked me not to tell anyone in the family. I talked about not using women’s safe spaces and he told me about a trans woman who tried to go into the men’s and the bouncer insisted he used the women’s. Yeah. Like that happened. Dear god. My head is going honestly.

Incidentally he’s as happy as a lark.

Well, it's good he's still talking, OP. Keeping the comms open is good. I appreciate that may be hard for you, though.

Nice to hear a bit of positivity. Thanks. I feel broken.

I'm so sorry. Have you got something soothing you can do to take your mind off it for a bit?

You’re so kind. I wish I could just drink to oblivion but I gave up for health reasons last year. I have a sore throat and runny nose and am watching Alfred Hitchcock presents! Seeing a friend tomorrow- the only one I told on Sunday. I did appreciate it when you said I must look after myself before anything. I also have another son who needs me. When I was talking suicide, friend said that it was awful to lose your mum when you’re young. Her mum killed herself when she was about 17.

This isn’t very positive is it?! I’ll go back to Alfred. Thanks. Think I needed to chat. I don’t think it’s what this board is for so sorry about that

This is a feminist board and feminism is women helping other women.

Support threads are fine and will usually be fiercely defended. Chat away whenever you need to.

I'm glad you're seeing your friend tomorrow, too, it is vital to look after your own health and wellbeing. I will keep reminding you. 😊

I don’t think it’s what this board is for so sorry about that

I've been reading your thread but hadn't posted anything as others are better informed than me in terms of good contacts and support.

But just to echo what others have said, please take time for yourself. And maybe take it as a positive sign that he is as "happy as a lark".

Might it be that's because he does value what you say, and he has now got your attention, he is less isolated in himself? So for you it will be finding the balance between him talking things through with you (challenging you) - and you then talking things through with your friend, going for a walk - or watching your favourite movies.

And please dont think you cant post on here to say you are really fed up. Of course you can. Have a rant. Especially if it is a moment in time you have no one to talk to.

Many other women have posted on here about going through situations similar to yours. And hopefully it helped them and will help you.

I hope you enjoyed the films - and get a good nights sleep.

Having a place to safely rant should absolutely be on your list of resources Walter!

You also don't know how many other parents might be on here, lurking, but hesitant to post- who might be going through the same thing. Following your thread could be giving them some comfort and support too.

I know it can sound like a cliche- but being kind to yourself in a time of crisis is actually sound, practical advice. Giving yourself breaks from thinking about it (TV/books/music/seeing friends), getting out in nature and moving your body, eating enjoyable, nourishing food, sleep or rest as much as you can- are all the things it's easy to let go of in stress. But they are actually what you need most to stabilise and engage with the issue when you need to.

Also, as others have said, focussing on finding fun, light, non-contentious ways to connect with your son where possible can be helpful.

Ps. I appreciate your choice of TV escapism. Love Alfred Hitchcock Presents!

@WalterHWhite i don’t think this particular news item will be helpful to you. It does not ‘explain’ gender and sexuality in autism. For example it misses out acknowledging the rigid black/white thinking that is often characteristic of those with ASD/ASC and can lead to more entrenched beliefs in stereotypes. One of the BTL comments probably comes closer to explaining when the person says:

I think there are more people with ASD with a gender identity disorder because we're more gullible and have difficulty understanding the social and emotional aspects of gender and sexuality. We are often isolated, have low self-esteem, and can struggle coming into ourselves as teenagers and young adults. Online communities that offer clear answers and a strong sense of group identity can be very tempting. I would love to see some research done that isn't focused on getting autistic kids onto a transition pathway so we can get some actual answers.

Although a news article, this source would be better to read / show your son.

That made sense to me Iwanttoretire as he does care what I think. The part where you mention having my attention was interesting. He came home from work yesterday and said he’d been chatting to his dad in the car, saying he was going to learn to drive. I can’t help feeling that this is him trying to find a way to living on his own. He was even talking about using money he has from my parents to buy a car. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part but surely if he was so far down the hole he’d be thinking of quicker fixes than this? He then asked me to show him how to use the washing machine and dishwasher! At least it gives me a few months or years to play with.

https://www.ahaparenting.com/guide/teenagers

Worth bearing in mind the dictum that 'all behaviour is communication', perhaps.

Thanks. I’ll have a good read when I have a chance. I feel such a shit parent.

Thanks drblackbird. I think I will show him. Certainly the first one posted.

Most decent parents question their abilities. Parenting is fucking hard, sometimes.