Can someone help?

[WalterHWhite]

I have posted on the lgbt parents topic and posters have kindly answered me but this was a few days ago. One poster suggested that I posted here. My DS has told me that he feels he's in the wrong body. I just cannot get my head around that I am just supposed to accept this?

Shouldn't I be getting him some help for gender dysphoria rather than an acceptance that he's right and I must change my mindset? At the moment, there is no way on earth that I will be calling him she as he's not.

It's all well and good people saying that I must listen and go along with whatever he says but I can't. Maybe I can't love unconditionally, maybe I am wrong but I feel as if I'm being shamed and being made to believe something that I just don't. As if I'm the one who's not being realistic here.

Can anyone help me here? Thanks

Maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part but surely if he was so far down the hole he’d be thinking of quicker fixes than this? He then asked me to show him how to use the washing machine and dishwasher!

This seems quite positive that he is talking to both you and his father. Its almost like he is playing out scenarios of what his life might be when he has left home and is on his own.

So info about washing machines having as much interest for him as transitioning sounds sort of positive!

Has he shown any interest in hoovering?!!

But appreciate how hard this must be for you. ie you have to go on being the adult, whilst he can still be the child and have the opportunity to think what about this, or whatabout that. When I grow up I could .......

That’s where my mind was going with it iwanttoretire. I didn’t like to point out that all new machines have a handbook and are all different. No hoovering but is tidying his room atm!

He asked about mortgages and I had to point out that he would need a permanent contract (his job is with an agency) and he then went on to say that what he’d like to get into is - job relevant to his college course.

Call me cynical but I can’t help feeling that someone else is influencing him, sort of encouraging him to live alone and then he gets to live as he wants. I’m probably just being pessimistic but this feeling he has can’t just have gone away.

Going round in circles in my head now. I’ll show him the piece up thread about young autistic people and try and get him to engage with the therapist.

Has he only recently started his college course?

It is probably inevitable that at a college there will be a group who are very centred on trans ideology. And he may have been talking to them. And what they say may seem like an explanation of any alienation, disconnection he is feeling, without realising that nearly every teenager goes through this. There is a big lure to have someone say this is THE solution.

So it may come down to not just you, but other interests at college and work, balancing out what they have to say. Offer other futures.

Also, and I dont think anyone else has mentioned it, there is a lot of information from detransitioners about how transing turned out not to be the solution.

Some may advise against, particularly if he sees this as you just being negative. But if it is part of other information you are gathering for him.

Highly likely that stuff/people online is an influence, too.

He finished his course in June. He has a hobby now where he said a few are ‘trans’. Warhammer. I just thought they were a bit geeky.

He does talk a lot online. I can’t hear the words just voices. One sounds like a grown man but not sure what to do about that. I have a deep voice myself so could mean anything.

It feels peculiar as I don’t really want to talk about it with him but feel I should if that makes sense.

Detransion info is a good shout. I watched the Regretters one. So sad but that’s not for him I don’t think!

You don't have to share your son's beliefs to be a good parent to him. Remember to tell him you love him whatever and you are there to listen.

Be curious, talk to him - while being aware that some of what he says is him parroting lines from the internet; share your own experiences when younger - sex stereotypes are such a load of crap, we've all surely had times that we felt crap about our bodies and about what society demanded of us according to our sex. He already knows that you think long hair is just fine on boys, what's wrong with makeup and a dress if he can find one to fit him. Sounds like he could do with doing some thinking about stereotypes if he things having long hair is 'about' thinking you're a woman.

I'll see if I can find the article written by a young man (in Germany or somewhere in eastern Europe) where he writes about being groomed online by a trans activists, and the terrible decisions he took because of it.

Funnily enough it was when I started talking to my autistic son positively about getting him makeup and thinking about when he might like surgery (I never mentioned hormones) that he started rolling back a bit. He would happily have worn a dress, girlie hair clips etc but me talking seriously about sex reassignment seemed to cause a rethink about what he ultimately wanted - which was not to remove his penis and testicles.

This is the article I was thinking off (sorry for DM link) it may not be appropriate.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12291731/When-14-40-year-old-transsexual-manipulated-changing-sex.html

talking to my autistic son positively about getting him makeup

In a way if all young boys and men were included in conversations about wearing make up and even skirts as though it was natural, this might be the best weapon against the extremist position of you are the wrong sex.

ie their highly reactionary position of you are either one of the other, rather than the "gender bender" idea of the 70s. Why cant boys be more like Boy George and David Bowie.

The whole trans arguement is so reactionary and gender conforming (gender meaning the social construct that certain behaviours and interests belong to one sex of the other).

PS I dont think Boy George is a role model, but an example that you can be male and wear make up.

Thank you for the detransitioner story. Heartbreaking. I really don’t know how to bring the subject up with him now. It’s on my mind constantly and really isn’t healthy. I’m more obsessed than him!

One thing I did want to ask about was this - would you tell him about his traumatic birth and the reasons why he is adopted in an attempt to divert therapy towards this rather than the trans subject? I hope that makes sense. He should really have been told why he was adopted much sooner, I know that and I have kept putting it off as he had enough to deal with (I felt.)

The reason I’m thinking now is that last week when he told me he was saying how he had looked into how brains are developed in the womb and that sometimes too many of the ‘wrong’ hormones are in there making you a different gender. (I know, I know.)

Right - this is hard to write- his birth mother was a drug addict and he was in hospital withdrawing for two months before going into foster care. I did try and go down the fasd route but people weren’t listening. I’m willing to admit I didn’t try hard enough but I did my best at the time I thought.

Does anyone know where I’m going with this as it does seem rather rambly? That if he knew about his history it might focus his mind on other issues rather than that he has this ‘trans brain.’ Feels like a tactic but I’m desperate that he doesn’t go down this route. Thank you

What a difficult situation. The poor wee child, he had gone through so much before he even got to you.

If he does seek therapy, then perhaps this might be something to talk about at the time. I expect any therapist would likely be told about his adoptive history and that kind of aspect may come up. If you feel he ought to be told, then I suggest you follow your instincts, but hold his wellbeing in mind as you consider it and judge when to share it according to that, rather than in an attempt to influence him.

There is some evidence that trauma and ACEs feature quite heavily among 'gender questioning' children and young people. I would imagine this should be something to consider and address for any reputable therapist.

@WalterHWhite

Please stop blaming yourself!

Its clear that you took on a child in very difficult circumstances and now at an age when many young adults start having all sorts of question your son is as well.

I think as soon as you feel able he should know about his medical history. Not just because of what is happening now, but for the future.

I am wondering if there is a support group for people who have adopted children with the same issues as your son. No doubt there will be different advice, but they would be the best group to talk to.

Is he currently receiving any medical or theraputic support? If so maybe raise it with them as how best to tell him.

But (and this is my personal unprofessional opinion) dont tell him sort of implying this is why he is having issues / difficulties. But maybe say now that he seems to be becoming more adult and thinking about his future, he should know about this fact about his early life.

In the meantime have a good weekend!

Happy for you to PM me. I am a parent of a 19 year old trans DD (wanting to be DS), they are also autistic. I kind of get what you are going through.

Thank you both for taking the time to reply at such length. As you said, his well-being is very important. I do have that in mind honestly.

I will do as you suggested and tell him as he should know really. I just don’t want to push him further away from us as a family. I don’t mind for myself. I just worry how he’ll cope.

There is an fasd group on Facebook and he does see a psychiatrist for adhd meds which he says he no longer needs/uses. I have contacted a therapist (no pronouns!) and she has availability. Thank you again

Seems to me in the face of this new development you have achieved a lot.

Give yourself a pat on the back - and another tv binge watch!

Pat on back given! He has to agree to see her yet though I might go myself if he won’t. Could be beneficial. Paying for it might be difficult but I’ll sort something out. It would probably take years to get any funding from adoption uk for example

Have pm’d you @Lovemusic82

I just wanted to say this (can you tell I’m lonely?!) although I’m sure it’s unnecessary, that considering what he’s been through, he’s achieved so much. This is what gets to me about this ideology. The waste. He did so well at College although mentally he found it draining. Distinctions in a level 3 diploma is no mean feat. He’s also a really sweet person. I want to be proud of him but I’m frightened for him now really. I must get a grip though I know.

I expect you wouldn't be here, and so upset, if you didn't care very deeply for him.

I agree that counselling or therapy for yourself is worth thinking about, OP. Given how low you seem to have been feeling, it might be worth contacting your GP, or I think if you're in England/Wales you can self refer for mental health support?

Yes, here's the link:

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

I'm wondering about identity as a connection here, Walter.
Adopted children often struggle with identity issues, and obviously 'gender transition' is all about identity.
And it's interesting that this has come up at a key time in development, moving from child to adult.
I think your intuition about going back in time- rather than focussing on potential, future identity could be a helpful way to shift the focus (and tension).
Has your son ever done Therapeutic Life Story work with a social worker or therapist?

Hi I’m so sorry this is happening to you both. There are a lot of wise words on here. Fwiw, I second genspect wider lens for some sort of clarification also Gender dysphoria network arranges zoom chats with other parents. Its useful to share stories and find you are not a lone, it can be disturbing for the same reasons.
genspect have a list of non affirming therapists called GETA. They suggest strongly like previous posters that you seek therapy. Be careful, there’s therapists out there who will insist you uses the new name/ pronouns and are a bad parent/ it’s all your fault if you don’t.
we are in a sort of similar situation with our DD and the advice and support on here has been invaluable as I’ve ranted and wailed and generally lost the plot. I think as a pp says, please vent or whatever, it does help other mums who may be lurking, and it does help you - especially if you can’t find a therapist. I found one who pretty much said everything said on here!
, I think PITT sub stack has a post about what it took talk her child out of this stuff. I think it was ..get them into sport so they learn how their body is more than just looks, get them off the internet ( no I don’t know how. I guess lose their phone and get them a non smart one?) and lots of discussion and detrans videos. I’ll look for some links.
also, yes, I think there is a definite move to persuede children to leave home and isolate them from their parents. And I think there is also a step by step script they seem to follow.
do pm me, if you fancy. Not sure what I can do, but sending hugs anyway.

It’s on my mind constantly and really isn’t healthy. I’m more obsessed than him!

This was exactly the same for me. I found it really hard to concentrate at work and was really distressed but he seemed happy and carefree. I think it's because we have mature adult brains and they have immature adolescent ones. Our life experiences help us get to the problem much faster and we are more likely to question things if they seem unrealistic. Also, of course, we want to protect them from potential harm.

We tell our kids, when they grow up they can be anything they want to be but I never meant that he could be a woman!

My son was surrounded by friends (mostly trans identifying) and his girlfriend (also trans) who all encouraged him to leave home and reject his family.