Can someone help?

[WalterHWhite]

I have posted on the lgbt parents topic and posters have kindly answered me but this was a few days ago. One poster suggested that I posted here. My DS has told me that he feels he's in the wrong body. I just cannot get my head around that I am just supposed to accept this?

Shouldn't I be getting him some help for gender dysphoria rather than an acceptance that he's right and I must change my mindset? At the moment, there is no way on earth that I will be calling him she as he's not.

It's all well and good people saying that I must listen and go along with whatever he says but I can't. Maybe I can't love unconditionally, maybe I am wrong but I feel as if I'm being shamed and being made to believe something that I just don't. As if I'm the one who's not being realistic here.

Can anyone help me here? Thanks

Sorry you are going through this @WalterHWhite it must be very difficult. How long ago did he tell you this?

I found Hannah Barnes book really interesting... it includes some discussion about the early approach taken at the Tavistock, which was very much counselling for any trauma or issues and to explore why they felt the way they did, and watch and wait, with the majority eventually changing their minds.

I have no personal experience, but from everything I've read the best approach seems to be avoiding anything that affirms them in their selected "gender identity", and trying to seek support from a non affirmative therapist to explore what is going on (i think this links to earlier comments about looking for those that don't use pronouns). Perhaps it might also be worth asking more questions about what he thinks it means to be a woman or a man, then pointing out any inconsistencies or trying to make him think more logically about gender stereotypes... no idea how successful that might be.

And also, you are definitely not a monster. It's important to be firm with your own personal principles and boundaries, and your son needs to learn that he can't override these.

Very sorry this is happening, OP. I am sure you are genuine, but regular FWR posters may be a bit cautious about replying to someone without much posting history. As you'll know from having lurked on here, we quite often get fake posters, pretending to be GC, in order to try to provoke us into saying something they consider transphobic, which then gets plastered out of context all over other social media.

Unfortunately, we have had to become quite wary and to read between the lines. Not everyone is who they say they are.

I hope you get support for yourself and for your son.

Oh I hadn't thought of that. I've been here since 2018. Have had a few name changes mainly due to a new laptop and not remembering passwords. Can I prove it in any way? I'm finding this so helpful and I'd be gutted to have this support taken away. Glad you pointed it out though.

I don't think there is any need - please don't post anything that might allow people to dox you. Posters will be happy to provide you with links, and to signpost you to support. They just may be a bit wary about sharing personal anecdotes etc.

Thanks @Imicola. He told me on Wednesday night. He had put some feelers out having seen some Sex Matters information that was sent to me but I thought it was just that he thought I was anti trans. I will take what you said about the best (?) approach being to not affirm or go along with any name changes.

He does look for my approval so I may ask him if before doing anything would he agree to hold off on anything and have some therapy. Hopefully I can find a non-affirming one. Perhaps I'm just buying time I don't know and although he's been sitting with this information for a while, I haven't.

Sorry, was on my way out the door! I mean it is critical to find an open minded therapist who has not uncritically swallowed all gender ideology.

Therapy and counselling is highly Stonewalled and I believe its very hard for those in that profession to talk candidly. So if seeking help, I would avoid consulting anyone who displays their pronouns.

And perhaps ask them for their views on the subject, bearing in mind they should be as objective and free of political and ideological dogma as possible.

This has always been my concern over this ideology and how too many get caught up in it.

I am in no way trying to be offensive, but there does seem to be a trend of autistic youngsters who spend a lot of time on the internet wanting to change sex. Without giving personal info away, what sort of interests does he have? Because again there are certain interests that are popular within the trans community and may have found his way into that way (such as trans fans of anime).

I think the best thing is to talk to him, talk him through it (which is what therapists used to do), break down gender stereotypes. Some parents were shocked when they heard that their sons wanted to transition because they liked rom-coms (silly as it sounds).

It may be difficult but try to get him outside more, away from technology, I've heard many parents get children to have a summer on a farm, working at stables, even gardening. Just away from social media.

The Adoption Support Fund is available to young people up to the age of 21 and 25 if they have an EHCP. However TeenDivided's caveats are definitely important to think about. The ASF can also fund therapeutic parenting support for adoptive parents too. And you're right OP, your son's neurodiversity and early trauma is definitely extremely relevant. I send you my very warmest wishes of support to you, having worked in this area for 23 years.

Other posters are focusing on the autism, but I think the being adopted will be an additional trigger - the feeling he doesn't quite fit u think can be inbuilt in adopted children, just showing itself in different ways.

Here are some good resources from therapists Stella O'Malley and Sasha Ayad:

Their YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@widerlenspod/videos

The book that they've just written for parents just like you: https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Kids-Say-Theyre-Trans-ebook/dp/B0C5Q276C2

There is a known correlation between autism and gender uncertainty.

It is a shame that the whole idea of being "in the wrong body" is so prevalent now. It is all over social media and sometimes can be a useful hook to hang other problems on. It is not unusual for young people of his age to feel uncertain about so many things as he is just starting out on being an adult. It may be that this is a genuine problem for him but I am certain that there are times when young people grab at this explanation for their uncertainties.

Just tell him you love him whatever, but you would like him to take this slowly and give himself time to properly explore his feelings with the help of an outsider if needed.

Thank you to all of you who have posted. I don't want to be @ing everyone but I'm really grateful. I do feel a bit more reassured that I'm living in a mad world - not that I'm mad.

Would Adoption Support affirm though @Litterpicking? I think the word is captured. Or do you mean that I could approach them and they may fund therapy of my choice? (As much as I'm able to.) I want to be able to get him out of the mindset.

I think someone mentioned that social workers and therapists may be "captured" but it's worth a try as there is funding available for adoptive families. I agree that if professionals are displaying their pronouns, that will indicate their bias..I work for an adoption support accredited therapy agency and even though some of my colleagues are sympathetic to aspects of gender identity, they are still very careful and thoughtful and we are able to debate the issue. They would never affirm an under-18 young person without their parent's permission..it's such a minefield, I'm afraid. Adoptive adolescents struggle so much with their identity..as they have such complex life stories as you know better than anyone. However, your son is chronologically an adult but adoption professionals should recognise their vulnerability.

Does he do much in the way of exercise or anything that might help him appreciate the otherwise healthy body he has? The Telegraph this weekend had an article about the awful effect cross-sex hormones have in increasing risks of serious disease.

Sadly, I'm another parent who has been through this. My son is now practically estranged but does respond when I message him (just doesn't contact us off his own back). He's older and lives independently. I understand exactly what you are feeling. I expressed pretty much the same when I posted about my son a couple of years ago (you can read the thread if you search for it).

However, what I wanted to tell you is that, for me anyway, things are so much better now. I spent practically a whole year crying. Absolutely devastated because I knew that there was no compromise and that he was going to reject us. But a year on I am so much happier.

I have accepted that he is going to live his life on his terms and that really is ok with me. I had to protect my own mental health and I could not be bullied and blackmailed into an unhappy relationship with him. So here we are. Both keeping contact and both happy with the current state of affairs (well, at least I am and I assume he is). A lot can happen in a year so I am not stressing over the future, I am just getting on with my life. There is hope but it's an incredibly difficult process to go though. Almost like grief.

"What he says Cats is that he hates his body and has hated it for many years. He's had years of indoctrination on the internet and I feel bad that I didn't monitor it more closely."

What about his body does he hate specifically though?
This movement really worries me honestly, because afaik literally every teenager grows up hating their body at some point or another - Some people learn to accept, some people never do.

There's a whole host of different things that can cause someone to hate their body and not feel comfortable in themselves aside from being trans.
Is there any way to have just a normal investigative type conversation with him and just ask him where he's coming from and what his feelings are on it, why, like - go nitty gritty with it, does he just prefer more feminine things? Does he understand that liking feminine things doesn't mean you must be the opposite sex secretly - There are plenty of men who like more girly things that don't feel the need to "transition" because their comfortable in their interests and likes, not embarrassed by them.
Since when did people become so insecure about their masculinity or femininity just because they don't follow stereotypes?

What happened to the ideal of wanting to be liked/loved for being "Just as you are"? :/
I remember seeing that scene in Bridget Jones when I was a kid and it resonated with me insanely deeply - it saddens me so so so much that people these days just throw all that to the wind.

EDIT; Would be good if I could get the GIF to move from the top of this post to the end, but that's how the cookie's crumbling today I suppose!

www.spectrumnews.org/news/gender-and-sexuality-in-autism-explained/

www.themainewire.com/2023/03/horrifying-huge-proportion-of-children-pursuing-gender-transitions-are-actually-autistic-experts-believe/

I'm a parent but not of a trans child. Can you talk about how he can be any type of man he wants to be - artistic, unconventional, nurturing, wearing dresses and make-up - these are all things men can do.

From what I know of the 2 adopted children I know, both would have benefitted from counselling or mental health support so it sounds like that could be a good avenue.

Parent of child identifying as trans here.. I have found this support group really helpful https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

These are people going through the same thing so really understand. I’m sorry for you and your son and your whole family that you are part of this madness.

Yes Zelda this is what I’m going to try and get him to do. I was just talking to him and he is so very feminine which I think is fine. I just wish he could see it. I’m talking about gender stereotypes and throwing anything I can think of. He did ask me to send him information on the stats about autism and gender dysphoria. I need to find the best information I can! I think he wants to try and disprove anything I find but I have to try. I’m broken to be honest

Thank you @MariePaperRoses. That might be what I show him

I have contacted Bayswater and she replied asking for information on what I was looking for. I have had a reply but can’t read it for some reason. Aarrghh