Hey everyone,
I've been gone for a little while. Life happened. Then today hit me like a train flying off the tracks. Allow me to explain please...
I left my abusive ex when our child was a year old. Shortly after he claimed that he's transgender. Soon after he started demanding that I and our child call him female pronouns and our child should call him, "mommy." No, not just mommy, all of the pronouns. I tried asking him to pick one to avoid confusion. He called me transphobic again. So, our child came back from summer visitation stating that she has two moms and a daddy. Oh, yeah he calls his partner her daddy. No they aren't married.
It's been just over a month since he has last talked to our child. She's three now. I thought I had a break through a couple of weeks ago when I showed her two different pictures of her father. How he looked before and after and how they look very much the same. The only difference is the longer hair and heavy cover up. He still has a five oclock shadow. No, he isn't concerned about passing. Like, at all. My daughter understood it clearly and I wanted to jump up shout and celebrate. She has been so damn confused by his actions. She looked at me and said, "Daddy is silly isn't he?" And I said, "Yes but that's a grown up problem you don't have to worry about."
Then today... When we were have some er difficulties... She never went through terrible two's. So, yeah. Hello terrible threes? Anyhow, she was pushing boundaries about not putting her seat belt on and I wasn't having it. Normally, she will wait for me to buckle her she even helps by pulling the buckle over her head. Today? Nope, even after explaining she wanted to be stubborn. She finally let me buckle her when I stepped back, pulled out my phone and acted as if I wasn't budging until she put her seat belt on. (don't laugh, she's pouting, don't laugh!) I said to myself. She has the cutest pout.
I buckle my seat belt and she says to me... "I'm going to my new home with my other Mommy and Daddy." I stopped and swallowed hard. "Do you mean me?" I asked. "No. My other Mommy." I ah, it hurt... I know she didn't mean it but it hurt. I expected to hear from my child, "I don't like you," or "I hate you," Or "I'm going to run away." I didn't expect to hear that.
I took the drive to the store to think about what to say. When I got there I opened her door and explained everything all over again.
I cried the first time I felt her kick. For the first time in my life a pregnancy was holding. I was going to be a mother and it made me cry tears of joy. Oh, I blubbered! When she was born I didn't want to put her down or let her go. Before I gave birth I thought that I might not be able to breast feed. It always sounded weird to me. The first time I breast fed, I cried again. I loved her the minute I knew she was there.
But in times like this... I suddenly find myself feeling like I am not her mother. Like something was taken from me, violently. There have been other times when she's been gone at visitation with him or when she's come back and it takes her awhile to adapt to being back. It hurts. It feels unreal. I feel numb. I hate it. I don't feel like a mother. It feels like there's a giant gaping hole inside of me. Yeah, I'm in therapy, yeah I've been diagnosed with PTSD... But there are times where I don't have anyone to talk to.
I'm 44 with a three year old with an abusive ex who is using a real mental illness to continue abusing me through our child. This is beyond fetishes and dysphoria... I hate that he can still impact me like this. But tonight I find myself trying to get that feeling of motherhood back. I'm her mother... Right?