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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

7 yo boy wants to wear dress and tights to school

256 replies

TotallyAverage · 25/01/2023 14:22

My DS has not long turned 7. We've always allowed him to choose his clothes and shoes, toys, books etc as much as he is interested so he has occasionally worn pink trainers and sparkly hairbands etc but generally isn't bothered and just wears navy tracksuit bottoms and a Minecraft/super mario t-shirt. Lately he's been pushing more and more to wear dresses and tights especially to school and I'm not sure how best to reply.

We've always tried to teach him that it doesn't matter how he dresses, what his hair looks like, what toys or films he likes, he's a boy and is male. Boys and girls can like anything they want to, there's no such thing as boys toys etc.

We've done this in a fairly gentle way but always been consistent, I've always thought it was the right thing to do. I'm not totally sure now, as he is questioning why he can't wear a dress to school, if it doesn't change who he is. Essentially asking me to put my money where my mouth is!

As a 3, 4, 5 year old at nursery I'd have let him, he had plenty of princess clothes and things he could wear, but to school/beavers etc? I also don't want anyone to make more of it than it is. We're in Scotland and I feel like we have to be extra careful how we discuss sex and gender with the children.

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well here, I'm basically trying to say to him dresses are only for girls, but also that he can be who he wants and wear what he wants... I'm in a guddle with it. Maybe I'm overthinking? Any wisdom?!

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MichelleScarn · 25/01/2023 14:24

Would he not just accept that X is your uniform for school as is Y for beavers?
Do beavers have a 'female' uniform?

Gcfemale · 25/01/2023 14:25

I would tell him that the school has a uniform and as a boy he is expected wear X, Y and Z and that if he wants to wear anything else outside of school he can.

midgetastic · 25/01/2023 14:26

Why can't he wear a dress to school ?

PuttingDownRoots · 25/01/2023 14:26

Ask him why.

Beavers... we advise boys and girls to wear shorts or trousers. Skirts aren't really suitable for the activities anymore than wearing one to the swimming pool or playing football.

School... the girls are allowed. So there isn't really a good reason why a boy couldn't. He might soon discover they aren't practical either.

Original poster
TotallyAverage · 25/01/2023 14:28

Why can't he wear a dress to school?

This is what I've been pondering myself and I'm feeling mudddled about the answer. Ultimately... I don't want him to. I'm not as open minded as I thought? I don't know.

Beavers is just a jumper but can go over a skirt or dress or trousers.

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Original poster
TotallyAverage · 25/01/2023 14:29

Practicality for beavers is a good one. I've never paid much attention but I agree joggers or leggings are much more practical!

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FOJN · 25/01/2023 14:30

I don't think the issue is him wearing a dress, it's more what the school will make of it. I can understand your concern.

midgetastic · 25/01/2023 14:30

So you don't want him to wear a dress for school but as far as you know he could ?

Krakenes · 25/01/2023 14:30

It’s difficult as if you start saying dresses are only for girls and he wants to wear a dress, he may think he can only wear one by ‘becoming a girl’. Can’t you just say it’s not practical for school and you can’t afford new uniform anyway, but he can wear what he wants out of school.

puffyisgood · 25/01/2023 14:31

most of the girls, certainly the older girls, at my daughter's primary school choose to wear trousers during the colder months.

I'd be inclined to discourage dresses or skirts, tell him (truthfully) that it'll draw unwelcome attention to him. perhaps long hair or an ear piercing or something might pacify him for now.

bellinisurge · 25/01/2023 14:33

I love how you are going gently and supportively with him. I think it's worth a conversation with the school about whether he can wear a dress if he's more comfortable in it and will respond to the learning environment better. What you want to be wary of is them trying to pigeonhole him as "trans" instead of a boy who wears more feminine clothes.
You also want to discourage him from thinking he can access female spaces for E.g. getting changed once he gets to end of primary/start of secondary.
The school should keep an eye on him getting grief from bullies.

Original poster
TotallyAverage · 25/01/2023 14:36

So you don't want him to wear a dress for school but as far as you know he could?

I think so. I've never asked the school, but the uniform policy is something like 'grey skirt or shorts/trousers' and doesn't specify male and female. Everyone just does the boys = trousers thing though.

I am concerned that others might read more into it, or that someone well-meaning might say something that causes him to question what we've told him (normally a good thing but not in this case!).

Thanks for the replies so far. When he brings it up again I'll maybe ask him what it is that appeals to him. He is very drawn to 'taboo' type things (he is 7 after all!) so possibly is just testing that particular rule in his head? I'm not sure.

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VeronicaBeccabunga · 25/01/2023 14:38

I understand your dilemma here, but I'm inclined to think that in this instance you need to be The Parent and insist that he wears the boys' uniform for school.

I work p/t in a primary school and with the best will in the world allowing a boy to wear a dress is going to label you as 'that parent' and your son as 'that kid', with all the consequences this might entail.

Let him wear anything he chooses in his own time, out of school.

Blip · 25/01/2023 14:39

I think he should definitely be able to wear a dress to school if he wants to and the school should surely support that choice.

StamppotAndGravy · 25/01/2023 14:41

How about just telling him it's too cold now but he can wear a dress in the summer. You could even let him wear tights under his trousers to go along with this, then he's half way. He might have forgotten by the summer

OnTheRoll · 25/01/2023 14:41

I would just tell him that boys wear trousers and shorts as boys' uniform. No need to get into details, that's just the rule.

He is 7 and you are the parent. He will be fine.

TenTenEleven · 25/01/2023 14:42

I think if the school uniform rules allow it and your DS really wants to, there's no issue with him wearing a dress. As long as everyone (particularly the school) is crystal clear about the fact that it does not mean he is or should be a girl. He will be a boy in a dress.

FetchezLaVache · 25/01/2023 14:42

You could use it as your intro to discuss immutable sex differences, OP, whether or not you let him wear the dress.

Original poster
TotallyAverage · 25/01/2023 14:45

Thanks for all the perspectives! It helped me just to write it down and have a think about it.

Wearing whatever he likes out of school, but sticking with his uniform at school might make sense. He might just need to get it out of his system? Also I'm not keen to be buying anything else.

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Dartmoorcheffy · 25/01/2023 14:46

Why would you want your child to be mocked and laughed at by his peers and their parents? Because that is what will happen. I'm not saying that's fair but it is true. You tell him he is a little boy and there are rules at school on what boys have to wear.

Original poster
TotallyAverage · 25/01/2023 14:47

You could use it as your intro to discuss immutable sex differences, OP, whether or not you let him wear the dress

We are well into those discussions 😁 he's very scientific so loves the factual differences between the sexes and with two younger siblings he knows that the sperm decides the sex before a baby is born, etc.

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ScrollingLeaves · 25/01/2023 14:49

I understand your worry because of:

how other people might perceive him and possibly start hinting at, or about him and whispering in his ear which by all accounts schools are already doing.

how if he is still young enough to think girls things make him a girl and vice versa he might muddle himself ( though I think by seven he should understand - what does the ( non ideological) research say?)

It would be good if the girls’ uniform was a kilt which would be perceived neutrally.

Have you any idea why he wants to wear a dress? Does he have a special friend who does, or love a character who does?

SNWannabe · 25/01/2023 14:49

Has he ever tried to put tights on? Tights and dresses are impractical for small children to be active in and difficult to put on. I have four kids- 2 boys 2 girls- and none have been “allowed” to wear tights and dresses to school as they’d 1. Take forever to get dressed in the mornings, and/or 2. Spend half their day flashing their pants

Get a pair of tights and a dress for at home, but don’t help him put them on and see how keen he is to wear them. Then say at summertime he can have a skort or similar.

Johnnysgirl · 25/01/2023 14:50

Where are these kids getting the idea that they can wear the girls version of the uniform if they so choose? It's a relatively recent thing, isn't it?
Just tell him he doesn't get to choose, any more than he gets to choose whether to wear uniform or not.

JaggySplinter · 25/01/2023 14:50

If it's true, you can tell him you can't afford another set of school uniform right now. But I'd say that there's nothing wrong with him wearing a dress to school of he wants to try it out. He may not like the attention it brings, or he might decide he prefers it to shorts/trousers. Who knows?

He will stand out as different, but I expect you've been teaching him that there's nothing wrong with being different. If that's the case, you can't really keep saying that and also tell him he can't wear a dress to school. Or say that trousers are for boys/dresses are for girls and also keep saying that he can express himself however he wants to.

It is tricky, but either you believe what you've been saying, or you are actually more closed-minded than you though you were. That's not wrong or bad, but I can be hard to admit to yourself.