7 yo boy wants to wear dress and tights to school

[TotallyAverage]

My DS has not long turned 7. We've always allowed him to choose his clothes and shoes, toys, books etc as much as he is interested so he has occasionally worn pink trainers and sparkly hairbands etc but generally isn't bothered and just wears navy tracksuit bottoms and a Minecraft/super mario t-shirt. Lately he's been pushing more and more to wear dresses and tights especially to school and I'm not sure how best to reply.

We've always tried to teach him that it doesn't matter how he dresses, what his hair looks like, what toys or films he likes, he's a boy and is male. Boys and girls can like anything they want to, there's no such thing as boys toys etc.

We've done this in a fairly gentle way but always been consistent, I've always thought it was the right thing to do. I'm not totally sure now, as he is questioning why he can't wear a dress to school, if it doesn't change who he is. Essentially asking me to put my money where my mouth is!

As a 3, 4, 5 year old at nursery I'd have let him, he had plenty of princess clothes and things he could wear, but to school/beavers etc? I also don't want anyone to make more of it than it is. We're in Scotland and I feel like we have to be extra careful how we discuss sex and gender with the children.

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well here, I'm basically trying to say to him dresses are only for girls, but also that he can be who he wants and wear what he wants... I'm in a guddle with it. Maybe I'm overthinking? Any wisdom?!

Just tell him he's a bou and under schoolrules he can't wear a skirt. In our society dresses are for girls trousers are for boys and girls. I can see why it's not logical. But I wouldn't let him wear a skirt to school. Wearing a skirt won't make him a girl. No wonder children are confused.

I don't know that FWR can square the circle of their prevailing and conflicting ideologies on this one, OP.

On one hand there will be a sentiment that the sexes should be free to wear whatever they like, and on the other hand you will be told that you son, if he persists in this in adulthood, will be an AGP male.

Do you encourage your child to reject all societal norms if they wish?

What if they wanted to go naked to school?
What if they don't want to go to school?
What if they want to eat their school dinner sitting on the floor?
What if they don't want to bathe regularly?

All just societal norms which could be different or accepted.

Gendered clothing may be pointless or restrictive and maybe boys should be able to wear dresses but currently they can't without drawing negative attention. That may be wrong and we may move towards an acceptance of men in dresses as we did for women in trousers, but we aren't there yet.

And children outside their homes need to understand the culture they live in and not be sold the utopian lie of how their parents wish it was.

Telling a boy it's just fine to wear a dress to school is lying to him. It won't be fine it will create all sorts of potential issues.

Just say no.

Say, ‘this is the boys’ uniform, you can wear whatever you want outside of school’.

I guarantee your child’s school has got enough going on without dealing with a 7 year old boy wanting to come to school in a dress and all that entails.

Sometimes in life, we all have to conform with things. Like paying tax. Or stopping at a red light. This is a really non-harmful thing for your child to conform with.

You can support him in his clothing choices on evenings, weekends and holidays, without involving school.

My concern, given the capture by most schools, that they would begin to encourage that perhaps he is a girl.

Imagine - the other children start saying 'you're a girl, you wear a dress'. DS hues to teacher who tells him he can be who he wants and asks if he feels he is a girl and so in ......

Schools have shown that they cannot be trusted with this. I would be telling him that boys have to wear the boys uniform.

What a crazy world.

What if he wanted to wear a pj masks outfit?

Some things are not appropriate for situations!

A simple no will suffice. He'll soon move on.

Has he said why he wants to do this? I'd be tempted to double-check the uniform policy, ask him what he'll say to people who question/laugh at him, ask him what he'll say to any staff who ask him if he thinks he's a girl and then let him go to school in a dress if he still wants to!

I think I might tell him he's can't wear a dress because it would get very complicated.

Unfortunately some old fashioned people would assume he's a girl, or that he thinks he's a girl.

We had a boy at my child's school. He and his older Sister were about 10 months apart. He absolutely wore a skirt because his Sister was- and that was that.

After initial questions and answers from the kids- why are you wearing a skirt? because * is wearing a skirt. That was that. This was from about 5-8 years old. I noticed he started wearing the skirts less once he became more sporty; I guess shorts felt more practical. The kids played on the astroturf a lot- so falling over on that resulted in horrible grazes- so longer shorts/trackies seemed to be the preference for that reason.

As far as I could see, no real issues.

Happy to be flamed for this but at the very young age of 7, I'd just say a simple 'no'. As a parent, you're allowed to decide what your child wears. At 17 it would obviously be his own decision but by then he should be more aware of the potential implications. By all means let him experiment at home though.

@Johnnysgirl what can I say, it’s true, he does and it’s true I’ve heard nothing negative. I do live in London though so maybe not as acceptable in conservative Tunbridge Wells or wherever.

Maybe negotiate and tell him on the next dress down day or party he can wear a kilt ? You are in existindo and here would not be that unusual ?
mate you worried about what other might say and hurt him by doing so or are you worried he actuality wants to be a girl ?

We would say "usually in our community/culture/country boys wear trousers. Really they are much more comfy and easier to play in than skirts" then there's usually an interesting convo about what people wear at different times in history and in different countries. He might just want to be the centre of attention with 2 younger sibs.

I had one child who was a bit attention seeking and wanted to wear a dress for book day re David walliams book. But he'd never even read the book and just wanted to get people talking 🙄

I would be tempted to say something along the lines of:
"The whole point of having a school uniform is so that no one child
stands out, that everyone is pretty much the same, so you can't work out who is rich or poor etc from what they are wearing.

That's why they say things like 'no extreme hairstyles' (or whatever is specific to your school) because all the attention then goes onto the individual child rather than people just blending in and getting on with their work.

You know that wearing dresses and tights doesn't turn you into a girl and you know that a girl wearing trousers and socks doesn't turn her into a boy.
But we have a really odd situation in our country at the moment where some grown-ups are pretending that if a boy wears a dress or likes pretty things then that means he must be actually really a girl underneath it all. Which is all sexist bobbins.

And you have probably noticed that some kids might not be very kind to kids who dress or behave differently or they might ask silly or rude questions. Which would be a pain to deal with when you just want to play or get on with your work.

So while on one level it would be nice if anyone could just wear whatever they want to school, it's probably best to just stick with your usual uniform and save the dressing up stuff for other times."

I live in London too.

So my child wants to wear a tutu to school.. should this be allowed and supported?? No!!

Absolutely

The school might allow this. But they'll be expecting that the other kids will make this boy's life a misery until he conforms.

Christ, what is with the posters suggesting it's the school's job to "support" his fashion choices?

We could say the world has gone mad if feminists, of all people, start acting as though your behaviour must match your sex (we do not say "gender" here). Surely when anyone is more free, we are all more free?

The whole point of ‘uniform’ is, that everyone conforms!

He is 7 and shouldn’t be testing boundaries he should be messing with snails,painting,using glitter, swimming and shouting and bawling like all 7 years olds male and female do.

By giving our children ‘options’ we are placing more decision making on them that they shouldn’t have to handle in this carefree youth they have for such a short time.
Many decisions should and need to be made for them - their diet,their bath times, their bedtimes and indeed dressing practically and seasonally and we shouldn’t be encouraging children to break the rules as rules are an inevitable part of life.

So, for now-he needs to wear the uniform he already has, maybe shorts in summer.

At seven, deep and meaningfuls aren't going to produce a lot.

There's a range of possible motivations here. That it's something he sees girls wear but not boys and wants to break that as a means of playing with boundaries; that there's an excitement about breaking boundaries using clothes; that he sees girls clothes as having meaning, or he plain likes dresses.

The thing is: the clothes don't create the sex, girls wear trousers. I'm not keen on encouraging the whole 'lets use what we see as girls' clothes and identity for boys to enjoy breaking boundaries, and celebrating that as open minded coolness, because we're neck deep in misogyny and play with girls' identities for funsies at the moment through all that and it's not going well for the half of the human race who are female. And it opens up a whole potential hornets nest that he's quite innocently going to walk into.

I'd stick with a quite simple no, not at school.

I think the reason why women/girls traditionally wore dresses and skirts, not trousers, is peeing without flashing your bum. Men and boys can just undo their fly.

It isn’t really necessary now, but it is our different plumbing.

This is actually a good point.

Ask him if he knows he has to pee sitting on the toilet and to direct his pee so it won’t wet his clothes!!

We generally conform to most social norms e.g. bathing frequently etc and not walking around naked unless at a nudist event. What is wrong with saying 'no' to this little boy? Explain why, too. That the norm of this culture is that boys do not wear dresses and tights anywhere. Give the princess dresses to a charity shop unless his siblings are sisters. Ffs who wants their DS ridiculed at school, or worse put on the 'gender affirming' pathway? Some societal norms need to be accepted. Times may change, but have not yet and the way they are going is not good.