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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

7 yo boy wants to wear dress and tights to school

256 replies

TotallyAverage · 25/01/2023 14:22

My DS has not long turned 7. We've always allowed him to choose his clothes and shoes, toys, books etc as much as he is interested so he has occasionally worn pink trainers and sparkly hairbands etc but generally isn't bothered and just wears navy tracksuit bottoms and a Minecraft/super mario t-shirt. Lately he's been pushing more and more to wear dresses and tights especially to school and I'm not sure how best to reply.

We've always tried to teach him that it doesn't matter how he dresses, what his hair looks like, what toys or films he likes, he's a boy and is male. Boys and girls can like anything they want to, there's no such thing as boys toys etc.

We've done this in a fairly gentle way but always been consistent, I've always thought it was the right thing to do. I'm not totally sure now, as he is questioning why he can't wear a dress to school, if it doesn't change who he is. Essentially asking me to put my money where my mouth is!

As a 3, 4, 5 year old at nursery I'd have let him, he had plenty of princess clothes and things he could wear, but to school/beavers etc? I also don't want anyone to make more of it than it is. We're in Scotland and I feel like we have to be extra careful how we discuss sex and gender with the children.

I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well here, I'm basically trying to say to him dresses are only for girls, but also that he can be who he wants and wear what he wants... I'm in a guddle with it. Maybe I'm overthinking? Any wisdom?!

OP posts:
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User478 · 25/01/2023 14:51

You're in Scotland! Get him a kilt! (Which is fine for Beavers - www.scouts.org.uk/por/10-uniform-badges-and-emblems/rule-1019-the-kilt-pleated-tartan-skirts/ )

Tdcp · 25/01/2023 14:51

My daughter doesn't wear dresses or skirts (she hates them) but she also hates shorts because if she falls over in the playground she grazes her knees etc. Can you say something along those lines? You're doing great by the way, don't doubt yourself.

Johnnysgirl · 25/01/2023 14:52

TenTenEleven · 25/01/2023 14:42

I think if the school uniform rules allow it and your DS really wants to, there's no issue with him wearing a dress. As long as everyone (particularly the school) is crystal clear about the fact that it does not mean he is or should be a girl. He will be a boy in a dress.

He will be a boy in a dress
It would be quite naive to imagine that wouldn't be an issue.

Princesspollyyy · 25/01/2023 14:54

I would just explain that people will probably be laughing and making fun of him.

Explain he is a boy, male, and the school say the boys uniform is whatever they say it is. Reinforce that school rules have to be followed and adhered to.

OnTheRoll · 25/01/2023 14:55

JaggySplinter · 25/01/2023 14:50

If it's true, you can tell him you can't afford another set of school uniform right now. But I'd say that there's nothing wrong with him wearing a dress to school of he wants to try it out. He may not like the attention it brings, or he might decide he prefers it to shorts/trousers. Who knows?

He will stand out as different, but I expect you've been teaching him that there's nothing wrong with being different. If that's the case, you can't really keep saying that and also tell him he can't wear a dress to school. Or say that trousers are for boys/dresses are for girls and also keep saying that he can express himself however he wants to.

It is tricky, but either you believe what you've been saying, or you are actually more closed-minded than you though you were. That's not wrong or bad, but I can be hard to admit to yourself.

Speaking of close-minded.

My daughter was all in awe of Harry Styles and his Vogue cover in a glamorous frock. She sounded incredulous when I expressed surprise - like why Mum he cannot wear a dress just because he is a man? of course he can.

Now I wonder how she would react if her Dad turned up at a parent's evening in a dress. Something tells me that it would embarrass her to a great extent.

It is easier to be open-minded when it doesn't concern those close to you.

TheShellBeach · 25/01/2023 14:55

Being a boy in a dress is setting him up for bullying and ridicule.
Don't do this to your child.
I'm surprised you're even considering this.

Revengeofthepangolins · 25/01/2023 14:58

Once the big concern would be teasing. Now, you need to be aware that he may be enthusiastically swept up by the school's trans affirmation policies. Which may be fine with you, but think it through.

BendingSpoons · 25/01/2023 14:58

I am following your thread with interest. We have a 7yo girl and 4yo boy. DD questioned why I was giving away her pinafores and not keeping them for DS. She has pinafores and trousers. DS wears her sparkly hand me downs (and some of his own choosing). He has occasionally put one of DDs dresses on at home. He hasn't asked to wear dresses out the house and maybe never will. I feel like I did a great job telling DD she could wear whatever she wanted and now it's trickier!

FactsAreNotMean · 25/01/2023 14:59

My concern wouldn't be the other pupils or ridicule particularly - my worry would be how the staff would read it and whether they would push him towards social transition.

ScrollingLeaves · 25/01/2023 15:02

What has your DD’s son been teaching on PSHE? What resources if any do they use? Which books?

elliejjtiny · 25/01/2023 15:03

My 8 year old son is very similar to yours and we have always taught him that colours/clothes/glitter etc is for everyone but that he will always be male. I would casually steer him towards appropriate clothes for the activity or weather though. I've often said to him not to wear hair clips outside in case they get lost or no tights at school on pe day, so you could say it's too cold for a dress today etc.

ScrollingLeaves · 25/01/2023 15:03

Sorry that was the automatic spelling. What has your son’s school been teaching?

JacquelinePot · 25/01/2023 15:06

My only worry with him wearing a dress would be an activist-teacher taking it upon their self to indoctrinate my son and set the wheels in motion towards childhood transition. Sorry, no advice, so that's not much help.

maddy68 · 25/01/2023 15:07

Just say it's not appropriate for school. It's too cold for tights

MalagaNights · 25/01/2023 15:08

It's important to make children aware of the norms and expectations in society. That doesn't mean you have to make them follow all of them, but at certain times in certain situations they will have to follow them or will choose to, or you will choose it on their behalf.

The nonsense idea that we can suddenly tell young children norms are just irrelevant and they can throw them out to be their true selves is partly what's led to the extremist individualistic Trans movement of be whoever you want, don't be hemmed in by norms, language or even biology.

Young children shouldn't be used to try to change norms, norms will change gradually over time. Children should be socialised to understand the norms of their society and then as they get older they should question and challenge them to work out how they'll live their lives as adults.

Our norm is that boys don't wear dresses at schools. Liking dresses, dressing up, all understandable but parents should be confident to be the adults who say: No. Where we live boys don't wear dresses to school so you can't.

Itisbetter · 25/01/2023 15:10

It’s easy, you just say “no” and he continues to wear the uniform he already owns.

Grammarnut · 25/01/2023 15:10

Johnnysgirl · 25/01/2023 14:50

Where are these kids getting the idea that they can wear the girls version of the uniform if they so choose? It's a relatively recent thing, isn't it?
Just tell him he doesn't get to choose, any more than he gets to choose whether to wear uniform or not.

That's a good question considering the gender ideology capture in Scotland. OP needs to check what the school is teaching.

Wiccan · 25/01/2023 15:16

I agree @JacquelinePot there are activist teachers out there ringing their hands just waiting for kids like this . Please do not put your child in a position where they will be mocked by other kids & parents .

ittakes2 · 25/01/2023 15:17

You have not said why he wants to wear a dress to school. Do you know why?

Isanyholeagoal · 25/01/2023 15:17

The world has gone mad. Whatever happened to just saying NO to your kids. Why does everyone seem to be pandering to this nonsense these days

SantaCarlaCalifornia · 25/01/2023 15:19

I would say no. The boys wear X and the girls wear Y. Sometimes we have to wear stuff we don't like, that's part of life. Just don't make a big deal about it.

midgetastic · 25/01/2023 15:19

Tricky though

Actually saying boys can't wear dresses is nonsense
It's a social convention that has little to justify it and lots of reasons to deprecate it

However yes disobey the social rules and you can expect bullying until the rules get broken down
Which is possibly an action more suited to an older teen / adult than a smaller child
?

Nimbostratus100 · 25/01/2023 15:21

Just tell him trousers are for doing a wee the boy way and skirts are easier for doing a wee the girl way, so thats why girls are more likely to wear skirts and dresses to school

Grammarnut · 25/01/2023 15:21

BendingSpoons · 25/01/2023 14:58

I am following your thread with interest. We have a 7yo girl and 4yo boy. DD questioned why I was giving away her pinafores and not keeping them for DS. She has pinafores and trousers. DS wears her sparkly hand me downs (and some of his own choosing). He has occasionally put one of DDs dresses on at home. He hasn't asked to wear dresses out the house and maybe never will. I feel like I did a great job telling DD she could wear whatever she wanted and now it's trickier!

You could try telling DD the social truth: boys do not wear pinafores. Sexist, I know, but it saves a lot of hassle. My DCs are grown up, one with children. It would never have occurred to me or exDH to have girls' dressing up things for our DS. He went to ballet lessons (a friend ridiculed him, which was a huge pity and I was so angry) and had girls' toys as well as boys'. Helped, perhaps, that exDH's cultural clothes were not so trousers = boys, skirts = girls as European fashions are now.

Sleepwalkingintothewall · 25/01/2023 15:22

Why does he want to? Does he realise that polyester pinafores and scratchy tights are actually awful? A pita for PE changing, cold, uncomfortable. I wish schools would just have a rule that uniform is joggers and a t shirt and then shorts for summer.