Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

[Moomoola]

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

😂

Oooh, that’s nice.

I learned in Finland that mozzarella is sometimes called Moomin meat and my life hasn't been the same since

Well guess what I was going to be having for lunch until a few seconds ago 🤣

oh no, didn’t read this in time, I’ve just eaten moomin bagel!

Never. Eating. Pizza. Again.

JFC I just bought pizza.

I knew I loved Moomins 😋

Ha! Genius!

Me again. After the moominflesh revelation 😂😂
Thanks again all! We got through DDs 18th with sliced moomins aplenty.yum!
DH said amy card would be misinterpreted soafter all your suggestions! I sent a simple text. ( I looked in Pandora and got too sad!)
DD texted! saying she’d enjoyed her birthday night out! She’s vanished again but that’s what 18 yr olds do. So, hooray!
Vent coming up! No need to read, just me decompressing.

went to see family therapist.
DH is trying to convince them that X and mum are A glitter family, and they are trying to convince us that we don’t accept DD is trans/has her reasons. Of course they don’t just say what these reasons actually are - because of confidentiality, so we are locked in this obtuse cul de sac Where DH tries to explain his POV, and he gets all tangled up in the bigger trans ideology and they circle around saying,‘I hear you’, ‘what does it feel like to have a trans daughter’ and No one gets anywhere except irritated, and I just sat twiddling a hanky and sniffling pathetically. When the therapist wasn’t looking, DH snatched my twiddled hanky away with a fierce look. I’d just got it into a particularly good spiral as well. I don’t know what I feel about that. Surprised and a bit psd off actually.
I’m actually exhausted with all of them, therapists saying they don’t think DD will take testosterone, it’s 2 years in NHS etc etc. HOW do they know she won’t, and NO ITS NOT. I can have it delivered tomorrow ffs. and DH telling me to get angry and passionate. It has the effect of making me go all confused and pathetic. Great!
Now Hes done the morning rant, and stomped off to work.
And I’m tired of me.
Grrr.

Hi Moo

I’ve been following since the beginning of the thread. I’m so sorry that you’re being put through this. The teen pulling away thing is so normal but the added stress of worrying about medical intervention ramps it up.

The therapist really doesn’t sound helpful - with them asking how if feels to have a ‘trans daughter’ sounds a bit too accepting of gender identity ideology.

I know Genspect originally started through working with parents - maybe they can point you in the direction of more helpful therapy.

I also read the PITT substack and the expectation that parents should just get on with acceptance with no support.

How does it feel? I would imagine terrifying, sickening, soul destroying…If you said this to the therapist how do you think they’d respond?

If they are making you feel guilty for not accepting your ‘trans child’ and not hearing or acknowledging your pain then don’t go back.

I was typing another message but I lost it. Re dh angry and passionate sound like his feelings. You sound as though you are depressed and despondent and powerless.

These are both normal responses to something that is out of your control. Neither will make a difference to the situation though. Therapy needs to help you with your feelings, both you and your dh. They won’t be able to tell you what to do about your daughter though.

Another substack that might help is the Stoic Mum one - I heard her interviewed by Sasha & Stella a while ago. She comes from a position of trying to accept what she can’t change - when I heard her I thought you’re crazy, you can’t just accept it! But maybe there’ll be something on there that will help with how you’re feeling.

My dd is 11 my heart goes out to you from one mum to another. I haven’t gone through what you’re going through so I’m sorry if my thoughts aren’t helpful. Sending virtual hugs.

fwiw I worked with foster carers for many years and sometimes long term placements would break down around the teenage years when the kids went off the rails then in mid 20s when brain development finished they’d come and apologise.

I probably put my own parents through it - I didn’t get on with my Dad and left home at 18 (as soon as I’d finished my exams) without telling them. I didn’t tell my younger siblings either . Teenagers can be quite selfish and blinkered.

Thank you so much friend of joanneAnd for reading the whole messy thread. That’s amazing.
I’ll look in genspect.
we went there as DD goes there (to see someone else) but yes, we suspect they are affirming. And yes, it feels that parents should just get on with acceptance with no support. - or we are transphobic. That’s why it’s confusing! Sure she wants to be like a boy, no problem. It’s all the other stuff that’s the problem. That’s not transphobic!

Thank you for saying it’s normal responses. I was beginning to panic that I’m losing the plot.
I’ll listen to stoic mum, thanks!
and yes, your thoughts are useful! Especially as you’ve been through it from the other side so to speak.
hugs to your 11 year old. Keep her away from all this!

DH is trying to convince them that X and mum are A glitter family, and they are trying to convince us that we don’t accept DD is trans/has her reasons.

I'm sure DD does have her reasons, though her reasons might not be ones that look sensible to an adult. They may be based on feelings and you can't really argue with feelings (though maybe your DH would try!) Anyway the therapist sounds a bit ignorant if they've never even heard of GenderGP or GenderCare (DC uses GenderGP and one of their friends uses GenderCare)

When the therapist wasn’t looking, DH snatched my twiddled hanky away with a fierce look.

Ouch. No wonder you feel terrible.

Agree with pp that your response is normal, and yes DH's feelings of anger are normal but the way he went for you behind the therapist's back - that's a step beyond normal for me. There's something calculated about holding it in til the therapist wasn't looking.

And I’m tired of me.

Can you find some therapy or counselling just for yourself and by yourself? You need support from someone who listens to you. Not just you listening while other people argue with each other across you!

(Too late for the birthday, but just in case it’s useful there are many companies which will send boxes of brownies/cupcakes etc in the post, if you ever feel like she needs a gesture)

Thanks mum I’m so sorry, banging on about me me me, when of course there are so many people in the same boat - being a lot more calm and mature I might add! I hope you are doing ok. Feel free to vent! 💐
yes, the hanky thing struck me as odd. But I was being a bit wet tbf. Was just soooo fed up. I’ve called 4, counsellors, all booked solid. Thank goodness for you guys.
Also you don’t get counsellors coming up with good ideas like postal cupcakes! Thanks crumpet
🍰🌸🍰🌸to everyone , you really are the best.

Your husband is being so frustrating, even with the escape of outside work and the friends it brings, he's still being a frustrated ape who can't see past his own immediate feelings. No sense of strategy, no guile, no patience.

I think you're doing fine, you're waiting it out without making her dig her heels in, unlike some people.

Hi Moomoola, was wondering how you’re doing
🍰☕️ just for you - I wish I could post them for real!!
Hope you had a good time with ds over the bank holiday

Yum! Ta! And backatcha.🍰🧁☕️
Poor old DH. He’s come in exhausted and gone straight to bed. He looks like death and spent last night dreaming DD was running into danger and he could never reach her. Sounds awful. I know I grumble about him, but, like everyone , he’s doing the best he can. He’s going through all this and really difficult work, and has another massive presentation to do. He was well grumpy with X and DD when he saw how upset I was yesterday. My turn to be cross at them for causing him this upset -just as we’d finally got on an even keel.
and now DD is turning down (imo) a good college to be on the campus X is going to. But you’re right, I guess we keep sending the odd picture of cats.

P.s.. good advice - what’s app your child with some cat memes and it will upset the algorithm and they’ll be sent less trans stuff and more cats, I was told.

That’s excellent advice - esp if you think your child is just getting into this - bombard their social media with other stuff you know they’ll love. Play the algorithm!

Hello again! More help needed!
daughter now completely ignoring us. Don’t get it - chatty text on her birthday, now we are blanked. but has sent son a text inviting him out at the weekend.
id love them to be friends, even if she dislikes us, but I’m concerned at her motives.
son told me while I was driving him to school.
he said, she’s 18 wouldn’t she move out anyway?
i said, of course, but I’m upset at the way she did it nd how she doesn’t visit or see us now.
I’m afraid I may have been a bit incoherent, trying to explain that the trans community, even childline and primark are encouraging kids to go no contact.
I said I’d always love her, happy for you two to have a relationship then admitted I was a bit hurt and bewildered.
he just looked blank, like 15 yr olds do.
im so scared of losing him. I don’t think he’ll fall for the trans thing, but don’t know how to handle an attempt to pit him against us, which is what I fear. He’s been through enough already.
how do I handle this? I can’t not let him go.
im soooo tempted to wait till she leaves the cafe I believe she works in and say enoughs enough.

also from Pitt su stack, it seems it’s another cliche to wait till a week before your 18th to announce that you are/ will be taking testosterone

Hi Moo, been thinking of you. I do understand the feeling helpless and wishing we could just shake them out of it.

I don’t think he’ll fall for the trans thing, but don’t know how to handle an attempt to pit him against us, which is what I fear.

I think you're right to try to protect DS from the tension between you and DD. I wouldn't even try to give him the bigger picture about trans. I think you did right, making it clear that sometimes DD doesn't agree with you and DH especially about trans stuff and she doesn't always want to talk to you, and you're upset about that but it is up to her and you love her anyway; and that you are very happy that he and DD are still getting together.

It's going to very difficult if he feels squashed in the middle between you and DD. I absolutely understand your fears about him going the same way but this may be a "less is more" situation.

im soooo tempted to wait till she leaves the cafe I believe she works in and say enoughs enough.

I do see the temptation but you can't stop her doing what she does, and you can't stop DS seeing her. So what would it mean? Does it mean you want to cut off from her altogether - but then why go and see her?

How's the rest of life going - are you getting back to work?