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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

990 replies

Moomoola · 11/01/2023 08:15

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

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Thread gallery
38
Moomoola · 12/05/2023 08:09

So..actually the answer is, f. Nose. I’m so confused about EVERYTHING!

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Moomoola · 12/05/2023 08:18

Hugs to everyone, esp. parents in Scotland with new puberty blocker guides.

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BreadInCaptivity · 12/05/2023 22:31

@Moomoola

I am not sure if you are aware of this substack, but I’ve created a thread that may be of interest to you.

@strugglingteenmum

I've created a thread signposting to a resource you may find helpful.

PITT: Parents with Inconvenient Truths about Trans http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4804899-pitt-parents-with-inconvenient-truths-about-trans

PITT: Parents with Inconvenient Truths about Trans | Mumsnet

I couldn't find a thread with reference to this resource. I've linked below to the particularly powerful testimony of one parent whose daug...

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4804899-pitt-parents-with-inconvenient-truths-about-trans

Redbird87 · 13/05/2023 02:41

@Moomoola I'm sorry you guys are being played, it reminds me of when you're in middle school and watching the mean girls manipulate situations.

I had a weird idea just now. Was gonna offer some advice for just dealing with stuff, bc as an extremely fussy, high-maintenance person it's one of the only things I can offer lol. But it occurred to me, she's had anxiety before, right? What if, despite everything going on right now, you ask how she'd cope through an anxiety attack? She might have some insight from experience, it could help some of the awful feelings you're having, and offering wisdom from a place of experience might be good for her.

Idk if that makes sense, but hope it does. In my culture, living through things, having a special wisdom that can't be taught, only learned, is an important part of becoming an adult. DD is being a butthole, but it might be good for her to learn that she can help you, an adult, in some way.

Delphinium20 · 13/05/2023 06:41

but it might be good for her to learn that she can help you, an adult, in some way.

Red is very wise.

I have seen this with my own DD18. I was struggling with a health condition and trying to do it all. DD is on her gap year and I didn't want to interfere w/ her plans, but when I finally decided to share with her how hard things have been for me, DD stepped up and kind of came to my rescue, ran errands for the weeks I was getting treatments, cooked for us and even planned a bday party (small) for her DGM. Honestly, I'd NEVER seen her acting so mature but she kicked it into gear when I said, "I need help."

MumOfYoungTransAdult · 15/05/2023 21:25

Hello @Moomoola , hope you're doing OK. Just wanted to say, if you want to go back to work more hours then go ahead and do it. More things than money are important, if going to work helps to keep your head straight then that's worth a million quid.

Moomoola · 16/05/2023 11:45

Thank you bread I’m aware of that sub stack - it’s a life saver - like you guys all are. This is also good - from a detransitioner, the link is here https://pitt.substack.com/p/back-from-the-other-side. They’ve written..

When any tragedy hits a child, parents are usually surrounded by family members, friends, medical team, social groups and institutions that provide help navigating this difficult journey. But when you are the common-sensical parent who is not jumping on the trans band wagon, who is not buying the trans narrative, who asks the right questions, exposes the inconvenient facts and urges caution regarding gender affirming practices of all kinds (or should I say more accurately mental illness affirming), you become the villain of the story. And those very folks and institutions that used to be there for you now label you as an intolerant hateful bigot who wants their kid to die. As a result, you get socially ostracized and alienated from your own kid.
yup. Also by your woke mates.
and this, by Helen joyce…

The specific people who are going to be most angry are those who have made irrevocable choices on the basis that the rest of us would go along with those choices. Most of all the parents who transitioned their own children, because if you transition your own child you are in effect making a promise to that child that the whole world is going to step in line for the entire rest of that child’s life, and now there’s people like me saying, actually that’s not going to happen. You can tell your boy that he’s your daughter if you like but he’s not going to be able to play in women’s sports, and I’m going to fight tooth and nail to get him out of women’s changing rooms as well. Those people are all in. They’ve bet the house. They bet their lives on an ideology that we’re now fighting back against. They’re going to fight to the death on this.”
and of course, this is who DD is living with.

what is a massive concern is that we went to the family therapist. He tells us we are overreacting and NHS queues are long. He didnt believe me that you can buy it online, that gender gp was a thing. I mean what?

it seems DD has been seeing someone at the same place running the LGBTQ project. How do we know she’s not being affirmed? They say not, but there’s also an LGBTQ club which I have concerns about - buried in the website is their link to LGBTyouth Scotland, who push this stuff everywhere with their ‘silver charter’ and dodgy puberty blocker and grooming side issues.
she’s being immersed in this stuff 24/7.

Last week the family therapist talked to DD on her own - they won’t say what she said, ffs. But apparently she’d like to take it slowly and she’s willing to talk to me. So of course DH is in bits. I am worried about his health - he won’t take time off, and has tons of work on, and this.
red and delp that is a great approach and I’ll use it if she does deign to talk.
mum thanks, that’s good advice. I don’t want to start and then let them down again. I’m also mucking up my One day a week job atm. I was too upset to go to a jolly/meeting, which didn’t go down too well. And barely scraped through the actual day. F nose how DH is managing. His friend said , oh what I do is difficult but nothing like what your DH does.’

i can’t believe this! DH has form for being anxious but every OTT prediction he has made is happening.

Back from the other side

Being the parent of a trans child of any age is probably the most dreadful and soul crushing experience a parent can go through. When any tragedy hits a child, parents are usually surrounded by family members, friends, medical team, social groups and i...

https://pitt.substack.com/p/back-from-the-other-side

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ScrollingLeaves · 16/05/2023 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MumOfYoungTransAdult · 16/05/2023 14:12

Dear FamilyTherapistOfMoomola,

GenderGP are very definitely available in the UK although they are based overseas. You can google them easily enough and see their service and price list for yourself, nicely laid out. They will even answer questions from family members (by agreement) at a cost of £60 per session.

GenderGP prescribe hormones to adults based on two online interviews and little else. They don't require a patient to have earlier contact with any other medical or psychological professionals, they operate on an "informed consent" basis and may go ahead with medical prescription if an adult tells them they have co-morbidities. Counselling is wholly optional and costs money, of course. They don't prescribe hormones without evidence of regular blood tests, available in the UK at a fee from a local clinic or else from a free NHS clinic.

You can see their pathway for yourself, it's on their website and they make no bones about it.

Kindly take your head out of your arse.

Love,

MumOfYoungTransAdult

Moomoola · 16/05/2023 14:37

F*k me, you're brilliant

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Moomoola · 16/05/2023 14:43

And ..re your post about the child trust fund cloglady due to my utter incompetence and forgetting to update address, it's worth 60 quid. Not going to be happy faces at the birthday party 🥳

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Moomoola · 16/05/2023 14:59

Oops therapist got it wrong . Apparently she said she wants space and dad is normal and I'm utterly transphobic due to the millions of things I've said about trans people and drag queens. Well yes, I don't like Ru Pauls make up. Too agressive. But I do like a bit of Paul o Grady. Or hinge and bracket ! I am that old ( just)

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Delphinium20 · 16/05/2023 15:25

Moomoola · 16/05/2023 14:59

Oops therapist got it wrong . Apparently she said she wants space and dad is normal and I'm utterly transphobic due to the millions of things I've said about trans people and drag queens. Well yes, I don't like Ru Pauls make up. Too agressive. But I do like a bit of Paul o Grady. Or hinge and bracket ! I am that old ( just)

Ohhhh...this makes me angry! Not at your DD, she's been gaslit, but at the misogynistic trans narrative peddled to our kids.

Moms/mums, WE are the baddies. WE are the awful ones. Why? Because we are women. Because being a mother is the most obvious physical symbol of the biological reality of being female (and this holds true for adoptive moms too cause society automatically ascribes ALL the care duties to the female parent and also all the blame when things go wrong).

Moomoola · 16/05/2023 15:50

Yup. Agree, totally. Nasty. Misogynistic. Deliberately wrenching open all the natural little cracks of rebellion etc.
Who knew I was transphobic? Maybe I'm 'unknown long term effects of testosterone on adolescent girlsphobic' I'm really cross at being labeled without a fair trial. But that's never happened..oh wait.

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Zebracat · 16/05/2023 17:25

How did the therapist get that so wrong? I wouldn’t go. Sounds like bollocks.

MumOfYoungTransAdult · 16/05/2023 17:40

What's the therapist and what's DD? DD may well be saying different things to different people on different days! She's switching between you and DH as the enemy, is that just divide and rule? I wouldn't take what she says too seriously.

due to my utter incompetence and forgetting to update address, it's worth 60 quid

Well every cloud has a silver lining!

Redbird87 · 16/05/2023 21:55

@Moomoola Big hugs to you. I know you probably feel helpless right now, but I'm sure most of us are kinda astonished by your strength. Keep holding on, keep researching, and keep taking time for yourself and your other loved ones when it gets too much.Thread tax <3

Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return
Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return
Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return
Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return
Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return
Moomoola · 17/05/2023 07:44

zebra at I think they get it wrong - but I also think as mum says- she's an expert at telling people what they want to hear.
Redbird that's very kind, and just what I need to hear! I also think the same about you all. I am full of quiet admiration for everyone struggling through these unchartered backwaters. How dare men be misogynistic to us? We should be revered as godlike given that we create life ffs!
Your pictures made me laugh and cheered me up a lot! Thank you. I especially like the man on the chair and the faces😍! Genius!

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wednesdaynamesep · 17/05/2023 08:23

I was reading back @Moomoola, to your DH saying you needed to be more passionate in therapy sessions. I'd take that on and unexpectedly offload:

  • worries about your DS
  • worries about your DH health
  • worries about DD
  • feeling trapped between all of them
  • feeling a weight of responsibility for success / failure from DHs expectations of what you should be doing etc
  • feeling like you're going to snap
  • upset by the unfair allegations DD is making
  • feeling invisible in all of this except when you're someone else's punching bag
  • etc

In other words, make it a session where you centre you and the others have to listen and take it on board.

They're all taking you for granted - feminist issue. And they shouldn't.

Personally, I'd also plan a trip somewhere...on your own. A nice hotel for a weekend where you do nothing but read, chill, walks, eat and sleep. I'd 'drop the rope on them all', to be honest, just for a bit. They need to pick it up. You aren't the family donkey. Or go visit someone who gives you joy.

I also think @HagoftheNorth is correct in you seeing kick-back from X and DH. By dropping the rope you're starving their relationship of the fuel it needs to keep burning. So they've got out the bellows and are doing what they need to to get it burning again. Just let them huff and puff on their own. Their drama, not yours.

Big hug. I can hear how exhausted you are in your posts.

wednesdaynamesep · 17/05/2023 08:24

Correction: X and DD (not DH)

ScrollingLeaves · 17/05/2023 11:46

Moomola I am listening right now 11.45 a.m to Radio 4 about someone whose daughter was captured by a cult. I thought you would be interested to hear it. I think your DH should listen too.

If you remember RedToothBrush said this is like a cult.

“Groups like Lighthouse encourage conflict within in families” I just heard this.

Jellycats4life · 17/05/2023 11:50

Yes @wednesdaynamesep 👏

It’s about time @Moomoola let rip about the mental load she is shouldering. Really let them have it.

HagoftheNorth · 18/05/2023 06:25

Good morning Moomoola

Strangely, I wouldn’t worry too much about what the therapist said - I wonder whether you got the report of what she actually said, followed by a report of what dd (having spoken to x) authorised them to say?

HagoftheNorth · 18/05/2023 06:26

Plus, as you’ve said, she’ll say different things on different days

sending hugs

Moomoola · 18/05/2023 08:36

Thank you all SO much.
Your kind support of the mental load is so helpful. Just for it to be acknowledged creates strength. Amazing! As you all know this is so isolating in RL- people you would normally turn to for help tell you black is white. Even, I’m now finding, some mates . So thank you so much. If I can help anyone back, I’d be delighted.

More early morning bombardment off DH. I haven’t found the balance of dealing with His frustration. It’s constant. To not let it affect me, I sort of close down, but a bit too much, then I can’t think/ act clearly and doubt myself, which of course irritates him, that I’m not all posy Parker. I would be , if I thought it wouldnt as you say, hag and wed, add fuel. Sexmatters (or genspect ) says that because they are confused, they need to be angry, otherwise the doubts need to be acknowledged- which seems true of the trans movement as a whole.
So yes, scrolling and redtoothbrush it is definitely a very clever cult, designed to destru families, and DD is slap bang in the middle - affirmed at school, went to CAHMS, lives with testosterone taking family.
I WILL let rip with the counsellor, and I’m going to say, In the delightful words of mum ‘get your head out of your arse.’
I think hag that yes X will have primed DD, and will know exactly how to play the therapists.
scrolling ( what on earth did you write that merited deleting?!) thank you for that. I’ve read about lighthouse and will listen to radio later.

im googling why the trans movement as a whole wants to destabilise families and not getting anywhere. I imagine it’s just generic power? And if the person is isolated they are easier to control - as in domestic abuse. But why? My stonewalled mate wanted to know and I couldn’t coherently say.
hag and wdnesday thanks for this.. ‘Just let them huff and puff on their own. Their drama, not yours.’
you are right. I found myself texting DD and justifying why I’m not transphobic…but there is no point. So I texted that ‘you are trans, it never has and never will be a problem. I love you’. I hope that defuses anything. And now, I’m letting go of the old rope, and focussing on me! Let’s get that housework done! 😂 and, to everyone, 💐🍰❤️

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