Dd ran away to be with trans lover and refuses to return

[Moomoola]

Hi, I was posting in the teens section and got some good ad vice and a suggestion that I post here.
here’s a link to that thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4699011-sil-cancelled-visit-as-our-dd-wants-to-be-a-man?page=1
im using ‘dd’and ‘she’ to keep things simple.
basically dd at 15 decided she was trans and I took her to get some boys clothes and didn’t pay it enough attention. To my naive mind it’s not (or wasn’t ) an issue.
Shes now 17 and started to date a girl ( x) who is 17, who’s parents paid for male hormones since 15. That was some concern as obv. X will have been through a lot. Dd mentioned that x has some mental struggles, the mum hides vodka. Dd is pretty naive, has had a few challenges and can be gullible.
in the last 3 months dd was clearly struggling.
just befor Xmas I made her a cuppa and she had vanished. We tracked her down to x house which she refused to leave. It was ibvioly coordinated as there was a lot of phone alerts and the dad had obviously come to collect her.
I asked the mum to send her back as it was Xmas day and we were concerned. I get a text back from dd saying the mum doesn’t want to be involved and why did I deadname her.
The mum obviously didn’t need to show the text to dd. There are other red flags that the mum is stirring. We got texts from dd saying we are abusive transphobes. If we try and talk rationally that’s conversion therapy. We are concerned that dd is being encouraged to write these. The grammar is sometimes too good to be dds. Any ‘friendly’ texts seem to be late at night. Though I may be overthinking that.
live managed to see dd twice so at least we are talking, but it’s as if dd is hardening herself from us. She has decided to live with x and her mum and is in love and considering top surgery as she has dysmorphia. At least she is still going to school.
we registered it with the police who said this is happening a lot and it’s a pattern.
we are not concerned about the trans thing as such, though obviously that’s part of it, we are very concerned that since dating x, a seemingly happy dd got increasingly depressed and convinced we were transphobic to the point that she had to run to xs house where she feels supported, and we feel she is being love bombed, isolated from us and coerced into thinking she also needs hormones etc.
we are getting nowhere. I seem to be living in a dystopian world where everyone has fake smiles and suggests we call her by her new name and everything will be marvellous.
live contacted Bayswater group, and I’m posting here as suggested by a pp in case anyone can suggest anything else I can do. For dd but also Dh and ds. Dh obviously distraught the more he reads and ds is spending more and more time alone on his phone.
Many thanks.

Thanks delphinium you are lovely.

Moomoola · Today 21:49
Good idea! Am desperately looking for somewhere to take DS too. I’ve got such a blank brain!

What about riding?

Thanks! I hadn’t thought of that, I’ll give it a go. I’d like to, even if he doesn’t!

massive row this morning. DH is angry about the parents and stonewall as soon as he wakes. I can’t cope at that time!
zAsked him for ideas to entertain DS he said,’god if I had half the problems you’ve got’ I ( stupidly) said something about having given up work and he sarcastically said,’oh , less than a week. OK go back to work and lose your daughter’. I apologised, he stomped off to work.

I know he’s under massive pressure at work, and has started working on weekends again, and going to bed about 7. DS vanishes upstairs as soon as we’ve eaten. DH exhausted and grumpy. I don’t know why but I’m feeling a bit..twisted inside. I think I feel guilty because I don’t know what to do with DS. He shows no interest in anything except computers. that can’t be healthy. Or much fun.

on the very plus side I got another text off DD! She is so excited about the concert. In a funny way I’m pleased she is having adventures and learning stuff. Im really really pleased she feels she can text.
less happy that she’s seeing CAHMS and have read somewhere that they are stonewalled too.
sorry for the ramble.

happy valentines!

It is so good that she communicated her excitement. I know myself that if I have lost trust in someone close to me, even if I am trying to keep things pleasant, I do not allow myself to let them know about anything really special to me. I keep it to myself to keep it ‘safe’. So this means she is instinctively trusting you! Whatever you are doing keep it up.

Look after yourself. Make sure you don’t get tired or hungry so when you see her or text you don’t lose your pre-frontal cortex impulse control.

I friend of mine loved riding with her son, going for some lessons together. He was a bit older than your DS, but it shows it can be lovely. Horses are supposed to have a special connecting and earthing effect, which is such an important antidote to the computer.

Poor you with your DH. Perhaps the therapy will help over time.

Sorry, about the impulse control- I meant blurting out your desperation in a way that might be counter productive by mistake.

Would your DS find somewhere like Bletchley Park interesting?
Depending on where you live - the RAF museum at Hendon is pretty impressive.
Escape rooms, VR places, gaming arcades?

I find it hard to read your thread because I think your husband's behaviour is so unacceptable and it's a bit of a trigger for me - not from my husband, but from my father who was also anxious, intense, angry, absent. And who was very needy himself and competed with his children for my mother's attention.

I do sympathise with you and with your son. I can absolutely understand why your son is hiding away. A trip away for you with DS might be refreshing for both of you - and I can second the recommendation for Bletchley Park and also for the computing museum next door!

Your husband's attitude to his son is unacceptable. He is a father. His son needs him and he has a duty towards both his children which he cannot dump on you while he runs off to work and obsesses about DD. At least my father was open to family therapy and was willing to understand his own role in the problems that my family had, and to remedy at least some of them.

Forgive me, I'm sorry if that's not helpful. I do feel for you

MumOfYoungTransAdult · Today 10:50

I do agree with Mum about your DS.

I think he may be using his computer to blank out and dissociate his mind from all the worries and this is unhealthy.

How lovely if you could get away together.

The way your DH is speaking to you is simply unacceptable.

I totally understand that he is tired, stressed, under pressure and just wants things to come right; HOWEVER, just because there is a reason he's speaking to you this way, does not mean it's actually ok. "If I had half the problems you've got", err, does he think it's just HIM who is worried about your DD?? And then to say go back to work and lose your daughter . I'm sorry, unacceptable, nasty, inconsiderate and arrogant. He is taking your support and presence for granted.

Sorry for that rant, I don't want to pile more negativity onto you - I just really strongly feel your DH needs to take more responsibility for how he's dealing with his stress. It's not ok to lash out at you like this.

Thanks. I love the riding idea, and Bletchley park sounds just the thing - but of course we are MILES away!
I’ve just had an hor with a counsellor who basically staid what you have all said- communicate and love unconditionally. It’s up to her and I can offer help if she asks.
he also suggested ( as tattygrl and mum and pps) DH may be trying to control me as he can’t control other areas like work or DD. Great.
he suggested DH needs to want to go to family therapy and DS would probably say nothing and it may be weird for him, listening/talking in front of parents, he’d probably stay quiet. He may be better off with solo therapy.
when can I open the gin?

Whatever you think, your son knows he is male. The only way to get him back is to accept him as he is, no matter how much it goes against your gender critical beliefs. You don't have to change your mind, just agree to use his pronouns and call him by the name he has chosen and agree not to press your views on him.

Bollox.
This teen is female, stop gaslighting a mother on her own support thread.

Try reading Transgender Trend. There are dozens of parents in your shoes.

I’m a middle aged lesbian who thinks being a butch lesbian is better than taking T, having breasts removed, and slamming doors so shut so young. T has serious long term side effects and consequences.

I was married to a trans man, and was partnered with a partially detransitioned trans man. 95% of parents would be happy and accepting of a butch daughter. Young persons in this situation need support and love, not blind acceptance.

Stop gaslighting. You have no clue what you're talking about.

Counterintuitively, two kittens or an adult bonded pair of cats are less trouble. They entertain each other, and eat little more than one solitary cat.

This is a support thread. How dare you post this!

Not one person on this earth has changed sex. Not one. That teenager is female. And your post is gaslighting.

No I don't believe this is true.

They believe they want to be treated a certain way. And they dislike their body.

That doesn't mean they, deep down, think they are actually male.

How can a female be a male?!?! FFs.

If you claim someone female is male, not sure how anyone could trust anything you say. Stop proselytizing your religion and leave the OP alone.

The I approach I suggest with gay and transgender teenagers is frequently the only way not to alienate them. Obviously you have your deeply held religious beliefs, but telling your son that their sexuality or gender is not valid will not bring them back to you.

It is not religious belief that a person cannot change sex.

Again, this is gaslighting.

Stop it. You haven't understood anything in this thread. I don't think you've even read it. You've just come on here to taunt and gaslight an anxious mother.

@DadJoke you don't even understand what you're saying. "Whatever you think, your son knows he is male"

Male isn't a gender, it's a sex. Male is a word with a fixed meaning from biology. Someone can't identify into being a different sex, that's not possible. So you're flast wrong in your first sentence of your first post, well done. Clap clap.

The OPs daughter is questioning her gender identity. This is a common enough thing for a young female to do when presented with the giant ball of fucking terrible that comprises gender stereotypes and sex-based oppression.

People telling her that she can be male is a huge part of the problem. It doesn't help a young person one bit to tell them they are or can be the opposite sex. It might even lead them down a irreversible path that ends in lifelong medical dependency and loss of fertility.

And by the way this is a support thread. Wind your bloody neck in and have some sensitivity to the OPs situation. Or do one. Please pick an option.

Hi ericaquites you did make me laugh, I read your first post thinking wow, you do know a lot about this, and having all sorts of serious type questions and then you popped up with the two cats post. 😀that made me smile!

Thanks everyone for the supporting comments. dadjoke thanks, I will use her new name for now. She’s obviously a girl sex wise, and I’m not at all sure she thinks she is a boy.

What I think she is, is a person who doesn’t like the whole straight hair, mini skirted girly girl cliche, who has problems and is being influenced by a very authoritarian ideology, which polarises views and tells vulnerable people who very naturally question their sexual identity that trans size fits all and any doubts they may have about being trans makes them transphobic. I’m sure you can see the brain twists that can cause! It’s apparantly a technique used in the war to convince American soldiers to embrace their captors views.

I also believe that there are more than a few narcissistic figure heads who are very cleverly and persuasively convincing people that their support network is transphobic and that they should leave and be supported elsewhere, often with no clear thinking or opportunity to discuss it with the people who love them.
it leaves people like my daughter very vulnerable and causes massive unnecessary distress amongst family units.

An ideology that claims to be inclusive should surely be inclusive and that means including people with gender critical thinking. Or deeply held religious beliefs. Or families that love their child.

Sorry dadjoke bit of a rant there. It’s not at you, but at some aspects of the trans movement that I find disturbing in it’s fundamentalism.

Ps attached the film, to say thanks camillerose it’s worth a watch.