Can I be forced to use pronouns?

[nationallampoons]

Hi all.

I work in hospitality and my company have recently taken on some new recruits.

One is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns but is considering she/her pronouns. He was born male. He looks male. He had the same uniform as you would expect, neon hair, piercings, multiple badges on his uniform stating his pronouns, he's vegan, free Palestine, f Boris etc.. (I'm not against freeing Palestine or vegans) but you can imagine the type. Everyone's a "facist" etc.. it's draining at times.

Here is my problem, I don't want to use they/them pronouns. It feels unnatural when talking and I struggle with it anyway. I just don't want to do it, I don't care if that makes me rude. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being moaned at for misgendering. He just doesn't shut up about it.

Now he's saying he believes he may be a woman and is asking questions about "women hood" and all that bs, I've told him I'm not comfortable talking to him about it and I was called a boomer, a Karen and a gammon?? He is considering changing his pronouns in the new year.

Here is my question. Legally, can I be forced to use his preferred pronouns? Not arsed about losing my job, but I don't want to get into any criminal trouble

I just want to go to work, earn my living and go home. I don't have the time or energy or willingness to go along with this bullshit

@nationallampoons as an HR professional you may not like some of my views.

In the workplace employees have a right to be treated with dignity and respect, this is particularly important in relation to the 9 protected characteristics.

Using someone’s preferred pro nouns in work is a reasonable request and using he/him could be seen as disrespectful or discriminatory. Using their name or you, they, them etc. are pragmatic alternatives.

However, the alternative is also true that using derogatory terms such as boomer (ageist) Karen (misogynistic) , Gammon (no idea) towards you is disrespectful and potentially discriminatory.

What they cannot do is impose their preferred language on others for example, someone can say “As a Cis woman I …” but they should not be calling you a “Cis woman” when you have clearly stated you find the pro noun offensive.

As pp have said keep a record of all the insults, try to use language you feel comfortable with e.g name or you rather than he/him. When he starts name calling state please do not use that offensive language it is disrespectful to me. If it continues make a formal complaint, HR has to manage risk and one employee being polite vs one who is using unacceptable language they should at least curtail the unacceptable language.

Ask your manager to look up company policies about treating colleagues with dignity and respect and possibly run a refresher training session. If it’s for the whole team it won’t be seen as singling out one person.

I'll be changing my user name later on or tomorrow in case my threads found because it could be outing, and I don't want my colleagues seeing what I put on forums

@Princessglittery thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

I think I will just use his name and report all name calling via email with times and dates from now on

@nationallampoons very sensible.

@Princessglittery he's never called me cis. He's only ever called me a woman, I've never even heard him use that expression when describing others

Good for you

This lot will lap it up because you've used all the clichés

Enjoy your thread

Do they have a name? Try using that

Also have a word to your manager about the offensive language that they are using. Just because they do not know who they are does not mean they can be a rude prick.

Agreed. Keep a journal of everything. I'm lucky enough to no longer be in the workplace but I wouldn't be able to tolerate this. People are entitled to their opinions, but their is nothing worse than being preached at constantly and insulted because you don't want to listen to it. I would also be looking for another job/transfer to a different department.

How would he know what pronouns you’re using when you talk about him? People don’t usually call people he/she/they to their faces.
He sounds like one of those people whose mission is to push this stuff and get people who don’t obey into trouble.

This. And your local paper might be interested.
Use your preferred pronouns ie normal English grammar.
Plus do make a complaint to HR about this co-worker. He has been rude, and he has overstepped boundaries. Also, if it's not company policy to mangle English grammar, he is attempting to bully you and everyone else into complying with his wishes.

You will not be committing a criminal offence. You may be in breach of company policy but a policy mandating wrong pronoun use might itself fall foul of the Equality Act.
Perhaps you are thinking of non-crime hate incidents? These are not crimes but police keep a record of them despite judicial rulings saying they should not be used for this kind of thing.

And I really get the perimenopausal can't-be-arsed-with-it-all feeling!

Here is my problem, I don't want to use they/them pronouns.

It just causes so much confusion for no good reason, to speak about a single known person as 'they'. Language should be about accuracy - not deliberately muddying the waters.

When you speak directly to this person, you will only need to use you/your anyway. He will have no idea how you refer to him when he’s not there. I’d use their name as much as possible.

I wouldn't count on that. People like that frequently seek out their 'allies' and will get them to report back - some may even deliberately have them 'trap' you by asking a seemingly-innocuous question about them with the agenda of getting you to 'misgender' them.

he called me a Tory because I said I don't labour. I don't like any of them

This is actually unintentionally hilariously absurd: the fact that political opinion and affiliation, of which there is very much a complete wide spectrum, is assumed to be binary; whereas sex - which, in English, determines which pronoun you use - of which there are only two, is seen as a great big spectrum which requires you to spend ages deliberating and trying to work out which one you are - when any stranger could almost certainly tell you instantly.

How come he is allowed to faux-deduce and say that, if you're not a Labour supporter, then you must be a Tory; but you know very well what the reaction would be if you said "Well, you're clearly not female, so you're obviously a man"?

Cis was just an example of how you can use a controversial word to describe yourself but not others.

I think I would insist on calling him by his name only. And never by male or female pronouns or even THEY.
He can have a female name if he wants, anyone can change their name, but I'm not into compelled speech and I don't play the pronoun game.

So, Jane is over there getting Jane's pen. Jane is finishing Jane's paperwork etc.

It might sound fucking mental but so what? This is the world they have created for themselves. The awkwardness would just show up the farce for what it is.
I refuse to use compelled pronouns that go against language and biology.
Not sorry.

I actually think you should do this - but tell them that yes you will use they / them and try your best to do so. It’s a compromise. But they don’t get to lecture you about stuff. Just tell them you’re there to work and you’re not interested.

OP, your first post here implies this colleague is wearing 'F* Boris' (does he not know Boris is no longer PM?), 'Free Palestine' etc.

These are totally out of place at work and I'm shocked that any management have allowed them to be worn.

Is that a way in for you to get him to realise his place? Good luck, however you approach this.

OP, your first post here implies this colleague is wearing 'F Boris' (does he not know Boris is no longer PM?), 'Free Palestine' etc.*
These are totally out of place at work and I'm shocked that any management have allowed them to be worn.

That's a very good point. If employees are allowed to wear badges proclaiming controversial personal opinions, what would be stopping you from wearing a couple of badges saying "There are only 2 sexes and your sex can never be changed" and "Gender is a feeling and belief, not fact" ?

If he needs to ask questions about being a woman then how the heck can he say he is one? Don’t engage with him (yes him) unless it’s work related and ignore him as much as possible.

I've told him I'm not comfortable talking to him about it and I was called a boomer, a Karen and a gammon

He's the one in breach of workplace behaviour: he's harassing/bullying you. I'd complain to your manager - or his.

@Princessglittery
I strongly disagree that insisting that others comply with a request to be referred to in a specific way is about wanting to be treated with dignity and respect. It's an expression of power. I'm not disputing that this is how HR departments see matters (you are the HR professional, not me), I'm just saying that it should not be. Why are this employee's wishes or dignity more important than his co-workers'? This is not being evenhanded. Compliance with his request should always be voluntary. Pronouns in the English language match the sex of the person (or animal) being referred to. He wants special treatment, not reasonable accommodations to enable him to do his job.

Can you raise this as a hygiene issue? Say all badges should be removed?

I would just his name.

“Tony can take this call”

“Can you give this to tony”

“That is Tony’s bag”

“Can you pass this to Tony”

you get my point. If you really think about it there are very few conversations you need to have which you have to say she / he etc.

Just use their name every single time.

I am GC and find this all absolute bollocks, if someone has a sex change and lives as the other sex then fine I would use her / him as they liked. Anyone else where they were changing their mind every other week I’d just use their name without any mention of a pronoun.

They do not want special treatment. They want their pronouns recognised correctly.

The key thing here is whether we are going to acknowledge that pronouns now include they / them as well as he / she. If we are going to do that as a society - which is what is happening now- then it’s not “special treatment” anymore than referring to someone as he / she. It’s a complete movement and acceptance of use of language.

Bol/locks

Hahahaha please do this 🤣 😂

Maybe. But that’s where we are now.