How to refuse to share pronouns verbally

[EthelbertaChickerel]

I'm going to a course tomorrow, and have just received an email from the course leader. This includes her pronouns, and I'm now concerned we will all be asked to share them verbally when the day starts.

If it is just writing them on badges, I will leave it blank, but I don't know how big the group is, and I am worried that if it is small, we will be asked to introduce ourselves and share pronouns. I'm fine with the introductions, just not with the pronouns.

What is the best, but most polite, way to shut this down? I have paid quite a lot of money for this day and want to get as much out of it as possible, but am not happy to compromise my principles.

TL:DR - I love the Mumsnet standard 'my pronouns are sex-based, like my oppression', and would be happy to put that in an email, but not sure about saying it.
Does anyone have any alternatives?

I would also feign total ignorance with a polite. “I’m sorry I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about.” Then they go through the whole spiel whereupon you laugh in total disbelief as surely this is the most ludicrous thing EVER and say “I’m happy for you to use ‘you’ or my name when you talk to me and ‘her ladyship’ when referring to me when I’m not there”

yes what this poster said above. do a kind of disbelieving or amazed chuckle and say something like well there has never yet been any mistake on that so i will pass thanks

Thinking about it I've no idea how I've got to be 40+ without telling others my pronouns.

How on earth have we all coped

👏👏👏👏

i am 57 and am almost disappointed to have never been asked,
OMG the young student union rep pics at the college where i have been doing a course,,,,,,they are devoted to it,,,
boys are she/her and girls are he/him,,,,,,and the really edgy ones are ;they them.... i gaze at the panel of photos in disbelief thinking wtaf, they have been captured so young,

Absolutely. This obsession with labelling from a generation who insist we're all fluid, don't label me, yadda yadda

I don’t perceive those who demand we refer to them using the third person plural pronoun as edgy… I perceive them as embarrassing themselves in a way which may be hard for them to live down if/when they grow up. Also in some cases as being deliberately awkward (or playing power games?) as was admitted in the article posted on a different thread suggesting that compelled speech is becoming passé due to it now being widely accepted.

Also it runs through my mind to wonder if they are trying to tell us that they are possessed by a legion of demons or that they are Borg or some such. 🤔

I have probably watched too much science fiction.

They haven't asked your pronouns? That's pretty ageist.

I know they think they are edgy but can you imagine pronoun people at a party?!

Just to update- thank you again for all your advice.

I had my grammar response all ready, but to my relief pronouns weren't mentioned!
It was a small, all-female group and I had a great day.

I am totally ready for any future pronoun occasions though!

OP glad it went well for you. I was thinking about your thread title, imagine the fun we would've had if you hadn't specified 'verbally'.

Might we have hoarded them, like our rights? Or is that only for the self-declared dinosaurs amongst us?

that's all great, until you get misgendered because you don't correspond to the "beholder's" idea of feminine looks or behaviour

that's all great, until you get misgendered because you don't correspond to the "beholder's" idea of feminine looks or behaviour

So what! Who cares what some sexist prick thinks!

Yes, @CatherinaJTV, and when that happens we disappear in a puff of smoke due to denial of our existence

Jogjakarta. It's a town in Central Java in Indonesia. (Pointless extra detail: I know how to pronounce it because I attempted to spent my gap yah near there in '97, but had to leave suddenly as there was a revolution.)

I am not at all bothered by being mis-sexed. It has never happened that I can recall. My identity doesn’t depend on the validation of strangers. I am not pretending to be something I am not. I am happy to let others perceive me as they will and I think it leads to more honest and genuine relationships and less fraught communication. Better that someone mistake me for a man than I go about demanding compelled speech and compelled perceptions from others.

Letting go of trying to control the perceptions of others would be a great boon to the mental health and resilience of people obsessed with receiving external validation for their identities. As would dropping the narcissistic focus on their identities in favour of other healthier pursuits.

Why, what happens?

I've been called 'Sir' before and what happened was I chuckled and went right on with my life.

I'm glad that nothing happened. It's possible they've just done it as a company and the woman either doesn't want to rock the boat or isn't aware of the issues.

I get 'misgendered' a lot as I work with people whose first language doesn't distinguish between he and she. I don't know how I cope, but strangely I seem to.

A kid once called me Dad, should I have been traumatised?

that's all great, until you get misgendered because you don't correspond to the "beholder's" idea of feminine looks or behaviour

My self (“identity” if you will, self-esteem, etc.), doesn’t depend on external “validation”, so I don’t mind being “misgendered”. Don’t you agree, @CatherinaJTV , that that’s a much healthier way to be rather than being psychologically preoccupied with what random other people think of oneself?

My husband sometimes "misgenders" me when he speaks English, because his first language is French where possessive pronouns are gendered according to the thing being possessed rather than the person doing the possessing. So sometimes he slips up and says "his" when talking about something that belongs to me.

Guess what?

I don't care.

If misgendering is the worst thing that happens to you then you clearly live a pretty privileged life.

If misgendering is the worst thing that happens to you then you clearly live a pretty privileged life.

Yup I don't care either. I've been mis-sexed, rather than gendered, quite a few times, all the time as a child as I was a tomboy, and still happens now and again as I'm tall with short hair, so sometimes from behind or if someone has poor eyesight. I couldn't give a toss. They generally apologise on closer inspection or when I talk, and that's fine.

Because I'm a woman, I know I am and I know the basis on which I'm a woman is my sexed body, which I live with 24/7 and understand. Not on just saying I am, pressuring or bullying other people to say I am, or on wearing some stereotyped clothing. Being "misgendered" doesn't threaten my sense of reality or self.

Excellent post, thank you. Particularly your final sentence.

‘that's all great, until you get misgendered because you don't correspond to the "beholder's" idea of feminine looks or behaviour’

What’s the actual harm, though? If you go out of your way to dress in a masculine way (and I don’t care if you do or what other people wear) and someone thinks you’re male as a result, how did they hurt you? It’s not even insulting, they just perceived something wrongly.