How to refuse to share pronouns verbally

[EthelbertaChickerel]

I'm going to a course tomorrow, and have just received an email from the course leader. This includes her pronouns, and I'm now concerned we will all be asked to share them verbally when the day starts.

If it is just writing them on badges, I will leave it blank, but I don't know how big the group is, and I am worried that if it is small, we will be asked to introduce ourselves and share pronouns. I'm fine with the introductions, just not with the pronouns.

What is the best, but most polite, way to shut this down? I have paid quite a lot of money for this day and want to get as much out of it as possible, but am not happy to compromise my principles.

TL:DR - I love the Mumsnet standard 'my pronouns are sex-based, like my oppression', and would be happy to put that in an email, but not sure about saying it.
Does anyone have any alternatives?

I'm preparing for this at work (I'm a surgeon).

I generally avoid it by just using first names.

The one time a patient insisted, I replied ok - Smith, my pronouns are Jon/Jonathan (names changed to protect anonymity)

Keep it really simple.

Just introduce yourself using your name. If pushed to declare pronouns just say no thanks / don’t care / just call me by my name. I think this acts as resistance enough and will give confidence to others who wish to follow suit.

If you are going to state yogyakarta principles, do it in an email in advance, not when you are sitting there and some poor unfortunate people have already felt forced to join in with it - that makes everyone awkward.

Similarly, if you said something along the lines of "I'm not comfortable discussing my pronouns," I would be more likely to assume you were hard work and kind of avoid you, more than if you said "she/her," in a not show-off-y way.

I've had the go round and it seems normal that one person just "forgets," and after them, nobody does it.

There are lots of excellent suggestions on this thread but I especially like this one.

OP, if you like the MN special "my pronouns are sex-based, like my oppression" for emails, then how about simply "my pronouns are sex-based" for any intros?

I agree with others though, not especially likely to be asked to declare them verbally.

God its difficult to resit a totally serious, sincere, ernest voiced 'my pronouns are wibble/wobble', looking round ernestly to the next person, small shy smile, like you do in new situations.

The trouble is trying to forget/omit doesn’t always work: the time I invoked Yogyakarta was exactly the clichéd example of a white, straight, middle class woman trying to prove her allyship by insisting on a declaration. Someone before me ‘forgot’ and she insisted they answered.

for me I have just said my name and smiled broadly and looked to the next person - if pushed (which I haven't been) I would say "I prefer not to" and leave it at that. No-one worth their salt chairing a session would begin a discussion at that point. If they do, then there are bigger issues afoot.

Oh actually I have done it twice and the second time the very woke organisation were falling over themselves to amend their forms so it was no longer mandatory!

I've been to a few meetings where we've been asked to share name, pronouns and job role. I generally just say my name and job role and I have noticed others do the same. They probably won't press you but you could just say you'd prefer not to say if you don't feel comfortable saying you don't agree with the ideology

I've been in a pronoun circle. Just state your name and then look at the next person expectedly.

In the unlikely circumstance that you are then challenged (never has happened yet) just state you do not wish to disclose, you could add that you would prefer to be referred to directly when present.

I've found that by the time it gets to me someone else (usually a bloke) hasn't bothered or been challenged.

Loads of good suggestions- thanks everyone.

I don't want to appear 'difficult' but do men ever worry about this? Probably not!

No idea what the sex balance of the participants will be, and am interested to see if there is any sex-disaggregated data shared, as it would be very relevant to the subject at hand.

My pronouns are what you would assume them to be.

Most of the time yes, but theres always the chance that someone will insist. And we are here to help in that one time.
Personally I'd go for just not giving any, if pressed depending on who is insisting
Yogyakarta principle 6 and leave them to Google, or explain if I think I need to
Highness/majesty
Big sigh and say why would I compel others to speak of me in a certain manner when I'm not there.
You what? Why would I decide pronouns for others to use? Is my name not good enough?

But I'm a feisty bugger and would lecture people on the bad side of compelling pronoun usage. Maybe not if I'd paid a ton of money.

I would try and breeze past it but if pressed I would say I find that subject too politically and socially polarised to be comfortable engaging with it in that setting. Difficult to respond to that as it’s true.

Just skip the pronouns bit when you are introducing yourself. If you are pressed/reminded then simply say "it's not OK to compel anyone to reveal information they don't choose to"

But I don't think you will be reminded. In my experience trainers who care about this issue will include their own pronouns when they introduce themselves in order to open up a space for anyone present who cares to be able to share pronouns without feeling awkward, but won't push it for anyone who doesn't want to.

I like the suggestion above of "I don't use pronouns". There is enough in those four words to shut things down whilst simultaneously making people wonder if you have a super-special top trumps identity which demands that other people avoid using any pronoun in relation to you.

I would just give your name and then look at the next person to show they should speak. If they insist I'd say I'd rather not. Realistically you've paid for this so don't worry about upsetting the trainer it's her job to make it go well

I was in a meeting the other week and about half the people introduced themselves according to the convention set by the host 'hi my name is xxxxxx she/her and I'm the 'job title'.'

The rest including me just said their name and job title. No one was questioned. If I'd have been asked if I wanted to share my pronouns I'd have just said No thank you.

I also deleted that bit off the email signature template and so have about 3/4s of the company from what I see.

While I love a lot of these responses, unless I was lucky enough to speak first, I think my nerves would be building as I awaited my turn. I both hate conflict AND being misunderstood.

I think I'd opt for the most basic truth so that I didn't disclose too much but equally didn't leave the conversation feeling violated (as I would if I "played along").

Something like "My name is Funnytalks and I don't mind what pronouns you use for me".

That way they can sit there pondering whether I'm excitingly fluid or an evil terf, whilst I get on with the course.

I wouldn't assume you'll need to do this just because someone has it in their email signature?

Plenty of people at my work have added it but it doesn't crop up outside of that. I doubt you will be asked, it will probably be up to people to state theirs if they feel the need.

I'm still angry from a course I went to a couple of weeks ago where the ice breaker was to get up from your desk and stand next to your pronoun (hand made paper signs).

I will never state my pronouns but reading this does make me wonder how the f**k this works in practise - big group meeting/training etc, everyone introduces themselves and their pronouns, there is no way on earth anyone can remember that John is ze/zem, Emma is win/won, Henry is they/them, Fiona is he/him and Andrew is he/him when it rains but she/her when it is not raining. Does everyone spend the rest of the day/week correcting each other/asking for reminders/getting offended/doing contortions to avoid using pronouns at all? It is ridiculous and we all need to just say 'no'.

I'd keep it very simple. Sex Matters has a Pronouns at Work guide with good responses for both meetings and directives on email signatures.

First 'forget' to say. If pressed, say with a smile 'No, thank you'. If pressed further, say blandly 'It's not a practice I follow' and look expectantly at the next person.

Just don't say them. If pressed, say you'd prefer not to. If she then asks how people should refer to you then, you've got the option of saying, "By my name" or "It's never been a problem before."

That's what I've done.

I prefer to keep it as low-key as possible in situations like this.