Are the wife and children really fine?

[DancingBarefootOnIce]

A man I used to be close friends with recently came out as a transwoman on Facebook. I was a bit surprised as when I knew them in their 20s they were just a typical man. They’re now mid 30s and married to a woman with three children.

Anyway in their post the second sentence was something along the lines of “Don’t worry my wife and children are fine”. I’ve seen it before in stories like this or when someone comes out as gay.
It’s almost like there’s going to be an accusation of homophobia or transphobia if they’re not alright with it. It just doesn’t feel right. If my partner or father came out with something like that it would change so many things in thinking about past relationships etc.

After reading the transwidow threads and other blogs/articles written by women and the adult children of these men I think its more likely that they are not ok in the slightest.
I agree with you that the pressure put on the families is huge and bullying with calls of them to "be kind" and accept this persons authentic self with threats off being labelled transphobic.

Maybe this woman's wife is bisexual or pansexual?

I think it depends what you mean by "not alright with it".

If you mean that her wife and children might be troubled by their exposure to societies transphobia (for instance being bullied at school for having a transgender mum) then that's a valid concern. The UK is home to some terrible transphobia.

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then that would be transphobic and should rightly be called out as such!

(And just to help prevent this being misinterpreted, I wouldn't consider it transphobic for a straight woman to want to end a romantic relationship with a trans woman who's recently found herself).

Congratulations to them all!

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then thatwouldbe transphobic and should rightly be called out as such

What would you class as bigoted?
The children refusing to call dad mum now?
Not using chosen pronouns?

It sounds like 'he doth protest too much' to me.

If they were fine, would he have mentioned it at all?

It wouldn't be ok with me. I'm heterosexual and fancy DH as a man. But I have a friend whose DP has recently come out as trans and she does say she's happy about it. She says DP is a happier person now so she's happy for them. I don't feel I can start telling her she's not really ok about it, or shouldn't be ok about it when she says she's fine. They have young kids who are apparently ok about it too, though I've not spoken to them myself.

Yeas, the wife and children are always fine. The wife especially as she has just had the rug pulled from underneath her marriage and is expected to not be anything but 100% supportive of the husband's transition.

They’re almost certainly not ok but as the good ship MEEEEEE sails on your friend either won’t notice or won’t care

The wife and three children are not fine. Your world shifting in its axis does not result in feeling 'fine'.

As for the don't criticise vibe, I've got two words. Stephanie Schofield.

I think it's complex. The trouble with the whole idea that people are magically 'all right' with it and that any reaction that isn't just splitting up but otherwise is smiley and fine is transphobic is denying that human emotions exist.

Life is messy. Emotions are messy. You try having your whole childhood/marriage revealed as a lie and see if you can magically 'be all right with it'. That doesn't mean you blame the trans/gay person but people can't switch off reactions to events that change their own life. Or at least they shouldn't have to.

Nice that he mentions them as an after thought in the last sentence. They might be absolutely thrilled with it but as Elaine illustrates they may also be absolutely unable to say anything whatsoever in case they are dragged through SM as filthy transphobic bigots. Read the TWidows threads and show me a single woman that hasn’t had their lives turned upside down, their voices taken away and been forced into a position they have absolutely no say in.

I have come to the conclusion that large numbers of people, probably the majority, would rather be in a mediocre or outright shit relationship than be single. I assume people think it's better to muddle along rather than face the perceived social stigma and the extra expense and logistics of living alone.

Selfish AF. Those poor kids having their world turned upside down. The wife having her whole married life turned in to a sham. Live and let live is fine, as long as you're not dragging anyone else's emotions into it.

(And just to help prevent this being misinterpreted, I wouldn't consider it transphobic for a straight woman to want to end a romantic relationship with a trans woman who's recently found herself).

What a kind and generous person you are.

Well it’s never a transman coming out being happily supported by his husband is it???

Everyone's allowed their feelings. Your friend is allowed to skip off into the sunset in 3 inch heels and red loopy. The family are allowed to feel exactly what they want about this. What's not on is the reassurance that everyone is fine in the wake of what's bound to be a dreadful upheaval.

And like fuck I'd allow my kid to call his dad 'mum'. If that makes me a bigot, so be it.

Of course they aren't OK. Their father which is still what they will legally be on the birth certificate. That has been tested in court and so far in this country has not legally been changed according to identity so it should be ok to call this person the father still, has just completely changed the game.

Quiet compliance should never be mistaken for belief or acceptance. The family will obviously be struggling with the new demands being made of them without their consent ir understanding.

Only someone so self involved would ever believe this is OK fir them.

*loopy = lippy, obvs.

You'd like to hear it from the wife/children themselves, rather than their self-appointed spokesperson.

It's far too early to say; there are a lot of issues to be processed first. The poster may have been thinking about this for a long time but for the rest of the family it will still be 'the shock of the new'.

“Maybe this woman's wife is bisexual or pansexual?”

I’m bisexual, and I don’t think I’d be fine with it. That’s a lot to process. The transformation itself (with hormone injections and surgery depending on the person, and all the trouble that goes along with that). And possibly the sensation of being parodied/mimicked. Worries about AGP.

Or if they have gender dysphoria, the fact that someone you love for who they are doesn’t love themselves like that. That’s quite sad, I would imagine.

@ElaineFuchs

Maybe this woman's wife is bisexual or pansexual?

I think it depends what you mean by "not alright with it".

If you mean that her wife and children might be troubled by their exposure to societies transphobia (for instance being bullied at school for having a transgender mum) then that's a valid concern. The UK is home to some terrible transphobia.

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then that would be transphobic and should rightly be called out as such!

(And just to help prevent this being misinterpreted, I wouldn't consider it transphobic for a straight woman to want to end a romantic relationship with a trans woman who's recently found herself).

Congratulations to them all!

Oh, is his wife transitioning as well? Is that why the children might be bullied at school for having a transgender mum? Unless you are implying that the TWAW brigade ARE trying to steal women's words and experiences. This man will remain his children's father. As he says his wife and children are fine, I am sure he will be good enough to allow his wife to remain as his children's mother and not try and muscle in on that role himself?

In my experience the transwoman declares that there's no effect on the wife and children. The reality is that they are all in therapy to help them deal with it.

And in the case I'm thinking of the parents, the close friends, al struggling, all in therapy.

Well yes. I mean I'm.straight but I'm.attracted to certain things in a man. If those things no longer were there it would have an impact . Being bi sexual wouod certainly not mean a complete personality/action change/lifestyle change would just be absorbed. I find it a realky odd argument

That's also what men who fuck off every weekend for their hobby leaving their wife and kids alone says. It's what every man who finds a younger woman and leaves his wife and kids says. It's what every man who spends the family money on themselves says. Basically, it is what every man who really only thinks of themselves and does not consider women to be anything more than support humans to him, his life, needs and wants thinks.

Maybe they are fine, maybe they’re not. I don’t think it’s up to anyone else to speculate how they should or shouldn’t be feeling. There is no ‘right’ way for someone to feel if this happened to them, despite some people seemingly wanting the wife and kids to be traumatised and not accepting any other possibility.

There is no ‘right’ way for someone to feel if this happened to them, despite some people seemingly wanting the wife and kids to be traumatised and not accepting any other possibility

But everything has impacts on relationships. Illness, weight gain/loss, mental illness, trauma, disabilities, kids, job changes, money worries etc

As much as anyone tries to stick it out because they feel they have to , or indeed want to, let's not pretend this will be something seamless transition where they all skip into the sunset wearing eachothers clothes.