Are the wife and children really fine?

[DancingBarefootOnIce]

A man I used to be close friends with recently came out as a transwoman on Facebook. I was a bit surprised as when I knew them in their 20s they were just a typical man. They’re now mid 30s and married to a woman with three children.

Anyway in their post the second sentence was something along the lines of “Don’t worry my wife and children are fine”. I’ve seen it before in stories like this or when someone comes out as gay.
It’s almost like there’s going to be an accusation of homophobia or transphobia if they’re not alright with it. It just doesn’t feel right. If my partner or father came out with something like that it would change so many things in thinking about past relationships etc.

I don't understand what you mean by this.

I mean gay =/= trans.

One is a sexuality

The other is not.

You persits in posting as though they are the same thing. They are not.

I'm very attracted to masculine women and feminine men (not transwomen). Sexuality is funny like that and we are all absolutely entitled to experience it exactly as we do.

Its when you start dragging innocent children into it I feel angry. Have the maturity to get your shit together before you bring another life into this world. There are enough damaged people as it is.

@ElaineFuchs "I know first hand several relationships in which this has happened without any issue at all."

You know several men who are saying they are women in their relationships now?

Does that not strike you as odd?

Tall women are a sub-category of women. As are short women. And thin women. And fat women. And (even!) ginger women.

And IMO transwomen are a sub category of men, however much they pretend that they are not. Even having your bits chopped off won't make you a biological female in the same way that women who have mastectomies or hysterectomies aren't turned into men.

(Will this get me banned from MN?)

@ElaineFuchs

Maybe this woman's wife is bisexual or pansexual?

I think it depends what you mean by "not alright with it".

If you mean that her wife and children might be troubled by their exposure to societies transphobia (for instance being bullied at school for having a transgender mum) then that's a valid concern. The UK is home to some terrible transphobia.

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then that would be transphobic and should rightly be called out as such!

(And just to help prevent this being misinterpreted, I wouldn't consider it transphobic for a straight woman to want to end a romantic relationship with a trans woman who's recently found herself).

Congratulations to them all!

I think what the OP might mean is that the woman and children might feel cheated and traumatised having understood themselves to be married to a man and to have a father respectively, and to have had this known fixture in their lives taken from them, with any need to grieve or feel distress about it punished as bigotry and transphobia.

@ElaineFuchs is that a response to the situation you would be prepared to acknowledge as human and natural and not intrinsically transphobic?

If my dh told me he wanted to transition, I would be fine and I wouldn't.
I'd be fine and accepting of his body, his choice. I'd respect his decision and support him in any way I could.
I wouldn't be fine with the breakdown of my marriage. As a heterosexual woman, I wouldn't stay married to him. I'm not attracted to women, and whilst physical attraction isn't everything, it is important to me. That doesn't make me phobic. It's a preference. In the same way that if he came out as gay, our relationship would break down.

I wouldn't consider it transphobic for a straight woman to want to end a romantic relationship with a trans woman who's recently found herself

How benevolent. So generous.

@ElaineFuchs you are being very stupid and you know it. Actually there is nothing showing on a FB profile that states sex and it certainly doesn't state gender 🙄

I am talking about the public FB details as opposed to what you have to do to sign up.

I hate the whole, 'it's fine, maybe she's bisexual', bit.

Wtf has being bisexual got to do with whether you'd still want to be with a man who demanded the world saw him as, addressed him as and treated him as a woman? The issue isn't that he has turned into a woman and therefore if you're straight you're off the hook because you can say oh but I'm straight and if you're a woman I can't be attracted to you. He's not a woman, that's the big issue.

The big issue is that someone has revealed a massive delusion and expects everyone else, including his own children, to go along with it. For me that's less about my sexuality being effected by appearance or pronouns or declared 'gender' but about what degrees of selfishness, self indulgence and entitlement to the point of expecting everyone to go along with whatever you declare regardless of what it means for them and even if they are children who you committed to putting first. For me personally those things are a) very male attributes and b) things I would never pick in a partner and would be utterly repulsed by if they emerged in a partner - a million more times so if that person was supposed to be a parent to my child.

I know of a man who came out as trans, he would talk about how it was their time to be themselves, find happiness, and seemed to think that the family were just fine!

Except his children were both incredibly confused. I knew his children more than I knew him, his children have both suffered, and his wife had to start a new life that she never envisioned.

@peboh

If my dh told me he wanted to transition, I would be fine and I wouldn't. I'd be fine and accepting of his body, his choice. I'd respect his decision and support him in any way I could. I wouldn't be fine with the breakdown of my marriage. As a heterosexual woman, I wouldn't stay married to him. I'm not attracted to women, and whilst physical attraction isn't everything, it is important to me. That doesn't make me phobic. It's a preference. In the same way that if he came out as gay, our relationship would break down.

I would definitely agree that this isn't transphobic. Why should you, a straight woman remain in a romantic relationship with another woman.

It isn’t remaining in a relationship with a woman. It’s in a relationship with a man who wants to be a woman.

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then that would be transphobic and should rightly be called out as such!
So children who struggle with their Father's transition are bigoted now as well as trans widows?

We're already in a situation where any resistance from trans widows has been categorised as domestic abuse, and now we're roping children into that as well? The attempts to silence resistance really know no bounds.

I wonder how many husbands would be "Ok about it" if the boot was on the other foot.

Seems to me it's only women who are expected to be "Ok about it".

[quote MariaOnCorrie]@ElaineFuchs you are being very stupid and you know it. Actually there is nothing showing on a FB profile that states sex and it certainly doesn't state gender 🙄[/quote]
It's under "contact and basic info". The field "gender" (If you select a custom gender then it prompts you for "pronouns").

This field can be made private I believe, but almost nobody has this not public.

If you think a male.can he a lesbian then you are a homophobe

Do you know them? If so you can try to support them.

I agree with you, regardless, it would be a very difficult thing to come to terms with 🤷🏻‍♀️ fine may not be the best word.

@Rosehugger

I wonder how many husbands would be "Ok about it" if the boot was on the other foot.

Seems to me it's only women who are expected to be "Ok about it".

Definitely toxic masculinity does put more pressure on men to appear heterosexual.

As I said @ElaineFuchs that too is forced. There is no option that asks for your sex and you cannot leave it blank.

I think you may have just shown why you got that whole "everyone is fine with it" statement quite wrong!

@TinselAngel

If you mean that her wife or children might be themselves bigoted towards her, then that would be transphobic and should rightly be called out as such! So children who struggle with their Father's transition are bigoted now as well as trans widows?

We're already in a situation where any resistance from trans widows has been categorised as domestic abuse, and now we're roping children into that as well? The attempts to silence resistance really know no bounds.

Yes, this is exactly what I've said many times and believe with all my heart. If the children get her pronouns wrong (even once) then they are to be branded trandphobic for live.

You do know that doesn't work, don't you @ElaineFuchs?

You keep on making those exasperated statements of 'fact' shortly after a more rambling post that suggest that posters like Tinsel have understood you absolutely correctly.

Should you wish to stop having to explain yourself may I suggest you post with more clarity, less internal opposition?

Yes, you owe everyone your body or you're a homophobe. This is what I believe and what I have stated many times

Wow.
So you think lesbians who don't want to have sex with men who claim to be women are the homophobes?

You think women 'owe their bodies' to any man that wants to have sex with them?

Of course they're not fine. How could any woman be in this situation?