AIBU? Trans friend....

[OrchardBlack]

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

Take what pics you like. Clearly Don't include him or post anything of him but just get on with your
Night without him

It's irrelevant that they are trans. The issue is that someone you do not know is taking over your night out. Which is not on.

I'd be pissed off that someone I didn't know had changed the dynamics of the night out.
If he is coming out as a woman, I would have imagined his live in partner would be the person he should be with, not someone he has never even met before.

If a man wants to attack a woman in the toilet, he doesn’t need to wear a dress to magically get into the ladies room.

But we are now no longer supposed to challenge anyone, of any appearance or presentation, for being there. So if a man wants to attack a woman in the women's toilets, it's getting very easy for him, isn't it? No-one's allowed to ask him to leave.

Just tell your friend to tell the transwoman that they can't come. Tell your friend to blame you eg you only want it to be her; there's something you need to discuss; you'd actually bought two tickets for something - whatever you want.
It's cheeky of them to try to commandeer someone else's night out.

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!

Oh well we should let them use the ladies then lest their poor feels get hurt

@Susu49

Sorry, her

Oops 😂

@Earlydancing

I'd be fed up if I were you too. Not because of any toilet issue but because an evening you were looking forward to will now be all about a person you've never even met and their, understandably for them, heady experience of wearing women's clothing in public for the first time And they're even forbidding you from taking photos. But I don't know how you get out of it without being rude.

Considering this friend of a friend is being rude by gatecrashing someone else's night out to make it a coming out ceremony, I see no need for OP or her friend to take measures to avoid being rude when informing this person that his new plan doesn't work for them, that they'll be taking photos if they wish and posting to social media, that they're not interested in being part of any coming out ceremony.

OP I noticed that your friend's friend chose to inform her of the intention to use the evening to come out in public after you'd both agreed he could come with you. I'd be telling you friend you still want to go with her and to tell him his plans are not what you both agreed to. Although I'm guessing she may flake on you if you say you still want to go, so it might be better to accept the refund from her. I'm going to guess he chose to involve her for his coming out because he knows she's a soft touch who won't say no when backed into a corner. YANBU to be annoyed and disappointed if you miss out on the event because your friend lacks assertiveness and her friend is a dickhead.

It sounds like his coming out is just wearing a sundress and using a female name at the event. It doesn't sound like he has a band or bells and whistles or a plan to take over the night. He doesn't need to be in any pictures you take - anyone can choose to not be in pictures of a night out.

I don't really get the outrage because he wants to wear a dress. Who cares - let him wear what he wants.

It's totally reasonable for your friend to tell the person, "Hi friend, your plans for this night out make me feel hijacked and uncomfortable. You've sprung this big news on me and as your friend, I want to be supportive but I need more time to get my head around it. It feels like you are making this night all about you and your big coming out, which is different to our original plans. I am not sure I'm ready to join you in going together to [event]."

Decent people understand that friends need time to get used to such a radical change. If they don't understand that, then that's their problem.

@Susu49

Sorry, her

LOL

So another woman will be joining you and a friend? I don't see the issue, she's obviously not a predator or anything if your friend trusts her enough to have planned going to an event together in the first place.

"He" is not transitioning. "He" is still attracted to women and is just playing drag. I wouldn't be happy with him using the women's toilets in this situation. And he is not transitioned yet so not a she. Seems more like attention seeking and predatory behaviour.

Can you not say that the night was about going out to enjoy yourself and as he has now made it all about him and started to demand that you don’t take photos then maybe it isn’t the evening for him.

This would apply whether someone was gay/straight or trans
If someone starts making an evening out about what they want to do and starts asking for things then it probably isn’t going to work out.

@ferrisbuelleronadayout

"He" is not transitioning. "He" is still attracted to women and is just playing drag. I wouldn't be happy with him using the women's toilets in this situation. And he is not transitioned yet so not a she. Seems more like attention seeking and predatory behaviour.

You're exactly right, sexuality has got nothing to do with gender, she probably still likes women if she did before coming out. Are you scared she'll be peeping under the cubicle or something? I've never seen someone get a kick out of watching a lady use the loo tbh.

It’s weird to hijack someone else’s night to make a point about themselves. Demanding no photos?!

I think I’d just say that whilst you have no issue with his choices this is not the night for it.

Go to the event yourself if your friend cancels rather than just telling her friend.

@Midlifemusings

It sounds like his coming out is just wearing a sundress and using a female name at the event. It doesn't sound like he has a band or bells and whistles or a plan to take over the night. He doesn't need to be in any pictures you take - anyone can choose to not be in pictures of a night out.

I don't really get the outrage because he wants to wear a dress. Who cares - let him wear what he wants.

But it isn’t just be going out with a guy in a dress it is a guy in a dress who has already started putting restrictions on the evening and I doubt he is going to sit back and go with the flow it will be all about what he wants or doesn’t want. What he wants to talk about

@Cheetocat sadly it’s really common for men to get a kick out of it, I used to be a criminal lawyer and it’s not rare

I'd uninvite him.
And, if necessary, tell him I'm of a turfy nature (I know that's not how it's spelled).
Even if it's not true - in that you have a FTM transitioning friend - doesn't matter.

Either way I'd not be going on this night out with him.

"I've never seen someone get a kick out of watching a lady use the loo tbh."

Have you been living under a rock for years or something??

The number of peeping tom issues, cameras over and under cubicle walls, upskirting, etc. that go on and you've just "never noticed"?

Wow.

@Kennykenkencat

We have no way to know what he will be like. He doesn't want to be in pictures on his first night in a dress because he isn't ready for it to spread though his friend's social media. I can respect that.

There is nothing that says he will dominate the conversation and make it all about him. It is being reported third hand by Op who heard it from a friend who spoke to the guy.

If OPs friend has known him awhile and been friends, it isn't like putting a dress on is going to flick a switch that turns him into an asshole.

People are inventing problems that don't exist in this scenario just to have something to be mad about but they are arguging against their own assumptions and ideas - not the actual person or facts as we know them

They are dominating the night before even going on it by setting out rules on photos, though!

This just isn’t the night for this. The person can arrange their own night out with their own agenda, not just make demands on someone else’s.

Can she suggest coming out another night, at a more special location when it’s just them 2 together. Would feel like the night is being hijacked otherwise. The alternative is to carry on as originally planned but not make a fuss of the hair or makeup or heels and instead chat about usual things.

I also wouldn’t want to be a part of someone deceiving their partner, tbh, having been deceived myself.

I might be missing something, but did they say they'd be deceiving their partner?? There's no indication that the partner isn't aware.