AIBU? Trans friend....

[OrchardBlack]

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

Both of you just tell him that you've now got other commitments, so you can't go with him that night.

...of course, your "other commitments" are having the night out you originally planned, without having to have it hijacked by a raging narcissist, but you needn't mention that to him.

....have since read update, and am very pleased that you and your friend are getting to have the night out that you originally planned. Well done your friend, for insisting on this.

@Sadless

Can anyone help me I just searched trans in the search and it came up with this. I have found out that my son likes women with men's private parts. What does that mean is he gay or curious.

Any advice

Sal

When you say you found out Sal, did he tell you, or did you accidentally bump into his amour exiting the shower, or did he leave a pornhub page open by mistake? And how old is he?

@Sadless

Can anyone help me I just searched trans in the search and it came up with this. I have found out that my son likes women with men's private parts. What does that mean is he gay or curious.

Any advice

Sal

Hi Sal. No woman has ‘men’s private parts’. Hope that helps.

@waterlego
Fair point. Sal it sounds like he might be into men with boobs, not women with tackle!

@Sadless

Can anyone help me I just searched trans in the search and it came up with this. I have found out that my son likes women with men's private parts. What does that mean is he gay or curious.

Any advice

Sal

MNHQ gave me this when i did that search 🙊:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1354153--to-think-a-four-year-old-should-be-allowed-to-eat-cake-at-a-birthday-party

🤷🏼‍♀️

You could have "The Talk". The one about puberty, sex and privacy

Below are some books which may help you use the correct terms for each body part.

www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-samsung-rev2&source=android-browser&q=amazon+male+puberty+books#scso=_sao8YvClCcuD8gKMza7gAQ3:0

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!

I’ve read most of the thread, but still want to comment on this even though others have done so already.

WTF should he be using the women’s toilet? Sort out behaviour of men, stop demanding women “move over”.

I am trying to make it not sounds as bad as it is. I am not stupid I know women don't have a penis. He's 14 just with maybe asd and if I found normal porn then yeah usually. But what I found was gay porn and that. I know nothing about trans people or anything to do with that stuff. So was asking for advice as others might know what's wrong with him.
Does it mean he's gay, bi or am I going to find him in his sisters clothes.

Sal
Sal

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!

He's a man he needs to use the men's toilet

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!

Christ that's a low opinion of men you have! I actually think that most places the men would just ignore him - pretty sure the blokes in Tescos/at the local pub aren't going a) mistake him for a woman, or b) do anything more than roll their eyes and keep their distance as they do for anyone else in the bogs.

@Sadless

I am trying to make it not sounds as bad as it is. I am not stupid I know women don't have a penis. He's 14 just with maybe asd and if I found normal porn then yeah usually. But what I found was gay porn and that. I know nothing about trans people or anything to do with that stuff. So was asking for advice as others might know what's wrong with him. Does it mean he's gay, bi or am I going to find him in his sisters clothes.

Sal
Sal

It doesn’t mean anything.

Put parental control on your devices so your child cannot access porn. It is neglect that you are allowing him to access adult content on the internet.

He is a child. He has poor judgement. All children are curious. But he will be in a world of trouble if his curiosity strays to the dark web and websites full of child abuse images and bestiality.

If you don’t know how to put parental controls on your electronic devices, start a new thread - others can advise you I’m sure. But he is accessing inappropriate images because you are letting him. If he was climbing over the garden fence and peering in your neighbours bedroom window to see her naked, would you be wondering if he’s into older women or would you be stopping his inappropriate behaviour? This is no different. Behave like a parent and stop worrying about what he is choosing to view - he’s a child, he will view whatever he can access.

@Sadless

I am trying to make it not sounds as bad as it is. I am not stupid I know women don't have a penis. He's 14 just with maybe asd and if I found normal porn then yeah usually. But what I found was gay porn and that. I know nothing about trans people or anything to do with that stuff. So was asking for advice as others might know what's wrong with him. Does it mean he's gay, bi or am I going to find him in his sisters clothes.

Sal
Sal

A forum you can post in and what Annette32123 said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lgbt_parents

@Sadless

I am trying to make it not sounds as bad as it is. I am not stupid I know women don't have a penis. He's 14 just with maybe asd and if I found normal porn then yeah usually. But what I found was gay porn and that. I know nothing about trans people or anything to do with that stuff. So was asking for advice as others might know what's wrong with him. Does it mean he's gay, bi or am I going to find him in his sisters clothes.

Sal
Sal

Sal - it's likely that he has been led to those sites by other people in chat groups. It's a fact, sometimes overlooked, that a lot of people within the gender ideology/alphabet soup groups are on the spectrum, at a far higher proportion than in the general population. One of the reasons is that they're looking for somewhere to "fit in" - and they find it in these online chats/ groups/ forums, where they are welcomed in, especially if they find themselves "questioning" their sexuality or their gender.

Your son may have been led to these groups to see if he's trans/gay/pan/AGP - in other words, to look at what images excite him.

Of course at 14 he shouldn't be looking at such things - but by 14 over 80% of kids have accessed porn, so he's not unusual in that.

I don't think it necessarily means anything at this stage, except that you need to restrict his internet access and check out what he's been doing and who he's been talking to, to make sure he's not being groomed.

You cannot start from a position that there is something "wrong" with him - if he's gay, or bisexual, then that's who he is, it's not "wrong".
If he IS gay, but is being pulled into thinking he's trans, then different story. But you need to try to have an open-minded chat with him. I have a 14yo boy, so I know how hard that's likely to be! but you still have to try.

And restrict his access to the internet.

Sorry, wrong word in this sentence:
"Your son may have been led to these sites to see if he's trans/gay/pan/AGP - in other words, to look at what images excite him.

I've had something similar where a friend of a friend suddenly started hijacking evenings out as dress up like a Princess time. Now sends me private messages of themselves dressed up for affirmation.

Nah mate. You need a pair of woolly tights if you are going to wear a sundress in April.

@Cheetocat "I've never seen someone get a kick out of watching a lady use the loo tbh."

There's entire pornhub categories based on this.

At my daughters school boys were using the mixed sexed loos to spy on the girls.

They learn to be disgusting from a really young age.

[quote Midlifemusings]@Kennykenkencat

We have no way to know what he will be like. He doesn't want to be in pictures on his first night in a dress because he isn't ready for it to spread though his friend's social media. I can respect that.

There is nothing that says he will dominate the conversation and make it all about him. It is being reported third hand by Op who heard it from a friend who spoke to the guy.

If OPs friend has known him awhile and been friends, it isn't like putting a dress on is going to flick a switch that turns him into an asshole.

People are inventing problems that don't exist in this scenario just to have something to be mad about but they are arguging against their own assumptions and ideas - not the actual person or facts as we know them[/quote]
He's already dominating the evening.

When was this moved to FWR.?

@Monitaurus

When was this moved to FWR.?

I think they snuck it here overnight!

he has told her that when he split up from an ex girlfriend he stole a pair of her knickers and a dress of hers and would wear it regularly

Datun's post here explains what's behind this
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3145470-Break-it-down-for-me

Yep, it is only in the decadent west that women have to deal with entitled deluded men.

It's all about him, eh? You two and your night out are just decoration and there to praise and validate him. I'd give the night the bums rush and tell your pal to keep it to just the two of you next time.

Why have you bumped this thread from April just to post this?