AIBU? Trans friend....

[OrchardBlack]

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

OP can your friend tell her friend that you are both out celebrating something and that you will be taking lots of photos and putting them on your SM and that you are one of those dreadful people that doesn't give a shit about other people not wanting their photos to be public and he will therefore be all over Insta, with both of them tagged.

@Earlydancing

I'd be fed up if I were you too. Not because of any toilet issue but because an evening you were looking forward to will now be all about a person you've never even met and their, understandably for them, heady experience of wearing women's clothing in public for the first time And they're even forbidding you from taking photos. But I don't know how you get out of it without being rude.

That’s where we go wrong. Trying not to be rude.

Men are rude all the time. This chap is being rude. Nothing wrong with being rude back.

I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?

I've used men's toilets for 40 + years and that seems unlikely. Women do use men's loos at crowded venues.

Of course there can always be drunken dickheads, especially if it's a rough place, but I don't see toilets being a particular risk.

@hazandduck

I agree *@JayAlfredPrufrock* If you support anyone in living their life how they wish, why is this even an issue? (Before a million people jump down my throat about toilets/safe spaces etc I am gender critical and think sex segregation matters but the OP hasn’t even spoken to the trans person in question here). It almost feels like implying because this person is trans they shouldn’t go to events with their friends any more? I feel like posts like this often weaken the debate around gender. I mean you’re allowed to feel disappointed but I think you’re jumping the gun a bit here.

It’s turning a night out into a coming out party that stinks. It would be the same if someone hijacked an event as an engagement party or something which turns a shared get together into a one person show.

With added demands for validation placing a burden on the other parties.

Can you say ‘ I know well and consider her a friend- coming out as a woman is a major change in your relationship and I’d feel like I’m lying to her, much as if you were bringing another girlfriend along and asking me to keep that quiet. If you did that I’d call her immediately and tell her, I won’t do that here but I can’t go for a night out like this until she knows. It’s not fair to ask me to.’

@timeisnotaline

Can you say ‘ I know well and consider her a friend- coming out as a woman is a major change in your relationship and I’d feel like I’m lying to her, much as if you were bringing another girlfriend along and asking me to keep that quiet. If you did that I’d call her immediately and tell her, I won’t do that here but I can’t go for a night out like this until she knows. It’s not fair to ask me to.’

"Fuck off!" fits this situation better.

What concerns me is that men can now dress up as a woman if they want to prey on women in public toilets and changing rooms.

Why would a man in a dress get abused using the blokes loos. All anyone ever wants to do in a loo is to pee in peace. So we are constantly told.

Absolutely! All the men should just be applauding them for living their true life, shouldn't they and be the best support humans they can be shouldn't they?

Bloody hell tell him to jog on.
Bloke tagging along will totally change your dynamic from pair of friends to awkward triangle with only one person that knows both the others. Adding in a load of stipulations about how you could enjoy your time (photos secrecy etc) is another layer. And then over the top you're supposed to change your nice time out to being a celebration of him"coming out"

No thank you
Tell him to have his midlife crisis somewhere else

His feelings are more important than any woman sharing the toilet with him. His feelings are more important than his friend or you. It's all about him and his first go at going out dressed up all pretty in a frock.

You don't matter.

He sounds to me more like a transvestite. Or don't they exist any more?

A SUNDRESS IN APRIL?

I'm worried. This person will not have the benefits of a female fat to muscle ratio.

I'm mean, I'm female, and very very fat and even I wouldn't risk this wardrobe disaster without at least a pashmina and packamac in my handbag.

Are you sure your new BFF has done "their" research?

@Susu49 happy for someone she's never met that's highjacking her night out with her friend and making all these fucking rules like a celeb? No photos. Refer to me as this. And the fact that he will probably be using WOMENs toilets (woman as in born with a vagina and a womb)

No. No thank you.

@UKRAINEwearewithyou

His feelings are more important than any woman sharing the toilet with him. His feelings are more important than his friend or you. It's all about him and his first go at going out dressed up all pretty in a frock.

You don't matter.

I'd reserve judgment on "pretty," having seen a Posie Parker video tonight.

twitter.com/madeleinekearns/status/1505892843247841288?s=21

@Susu49

Sorry, her

LOL.

OP, YANBU.

There is something quite spectacular - stunning, even - about so many transwomen’s ability to display their innate maleness and entitlement, isn’t there?

What is also remarkable, is that so many transwomen keep their penises. And they’re still attracted to women.

And now they’re in our spaces.

We don’t know which male-bodied people (men) are threats to women, because they don’t have handy signs on their head.

Which is why we need single sex (not gender) spaces.

In the past, when social progress has been made, it hasn’t impacted on other groups.

Women getting the vote didn’t actually impact on men.

Civil rights didn’t impact on white people.

Gay marriage didn’t impact on straight people.

That’s not the case with trans rights. They do impact on women. Negatively.

TRAs can keep insisting women role over. But we’re not going to.

@Lovelyricepudding

SolasAnla if they are abused then they should call the police. We have laws against abuse.

Define "abuse" correctly as a criminal act then yes the police should be called.

if the abuse is some big burly bearded fashionable nerd telling his mate that "yes that sun dress really accentuated your big fat ass" its not a criminal matter.

But the slight if hand in the narrative is built on males in male toilets are horrifically violent to someone dressed as a woman.

Of course females dressed as a female will be using the female toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse females will have if females enter that male toilets?!
"GtFO, Go use the female toilets this is a male only toilet"

Again abuse but not criminal.

I did say that I don't like it, but I think it would be incredibly naive to think they would use this opportunity to to dress as a woman and still use the men's toilet rather than the women's.

So your night out has been hijacked by a man who wants to cosplay and is railroading 2 women to be part of it? Fuck that! If your friend doesn’t want to be straight with him, perhaps claim you have Covid and go out anyway with him. Why should you miss out on a long planned for event to suit a narcissist?
He can always join a Trans support group and arrange his coming out party with willing participants.

This is totally likely to happen. Hear about this cropping up all the time. I can't book a night out with the girls without some guy joining in dressed in a sun dress (in March?!)

To be honest this isn’t anything to do with trans stuff. It’s to do with someone hijacking another persons night out to make it all about them them them. Could have been say deciding it was going to be their birthday do instead . It’s not appropriate.

@SolasAnla . I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse females will have if females enter that male toilets?! why would females randomly decide to use the male loo?