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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

AIBU? Trans friend....

609 replies

OrchardBlack · 21/03/2022 22:41

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 21/03/2022 23:44

So he has a problem in the gents' toilet and somehow women have some sort of responsibility?

Yup. And somehow it's all our fault.

JacquelineCarlyle · 21/03/2022 23:44

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
Doesn't mean they should be able to use the women's toilet. People with penises should never be in a woman's toilet (or any other supposed safe space).
JacquelineCarlyle · 21/03/2022 23:45

[quote HollowedOut]@Susu49 you can be happy for someone while also being pissed off that they’re hijacking your night out with your mate and making it all about themselves.[/quote]
Agree with this

IheartJKRowling · 21/03/2022 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Thewindwhispers · 21/03/2022 23:47

OP if you’re at all considering just agreeing with this dude, do take a look at this article by a psychologist about how very harmful and damaging to the trans person (as well as others) it is to affirm their delusions:

www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

tkwal · 21/03/2022 23:49

OP you have perfectly summed up my feelings about this whole gender identity farrago. On the one hand you have someone who genuinely has gender dysmorphia and who thankfully is able to transition. On the other you have an attention seeking agent provocateur who is abusing you and your friends good will. I would hope I would have the courage to tell them that they are not welcome to accompany you, that if they still insist on going they will not be in your company any more than any other attendee at the event and that you are not going to let them spoil your enjoyment of a long anticipated event. Hopefully they will identify as a decent person and leave you and your friend out of it.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 21/03/2022 23:54

For me, If I was in your position, no, it wouldn’t be a big deal. YABU. But I’m not you and it’s fine if you’re annoyed. You don’t need anyone’s permission.

I’m not the police of what the right and wrong ways to transition are. At what point is it ok for them to start attending events in their chosen presentation without it being about them? They have to come out sometime. I don’t see how they are making it about them as much as you are. Maybe it’s a small town and this will cause a stir?

Some of the language you used seem to focus on things that make me think this is about more than someone hijacking your night though. No one needed to know what she was planning on wearing or which toilets she was hoping to use to get the point across. You’ve also said that this person is transitioning, but then said in your second post that “he’s a straight male”.

I’m also not one to care about what toilets people use. If a man wants to attack a woman in the toilet, he doesn’t need to wear a dress to magically get into the ladies room. And as for her still being attracted to women - I mean, you’ve probably been in the toilet with a lesbian or bi woman before. I don’t really get it. I’ve been in mixed gender toilets I’ve never found anyone attractive in them. Am I missing something here?

It just doesn’t sound like you’re comfortable or happy with this plan, and that’s ok! Again, you don’t need anyone’s permission. If your friend isn’t comfortable talking to their friend about their discomfort with them using this event as a place to wear women’s clothes out for the first time, then cancel and make some new plans. If you’re that disappointed about missing this specific event, can you go with someone else? It would be better for everyone. Despite the rhetoric I don’t think any politically correct trans rights folks are going to show up at your door with pitchforks.

MichelleScarn · 21/03/2022 23:55

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

So he has a problem in the gents' toilet and somehow women have some sort of responsibility?

Yup. And somehow it's all our fault.

Of course it is. And it's our role to manage all of the fall out. To be the support humans and cheerleader for him, to be the defence against any comments from men, to challenge any female who has the temerity to actually voice 'this is not ok' to basically #bekind and place yourself and other females at the bottom of the pile.
SolasAnla · 21/03/2022 23:57

[quote MichelleScarn]**@SolasAnla* . I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse females will have if females enter that male toilets?!* why would females randomly decide to use the male loo?[/quote]
Its some kind of Dress Code apparently.

Dress in a dress go in the door with a pic of a dress.

Dress in trousers go in the door with the pic of trousers.

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:02

So it a wedding you here in Scotland I wear a jumpsuit, I go in the blokes, and all the blokes in the Army no1s which are kilts go in the ladies?
Granny will not be amused!

Weatherwax13 · 22/03/2022 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMarzipanDildo · 22/03/2022 00:02

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I have a male friend who would think nothing of walking into the men’s loos in a dress and heels. And has done just that.

If it IS true it’s very depressing. Some blokes need to sort themselves out if they would bully a gnc man for being in their own toilets!

Anyway, this person sounds self obsessed OP.

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:03

'In a wedding up here' !... what's going on with things tonight!

Fernandina · 22/03/2022 00:03

Its some kind of dress code apparently.

Dress in a dress go in the door with a pic of a dress.

Dress in trousers go in the door with the pic of trousers.

Oh shit, I wear trousers all the time...

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:05

Ooo @Fernandina join me in the rebel alliance... 😆

zen1 · 22/03/2022 00:06

I would just cancel. Arrange to go out with your friend another time. You are under no obligation to spend time with someone you don’t want to spend time with (and who you have never even met!). You don’t have to play a part in someone else’s fantasies if you don’t want to.

DdraigGoch · 22/03/2022 00:08

@ClaryFairchild

Of course someone dressed as a woman will be using the women's toilets. I don't like to but can you imagine the abuse they will have if they enter that men's toilets?!
No one in the men's toilets is paying any attention to what other men are wearing. Particularly given that someone wearing a dress will need to (for practical reasons) slip into a cubicle, rather than stand at a urinal. So all of the abuse you're imagining will stay in your imagination.

Even if it were true (it isn't), women are not support humans for non-conforming males. Women have the right to privacy and dignity.

Enough4me · 22/03/2022 00:09

I'd cancel, this is now clearly about a man seeking attention rather than a genuine friend's evening out.

Sapphireskies · 22/03/2022 00:11

I wouldn't be comfortable either. Maybe you could just be honest and say you just wanted a chill night out.

SolasAnla · 22/03/2022 00:14

@MichelleScarn

So it a wedding you here in Scotland I wear a jumpsuit, I go in the blokes, and all the blokes in the Army no1s which are kilts go in the ladies? Granny will not be amused!
How very sexist ageist judgemental of you.

I have seen many a trendy Grann (no y!) Boping it on the dance floor in (non leopard print) skinny jeans.

WalrusSubmarine · 22/03/2022 00:14

I would have a problem with planning a fun night out with a friend to do a specific thing and then finding it reimagined by a friend of a friend I’d never met with a very different agenda. I’d feel the same because my nights out are more precious these days. If it was someone who’d just left their partner and wanted a single experience. If it was someone who’d was looking for a massive all nighter. If it was someone’s long lost aunt that had turned up. Anything that makes me anticipate a more emotional night than a fun one would be reconsidered.

Gasandpair · 22/03/2022 00:18

This doesn’t even need to be about gender/coming out etc. Imagine instead it was this person’s birthday and they were coming along to someone else’s already arranged night out (half of whom they’ve never met) and making it into their birthday celebration. Therefore effectively making a complete stranger celebrate their birthday and hijacking the night out. It’s just rude.

bridgetreilly · 22/03/2022 00:19

I think your friend needs to say that while you’re both happy for him to do whatever he wants, that wasn’t quite what you’d planned for your fun night out together with each other. You can wish him well and say you’ll see him another time.

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:19

@SolasAnla nope, totally lost now!

sophienelisse · 22/03/2022 00:22

Go to the night. Do what you like at the
Night. Don't tag him. Anything after that is up to him

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