AIBU? Trans friend....

[OrchardBlack]

Have NC'd for this.

So a close friend of mine (female) and I booked tickets to an event in our town some time ago, due to take place in a few weeks. Both excited and looking forward to it , all good.

A few weeks ago she asks me if a male , straight friend of hers can also join, no problem, the more the merrier. I've never met him.

Except it now transpires that he has (quite suddenly from what I gather) said he is transitioning to be a woman and will use this night as his 'coming out'. He has messaged my friend saying that he's going to wear a sun dress and heels and he's nervous but excited too. He has also said we are to refer to him by his female name. My friend says he is currently in a relationship with a woman.

Now my friend is saying she is finding this all a lot to take on so suddenly as she's known him for many years as his male name and never even seen him with makeup on. I asked if he would be using the women's toilets on our night out, she doesn't know but I can only assume he is.

I feel very uncomfortable, as does my friend. I am fully supportive of people choosing to live how they wish, I just can't help feeling he's high-jacked our night. He isn't out as trans to any of his family etc so he has said no photos of the night etc. I'm also massively concerned that he is clearly still attracted to women and what this means for the safe spaces such as toilets etc.

She says she doesn't feel like she can talk to him about it and is concocting a plan to say she has covid and giving me my money back so we don't go. I'm dissapointed as I was looking forward to it.

AIBU to be deflated and a bit annoyed??

@CrossStichQueen

If they are sex segregated, when's the last time you had to prove your chromosomal make up to use the women's bathrooms

Nobody ever has but that hasn't stopped the very obvious fact that males use make spaces and females use females. When did humans become unable to correctly sex one another with the need for a chromosome test?

The chromosomal argument is a slight of hand.

There are no bathroom police.
Males sex themselves, they then decide to abide by a social contract and stay out of female toilets or reject the social contract and enter female toilet.

@Ddot

How can he use the mens loo in a frock. You could ask if he can use the disabled or go with him to the ladies, that's the only solution

Have you never encountered a stag party?

Depressing isn’t it. But for every ignorant pearl clutcher mouthing off on mumsnet there are just as many compassionate people out in the real world who would be sensitive to the needs and fears of this person. Guess it’s good that this person finds out who their real friends are sooner rather than later

Shame those compassionate for the trans appear to have none left for the people who want single sex toilets or indeed those who require single sex toilets to be able to partake in life.

The OP in this case was never a friend to the trans person, never even met the trans person, so trying to imply OP is a shit friend isnt helpful.
And OPs original friend maybe a shit friend but as shes not on here to defend herself it's pointless speculating.

Yes I have seen a stag party were men are dressed as women but one lone Male dressed in a frock entering a male loo may be dangerous

We are not talking about a man, we are talking about a transwoman. If you can’t see the difference then it is a little bit sad.

Go on then, @BiscuitLover3678 enlighten us as to the difference.

The last transwoman I spoke to was the gentlest person I’ve ever met. She actually avoids public toilets or goes in the disabled as doesn’t want to make biological woman feel uncomfortable. This is what most transwomen are like.

It's also what most men are like. Unfortunately the other 10% have the loudest voices.

Yes I have seen a stag party were men are dressed as women but one lone Male dressed in a frock entering a male loo may be dangerous

So you believe males in male toilets are dangerous but a male in the womens toilets is not dangerous?

@Ddot

Yes I have seen a stag party were men are dressed as women but one lone Male dressed in a frock entering a male loo may be dangerous

And yet biscuitlover's friend uses the men's all the time and presumably avoids getting a hiding.

Men's toilets are quite open (urinals etc.) so the etiquette is that you go in there, do what you need to do, and leave again. There is no conversation, you ignore each other.

The only time someone would ever be at risk of a hiding in the men's toilets is if they were caught peeking.

there are just as many compassionate people out in thereal world who would be sensitive to the needs and fears of thisperson.

Just this person? No compassion for other needs and fears?

[quote Midlifemusings]@Kennykenkencat

We have no way to know what he will be like. He doesn't want to be in pictures on his first night in a dress because he isn't ready for it to spread though his friend's social media. I can respect that.

There is nothing that says he will dominate the conversation and make it all about him. It is being reported third hand by Op who heard it from a friend who spoke to the guy.

If OPs friend has known him awhile and been friends, it isn't like putting a dress on is going to flick a switch that turns him into an asshole.

People are inventing problems that don't exist in this scenario just to have something to be mad about but they are arguging against their own assumptions and ideas - not the actual person or facts as we know them[/quote]
We already know what he is going to wear, and he is already saying that no one can take pictures.

Of course those won’t be the only things.

@Susu49

Sorry, her

The last transwoman I spoke to was the gentlest person I’ve ever met. She actually avoids public toilets or goes in the disabled as doesn’t want to make biological woman feel uncomfortable. This is what most transwomen are like.

Excuse me, you have no idea what “most transwomen” are like. Nor have I, but I don’t pretend to. Read the news for plentiful court reports of crimes by transwomen.

And I object to your friend or anyone else using the disabled toilets if they are not disabled.

Ooh well done, you reeled them in OP!

Ffs yes that would piss me off too. It's not her coming out as such that would piss me off, not my circus not my monkeys. But it's the fact that her monkeys are pissing all over your night out - the night out you planned to spend with your friend has very suddenly stopped being about having a great night out at a gig and started being about your friend's friend's coming out which isn't what you signed up to. So no, yanbu.

Excuse me, you have no idea what “most transwomen” are like. Nor have I, but I don’t pretend to. Read the news for plentiful court reports of crimes by transwomen

News reports of crimes committed by transwomen don't amount to a majority of transwomen either.

See, this is what fucks me off about mumsnet. I don't believe that anyone can change sex. I don't believe anyone with a dick should be using spaces meant for women and girls. I don't believe biological makes should be competing against women in sport.

You lot though, come out with shit like this, implying the majority of transwomen are dangerous, calling them 'it,' etc. and then deny you are transphobic. Why not show some basic respect or at least stop lying and accept that yes, you are transphobic.

I care not about the trans status of this person but I would be annoyed at having a day muscled in on like this by someone I hardly know.

Excuse me, you have no idea what “most transwomen” are like. Nor have I, but I don’t pretend to. Read the news for plentiful court reports of crimes by transwomen

Meant to quote this.

@HailAdrian

See, this is what fucks me off about mumsnet. I don't believe that anyone can change sex. I don't believe anyone with a dick should be using spaces meant for women and girls. I don't believe biological makes should be competing against women in sport.

You lot though, come out with shit like this, implying the majority of transwomen are dangerous, calling them 'it,' etc. and then deny you are transphobic. Why not show some basic respect or at least stop lying and accept that yes, you are transphobic.

1. Please report all posts that meet your claims and have them deleted, HQ will be very glad to help

2. Basic respect has to be reciprocal if it's going to work.

3. It is the lack of respect towards women and girls that has led to women becoming angry and they have discovered by long experience that being terribly polite and the bigger person and so on has got them nowhere except further taken advantage of.

4. Troll hunting is frowned upon.

You lot though, come out with shit like this, implying the majority of transwomen are dangerous, calling them 'it,' etc. and then deny you are transphobic. Why not show some basic respect or at least stop lying and accept that yes, you are transphobic

Well said.

OK, @Artichokeleaves, do you believe that all transwomen are disrespectful towards you? Are you angry with all of them?

You lot.

Odfod

@HailAdrian

See, this is what fucks me off about mumsnet. I don't believe that anyone can change sex. I don't believe anyone with a dick should be using spaces meant for women and girls. I don't believe biological makes should be competing against women in sport.

You lot though, come out with shit like this, implying the majority of transwomen are dangerous, calling them 'it,' etc. and then deny you are transphobic. Why not show some basic respect or at least stop lying and accept that yes, you are transphobic.

@HailAdrian That was in response to people saying that transwomen barely commit any crimes. Evidence shows there is a fair proportion that do. In fact, 50% of the Transwomen in prison are there for sex offences compared with 11% in the general male population. Facts are very important in a discussion. Comprehension and following a discussion thread is important and if you had you would have understood why that poster said what they said - because of the deniers who say 'it doesn't happen! It doesn't happen! It doesn't happen!' Also please don't lie, no one on this site calls them 'it', I've been here in some form or another for years, and that is not posted, if it does the posts are deleted almost straight away.

@HailAdrian

See, this is what fucks me off about mumsnet. I don't believe that anyone can change sex. I don't believe anyone with a dick should be using spaces meant for women and girls. I don't believe biological makes should be competing against women in sport.

You lot though, come out with shit like this, implying the majority of transwomen are dangerous, calling them 'it,' etc. and then deny you are transphobic. Why not show some basic respect or at least stop lying and accept that yes, you are transphobic.

Who used "it"?