Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

There's nothing you can do to stop your husband transitioning, you can only wish him the best of luck.

How old is your child?

Does he intend to use household income to fund surgeries and hormones?

How will you manage in the case of divorce? Would he leave or would you need to move?
Do you have family around you to support in your separation?

I hope you are ok.

There's a 'transwidows' support thread around here, somewhere.

You are being very kind. Possibly kinder than he deserves. If you were to reframe it, if it were you who was turning everything upside down, would you be as kind to yourself?

Came here to say the same as @picklemewalnuts

@tinselangel and her trans widows thread give fantastic support and a voice to women going through or have been through the same.

Yes I understand there is nothing to stop him so I'm trying to navigate this future. I have no family around at all, but should be okay if divorcing as I work full time. He earns enough to save for required medical treatments. Of course I'm kind, I love him, he is a great man. He was struggling all his life with his identity and tried his best to ignore this issue and lead a normal life. If I ask I suppose he'll try to continue with his normal life but I see how much he's willing to transition and I'm hopeful this will make him a happier person. I'm worried what he'll have to face in this process and unkindness he might uncounted. I know he'll fully support me if I was "throwing our life upside down". It's not something he can help himself. I read some of transwiddow's stories. I find a lot of the time the men were not great despite transitioning. The child is of preschool age. If I could stop this I would. I love my life as it is. Is there anyone out there who transitioned and still a co-parent? How does this work.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues?pg=5

You will find knowledgeable and supportive women on this thread. you may have to prepare yourself for a very uncomfortable journey

Honestly, I'd divorce now and prepare for the shitstorm ahead.

As you are not in the UK maybe ask on a forum that can give you advice relevant to the context in which you live.

Is there anyone out there who transitioned and still a co-parent? How does this work

Yes, some men who have an identity crisis later in life are still able to parent their children, but I think you'll need to accept that his priority is going to be himself for the foreseeable future.
Don't have another baby with him whatever you do.

Hi OP, when you say he wants to transition what does that mean? Does he want to take hormones, have surgeries? I think you have to consider your feelings and boundaries in this. If he has bottom surgery, are you alright with your sex life being radically different? Are you comfortable with your relationship being recast as lesbian? Support him, sure, but not at the cost of who you are.

OP, I think you'll find it a very complex process for you. Your emotions and experiences are as important as his and are your prime responsibility. You can't support your DC or husband if you are floundering yourself.

It's a complex and traumatic experience, as you will grieve the loss of the life you expected and the man you knew, the father of your DC. You'll feel angry. Sad. Betrayed. Abandoned.

Reality is he has struggled. Did he deceive you about it?
In any event I would get out now before you are the crutch he leans on whilst he goes through it....it isn't your fault or problem

Sorry that posted far faster than I intended! I didn't have a chance to check if it said what I intended!!

The transwidows are not 'anti-trans' and I find it hugely offensive that anyone thinks it is appropriate or decent to wag fingers at them about how they navigate their own lives and their own experiences. People doing that to them in real life is why they need a supportive space like this.

You will find support on here. What you will tend to find is that we will centre you, OP and not your H. That may mean checking that you are not putting his feelings before your own and not suppressing your own negative emotions. That isn't being anti-anyone, it is being kind to you.

I read some of transwiddow's stories. I find a lot of the time the men were not great despite transitioning.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin the hardest part is that you just cannot predict how the future will be.
It might be that your DH transitioning will be hard. Hard for him, for the family, for you just because the transition will also mean lots of reevaluation of boundaries for both of you. I can’t imagine for example that the roles you have in the family will stay exactly the same.
But it might go smoothly enough so that you can coparent your child etc…

Or it might be that the whole transition will be like opening the Pandora box and he will reveal himself as being a twat - just like the most loving partner suddenly become obnoxious, hard work etc…. after starting an affair/falling out of love/whatever the reasons for a divorce.

The best you can do is remind yourself you need to put yourself FIRST.
You need to put yourself first for yourself and for your dc so that, regardless of will happen, they still have a stable adult parenting them iyswim.

You will find support on here. What you will tend to find is that we will centre you, OP and not your H. That may mean checking that you are not putting his feelings before your own and not suppressing your own negative emotions. That isn't being anti-anyone, it is being kind to you.

YY to that!!

I’d also say that it’s a huge upheaval for you and your child and you might benefit from some RL support - such as counselling - to get more clarity as things unfold.
Your DH will need support as he is transitioning. I imagine (hope!) he will get counselling. You need and deserve the same.

I will say OP, be prepared for your husband to change dramatically. Not just in appearance but also in personality.

I've known 3 married men transition and all have had basically a personality transplant. They were all v involved fathers, good husbands. Since transition they have become very self involved and unkind.

Transition often seems to take precedence over everything else.

Do you know your husbands reasons for transitioning? It will affect how you can manage your relationship and expectations. If for example he is agp that will have a very different set of issues to deal with, than straight forward transition.

@PronounssheRa thank you! I'll look in it now. Oh yes I don't think the journey is going to be comfortable! Trying not to freak out!

@Whatsnewpussyhat yes we can do that but he's still a co-parent... how to navigate that..

@CorrBlimeyGG I know I'm not ready to call available helplines yet.. I was hoping that someone out here who had such an experience could share wisdom.

@TheHoptimist we are in the UK. I'm bracing myself to go to support groups available. All my family is not in the UK though.. that's why I do have support but it's mostly virtual. We haven't yet spoken to family or friends about it.