Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

I think you should choose the second option you've listed: 2. Separate somewhat soon and build new lives for ourselves..

You need to focus on yourself and your child, he must deal with his transition. You can still co-parent effectively, but this is his life choice and he must get on with it. If he's lost and doesn't know where to start, that's not your problem. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't get involved in this.

I would really examine right now whether or not you think the relationship can survive the transition. If it wont, divorcing now will likely be easier for everyone.

From your perspective, it will protect you financially from the costs of medical transition and from the potential spending sprees of a person going through an intense process and starting a wardrobe from scratch. You also won’t be expected to be the main emotional support in a process that you didn’t initiate.

From your husband’s perspective, if he is going to transition, then having each step potentially cause you pain and drive a further wedge into the relationship is going to be traumatic. Letting him go now might actually be the kindest thing you could do.

From your child’s perspective, there are going to be a lot of changes, introducing certainty into the situation will help.

[quote cookiemonster2468]@PronounssheRa

The second comment on this thread was "You are being very kind. Possibly kinder than he deserves."

In the original post, all that OP said about this man is that he's transitioning. There was nothing about his behaviour, anything he's said or done wrong, other than that he's transitioning. This led the second poster on the thread to make a comment that he probably doesn't deserve kindness.

It's not "absolute tosh" that mumsnet is an anti-trans site.[/quote]
Tosh. He married her and had a child despite knowing he wanted to change the very fundamentals on which that marriage was based. She is being too kind.

It is far too late now. It will be far too traumstising and confusing for your child. He needs to put his child first and stop this. That is my opinion. He is putting his own needs first.

Your priority needs to be your child and then you. You cannot let your husband’s crisis screw up your child. I have no idea how you can safely navigate a child through Daddy wanting to be a woman.

And there is no way in hell he should be calling himself Mummy at any point.

OP I think you are saying it's a matter of when rather than if he transitions. Sometimes putting it off is the worst of both worlds - him not being happy and you knowing that you have limited time in this relationship. I certainly would not want that hanging over me. Also, it makes it all about him again which is not a healthy relationship.

It sounds like you only want to stay in the hope that it will stay like this forever but, being honest with yourself, that's not going to happen.

Personally I don't think transitioning will cure his depression. Those that I know are definitely no happier after transitioning. It wasn't the 'cure' they thought it was going to be and now life is so much harder.

DD's friend is a transman with a vagina and is straight. So he is looking for a male life partner who is an actual straight male with a penis but who would also want to be in a relationship with a man. She said her dating choices are vanishingly small and finds the whole thing very depressing.

Anyway, the point is, there's nothing you can do to make him happy so focus on what's best for you and your child and let him get help for himself.

Gender A Wider Lens is a very useful Podcast by 2 very sensitive therapists. There is a lot of information about the whys for families of people who are/have transitioned. Each week they explore a different topic. Take care of yourself.

The paperback of this is due soon, only in hardback at the moment. I remember it got lots of press when it came out last year. You might enjoy reading about someone coparenting in a similar situation.
www.penguin.co.uk/books/111/1117883/some-body-to-love/9781529111460.html

This'll also prove useful for you OP, to read accounts of children of transitioners.

committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/16837/pdf/

stream.org/dad-transgender-still-think-gender-cant-changed/

There is one particular video I'm struggling to find but if I find it I'll come back to share.

It seems quite likely from your posts that you can foresee a separation in your near future - do you have practical things in place in terms of finances, living situation?

The relationships board will be helpful for you I think.

Erin Brewer, linked in a post above, has gender dysphoria that stemmed from sexual assault as a child as well as very negative gender stereotypes directed at her due to the fact she had adhd and so didn't act like a typical girl.

Your Dh needs some serious therapy so that the trauma and harm that he sadly experienced doesn't go any further.

He should read experiences of detransitioners too as many cite the reasons why the transitioned and that it did not help.

@FunnyTalks thank you! That's a very helpful comment! I will talk to him and psychotherapy should be indeed his first step. I don't know what story to tell.. I want to keep talking to DH to understand what it's like. I don't like gender stereotypes and don't like the woman's load that I carry but overall I'm happy with who I am and with how people see me.. I like men who don't transition but instead find their unique style by looking feminine, androgenic, maybe fully like a woman but keeping their male name. I see that they are more comfortable with themselves. I really don't know what it feels like to want to be another gender.. He says he always wanted to be a girl. But he looks and acts like a man and there is nothing feminine about him now. I don't see him at all as a woman. He does look more like a stereotypical man to me. He is also straight and that's not changing. So when he is transitioned that would make him a lesbian I suppose.

@OhHolyJesus thank you for all the links! You are a star!

I don't want people to think he's a pervert, he's disgusting, I'm disgusting for staying with him, people laughing, frowning at us... I know people said many times it's his journey but it's mine too. I am his wife of ex-wife, my child is his child. People would feel sorry for me.. concerned for my child..

You cannot control what people think, get rid of those thoughts because they are never helpful. This isn't about anyone but your family. You can control the boundaries within your family dynamic to work out for the best for all three of you eventually, but absolutely with your child and your own wellbeing as your primary focus in the short term. You can be kind and supportive without compromising your integrity or mental wellbeing, and it genuinely sounds like that's the approach you'd like to take.

I haven't been through this but on a personal level I'd be making it clear that the marriage we had is done and for at least the short term the absolute best we could aim for is a friendly atmosphere for co-parenting. I'd insist on the support mechanisms and finances for transition to be external to the new relationship that you're forging as co-parents.

Long term, make no promises because you have no idea how you'll actually feel when all this starts to happen...and to be fair to your husband, neither does he.

Be clear on your boundaries and enforce them appropriately. Only you can decide what they are so please don't feel coerced into behaviour/actions that you aren't comfortable with - this includes not just your husband and the changes he may request from you, but also from people who may be quite damning of your choice to make an effort to co-parent as harmoniously as possible.

I wish you the very best, I just can't imagine having to deal with something like this

Hi OP, if you are wanting to read about someone who has been where you are, Alexandra Hemmingsley wrote a book about her husband transitioning. She did put a positive spin on it, but many here read it and felt desperately sorry for her. It would probably be useful for you to read early on, as putting someone else's needs first can be a gradual "frog boiling" process where each step seems reasonable, but the end goal is that you are a bit part in the show about them. Whatever you decide, you should have boundaries and red lines in place for what you will and will not accept.

One of our friends/neighbours transitioned about two years ago and this is what I learned from watching that unfold. Decide on limits about how much you are willing to talk about this and be involved. It can dominate life and you are perfectly reasonable to still want to put you and your child first. Personally, I would have nothing to do with going bra shopping or painting nails etc with DH, he would be told that he can knock himself out but I want nothing to do with it. Do not let him mine you for information on being female or play along, if you are uncomfortable, treat it as his hobby and his alone. Our neighbour was thriving on the special attention and it was that demand that she care about every little thing he did that led to the breakdown of their marriage. If DH made such an announcement, that is the only thing that would work for me, I definitely wouldn't be cheerleading for him. I would tolerate but not encourage (but probably leave him, truth be told).

However, I think it is reasonable that you ask your DH to explore counselling about his sexual assault/abuse first. There are different reasons people end up dysphoric, but the trauma response to sexual abuse does seem to be a common theme in de-transitioners who later realise they now have a surgically altered body and all the same issues as before.

Gulp! 😳

My cousin went through similar a few years ago when her husband transitioned. They spent a few months with it just between them, and also received counselling together, and then also with their children, before going more public with it.

Five years on they are honestly the most in love couple of I know. They are re marrying later this year as a same sex relationship. She is a very very strong woman, and I am in awe of her.

@VerveClique thank you! Very sound and wise advice!

OP

You are likely to find that LGBT+ resources are heavy on their focus on DH, and framing this as only a positive thing for both of you, where your expected role is to focus on meeting his needs only, and to expect from you unconditional co operation and support.

This may be how you feel, and that is fine.

The thing is that you do not have to take this script being handed to you, and the 'anti trans' moaning on this thread is because here the main focus is on the woman, the woman's needs and feelings, the woman's right to have boundaries and to be able to talk without being scolded for not centering the TQ+ person. And this is ok . You may need this and if you do, there are a few safe places where you can do this just as there are many safe places where DH can be open about his feelings and needs and be listened to and supported.

It is important to keep remembering the phrase up thread: you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. No matter how cold they feel, no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want to help. You matter in this just as much as he does, and your feelings, your needs, your future, are equally important to his.

Yes, he needs to get assessed by a good therapist that can help him work through his options, needs and help him develop the emotional skills needed for whichever path.

Something I've noticed is that you've said many things along the tune that transitioning should hopefully fix something emotional for him, even listing depression and anxiety.

He should have a solid treatment plan in the works for those and worked on emotional skills well before going onto hormone therapy which should be closer to the end of options than a first step.

Hormone therapy is like going through puberty again in some ways and, like puberty, it has a tendency for a while at least to make emotional dysregulation worse. Multiple types of hormones actually list depression as a contraindication because of the impact they can have and there are a lot pushing for better protection to prevent the harm caused when hormone therapy is used to treat depression, anxiety, trauma dysregulation, and similar.

It's important that he cover his options and those emotional skills needed to go through hormone therapy or any other option well including the potential reality that it doesn't change those underlying feelings. Those are an important points that should be covered if he is deemed suitable for transition (I'm saying if because that's how it was in my day even though I know that's changed a lot now, but a good therapist should consider whether it's the right option without bias as much as possible, it's not right for everyone and can make certain issues worse like gender dysphoria that presents from trauma like I have).

I know people where cross-sex hormones were a great part of improving their wellbeing. I've others who ended up coming off as they can be very taxing on the body & worsened other mental health issues and found other methods to manage - most therapies, for some surgeries were involved and I have other people I cared about who got stuck on the 'one more thing will fix this' treadmill which is heartbreaking because you know they're hurting and they're so convinced of a solution that there is no showing them that there are other options or doing much. I worry from your description OP that your husband is at the start of that - that he's pinned his painful emotions onto this solution which can backfire. He'll likely need good strong guidance to work through that if he's pinned it on for so long to be able to see all the possible options available. Even with gender dysphoria, there are a range of options out there depending on the severity.

Interesting that as a grown man and father he talks about wanting to be a "girl" not a woman. It sounds as though he may be disappointed with the reality as it's all sounding like magical thinking. Also why does he want to identify as a woman. What actual practical difference does he think it will make to his life? What will he be able to do as a transwoman that he can't do as a man?

"Even if he does transition, those issues will still be there. Different clothes, a different name, application of some cosmetics won't address the root-causes of these feelings. They are just the 'veneer' of womanhood in a sexist society."

^This.

Also,"I don't want people to think he's a pervert, he's disgusting, I'm disgusting for staying with him, people laughing, frowning at us..."

I think many trans people think that saying they are really another sex, will reduce the scrutiny, and in a way it does? People in general seem to feel sympathy at the idea of being "born in the wrong body", in a way they don't at "actually, I hate all the stereotypical male bullshit, mens clothes etc, I much prefer the stereotypically female aesthetic and lifestyle".

I think this is causing all kinds of problems. Imagine if when women first started to wear trousers, society had told them, oh, you must identify as a man, and have medical intervention first, or you'll be ridiculed and possibly attacked.

I hope you and your dh ultimately find support, and peace. And as pp said, don't feel guilty in taking a step back or walking away, if/when it all gets too much, your dc needs at least parent whose mental health is up to the task of parenting, and counselling may open a nasty can of worms, if your theory that he was abused, is true.

Sexual trauma and autism appear with alarming regularity in transitioners, alongside being raised in an environment where a child was shamed for being gender non-conforming. Therapy is what is needed here and not the kind that is immediately affirming but rather the type that will explore past wounds and explore your husband's thinking on what it means to be 'a man'.

@HopefulProcrastinator thank you very much for your kind comment. I agree!

I endorse the comments which say it's a rocky road ahead but all is not lost.
You'll need to be strong to cope with 'the looks' and maybe some friends falling away.
Would you be comfortable being out and about with your DH dressed as a female but still recognisable as a man? Having to get used to a female name and the extremes of make-up, jewellery, false nails and clothes on a man can be a bit unnerving.
Bottom surgery is another hurdle.
Yes, it will be a huge impact on your life as you now know it and you'll need support for yourself.
I've seen this first hand with a one-time friend whose DH transitioned and I couldn't visit any more. I found it weird and uncomfortable as, no matter that he had the full monty, she still looked like a man in drag to me, and not an attractive drag act anyway. I actually think drag acts look fabulous in a way that trans men/women don't.
I hope you make decisions that are most comfortable for you, as it's a life changing set if circumstances.
Best wishes 🤞💐🙂

Before you fall all over yourself to make it as easy for him as possible, I'd consider if he would be as understanding if the roles were reversed.

Do not lose yourself and the wellbeing of your child to his 'journey.'