Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

What continent do you live in OP?

If you do go to support groups, don't go with him because all they will do is pander to him and ignore you and your needs.

@WeeBisom at the moment he wants hormone therapy and looking more female. He doesn't want radical surgeries yet. I have to see to decide whether sexually he's still going to do it for me. He's a very good lover and I love his body now.. I don't know if I'll like what he'll look like in the future. I might I might not. I am bisexual but prefer men. I did say to him that most likely I won't stay but we are family and parents and I will still love him and fully support. I guess if I am to leave and find someone else it's better to do it sooner than later but maybe for our child it's best if we stay as a traditional couple for as long as possible. I want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...

In your shoes I would be ending the romantic/sexual relationship NOW and going to straight to the co-parenting as separated parents part. I could support him much in his transition if any prospect of me adapting my own sexual preferences and my own identity to accommodate his ´new’ or ´newly embraced’ identity was taken out of the equation. And I’d still be angry and feel humiliated that I had been lied to or used to cover up his true feelings. But I might be able to get past that if any pressure to change myself was avoided.

What a selfish man-how does he think this is going to affect his child.

He may as well howl at the moon as want to become a woman-the best he can be is a transwoman and that is not the same thing at all.

Time for him to stop putting his fantasy first and put his child first and, honestly, if he couldn't do that and he was my husband, I'd divorce him.

Stop trying to be so cool and put your child first because this bumping weight prick thinks he comes before his child.

I would also be making it abundantly clear that he doesn’t get to be ´mum’ of any kind to our child. He can be ´dad’ and a transwomen. Or any kind of ´aunty’ or other name for a female relative, but he’s never going to be ´mum’.

@picklemewalnuts yes definitely, I'm still in the denial phase tbh.. I am bracing myself to what's coming and will get counseling for myself. Gosh who knew my life would be that interesting! This couldn't have been written but a family friend back home is transitioning too and everyone is talking about it so it's an excuse for me yo talk to my family about the subject without raising suspicion. He's married but no kids and younger.

I'm sorry for your situation OP - that is a very difficult thing to go through.

I wouldn't recommend mumsnet as the best place to get a balanced answer on a query like this.

Are there any organisations or charities local to you that support LGBT+ people and their partners/ families? That might be a good first port of call for advice, as they will be used to supporting situations like this. I'd also recommend some counselling.

Good luck and I hope you work out what is right for you all.

@Sunflowergirl1 well he did open up about it only after we got married. I guess he was trying to live a normal life and suppress his feelings. He did tell me many times long time ago but I wasn't prepare to take it on seriously and wished it would go away. Anyway that's in the past and what happened happened we are where we are now.

I think I'd start the divorce process now. He has been clear that he intends to transition, which is his choice. But I don't think it follows that you have to live with the transitioned version of your husband. Things are going to get more stressful in the coming time - identities will change, money will be tighter, priorities will be different. It'll be confusing for your child. You're better off drawing a line under the marriage now and leaving you both off to make your new lives.

As your child is so young OP have you been able to talk about what you plan to do there as you co-parent going forward (whether you remain married or not).

Is you child going to refer to his or her father as Daddy or is there an expectation from your partner to change that? What would it change to?

As others have suggested I would read more of the trans widows threads, stories and resources. This is a very specific situation, as a PP says, to prepare for a tricky time ahead, but please prioritise yourself and your child. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

If surgery was on the cards - actually even if it's not - I would personally be thinking about whether I could maintain a healthy sex life (healthy as in mentally, emotionally and physically) with the man I was in a relationship with, if he intends to dress as the opposite sex. Do you think you could engage in sexual with him if he was imagining himself as a woman having sex? If he intends to invert his penis then that is even harder to navigate. Could you be in a celibate marriage? Could you have an open marriage? It's possible, couples do it, but it might not be what you imagined for your future.

Some of the sexual experiences of trans widows are very harrowing to read. It might not be possible for you to be happy in this relationship going forward and if that's the case it's better to be honest about that, early on, rather than drag it out IYSWIM.

This is so very difficult, it's a lot to deal with, I can only imagine it's a type of grief - I've always thought that's why the partners of men 'transitioning' are called trans widows.

@lifeissweet and @FOJN thank you! Yes I do want to be centered:) I'll check the tread for TransWidows. It's a lot to navigate and my foremost concern is my child tbh.

I agree with pp.

I would separate now. He obviously has a lot to go through and rediscover himself. Let him work out who he is while you regain your independence.

If, after he’s transitioned, you find this new person attractive and want to reestablish the relationship, you can figure that out.

He needs to do this by himself. There’s lots of support out there for him.

@SevenWaystoLeave

OP, this is an anti-trans board and you will get no meaningful support here, just people determined to villify your husband and to encourage you to do likewise - you've already been scolded for wanting to be kind, and look at the tone of the comments starting to appear. I strongly encourage you to seek support elsewhere.

Absolute tosh. I see posters encouraging the OP to center herself and her own feelings. Women supporting women is not anti trans.

I think we should all respect the lived experience of trans widows.

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

What a difficult situation OP.

@CuntAmongstThePigeons yes very good point about him being very focused on his transitioning and potentially becoming too egotistic. I think his personality ought to change in the process. But I'm also hoping it might resolve his anxiety and depression and maybe make him a happier person in the end. I think he might have suffered childhood sexual assault from a female. But I'm not 100%. I'm worried that transitioning won't help him feel better and he will be absolutely lost. I also realize that despite what caused the desire to transition doesn't change the fact that he wants to. He said he wanted to be a girl from as long as he can remember himself. I want to talk to him more to really understand it because I don't at the moment. I really wish he was "normal" and this wouldn't have happened. But I started this thread because I feel I can no longer be in denial.

For all the reasons already stated above, I'd get yourself out of the marriage as soon as you can.

Even if DH turns out to be OK as a woman, he won't be the man you married.

Your DS can have two "mums", or whatever, and he can go and stay with his "other mother" just like any child sees both parents when parents don't live together, but for your own sake, leave the relationship.

You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else happy OP

Your DH may or may not be happy if he transitions but that is his journey to go on, not yours. You need to look after yourself and your DC.

Have you discussed with him how he sees the future panning out?

Your husband is on his own journey and is clearly putting himself, his feelings and wellbeing at the centre of his priorities and actions now. His future is framed by this focus.

There is absolutely no reason why you should not also do the same. For yourself and your child.

You did not take the decision to change your relationship or life in this way and you weren’t asked permission beforehand either.

So whilst of course it is understandable that you wish to be supportive to a person you love, you do not need to de-prioritise yourself in terms of the support you need right now, or decisions you take.

This change was imposed upon you, but nobody, including your husband, gets to decide how you mange it moving forward. I wish you luck.

But, fuck that, we should just be kind!

Yes, god forbid someone should want to be kind to someone they love.

Do you see, OP?

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Yes I understand there is nothing to stop him so I'm trying to navigate this future. I have no family around at all, but should be okay if divorcing as I work full time. He earns enough to save for required medical treatments. Of course I'm kind, I love him, he is a great man. He was struggling all his life with his identity and tried his best to ignore this issue and lead a normal life. If I ask I suppose he'll try to continue with his normal life but I see how much he's willing to transition and I'm hopeful this will make him a happier person. I'm worried what he'll have to face in this process and unkindness he might uncounted. I know he'll fully support me if I was "throwing our life upside down". It's not something he can help himself. I read some of transwiddow's stories. I find a lot of the time the men were not great despite transitioning. The child is of preschool age. If I could stop this I would. I love my life as it is. Is there anyone out there who transitioned and still a co-parent? How does this work.

If he has gender dysphoria has he seen experts who work with people with this condition? There's a growing body of research indicating that transition doesn't make a lot of people happier. The numbers of detransitioners are high.

I've been in a relationship for 23 years and I wouldn't necessarily support my partner if she was to throw our lives upside down and I wouldn't necessarily expect her to support me if I did likewise. Things need to be negotiated and you need to start putting plans in place to secure the future for yourself and your child. That might involve ring-fencing finances, putting money away where only you can get at it and working out how you can escape the situation if/ when you need to.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Whatsnewpussyhat yes we can do that but he's still a co-parent... how to navigate that..[/quote]
Like any other separated couple. You split finances and share childcare. I would do this as early as possible in order to limit the disruption to you and your child. Keep it friendly and work together to co-parent your child.