Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

Also OP, there are a number of posters on this board who are the children of transitioned men. Hopefully they'll be along soon, so they can give you a first hand account of what it was like to have a father who transitioned.

I do think you may have to acknowledge that this will be damaging for your child, BUT there are ways to mitigate that damage and navigate this difficult time as best as possible.

@OhHolyJesus I don't think I'll stay if it's not a full marriage. I won't be up for an open or sexless marriage. I don't care much about what our child is going to call him.. he is bilingual and there are plenty of words that are not Mum or Dad he could use to make it special and mean parent. But what it's going to be like for my child to be raised by a dad who looks somewhat like a female and is know as "she". I can't imagine. I hope liberal society will raise new generation so that he won't be bullied and be somewhat cool with what his dad is.. but I might be way too optimistic about that. That's why I want to hear stories of other mums and their children native ting this. I understand that everyone story is unique.

@SevenWaystoLeave

But, fuck that, we should just be kind!

Yes, god forbid someone should want to be kind to someone they love.

Do you see, OP?

Very much at their own expense though. As another poster has very correctly said, he's doing his own thing now and is starting on a journey that he has chosen regardless of the consequences for the OP and their child. And there will, of course, be serious consequences. But she needs to know that you don't have live on someone else's terms.

There was nothing about his behaviour, anything he's said or done wrong, other than that he's transitioning.

....and the OP is trying to find ways to deal with the consequences of his decision. It isn't consequence-free. It isn't simple, either practically or emotionally for the OP or her child.

I think PPs are right, you need to end your relationship as it is, because it won't be the same going forward and that's OK. It's not because either of you is in the wrong, it's just that supporting him through his transition and managing your daily life is going to be more straightforward if there isn't an added layer of personal feelings of betrayal or confusion or abandonment and so on.

"We haven't yet spoken to family or friends about it."
It's very gracious of you to take this on as your responsibility.
You mean 'I haven't told any of my family or friends that my husband is transitioning to female' and also
'my husband hasn't told any of his friends or family that he's transitioning to become a female'.

So currently you are both holding this burden of secrecy and thus cannot access support until you let go some of that.

@Theeyeballsinthesky we are just started talking and planning.. he's also quite lost and doesn't know where to start. He said he loves me very much and if I want he can try to further hold this off.. Problem is I love my marriage and my life now and I don't want to leave until things do start to change. I think realistically it's going to be years ahead till they will...

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@OhHolyJesus I don't think I'll stay if it's not a full marriage. I won't be up for an open or sexless marriage. I don't care much about what our child is going to call him.. he is bilingual and there are plenty of words that are not Mum or Dad he could use to make it special and mean parent. But what it's going to be like for my child to be raised by a dad who looks somewhat like a female and is know as "she". I can't imagine. I hope liberal society will raise new generation so that he won't be bullied and be somewhat cool with what his dad is.. but I might be way too optimistic about that. That's why I want to hear stories of other mums and their children native ting this. I understand that everyone story is unique.[/quote]
You sound like a wonderful parent OP, your concern for your child in navigating this is palpable.

I hope your husband is demonstrating the same concern and putting as much effort into thinking about the impact on his child and what he needs to be doing to limit distress or the future issues you raise.

If he is not, if his child is not his priority right now then I think that may help you in terms of framing your future relationship with him as co-parents.

@Pluvia he hasn't seen anyone about it now and yes I agree this will be the first step. I wish he would go out of therapy saying oh I was wrong I don't want to transition now.. but I don't think it's going to happen..

Maybe do a lot of reading from the easy to the most difficult experiences and then you will get a sense of what to expect and also how others’ experiences fit into your own set up. Counselling for yourself to work out your negotiables and boundaries. It strikes me as similar to an affair ie the marriage and family are irrevocably changed and you are the one this is happening to rather than the instigator. Finding out what you want and standing up for that is the most important thing.

Good luck OP. Tinsel & the other ladies on the Transwidow support thread will be of great help I am sure.

@CuntAmongstThePigeons oh that would be even better! Again everyone has their own story.. I really wish this wasn't happening but it is and I need to protect my child. I do think about myself too. I put my child first, then myself in this situation. I think ultimately there are 2 scenarios that are possible:

1. Hold off transitioning for many years till the child is old enough to process and understand, in the meantime DH can live as a woman privately somewhat. Benefits would be a relatively happy childhood without the stress of dealing with a parent that's "different from the norm". Cons we'll be both old when divorcing and might not find other partners
2. Separate somewhat soon and build new lives for ourselves..

Third option where he transitions and we stay together would be an exception that I don't need to plan for..

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@CuntAmongstThePigeons yes very good point about him being very focused on his transitioning and potentially becoming too egotistic. I think his personality ought to change in the process. But I'm also hoping it might resolve his anxiety and depression and maybe make him a happier person in the end. I think he might have suffered childhood sexual assault from a female. But I'm not 100%. I'm worried that transitioning won't help him feel better and he will be absolutely lost. I also realize that despite what caused the desire to transition doesn't change the fact that he wants to. He said he wanted to be a girl from as long as he can remember himself. I want to talk to him more to really understand it because I don't at the moment. I really wish he was "normal" and this wouldn't have happened. But I started this thread because I feel I can no longer be in denial.[/quote]
Has he had any counselling to try and deal with the sexual assault he suffered? I would be looking at that before starting on life altering medications and procedures.

I would encourage your partner to access good quality psychotherapy. Not with the aim of stopping the transition - he is an adult who can do as he pleases with his body - but with the aim of coming to terms with whatever is in his past before making decisions about his body that he can't undo.

I have researched many stories by adult transitioners (I think it is really important to read what is written by those who hold different beliefs to me) and they almost always contain patriarchal attitudes, homophobia or abuse. Sometimes quite brutal.

It is great you are thinking about how co parenting will affect your child. One really important factor is your child is young. What will you tell them? Female partners of transwomen that I know of have really struggled with how the father's story of transition undermines their attempts to bring up their child in a more gender neutral way. Anything you tell the child about smashing gender stereotypes risks being undone by their father performing the opposite. Very small children will of course believe anything you, or he, tell them. But if they are not told the truth, you risk undermining their trust in you in the long run. You and your partner may well disagree on what constitutes "the truth". Does your partner believe they were "born in the wrong body" for example, or that they will truly change sex? Important to note not all trans people believe these things.

Best of luck op. Please please look after yourself.

You and your child are the priority. DH can go on his own journey that you can be supportive of, but not at the cost of your emotional and mental wellbeing.

A common theme in many transwidows stories is how self-centred their transitioning partners became. Like many PP I think it would be wise to separate now before that is an issue, and co-parent from the start.

I wish you strength and support.

I'm glad you have some family you can talk to OP, even through the vehicle of discussing a similar situation for a family friend, I hope this is some comfort for you.

As for resources that may help (though I don't think there are many positive aspects of the experiences of these women), I share the following:

Tracy Shannon

Jennifer

Ute

Children of Transitioners

childrenoftransitioners.org/
(Though I consider it biased I would also suggest watching When Mum Becomes Dad on BBC and When Dad Became Charlotte).

It may be that you are comfortable with your child calling your partner their mother or a similar name, your child may not be though. The role your partner has had as a parent is as a father, not a mother, and this could be confusing and distressing to your child. As they are young it may not be so difficult to change this now but it may become apparent later on, perhaps in teenage years that there was an impact on your child that was not considered at the time. Personally I would not have anyone take away from my role as mother. Even Caitlin Jenner has the children call Jenner Dad. I would consider this very carefully in advance if coming to some arrangement. The role your partner has as Dad is significant to your child and it may be in your child's best interest not to change this in any way, esp as so much is about to change from the sounds of it.

I have no 1st hand experience. But can see how one of the many emotions you will feel is the "loss" of your husband which in a way will be a type of bereavement for you. I think yes support him but please do not put your own emotions to one side in this. As yes even with being bi you may not fancy or even like the woman he wants to become. Please dont feel by leaving your not supportive you can still supportive him as a friend and co parent together but by transitioning he is no longer the mad you fell in love with and married. This does not make you antitrans people split up all the time because one side of hte relationship has changed due to a major life event.

This has been written from the experience of a child with a parent who transitioned.

It's very to the point around how they therefore experienced a particular type of abuse as a result.

I'd read it and probably ask your Dh to and reflect on potential damage.

childrenoftransitioners.org/

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Theeyeballsinthesky we are just started talking and planning.. he's also quite lost and doesn't know where to start. He said he loves me very much and if I want he can try to further hold this off.. Problem is I love my marriage and my life now and I don't want to leave until things do start to change. I think realistically it's going to be years ahead till they will...[/quote]
Mean while you are left in limbo. This sounds very similar to when people talk about waiting for their DH to make a decision if they are staying or leaving with the OW. Be careful it doesn’t fall into that pattern of behaviour.

Option 2 looks much, much better for all three of you. The adults get to live lives that make them happy and fulfilled, and your child won't grow up with a Big Secret in the family that will cause unexplained tension during childhood and a massive shock and feeling of betrayal and being lied to when they find out.

You love your life and marriage but clearly he doesn’t and he is unhappy. He thinks that transitioning to be a woman will make him happy but I can’t see how. All he can do is to take hormones and surgery and clothing etc that give him more of an appearance of being a woman but you both know he will always be a man so what he wants is not possible. It sounds like he is traumatised which is not uncommon in individuals wanting to be a member of the opposite sex. I think he needs professional therapy and you need to prioritise your well-being and both of you obviously need to prioritise your son in all of this.

In your position, whilst protecting myself, I would encourage my DH to fully explore why he feels like this. You mention potential issues in childhood and ongoing low mood. Perhaps addressing those things, coming to terms with them, finding new ways to live (comfortable in his skin as a man), may reduce your DH's desire to see transitioning as the solution. Even if he does transition, those issues will still be there. Different clothes, a different name, application of some cosmetics won't address the root-causes of these feelings. They are just the 'veneer' of womanhood in a sexist society.

I would be encouraging him to be a different kind of man. You want to change career love? Do that. You want to dress differently? Do that then. You want to move, or have different friends? Try that. Hell - you want to sleep with other people, or other men - do those things if they may you happy - I may or may not stick around to see them.

I wonder if transitioning is sometimes seen as the 'obvious' thing to do, the 'brave' thing. But do transitioners paint themselves into a corner? Maybe. It's tough to do a u-turn. Therapy and self-work are difficult, and I can't see how these can go any more smoothly with the added complications of transition.

In any case, I would be protecting myself and my DC socially and economically for the future - whatever happens to your relationship.

Good luck OP.

I would also suggest that transition isn't the only way to deal with dysphoria if that's what he has.

He needs to work out if it's gender dysphoria or AGP.

I don't think it's same as having an affair.. I view it as having a life altering medical diagnosis.. say if he would to become severely disabled would I leave him or stay.. Honestly if I wasn't scared of neighbours, friends and strangers judgement, bullying at school, etc this would have been a much easier journey to navigate. I don't want people to think he's a pervert, he's disgusting, I'm disgusting for staying with him, people laughing, frowning at us... I know people said many times it's his journey but it's mine too. I am his wife of ex-wife, my child is his child. People would feel sorry for me.. concerned for my child..

@RoyKentsChestHair not at all... he didn't tell me about the assault but I suspect it from certain things I heard him say that won't make sense otherwise.. but I may be wrong