Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

Including transgender ones

You speak for yourself alone when you say that, Dogs and Gin. Don't try and force-team me.

By waiting, you're choosing to take an increased risk of staying single/unmarried. Whereas if you divorced now you'd be free to seek another partner sooner, reducing the chances that you'll be alone due to being unable to find someone suitable.

This is such a good point that it's worth repeating.

He has to be true to himself, OP, but your desires for your life count as much as his. If they don't align, you get no reward for giving him your best years.

On the subject of kindness: I don't consider it kind to marry under false pretences. If a person has identity issues I think this should be confessed at the engagement stage at the latest. Everyone is entitled to their privacy but equally everyone is entitled to fully understand who they're marrying! That OPs H didn't do this, I consider to be voiding the marriage vows. OP didn't marry someone with gender identity issues, as far as she knew. If she had known in advance, she may not have chosen to marry. He removed that choice from her when he chose not to tell her.

@WildPoinsettia

On the subject of kindness: I don't consider it kind to marry under false pretences. If a person has identity issues I think this should be confessed at the engagement stage at the latest. Everyone is entitled to their privacy but equally everyone is entitled to fully understand who they're marrying! That OPs H didn't do this, I consider to be voiding the marriage vows. OP didn't marry someone with gender identity issues, as far as she knew. If she had known in advance, she may not have chosen to marry. He removed that choice from her when he chose not to tell her.

Quite.

You can't say 'i knew i was a girl all my life' after you decide to transition when you've already married someone.

You've lied to them, mislead them and potentially ruined their life.

Whatever your reason for not being honest, its just not fair to do that to someone else. Its grossly selfish and unexcusable IMHO.

@WildPoinsettia

On the subject of kindness: I don't consider it kind to marry under false pretences. If a person has identity issues I think this should be confessed at the engagement stage at the latest. Everyone is entitled to their privacy but equally everyone is entitled to fully understand who they're marrying! That OPs H didn't do this, I consider to be voiding the marriage vows. OP didn't marry someone with gender identity issues, as far as she knew. If she had known in advance, she may not have chosen to marry. He removed that choice from her when he chose not to tell her.

Very good point.

OP you said I like men who don't transition but instead find their unique style by looking feminine, androgenic, maybe fully like a woman but keeping their male name. I see that they are more comfortable with themselves.

I think this describes where my line in the sand would be. Sure it might be odd walking down the street together if my husband did this, but I'd happily face the world with him (and I've had many friends in the past who did not dress at all conventionally).

I think it is harder to face the world with someone, and for someone, if that someone is asking you to deny something about yourself. I couldn't pretend my husband's experiences were women's experiences. I would feel he had disregarded all he knows has happened to me.

Actually op I believe there are some transwomen who happily describe themselves as male. I wish I could remember their names!

Does your husband work? Would transitioning have an effect on that.

I know someone whose husband transitioned and quit working because they were a teacher and didn’t feel they could continue, and has locked themselves away from the world. Wife works long hours in a stressful job. They don’t do anything as a family as I think the husbands transition wasn’t as successful/convincing as they imagined.

@Fluffymule

Your husband is on his own journey and is clearly putting himself, his feelings and wellbeing at the centre of his priorities and actions now. His future is framed by this focus.

There is absolutely no reason why you should not also do the same. For yourself and your child.

You did not take the decision to change your relationship or life in this way and you weren’t asked permission beforehand either.

So whilst of course it is understandable that you wish to be supportive to a person you love, you do not need to de-prioritise yourself in terms of the support you need right now, or decisions you take.

This change was imposed upon you, but nobody, including your husband, gets to decide how you mange it moving forward. I wish you luck.

This

I think you are being very kind, I myself would feel very deceived. The future you imagined has changed and the person you were attracted to.
I personally would be thinking of divorce asap.

I don't think he is a nice man at all. He married you and had a child whilst all the while knowing this would be a possibility one day and not for one minute considering the impact that would have on a partner or a kid. That's selfish at the worst extreme. I would literally walk over fired coals for my kids and on many occasions put their needs first. This is one of those occasions. He needs to man up - literally

I want to reiterate what others have said about centring yourself. And I am glad to hear you want to do that.

It doesn't matter whether a woman is married to a recovering addict, someone transitioning or someone with any other consuming issue. The role of the woman is not to lose herself by thinking her existence is now being ' supportive' and 'kind'.

You matter and your role is to centre yourself and your child.

I would absolutely not recommend going to one of the LGBT charities for support. They will exist entirely to centre the transitioning person and not you. You need support for you.

@SevenWaystoLeave

But, fuck that, we should just be kind!

Yes, god forbid someone should want to be kind to someone they love.

Do you see, OP?

Stop it!

You know full well that the comment about "being Kind" was to help OP see that she doesn't have to sublimate herself in her DHs transition. She IS allowed to find any part of the changes in their relationship distasteful, unhappy, not to her liking, etc. She can still love him and not lose herself in his unhappiness. He is the one changing their relationship, he needs to work through that. And OP has very right to work through it her own way for her own happiness.

You may think you are beng even handed but you are really not. You are enforcing a message OP is already hearing, inisde and out. One that she may not be happy with as time passes. She doesn't need to be told to shut up, put up and get back in her box. She needs to know that whatever she chooses will be OK, acceptable, right for her. And that she can change her mind whenever she pleases.

So he knew he wanted to be a woman but still got married and had a child? I'd be so hurt by this, he's basically turned your lives upside down, yet you are being nice about it? I'd be thinking about myself and my child, you are the priority not him. To me this is worst than cheating, he's lied all along and let you build a life on that lie. He could have told the truth and saved ruining 2 other people's lives but he chose not to. I'd be sorting out a divorce ASAP.

Hold off transitioning for many years till the child is old enough to process and understand, in the meantime DH can live as a woman privately somewhat. Benefits would be a relatively happy childhood without the stress of dealing with a parent that's "different from the norm". Cons we'll be both old when divorcing and might not find other partners

I personally think this is likely to be much worse for the child. The older they are, the more they bond with the Father and the greater that loss is when that Father disappears. It is not ' the same person' after tranistioning and its gaslighting the child to tell them it is. The transition does change the person and how others respond to them, that is the whole point of transition. And it will be the same for the child. There was a documentary about mothers who transitioned and it was heart-breaking to see the affect this had on a teenage daughter - she was having her own therapy to cope with it.

I’m a child of a MtF transitioner, though I’m now an adult child!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask and good luck with everything x

I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows

I think you have a great attitude and I think this is the best way to be. As you say you probably don’t stay with him but you never know.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned but someone transitioning can have a massive impact on other people and people have compared it to feeling like someone has died where you have to grieve for that person. Sometimes the person transitioning doesn’t understand that as they are ‘still there’ so this can create arguments and tension.

Often people’s personalities change once they’ve transitioned too so this is something you need to be prepared for.

If you’ve ever heard of the show keeping up with the kardashians I recommend you watch the ‘all about Bruce’ episodes as this speaks about transitioning and sees it from both sides so it may help in some way.

If not an affair - similar but not the same in that he has moved the goalposts in a marriage unilaterally - then maybe in terms of him saying he has new job in a very new and different country with lots of opportunities for him but requiring you to be what diplomats used to call "a trailing wife" ie having to accept something you aren't sure about and has some obvious drawbacks/unknowns. So you have to work out whether you want to go too on the journey and how far or with what conditions. But once the subject - complete upheaval in the marriage/family - has been mentioned it will be there in the middle of your relationship. If he is unhappy now then trying to keep up appearances for the sake of something temporary will be even harder.
And it's hard to second-guess what your child will think now or as they get older. Perhaps working out the co-parenting ideas first off would help so you know where and how you meet over the care of your child whatever your DH does or doesn't do or how he changes himself

@LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin

Yes I understand there is nothing to stop him so I'm trying to navigate this future. I have no family around at all, but should be okay if divorcing as I work full time. He earns enough to save for required medical treatments. Of course I'm kind, I love him, he is a great man. He was struggling all his life with his identity and tried his best to ignore this issue and lead a normal life. If I ask I suppose he'll try to continue with his normal life but I see how much he's willing to transition and I'm hopeful this will make him a happier person. I'm worried what he'll have to face in this process and unkindness he might uncounted. I know he'll fully support me if I was "throwing our life upside down". It's not something he can help himself. I read some of transwiddow's stories. I find a lot of the time the men were not great despite transitioning. The child is of preschool age. If I could stop this I would. I love my life as it is. Is there anyone out there who transitioned and still a co-parent? How does this work.

My friends husband transitioned during their marriage. She said had she of known she’d of never married him.

Sadly it caused many problems. They are still married but very unhappy. They do parent very successfully though. But their relationship changed irrecoverably

Wish I had a better answer to your question.

@racingnowhere

I want to reiterate what others have said about centring yourself. And I am glad to hear you want to do that.

It doesn't matter whether a woman is married to a recovering addict, someone transitioning or someone with any other consuming issue. The role of the woman is not to lose herself by thinking her existence is now being ' supportive' and 'kind'.

You matter and your role is to centre yourself and your child.

I would absolutely not recommend going to one of the LGBT charities for support. They will exist entirely to centre the transitioning person and not you. You need support for you.

This.

From observation, I can tell you that no-one is going to tell your spouse to centre you. There will be many people clamouring to tell you how you can be more supportive of your spouse, but it won't go the other way.

The only person who may centre your needs is you, so you had better step up for yourself

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@WeeBisom at the moment he wants hormone therapy and looking more female. He doesn't want radical surgeries yet. I have to see to decide whether sexually he's still going to do it for me. He's a very good lover and I love his body now.. I don't know if I'll like what he'll look like in the future. I might I might not. I am bisexual but prefer men. I did say to him that most likely I won't stay but we are family and parents and I will still love him and fully support. I guess if I am to leave and find someone else it's better to do it sooner than later but maybe for our child it's best if we stay as a traditional couple for as long as possible. I want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...[/quote]
But he isn’t, and never can be, your child’s mum. That’s your role. If he expects your child to call him mum, that’s gaslighting on an horrendous scale. To expect a child to deny the reality of their own father. That’s verging on emotional abuse.

“ I think he might have suffered childhood sexual assault from a female.”

Perhaps, if he has not already done so, it would help him a great deal if he were to get expert therapeutic help for this - regardless
of his transition plans .

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who believes being a woman is something that can be picked up and put on. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who denies biological reality. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who regards being female as being a bunch a feminine stereotypes. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted to frame our relationship as a same sex relationship. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wanted my child to call a male born person female.
But I am not you OP. You need decide what your lines in the sand are.

@picklemewalnuts

There's a 'transwidows' support thread around here, somewhere.

You are being very kind. Possibly kinder than he deserves. If you were to reframe it, if it were you who was turning everything upside down, would you be as kind to yourself?

Kinder than he deserves?! wtf

You sound really smart and you are really trying to find your way through a difficult situation with grace and positivity. Try to read as much (from both sides) as you can, if you can find some RL support through therapy for you do it (stick to conventional therapists though). You are going to need to be strong and make some tough decisions and be as prepared as you can. Your husband is in control of himself and his decisions but those choices will ultimately effect you. Best of luck and take good care of yourself.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@FunnyTalks thank you! That's a very helpful comment! I will talk to him and psychotherapy should be indeed his first step. I don't know what story to tell.. I want to keep talking to DH to understand what it's like. I don't like gender stereotypes and don't like the woman's load that I carry but overall I'm happy with who I am and with how people see me.. I like men who don't transition but instead find their unique style by looking feminine, androgenic, maybe fully like a woman but keeping their male name. I see that they are more comfortable with themselves. I really don't know what it feels like to want to be another gender.. He says he always wanted to be a girl. But he looks and acts like a man and there is nothing feminine about him now. I don't see him at all as a woman. He does look more like a stereotypical man to me. He is also straight and that's not changing. So when he is transitioned that would make him a lesbian I suppose.[/quote]
A lesbian is female. A transwoman who is attracted to females is heterosexual. A transman who is attracted to men is heterosexual.
Homosexuality is same sex attraction. Claiming that a trans person who is attracted to someone of the opposite sex is somehow now gay is homophobic because it implies that one’s sexual,orientation is a choice.