Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

"I don't like gender stereotypes and don't like the woman's load that I carry"

"But he looks and acts like a man and there is nothing feminine about him now."

This seems to be fairly common, transwomen who want to look female, but will still retain their male entitlement, and expect their wife to continue to do all the wife work (while they flounce about looking fabulous). It's like some want to have their cake, and eat it too, and I can understand why many trans widows get totally fed up with it.

@Artichokeleaves

OP

You are likely to find that LGBT+ resources are heavy on their focus on DH, and framing this as only a positive thing for both of you, where your expected role is to focus on meeting his needs only, and to expect from you unconditional co operation and support.

This may be how you feel, and that is fine.

The thing is that you do not have to take this script being handed to you, and the 'anti trans' moaning on this thread is because here the main focus is on the woman, the woman's needs and feelings, the woman's right to have boundaries and to be able to talk without being scolded for not centering the TQ+ person. And this is ok . You may need this and if you do, there are a few safe places where you can do this just as there are many safe places where DH can be open about his feelings and needs and be listened to and supported.

It is important to keep remembering the phrase up thread: you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. No matter how cold they feel, no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want to help. You matter in this just as much as he does, and your feelings, your needs, your future, are equally important to his.

What a lovely post. Couldn’t agree more.

I don't understand the details of this but if he is feeling not fully male and partly female is there a possibility of hormones to reinforce his maleness and make him more stable?
Maleness must have been dominant in the earlier part of his life.

Bless you. This is tricky. I don’t think your child will be bullied or traumatised.

And I think, in regard to whether or not to stay together, play it by ear and see if it still works after the transition.

Be completely open and frank with each other throughout, and maybe try and take the seriousness out of the topic - laugh at each other, lovingly, as much as possible.

Seconded, fabulous post. Yes, TQ+ groups will support the husband but offer nothing for the wife. That's where Mumsnet comes in. We support women.

I don't like gender stereotypes and don't like the woman's load that I carry

If he wants to be a woman, why isn't he carrying this load with you?

OP you need to put yourself first. I would start the process of separation now. You do not owe it to him to be overly supportive or involved. Your future and your child's should be your priority.

Whatever happens, however he organises this it will take over your family life. It will Rule and dominate his life for the next Five Years perhaps longer.
At some point his needs will overwhelm your life probably before the end of summer. Separation will have to happen unless you want to become a UK pioneer?

@cookiemonster2468

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I said 'possibly' kinder than he deserves.

He has chosen to marry, father a dc, then transition. I don't need to know details of his behaviour to recognise that it isn't kind to deny his wife the husband she married, or his child the father he should have. OP expressed no anger at the situation, just concern for him. That is 'possibly' too kind. I reserve my kindness for her. She will be carrying the bigger share of responsibility for their family life going forward, as he focuses on the changes he wants to make and she negotiates how to make things work. It's inevitable. He has positioned her into the supportive partner and parent role. Whether she likes it or not.

I wonder if until it becomes clear how this will play out at this stage you can just look at difference perspectives?

I don’t have direct experience myself at all but have read some transwidow threads
Which are very supportive and I think it would def be helpful to get yourself on them.

There is a woman from Brighton who released a book recently about what sounds like quite a similar situation and I understand that she feels like she is successfully co-parenting. I have not read the book but have read some other stuff on trans issues from her and my superficial view is that she has possibly gone full trans rights as a way of protecting herself - but i think she would disagree and maybe in her individual situation it worked for her and that could work for you.

I would suggest at the moment as others have said the key thing is for you to think about how you and your child will approach this and. I’ve forward - not about what you need to do to look after your husband. That’s up tp him. It’s up to you to look after you and your child.

The book is Alexander H that about a million other people above have already referred to before you go searching for another one!!!

As a little comment re the poster who said her cousin (?) who stayed with her partner is very strong - that may totally be right and the right thing for her - but I think the key thing is to realise that “being strong” doesn’t always mean you have to stay and be your husbands cheerleader. Being strong means working out what works for you and your child.

I guess if I am to leave and find someone else it's better to do it sooner than later but maybe for our child it's best if we stay as a traditional couple for as long as possible

Your best chance of successful co-parenting is to divorce now, before your relationship is undermined by the challenges of transitioning. I don't doubt that your DH is in pain, and that he feels that transitioning is the way through. But you need to protect yourself and your DS. Do not become your DH's carer/emotional prop, which is what the wives of men who transition get relegated to (not that there is anything wrong with being a carer, but it is a supporting role - you need to put yourself and your DS at the centre of your own lives).

Don't stay for your DS. Your marriage may stagger on for a few more years, but they won't be good years. Leave now, while you and your DH are on good terms. Support him from the sidelines, as a friend and co-parent. But don't get dragged into his unhappiness - don't let him take you and your DS down with him

I think it's very interesting that your husband claims he always wanted to be a 'girl' but he didn't mention it to you until after you were married. This suggests that either he was lying to you then, or he's lying to you now.

I had a partner who decided he was trans after three years of us being together and him never mentioning it once. He was suddenly absolutely convinced that he had always been trans and that surgery would be the only answer to all his problems. I loved him so much and I was so worried about him that for a while all I did was consider his feelings. Eventually his demands became too much and I split up with him.

I mention this because after the split, he moved to a different city and saw a different psychiatrist. He then realised that he wasn't trans at all. He's spent the last two decades living happily as a man, and he recognises that his obsession with transitioning was a symptom of his poor mental health, not the cure for his problems.

I think the first step for your husband should be seeing a really good therapist - and not just someone who is simply going to 'affirm' him. If you can also have a frank talk to him about why he's feeling so dysphoric now then it might be helpful - but of course he may not admit the whole story. (For some men, it is a result of watching AGP porn for example). Ask him to show you all the websites, chatrooms etc that he's been looking at. His willingness to be completely honest about this will be revealing.

Please don't make the mistake I did and just put your husband's feelings first. You'll doubtless find that almost everyone around you will be rushing to put his feelings first too if he does choose to transition. Everything is set up to help the man transitioning and not his family.

Sadly I have seen that a lot of men who transition cite their fragile mental health as an excuse for unhealthy behaviour such as expecting their wives to keep secrets for them or trying things in bed that the wives are really uncomfortable with. Sometimes women carry the huge emotional burden of facing their lives being turned upside down all alone because their partners ask them to keep it secret. Meanwhile while the husbands are busy making loads of new friends (and some inappropriate friends) online.

Make a decision today to put yourself and your child first, and get as much real life support for yourself and your child as you can.

Best of luck in whatever you choose to do and I hope you find loads of support on here too.

@Pluvia

Seconded, fabulous post. Yes, TQ+ groups will support the husband but offer nothing for the wife. That's where Mumsnet comes in. We support women.

Including transgender ones

Hugs to you, OP. You've got lots of good advice. One thing that struck me is your comments on you DC and how they will see their dad if he transitions:

want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...

I know you can't control what your H does, but maybe use some persuasive arguments that can help mitigate the impact on your DC. Caitlin Jenner is a high profile transwoman whose children still call her dad because Caitlin acknowledged how cruel it would be to make them change their name for their parent. Children need stability and while you may not be able to stop your DC from seeing your H physical changes, one constant should be their dad is still their dad. I would fight for this.

Good luck to you, OP.

@Artichokeleaves

OP

You are likely to find that LGBT+ resources are heavy on their focus on DH, and framing this as only a positive thing for both of you, where your expected role is to focus on meeting his needs only, and to expect from you unconditional co operation and support.

This may be how you feel, and that is fine.

The thing is that you do not have to take this script being handed to you, and the 'anti trans' moaning on this thread is because here the main focus is on the woman, the woman's needs and feelings, the woman's right to have boundaries and to be able to talk without being scolded for not centering the TQ+ person. And this is ok . You may need this and if you do, there are a few safe places where you can do this just as there are many safe places where DH can be open about his feelings and needs and be listened to and supported.

It is important to keep remembering the phrase up thread: you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. No matter how cold they feel, no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want to help. You matter in this just as much as he does, and your feelings, your needs, your future, are equally important to his.

What a great post.

Good luck, OP.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@Theeyeballsinthesky we are just started talking and planning.. he's also quite lost and doesn't know where to start. He said he loves me very much and if I want he can try to further hold this off.. Problem is I love my marriage and my life now and I don't want to leave until things do start to change. I think realistically it's going to be years ahead till they will...[/quote]
That's you choice to make. However, do consider the possibility that by deciding to wait until he transitions (bearing in mind he's not discussing it as a maybe but as a definite decision he's made) you'll be limiting your future. If after transition you decide you're happy to be with your husband new version of himself then all well and good. But since you love him as he is now, there's no guarantee you'll love the new him who will be a completely different person. It's a huge gamble. If you split up later on, it will mean you're however many years older and the older you get the less chances there are of meeting someone else to share your life with.

By waiting, you're choosing to take an increased risk of staying single/unmarried. Whereas if you divorced now you'd be free to seek another partner sooner, reducing the chances that you'll be alone due to being unable to find someone suitable.

It's a fact of life that the older you are the harder it is to find someone suitable simply because the majority couple up forever when they're younger. You'd also be facing the age related prejudice that sees so many men looking for much younger women or wanting a child-free woman.

So making a decision to "wait and see" isn't just a decision that affects him, it affects your future too. You need to think about this because making an educated choice is different from making an accidental choice which wasn't properly thought through. You're obviously someone who wants to be married and go through life with a partner by your side. If you ended up divorced and permanently single, you don't want to be thinking "what if" or "if only" you'd considered that possibility when younger.

You might get the best if both worlds as you're bi.
If your DH gets his wish to look more feminine, yet essentially retains most of his body attractiveness which is what you like and enjoy, there might be a middle ground. Making out with a feminine looking male who retains the ability to fulfill you sexually, could work for both of you.

Hi OP, yes do come over to the trans widows thread, we've all been where you are now.

Also read the women's testimonies and the resources on our website:

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

@LoisLane66

You might get the best if both worlds as you're bi. If your DH gets his wish to look more feminine, yet essentially retains most of his body attractiveness which is what you like and enjoy, there might be a middle ground. Making out with a feminine looking male who retains the ability to fulfill you sexually, could work for both of you.

That really isn't how bisexuality works

OP - do join the transwidows thread. There are a lot of women on there who have been where you are and quite a few of them are not in the U.K.

[quote LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]@WeeBisom at the moment he wants hormone therapy and looking more female. He doesn't want radical surgeries yet. I have to see to decide whether sexually he's still going to do it for me. He's a very good lover and I love his body now.. I don't know if I'll like what he'll look like in the future. I might I might not. I am bisexual but prefer men. I did say to him that most likely I won't stay but we are family and parents and I will still love him and fully support. I guess if I am to leave and find someone else it's better to do it sooner than later but maybe for our child it's best if we stay as a traditional couple for as long as possible. I want my child to know his dad as a dad.. as a person I know and love him now. Or maybe it's best for him to know him as a mum so he doesn't need to deal with the change.. who can tell me what's best it's so new to us and to society...[/quote]
You need to separate - purely for the financial aspect.

How much do you think these surgeries are going to cost. And when is 'enough'. And then there's the cost of clothes.

EVERYTHING goes on the trying to achieve an impossible fantasy.

You and your child, are going to find you come second to this.

As others have said, be prepared for the complete personality change...

You might get the best of both worlds as you're bi.

That's not how being bisexual works for most of us, I imagine.

You need support of your own - not support from an LGBT group who will centre your partner, not you and expect you do go along with everything. You need separate support.

More than anything, YOU need to know that ANYTHING you feel is ok. Your role is not as a support human being to your partner.

By that, I mean you do not have to unconditionally go along with everything they say due to being held emotionally hostage by the idea that to be a good person you MUST support them no matter what.

Newsflash: even trans people can be dicks who shit all over other people. They are not a sacred cast. Don't allow yourself to be someone else's emotional doormat.

Sorry I know nothing about this but I just wanted the drop by and say what a wonderful caring person you sound ❤️ good luck to whatever your future holds ❤️