Husband transitioning help!

[LifeIsAGameYouCannotWin]

Hi all, name change for this. DH has been talking about transitioning for many years now. I was pretty much in denial the whole time, thinking maybe he's a cross dresser, etc. Anyway I'm now realizing that he is serious. We have very good relationships, he's fully aware of how it affects me and our child. He loves me very much but as much as I want this to go away I can't accept his sacrifice of not transitioning and not being himself. He will eventually transition but I guess it's best done when he's still young. Anyway I'm all over the place and don't know how to navigate this long journey. I said I will fully support him but I don't think I will stay with him, we'll see I might who knows. Is there anyone hear who can talk to me about it? I'm afraid of what the future holds for us, I'm worrying about my kid, is he going to be bullied? Is this going to traumatize him? What to do?

@IWillBeSeeingYou

You can also say that being gay is a perversion of sexuality and is similar to being say a necrophile. But it's not. It's been accepted that gay and trans people do not with harm to other people and are normal people living their lives as they see fit.

It’s absolute bollocks to compare being gay to trans, gay people are not pretending to be another sex, forcing themselves to be seen as another sex or moving into spaces not designed for them. They don’t ask others to deny what’s in front of them either. The T should never have been included with LGB, it’s not even remotely similar and as a gay person I want no part of it.

What IWillBeSeeingYou said.

I was looking at a trailer for something on twitter about Derek Fowlds who was Bernard in Yes Minister, which I always thought was terribly serious, and also on Heartbeat for years and I realised he was "Mr Derek" who used to appear with Basil Brush.

Bloody hell. I’ve never made that connection.

You sound like a lovely person OP but very naive so it's great you're open to reading more and learning.

In terms of how he looks I can see he could pass with minor adjustments so some people might not pay attention and not know.

It is staggeringly unlikely that people will genuinely believe he passes as a woman even if he transitions and has facial surgery / tweaks.

It's important to know this for him as well as you due to his expectations and yours needing to be realistic.

Even trans women who say 'nobody ever challenges me when I use the female toilets so I must pass' neglect to understand that some are socialised to not want to challenge for safety reasons, not wanting to upset someone and also not wanting to be called trans phobic.

Lack of challenge or labelling doesn't mean that people can't tell if someone is a natal male or female, from bone structure to gait. Women are statistically better at this.

@IWillBeSeeingYou

You can also say that being gay is a perversion of sexuality and is similar to being say a necrophile. But it's not. It's been accepted that gay and trans people do not with harm to other people and are normal people living their lives as they see fit.

It’s absolute bollocks to compare being gay to trans, gay people are not pretending to be another sex, forcing themselves to be seen as another sex or moving into spaces not designed for them. They don’t ask others to deny what’s in front of them either. The T should never have been included with LGB, it’s not even remotely similar and as a gay person I want no part of it.

So much this. The T in LGBT is a nonsensical inclusion of a totally unrelated thing.

There was a woman at a party where I work recently. She was gorgeous.

I could tell it she was a transwoman. It wasn't discussed, and she seemed to pass, but if I could tell, I'm sure other people could tell, but also just weren't mentioning it.

*I could tell it that she

Even trans women who say 'nobody ever challenges me when I use the female toilets so I must pass' neglect to understand that some are socialised to not want to challenge for safety reasons, not wanting to upset someone and also not wanting to be called trans phobic.

Absolutely. Women are socialised from birth to be kind, polite and invested in other people’s well-being.

Boys and men are socialised to accept this as their due. (There’s a huge amount of research about what happens when girls and women resist this socialisation).

Transwomen are male, so go figure.

Even trans women who say 'nobody ever challenges me when I use the female toilets so I must pass' neglect to understand that some are socialised to not want to challenge for safety reasons, not wanting to upset someone and also not wanting to be called trans phobic.

Exactly this.

Any male I see in the women’s bathroom is clearly comfortable erasing women’s boundaries and as such I, a very petite woman, don’t feel safe challenging them.

They don’t pass, they’re just existing on their male privilege.

Exactly.

I was accosted once by a transwoman who wanted my opinion on their hair & makeup. About a foot taller than me and it was a quiet street. OF COURSE I was going to express appreciation, plead an appointment and get away as quickly as I could in the opposite direction.

I think for me the sticking point would be the inevitable unconscious coercion. By transitioning, your husband is asking everyone to role play and affirm something that isn't true - that he's a woman. I think the only similarity with discovering your husband is gay would be if the husband insisted everyone pretend he was actually straight.

By transitioning, your husband is asking everyone to role play and affirm something that isn't true - that he's a woman

This is the only thing that people have a problem with. Transgender people are asking everyone - the whole world - to transition their thinking. It's not a personal transition, it needs to be facilitated by everyone else and therein lies the problem.

WallaceinAnderland

By transitioning, your husband is asking everyone to role play and affirm something that isn't true - that he's a woman

This is the only thing that people have a problem with. Transgender people are asking everyone - the whole world - to transition their thinking. It's not a personal transition, it needs to be facilitated by everyone else and therein lies the problem.

I agree. “Asking everyone - the whole world - lto transition their thinking” is a good way of putting it.

And I would say it is more than thinking. It is almost like an instinct and a guttural response. It possibly can be tricked sometimes, but rarely.