"What are your pronouns?" Best response for a 14 yo?

[RhymesWithOrange]

DD is as well informed as I can manage on pronoun nonsense but we're both stumped for the best response if a friend asks her "what are your pronouns?"

Any advice on challenging/deflecting? With close friends she jokes (she's identified as a Samsung refrigerator, pronouns ice/tray, for a while now) but with people she knows less well it's harder to pull off.

Thank you

These pronoun threads always attract a lot of elaborate or confrontational suggestions. I am sceptical that anyone uses them in real life, let alone a 14 year old.

Yes I agree. DD's best 'big school' friend goes in for a lot of this stuff. She's a quite sad serious girl who clearly needs people to be good to her. There's no way DD would say any of the more snarky things to her and nor would I want her to. But she does need a get out clause.

@lovelyweathertoday

My normal response when asked a question that confuses me is just a blank stare while I try to process it. This often seems to be enough of an answer.

I'm not intending to be rude, just sometimes I can't get an answer out.

I have never been asked and if I was I would probably do the same as you lovely weather or think it was a joke. I am a woman, look like a woman , look far more feminine than masculine and have a name that can only be given to a woman so I probably haven't been asked because it's obvious. If I was speaking to someone else I would refer to them by their name ,if I knew them, or by 'you' .

My pronouns are private. Or, I'm undecided.

Probably best for a 14yo. Non confrontational and should close down discussion. Well, the undecided one might invite more questions I suppose, in which case your daughter could say it's not important to me: you choose seeing as when you're using pronouns for me, I won't be there!

It must be terribly hard being 14 in 2021/2022. When I was 14 all we worried about was learning our French vocab and mastering the slide rule and log book.

I am very grateful in this day and age that my first name is a very obviously feminine one. As is dd but at 23 she thinks more about this stuff, is very much a ms or even a mx and prefers they/them because they think it's right they be defined by what they do rather than their sex. And will argue about it for ages.

My DD is 14 and she and her friends talk about this stuff quite a bit. They're all pretty GC, including her friend who is trans. They're at odds with some of the school population and dd's answer to the pronouns question is "irrelevant". If pressed, she simply says "I'm female".

@Dinosauria

My pronouns are me and I. Its rude to talk about people in the second person when they are present, so just use my name. I don't care how you talk about me when I'm not there.

Pendant calling... She/him/they are third person pronouns. Second person is "you/yours"

@JennieLee

Sex-based like my oppression.

This. All day.

I like "pronouns are in the eye of the beholder"

prefers they/them because they think it's right they be defined by what they do rather than their sex. And will argue about it for ages

That argument makes good sense up to a point.
No one should be defined by their sex most of the time, but when women need access to same sex spaces eg sports/prisons we need to be defined by our sex.
I'm curious does your "they/them" daughter still use women only spaces eg loos/changing rooms and is it purely a pronouns thing, or does they actually think they isn't male or female eg they is non binary?

I think I'd probably just laugh and shake my head. It's such a ridiculous question. If pressed, then I would probably say that it's not something I believe in.

@Bellusaurus

As an actual fourteen year old, I think I would have found it easiest to just say, I really don't mind - thanks though. There'd be some situations where I wouldn't be looking for an argument at that age, and it's hard to argue with a pleasant, truthful response ( I hope).

That is probably the best approach.

Some of these might work better for somewhat shy (yet inquisitive) teenager:
"Why do you need to know? Does it matter? Will you treat me differently depending on what I tell you?"
"I don't know, what do you think?" then "Why do you think so?"
"I need to think about it. Do I have to tell you now? It's rather private, no?"
Etc.

Basically, bounce back the question with more not-so-naive questions (ideally tailored to gently highlight some of the darker aspects of genderism: the prejudices, the hollowness, the inconsistencies, ...)

May need to think about precisely what to say if the pronoun-worshipper goes on a strong "everybody must share their pronouns so that trans people feel included" rant (which implies not sharing yours is "transphobic")
I think this one very much depends on the group of people involved, their relationships and personalities, and whether bridge-burning is an option.

A somewhat neutral deflection would be to invite the person standing on their soapbox to explain further what their pronouns are and what it means to them, etc., and let them rant till they've ran out of steam. You can keep them going quite a while by rephrasing what they've said and politely ask if you got it right. The internal contradictions are likely to wear them out sooner or later.
If they still insist on hearing your pronouns near the end, you can just conclude by thanking them and saying they gave you lots to think about, and not to worry, any pronouns should do for now.

... Let's face it, no one is really interested in hearing about other people's pronouns, they just want an excuse to talk about theirs.

How dare you suggest I have pronouns? Pronouns are meant to live freely in the wild and no be confined to people's bios.

If a pronoun cares to be close to me I am in awe but I do not believe I own it.

I'm not sure that's her concern @SportsMother. I never have socially or professionally and I doubt she will be. However I am noticing more and more issues within the NHS, I've had a spate of appointments, and am deeply shocked that repeatedly men are called into appointments as Mr John Smith and women as Jane Smith. They need to drop the Mr to stop being sexist. Might make myself a badge for future appointments.

I say my pronoun is my name (e.g my name is Mary, therefore my pronoun is Mary). You may call me Mary. I have a name, please USE IT. I am not a she, he, they or an it. I am......MARY.

The best answer to people who believe they are being genuinely helpful to trans people is that it contravenes principle 6 of the Yogyakarta principles. It is about the right of trans people to privacy and not being forced to disclose private information.

'f) Ensure the right of all persons ordinarily to choose when, to whom and how to disclose information pertaining to their sexual orientation or gender identity, and protect all persons from arbitrary or unwanted disclosure, or threat of disclosure of such information by others.'

Obvious.

Something I saw about pronouns but not this question.

“I met my friends Jake (he/him) and Emma (they/them) yesterday. I asked them if they wanted to come to my house for Christmas dinner. They said yes.”

Who is actually coming?

I've not been asked but if I am I have decided I will say "female pronouns - thanks"

Personally I don’t identify with any gender because gender is oppressive. I don’t think it’s right to force people into a stereotype or put them in a box. My biological sex is female, I don’t have a gender identity.

As a 14 year old I probably wouldn’t say that though! To avoid difficulties and bullying I’d probably just say please use whatever pronouns you think are appropriate.

@ShowOfHands

My DD is 14 and she and her friends talk about this stuff quite a bit. They're all pretty GC, including her friend who is trans. They're at odds with some of the school population and dd's answer to the pronouns question is "irrelevant". If pressed, she simply says "I'm female".

This is good.

'I haven't decided yet'

I, me, my.

Since when was it OK to go round asking such personal questions willy nilly. It's basically asking somebody if they identify with their biological sex or not. Don't be so rude!

Why does no one want to answer the question with "she /her"? Or did I miss that your daughter is trans / non-binary? With so many young people using different pronouns these days some (usually younger) people just want the clarity so as not to cause offence.