DD declaring she is transgender

[SystemOverloaded]

To start, please can I ask you to be gentle. I'm not in a good place; this is not due in whole to this situation, but life has been hard and I've been struggling to carry on.
DD (now 16) told me she was a lesbian at 14. Obviously this was not remotely an issue, she was told it was completely normal and she could love whoever she wanted. About 6 months later she sent me a text message (which I could tell straight away was copied and pasted in part from the Internet) declaring she was non binary and wanted us to call her by another name and use she/they. Again, fine. We didn't make it a big deal, said its fine to be whoever you want to be and we would try and remember the name they wanted. I must admit DH does slip up with this but tries not to. In all honesty I think she wanted more of a "shocked" reaction and a scene. She is part of a computer gaming group online (since 14) who I have since learned are mostly non binary/trans and have a massive influence on her. She also goes to college and I would say 80% of the class are non binary or trans -I am not over exaggerating. I have this morning found a note to me and DH in her room saying she thinks she is a trans man. I just don't know where to go with this from here. In all honesty I genuinely don't think she is trans at all. Before I get jumped on this is NOT because I don't want a trans child at all. This is because I believe she is confused, easily led and unsure about her body and is desperate to fit in with a group and be accepted. She struggled at school to find a group of friends and was lonely a lot and she does tend to mould herself around people's identity/hobbies to fit in with them. Where do I go from here? I want to be supportive but I don't believe this is what she really feels. Please help, I'm so lost and terrified if I question anything with her I will lose her and she will hate me.
I suffer with depression and OCD and diagnosed severe anxiety, I run a business and have a son with SEN. Life is a uphill struggle at the moment even with a wonderful husband and kids and I don't know how much longer I can cope. It seems easier not to be here.

OP, do not apologise, you have done nothing wrong.

Please look after yourself, and by looking after yourself you will also be able to support your daughter. Ignore the deliberate goaders on this thread who would like to get the thread deleted, stick to the advice posts on the first page and you will be fine.

Dear OP, I have a 12 year old that is in the same boat. My DH and I are utterly shattered and depressed also. You are not alone. I don't even feel like I can attend any parent support groups as yet, I just don't feel up to it. But what we have done is restricted internet access and trying to get her enegaed in activities off line. My DD hates her body (puberty and periods are in full flow) and hates per personality (meta cognition develops at this age). She's also possibly been self harming, but won't admit it. There has been a stark correlation between poor mental health for children and the rise in online activity. The more time they spend online the worse their mental health is. Anyway, just wanted to say your not alone and give you a virtual hand hold.

@ArabellaScott
Oooh!😂 what did your brain come up with for SM??

PS It's a cold wet night for sitting out. ☂️☕

@SystemOverloaded
I'm sorry to see that my post has caused some disagreements here, it was genuinely never my intention

Sadly it was and is the intention of some posters to cause you upset.

They should start their own threads rather than preaching at you on yours.

Please also call your GP tomorrow morning and see if you can get ongoing MH support. Meds can also provide some immediate relief while you put other supports in place.

As you run your own business would it be suitable for her to work part-time in it? It may be helpful if she shadows different employees and gain some valuable "experience" for her CV.
Plus if you are able to separate work where you are the boss 9-5 and home where you are the parent it may help change the family dynamic a little.
🌻

It is staggering just how many parents are going through this with their teenager daughters and shows what an epidemic this is. I worry so much about this appalling fad and what lasting damage it can inflict upon teenagers. I am appalled that schools and sixth forms allow them to change their name so easily and seem to embrace what they say - and don't question anything. I just feel that parents are being ignored and vilified when we question this ideology.

@Happy1982ish

Just nod and smile OP

What should be preoccupying you is the cause of her unhappiness. Lack of friends sounds key.

This

Hi OP, I haven't read the whole thread so others may have said this already but if not - you mentioned your son has SEN - is he autistic? If so, have you or uour DD ever wondered if she may be too? Some things you describe about uour DD ring bells re undiagnosed autism in girls. (Commenting here as mother to two children diagnosed autistic and due to be assessed myself). From what I have read, many autistics can experience a profound sense of not fitting in or something being "wrong" with them, and can try various different routes trying to understand what their difference is and find acceptance and belonging.

However I've also read that sexuality and gender identity can be less fixed for autistics.

I hope this isn't too garbled but what I'm
Trying to say is, if you or your DD have ever wondered if she may be autistic, it could be so helpful to her to look into it. I don't mean instead of her continuing journey of exploration into her sexuality and gender identity, but alongside it.

Oooh!what did your brain come up with for SM??

I have the right to remain silent.

Is it possible she might be autistic? The social difficulties, masking to fit in, online gaming friends etc sound like she has social difficulties. You also mentioned her brother has SEN.

Perhaps look at how autism presents in women to see if it’s a possibility. It would certainly make sense if she is that she would be desperate for an explanation of why she feels so ‘different’ and wants to be part of this group.

There is a higher proportion of autistic children/teens with gender dysphoria than in the general population.

Glad some of the thread has been useful, OP. Glad you've spoken to your DH. Good luck with the doc tomorrow.

Please try to ignore anyone derailing; it's their problem, not yours.

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@socialistcat That is an extremely lame reply.
And I haven't seen anyone here suggesting that to the OP.
Pro-child, pro-teen girl, pro-loving parent, anti-medicalisation and butchery of our teen girls without taking time to wait & see and be 100% certain - guilty!.

Hope that's cleared it up.[/quote]
Excellent post.

@SystemOverloaded

I'm sorry to see that my post has caused some disagreements here, it was genuinely never my intention. I know it is a subject with strong feelings on all sides and I apologise if I have upset anyone with the topic. I do feel I been given some fantastic advice, support and links by the very kind posters and that I posted on the right board as it has helped me speak to my DH and be open this evening about how much I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and to make some time to ring the Samaritans tomorrow morning when I'm alone. Thank you for making me realise I need to be in the right place myself to support my DD properly. Mumsnet at its best. I've started going through the links which are really helpful. Lots of love to all those in similar situations

Please ignore the derailer. You have nothing to apologise for.

I can add very little to what posters have said above but just want to reiterate their advice that your daughter would benefit from some offline activity. Anything you can think of - horses, watersports, conservation, hiking...

Everything will work out in the end, I’m sure. You have taken the first important steps💐

Trying to find a positive.. at least puberty will be complete for your child so they can’t block it. I know you are potentially going to be forced down the path of testosterone and binders but hopefully the hormone treatment can be delayed while you try and get to the bottom of her feelings.

In your position I would be hyper alert for what packages might be arriving incase they are already starting the transition process by purchasing medications online.

I could have written your post. Isnt it exhausting? I got shouted at for an hour yesterday because I refuse to identify as CIS. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

I hope you have found some real life support OP.

The degree that this issue develops within particular groups of friends needs a great deal of research, but it also needs a great deal of discussion in the open.

My own teen (15) is in a group of 7 friends. 5 have declared they are trans over the past 18 months. I know 2 or 3 are wearing binders every day. The way they talk is really heartbreaking. They tell each other off for the slightest transgressions and regularly say things like ‘last year when I was so transphobic…’ Luckily my teen has worked out just how toxic this was and is spending much less time with the group.

But is now feeling isolated and anxious by the lack of friends.

Outside of this group, I know the parents of two transboys (two separate families) and we sometimes discuss our respective teen’s mental health.

These children have such poor mental health and the information they (the children) have gained from supposedly ‘supportive groups’ is making getting balanced mental health care very difficult. (This has also been identified by at least one study recently too).

Once you realise just how prevalent this has become, you understand that you are certainly not alone. And certainly not alone in trying to find well balanced information and care.

system 💐

No need to apologise, hopefully some of the posts here will help you moving forward, and its definitely worth looking at the lgbt children board even if you dont start a post

I thought MNHQ protected support threads which this clearly is, but obviously i was wrong…unless, like many other things, even support threads have to be in the ‘right’ place. Especially if it supports an already existing ‘view’ of a board being an unsupportive, hateful echo chamber

@Skatastic

I could have written your post. Isnt it exhausting? I got shouted at for an hour yesterday because I refuse to identify as CIS. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

Yes, I have spent time recently discussing this with my teen. It is tedious. They simply cannot get their head around why I don’t believe that some one else’s made up word ‘cis’ should have any relevance to me. They choose to centre their life around the ‘trans/cis’ dichotomy, I don’t and it makes them very unhappy.

Yes - my DD has verbally attacked me with repeating the stock phrases, and what's really frightening is that they are not encouraged to take parents into their confidence - quite the opposite.
Parents are the problem. Automatically labelled as transphobic, and any evidence is automatically dismissed and stories of detransitioners dismissed for some extreme reason (lots of bad language to describe this group).
They appear to be completely captured, with all avenues firmly blocked
There's a word for it, but I will be deleted and possibly suspended if I dare utter it here.

for all my fellow parents going through this with their children.

@SystemOverloaded good to hear you've talked with your husband, it's a first step to looking after yourself

Hi OP, my DD identified as trans until very recently, it lasted over 5 years, started pretty much at the same age and in the same way as your DD. Try to keep her away from anything irreversible. With my DD, we had many conversations about gender, biological sex, what it means to be a woman or a man, the consequences and risks of any medical interventions. Obviously not all at once, I had to be very careful and gentle especially at the beginning. I'm not sure if any of those conversations had an effect but I sure hope so. Good luck OP

Schools need to be much much more heavily involved in what’s going on amongst this generation in this that’s
And I don’t mean supportive of everything and anything for fear that accused of discrimination
I mean questioning, debating, allowing for skepticism, stressing that it’s ok to change one’s mind, nothing set in stone etc

I mean questioning, debating, allowing for skepticism, stressing that it’s ok to change one’s mind, nothing set in stone etc

It is very difficult though when any of that is framed as abuse, or rejection, or hate.

And reminding teenagers that it is ok to change their mind is great.... except that many transitioners have also told us that the pressure to maintain their identity, to not discuss any issues they have within the group, be it health or ideological concerns because will (or fear) be rejected from their groups. After the group has supported them (or sometimes pressured them) to also reject their families.

You've had loads of good advice OP and I hope you are doing ok. It's tough being a young person right now and equally tough being their mum!

My general approach for young people is not far from the nod and smile mentioned very early on. Young people will experiment and they will push boundaries.

You don't want to back them any corners to make it hard to get out of.

So you don't want to push back on the trans idea, cause arguments or make her think she's not being heard.
At the other extreme you don't want to celebrate the trans either by rushing out and telling everyone how brave/incredibly modern she is.

Spend some time with her, encourage her to be active and social with a range of different people while thinking and talking about her plans for the future. She has a wonderful life ahead of her and the world at her feet, she'll find it easier to work out how she wants to live that life knowing she has the security of your love.

I would echo the "spend time" with her
Show her how much you love her as she is , but especially things that might be giving her concerns - what in her likes, character etc does she associate with maleness - focus on those things to break that association

My dad used to get me to help with our car. Sorry for those who know this story . One time we were just changing the oil filter , but he was having trouble reaching it whereas my small ( female sized ) hand fitted perfectly. He helped me realise that a female body isn't a hindrance , that diversity is really useful , that I wasn't wierd or stupid but was in fact a good mechanic who could offer something special

It was times like that which helped me deal with growing up .

It was many years ago though , social media and communications tech do make it much harder today

what in her likes, character etc does she associate with maleness - focus on those things to break that association
I'm not trans, but it's nothing to *
DO* with what you like or whatever!
What, you think if you like blue, or cars, or engineering etc, it makes you male or something?!
Doing what you're saying to do will probably push away more, as to do so would be to be clear you wouldn't know what you were on about.