As someone who has been called a TERF (I’m not, I just think we should be able to have open and honest conversations about gender and we should have compassion for those who didn’t grow up in this sort of landscape) this thread is depressing. And full of TERF dog whistles. Just look at how many people are champing at the bit to tell you to show your mentally ill child how right they are. Those people don’t care about you or your child. They just an outlet for their rage. Im genuinely nervous to post this because I think people will. Not. Like.
OP think very carefully about where you’re getting your advice from. There are people in this thread happily encouraging you to abandon your child because they hate (the concept of, idk) trans people.
I’d also be very careful with how sure you are that they aren’t trans. My own mother is certain that I’m not autistic, although she can never explain why, she just feels it in her gut that I’m choosing to be naughty and always have. It’s severely damaged our relationship and my mental health. It’s stopped me from accessing medical care, it’s stopped me from being able to advocate for myself. Ironically she was the one who first came to me saying her therapist had said I sound autistic.
I think as a parent there can be a lot of emotional stuff tied into it, perhaps she feels she failed me by not noticing in childhood and it’s easier to stay in the story of “this child is naughty” because that’s far less painful than “my child needed help and instead I punished them and left them with permanent damage”
our brains do often lie to us to protect ourselves and “I know my child isn’t trans, they’re just sad” is a lot easier to believe than to question your relationship with gender and realise “oh fuck, I’ve spent a year/months undermining my child’s sense of self at a time when they needed me the most”
Also, I’m pretty sure cis is not a gender. Nobody is misgendering anyone. A cis woman is still a woman. A mother is still a mother. Trans people existing doesn’t threaten any of that.
The reception in this thread is exactly what your child is scared of. It’s very likely that they can sense you aren’t on board and they’re intuitively picking up that you feel like you’re humouring them when you’re not deadnaming them etc. they clearly don’t feel like they have full authentic support and that’s quite terrifying to a child.
especially in a society that is seeing continual erosion of trans rights.
women went through a liberation movement. Now we need to support others with theirs.
also, radical feminism is not the same as terf. Frankly most terfs I speak to know nothing of radical feminism and just enjoy the air of legitimacy that the term radical feminism adds to their crusade against trans people.
tldr. Support your child. If you’re right, you’ll still be right when they de transition. If you’re wrong, then you haven’t risked your relationship with your son.
read books about gender yourself. It’s easy to forget how fundamental this fight feels, we’re essentially the men in the feminist debate here. We are the default and part of the status quo. We don’t really understand and need to take steps to do so. From my Goodreads I have “I hope we choose love” and “undoing gender” on my list.
I also think you need to educate your son on feminism. Men are often crap at feminism. Reading as a family can be hard so maybe philosophy tube would be good. Abigail is a trans woman with a philosophy degree who talks wonderfully about feminism. If I was you I’d start with her video on the social contract, they’re beautiful and engaging and I think she could help you and your son find common ground.
This is lol said with love. I hope you and your family find peace.