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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

16 yo DS called me a TERF

104 replies

Skatastic · 27/08/2021 09:12

He (formally she) came our as trans at the beginning of the year and we've done everything we can to support this. We call him his preferred pronouns, use his preferred name, listen to his woes.

Had a massive argument with him the other day and he called me a TERF. Other highlights were that when I said I don't want to be described as CIS I'm transphobic.

Another massive argument yesterday because I said I don't believe the 'trans women are women' rhetoric. He said well you don't believe I'm a man do you then? And the problem is no, I don't. I think he has serious mental health problems and this has all got tied up in trans stuff.

What the very fuck do I say? Is there a good way to say it? Why is he so fucking self righteous about it? Told me I can't have experienced any difficulties cos I'm a woman. Riiggghhhhtttt I must have dreamed those sexual assaults, sexism at work, being overlooked for promotions because I had to have time off for poorly children (him being one of them, oh the irony).

Not sure what I'm asking for. Solidarity?

OP posts:
beigebrownblue · 27/08/2021 20:22

Oh okay.

I have told mine on occasion the right to self-definition of sexualit also is accorded to mothers.

(Who generally don't have much time or space left for any kind of sexuality they are so busy holding stuff down in a global pandemic...)

So tell your offspring you are not to be referred to as a CIS woman.

You are a woman.

End of.

They have a right to define themselves.

So do you.

If they don't like it, tell them to rent a flat on their own, pay their own bills, do their own washing/washing up/get themselves to uni all that shit.

Are you paying for 'their' phone?

If so, stop doing it.

If
'they' don't show you enough respect stop paying 'their' bills.

Mango1982 · 27/08/2021 20:49

You say
Don’t you dare speak to me like that again

This is your HOME about this is not your house

Mango1982 · 27/08/2021 20:51

I not going to start calling your Bob or whatever you have a name if you are in happy your welcome to get a job and we will support you to move out

While I am paying for all your bills if I want to call you boogaloo bear I can an you will smile while I do it now wind your neck in

beigebrownblue · 27/08/2021 21:17

I confess, I don't actually know what a TERF is.

Guess I'm good to have avoided that one so far.

In theory.

What is it?

I've just pressed on so far and gone with various definitions of teens, someone do enlighten?

beigebrownblue · 27/08/2021 21:22

I've just googled it.

trans-exclusionary radical feminist

No. No. No.

there is no such thing.

A radical feminist was defined thirty years ago.
By many authors.

Let's have a conversation about that.

A radical feminst was in to and still believes in

WOMEN'S LIBERATION.

Yes. And.

Women still need it.
ThIs is US being discriminated against economically and every other which way,

much worse under pandemic.

We need WOMENS LIBERATION MORE THAN EVER.

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 21:30

Terf means those who believe that sex is important. For a host of things.
Although most of the population know that, it's a term used for women pretty much all the time. And also pretty much all the time women who are interested in women's rights.

Oh and also it's often teamed with SWERF which is used for people, again almost always women who are interested in women's rights. Who have a range of concerns about the negative consequences of prostitution. And do not agree that it's a job like any other eg working in an office as an accountant.

beigebrownblue · 27/08/2021 21:53

TERF

Stands for Transexclusionary radical feminist.

How absolutely patronising and uninformed your post is, NIceGerbil.

Radical Feminist was and is a term which women used to self identify themselves when feminists movements were progressing in the nineteen eighties.

How OLD are you, NiceGerbil?

This is relevant.

Your explanation of this is completely without meaning.

Women (not men) are still being discriminated against across the globe.

Women need to make progress re equality and are across the globe are still fighting for survival never mind equality.

Mothers, are mothers.

AND are being discriminated against across the board.

you are brainwashed.

Brainwashed.

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 21:55

Huh?

What's the problem here?

The term is not just used for those who have radical feminist politics.

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 21:56

I'm in my late 40s. Why do you ask?

leavesthataregreen · 27/08/2021 22:02

DS1 called me a TERF at that age. I explained for a VERY long time how hard won women's rights were and how fragile they still are as they hang in the balance and he's had the good grace to say he understood a bit better and now keeps quiet at certain times during LGBTQ+ meetings.

Waitwhat23 · 27/08/2021 22:15

I'm a bit Confused at someone who had to Google what TERF means, telling NiceGerbil that she's brainwashed!

The vast majority of posters on this board vehemently disagree with being called terfs. It is in fact a horrendous slur - www.terfisaslur.com. The term TERF (a banned term on Mumsnet) is thrown at women who do not believe that males should be able to access female single sex spaces.

There is a wide range of variation on what women on the two Feminist boards define themselves as - some say GC feminist, some say radical feminist, others are literal feminists. Some just say feminist as they don't believe that there needs to be a qualifier.

We all believe women are discriminated against.

Mollyollydolly · 27/08/2021 22:16

I really feel for you. I've nothing to offer really re advice. Just struck me that if you could removed people from their social circle, the internet, and all the crap their young brains are constantly assaulted with that all these issues would go away. If only you could transport them away from all the social pressure, a few months in the countryside living a peaceful life. Sorry, I realise this is impossible, just thinking aloud. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
Skatastic · 27/08/2021 22:27

@Mollyollydolly I'm on a mailing list about life in the Outer Hebrides and I often think we would be better off there!

OP posts:
LobsterNapkin · 27/08/2021 22:42

In a lot of cases I think kids in this position will simply take whatever line you've drawn, and push it. So there is not really a reasonable compromise. The best bet is to draw the line where you think it really ought to be. For my, that was, you can wear whatever you want as long as it isn't actually inappropriate, but you can change your name when you are legally old enough, I won't fool around with pronouns, and it's inappropriate to ask others to as well.

I can defend those ideas because they represent what I really think, and I guess I might as well plant my flag there then try and defend a compromise I already think is silly.

That being said, I think the technique of disengaging is very useful. I'd be trying to focus on the other MH issues.

PurgatoryOfPotholes · 27/08/2021 22:52

I think you should buy Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez. Not so you can discuss it with your child (I think at the moment it is far too fraught a situation for discussion to lead anywhere positive), but because it's a book of factual solidarity, telling you that you haven't been imagining being disadvantaged by your sex.

Aparallaxia · 27/08/2021 23:31

Thank you OP that reply made me laugh! 'I'm the only trans in the village, why is no-one attacking me?'

theemperorhasnoclothes · 28/08/2021 11:38

With all the media coverage of Afghanistan, including the women writing about how many of their co-workers are now laughing at their plight, I find it stunning that any young person can be ignorant as to historic and current misogyny and discrimination against women, and how our rights are often paper thin and can be taken away so quickly.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/aug/18/afghan-woman-working-western-ngo-kabul-forgotten

StrangeLookingParasite · 29/08/2021 08:15

@beigebrownblue

TERF

Stands for Transexclusionary radical feminist.

How absolutely patronising and uninformed your post is, NIceGerbil.

Radical Feminist was and is a term which women used to self identify themselves when feminists movements were progressing in the nineteen eighties.

How OLD are you, NiceGerbil?

This is relevant.

Your explanation of this is completely without meaning.

Women (not men) are still being discriminated against across the globe.

Women need to make progress re equality and are across the globe are still fighting for survival never mind equality.

Mothers, are mothers.

AND are being discriminated against across the board.

you are brainwashed.

Brainwashed.

Oh dear.
Mango1982 · 29/08/2021 08:35

PurgatoryOfPotholes

I think you should buy Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez. why should she buy a book she needs to tell her daughter stop speaking to me like that this moment and if your unable to at 16 we will support you to move out one should not need to buy a book the issue here is not what daughter is calling her mother it’s the fact she shouting anything at her she’s not 4 op needs to put her foot down at 16 you don’t get to swear or call me names in my own house 😂

LemonSwan · 29/08/2021 15:18

I think books are actually a good idea.

I wouldnt buy a gendered one though.

As a woman transitioning to a male the last thing you want to do is bombard them with all the difficulties of being a woman. Deep down they know this already and is probably why they wish to transition.

Instead I would buy a set of George Orwells for Christmas so it doesnt look unusual - Animal Farm, 1984 and Keep the Aspidistra Flying

Original poster
Skatastic · 30/08/2021 13:23

@Mango1982 we will absolutely 100% not be "supporting" our child with serious mental health problems to move out of home. At all. We love him and we will support him the best we can. Of course we tell him off for calling us names, but the only thing that we would achieve by making him move out would be to further reinforce the idea that nobody gives a shit about him.

I love the book ideas. I love educating myself and having sensible, rational responses to DS. When I'm not losing my temper and telling him to fuck off of course 😂

OP posts:
Tinaw60 · 27/03/2024 08:27

How are you now? How is the situation?

SinnerBoy · 27/03/2024 09:34

I'm sorry for you in your situation, Skatastic.

I haven't any advice, but second the ideas of trying to keep things calm and especially about everyone being entitled to their own beliefs and respecting other people's right to the same. There seem to be good books recommended, as well.

You have already decided that being Sergeant Major isn't going to work with a child with mental health problems, so ignore people advising that. Best not to even engage, in my opinion!

IcakethereforeIam · 27/03/2024 09:42

If she's still reading I hope the OP and their child are in a better place now. Things can change a lot in over 2 years.

WaterWeasel · 27/03/2024 09:51

.