I think I’m going mad….

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I’ve absolutely had enough of my family bringing up ‘mum’s views’ (which I’ve learnt to keep completely private from them due to previously accusations of bigotry’), and then when I say a single thing in response,, accusing me of being ‘obsessed’ with it and not keeping it to myself!

I feel like I’m going mad. Husband saying he doesn’t know why I’m so obsessed with trans matters and I should keep to myself - I do! I don’t want to share with them because they don’t agree and don’t want to hear it.
Ever since the first time I tried to bring up and got shot down my him and kids I decided I would never mention again and wait for them one day to find out for themselves and be peaked.

But Just once again tonight in response to their accusations (they brought up subject not me) I tried to explain briefly why it opposes women’s rights and homosexual rights and got quickly turned upon. I’ve bought Trans by Helen Joyce now and will just tell them to read it next time (although will no doubt get condemned for buying a ‘transphobic’ book and they will refuse to read it) I feel really down, I can’t even have my own personal opinions and thoughts now without my very own family trying to eek out of me what ‘I really think’ and nose at what I’m looking at over my shoulder (I follow Glinner and Posie and Mars). I’ve bought headphones so they don’t hear it and never share any of it. I have to clear my history in case they search it.

It’s like some weird dystopia we’ve all been forced to enter. I even mentioned the olympics tonight in my defence and they still they said that I imagine all of this and it’s not really happening.

What will it take for they and the general public to wake up and at least listen to women’s concerns? I feel so upset tonight. 😩

I SEE YOU

You need to speak to your husband, OP. It's his behaviour I find worst of all. Teens are supposed to disagree with their parents and think they're old fuddy duddies with out of date views but your husband is meant to be your partner. He should have your back even when he doesn't agree with you and vice versa. Even if it's just to tell the DC "stop goading your mum". It's not on that he's ganging up on you with your children.

[quote BluebirdsSong]@NiceGerbil
I was mocking the notion that you can determine someone's sex simply by how they talk. The very idea is inherently rooted in gender stereotypes about behavior.[/quote]
So you were mocking us by. Is this right?

Using a word you know women hate, is essentially out of use, and was most commonly used by men critical of women who didn't perform femininity well enough.

By insinuating that the poster who you were responding to is personality-wise. A deeply sexist man in maybe the 1940s using it to insult women..?

Is that it?

They are 15 and 18, I’d be taking a solid break from cooking and washing for them. ‘You strongly object to my having opinions in my own house but think I’ll cook you dinner? You’re confusing having a mum with having a slave and I’m sure you modern young people are anti slavery. Kitchen is there, laundry is that way, and you know where the supermarket is. I’m off to read dangerous things online and buy some pistes

Posters!

@DazzlingHaze

You need to speak to your husband, OP. It's his behaviour I find worst of all. Teens are supposed to disagree with their parents and think they're old fuddy duddies with out of date views but your husband is meant to be your partner. He should have your back even when he doesn't agree with you and vice versa. Even if it's just to tell the DC "stop goading your mum". It's not on that he's ganging up on you with your children.

Totally agree.

If you wade through OP and get here.

Is he generally on your side as it were? When the kids are being sods? About other stuff?
Do they pick on him like this?

Why, do you think the "peer pressure group" has hidden cameras installed in their house?

Not very experienced with teenagers are you? Nor technology and the way teenagers communicate.

@timeisnotaline

They are 15 and 18, I’d be taking a solid break from cooking and washing for them. ‘You strongly object to my having opinions in my own house but think I’ll cook you dinner? You’re confusing having a mum with having a slave and I’m sure you modern young people are anti slavery. Kitchen is there, laundry is that way, and you know where the supermarket is. I’m off to read dangerous things online and buy some pistes

What a way to make kids not just be embarrassed by you but also despise you.

Children who despise their mummy for not wiping their bottoms whilst they treat her like dirt?

Bizarre.

It's called respect, it's 2 way. Women aren't obliged to slave after disrespectful teenagers old enough to do it themselves.

Stop emotionally attacking OP.

What a way to make kids not just be embarrassed by you but also despise you.

What, by pointing out that they are old enough to stop considering their mother as the house lackey? That both are also capable of understanding that their mother is a human being and allowed to hold opinions?

Oh, I forgot…. Mothers aren’t allowed opinions and thoughts that are not fully focused on family comfort.

That's a really nasty thing to post on a support thread.

You think a mum saying fuck this if you two keep angling for a row with me which I've told you to stop doing. And I've kept my side and STFU on the topic. Then I'm not running around after you.

Is not on?!

Again I think you have forgotten what teenagers are often like!

Forgotten?

Hasn't a single clue?

Raising children to be independent, well rounded adults does not mean accepting disrespectful behaviour from teens of that age.

Framing it as a punishment will make the kids recognize as a punishment.

Add to it the fact that they'd effectively be punished for their moral and ethical disagreements with what they consider to be bigotry against a minority group...

Doesn't take a lot to figure out this will just breed resentment.

If you want to teach them to be more self-dependent, that's one thing. But this is the kind of thing that kids need to be eased into at a proper pace, and suddenly leaving them on their own as a punishment is a terrible idea.

Wow, so much to unpack there.

It isn't punishment to look after yourself, it is a privilege to have someone do that for you at that age.

If they are old enough to treat their mum like that, they are old enough to have consequences.

GC isn't bigotry. If they don't understand that, then they need to have a proper conversation, involving listening. Or, not discuss it at all. Picking fights as they are is entitled bullying.

Wow. You are aren't you. A support thread no less. Yuck.

Hold on so your advice is:

1. If your teenagers have a different opinion to their mum. The mum should listen to them and might learn something. There was a flavour of not to have strongly held opinions (as if they're strongly held they're unlikely to change).

This advice must surely be in general. I mean giving that advice because of agreeing with the children on this topic would make no sense. Is the point that the mum should always keep quiet about strong views she has that they disagree with? Or does she need to check which particular opinions should be approached this way? (That's ridiculous obv).

1. If your teenagers are provoking arguments on a topic they know their mum feels strongly about.

While living in the family home with all the practical and financial benefits that means. If she gets pissed off with their behaviour. She should never say ok well if you feel like that then I'm not running around after you. You can look after yourselves. That will lead to them despising you. This I assume again is general. The mum should continue what she does for them whatever it is. Cooking, cleaning, getting in food they like, tidying up etc etc.

Well.

What strange advice.

Add to it the fact that they'd effectively be punished for their moral and ethical disagreements with what they consider to be bigotry against a minority group...

There has been some really interesting study released about attitude differences between the age groups recently. The study found that those in the 18-29 year age range were actually the age group that was the most intolerant of other’s opinions.

The word ‘bigot’ gets thrown around far too freely these days and it is often used by hypocrits.

@BluebirdsSong

Framing it as a punishment will make the kids recognize as a punishment.

Add to it the fact that they'd effectively be punished for their moral and ethical disagreements with what they consider to be bigotry against a minority group...

Doesn't take a lot to figure out this will just breed resentment.

What if the mum was 100% behind gender > sex, woman is a social role etc.

And the teens were that's ridiculous what about prisons etc.

Would you advice be exactly the same?

I'm offering genuine advice as someone who actually understands the kids' side of things here, giving you an idea of how the kids might react.

Whether or not you heed it is entirely up to you

@BluebirdsSong

If you want to teach them to be more self-dependent, that's one thing. But this is the kind of thing that kids need to be eased into at a proper pace, and suddenly leaving them on their own as a punishment is a terrible idea.

THEY ARE 15 AND 18!!!!

is that post serious?!

I'm offering genuine advice as someone who actually understands the kids' side of things here, giving you an idea of how the kids might react.

Why do you claim to have that understanding?

@Helleofabore

I'm offering genuine advice as someone who actually understands the kids' side of things here, giving you an idea of how the kids might react.

Why do you claim to have that understanding?

Similar views on trans issues, for instance.

So far, Bluebird, you have been snarky and snide in your one bit of advice offered to the OP.

My kids have been contributing to chores since age 5. It would be an inconvenience, but not a punishment, if they had to do stuff for themselves. I mean, they aren't paying the bills, or cleaning the toilet or anything.

Having 3 children and knowing from many, many parents, what works. I think I will take sensible advice.

My children aren't my mates, they are expected to behave respectfully and if they resent me for pulling them up for disrespect. Tough. That is my job.

@NiceGerbil
"Would you advice be exactly the same?"

I think in any household where the parents and the kids have starkly different social/political views, making the kids feel they're being punished for that difference is bound to worsen the relationship between the kids and the parents...

Whether or not they should be punished anyway largely depends on what those views are, I would say.