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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Have been called transphobic by my trans child

254 replies

Firevixen · 26/07/2021 17:23

My trans boy child just called me transphobic because I said they couldn't have their boyfriend over for a sleepover because they have a penis. My DC is 14 and the BF is 15.

They asked me what about if they had a transgirl stay over and I said that would be a no too because they have a penis.

So my DC thinks I'm transphobic and that I think that they are going to go around having sex with everyone.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? no one in their right mind would let two underage teenagers of the opposite sex, who are dating, have a sleepover, would they?

OP posts:
Original poster
Firevixen · 26/07/2021 19:36

@Staffy1

So how is it transphobic if you allowed a sleep over with another trans boy, but not with a non trans boy?
Because I'm not treating the trans boy as if he is a biological boy. I went and had a chat with my DC again and this was the crux of the issue apparently. My DC was worried about her friend's feelings at not being treated that same. She spoke to him and he was fine with what I said.

I will obviously stick to my guns on this, it's just such a delicate thing to navigate when you have a child who is struggling with their gender. I don't always understand or agree with it all, but I do try to be as understanding as possible and as accepting as possible.

OP posts:
Pastrydame · 26/07/2021 19:44

I don't understand your last post. You didn't treat this friend as a biological boy but you don't treat your own child as a biological boy either?

WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 19:44

it's just such a delicate thing to navigate when you have a child who is struggling with their gender

This is why it's so important to be clear on the difference between sex and gender.

Clymene · 26/07/2021 19:46

@Katypyee

Perhaps you didn't intend to be transphobic but I can see how your son could interpret it that way.

Whether a person has a penis or not is irrelevant. It is more the fact they are in a relationship.

I would also suggest that MN is probably not the best place to ask about trans related issues. Almost all the posts are anti-trans.

I would explain to your son, that the genitals of their partner is irrelevant. The issue you have is with their partner sleeping over when they are in a relationship.

The genitals of two teenagers are completely relevant. Confused
KimmyAndMe · 26/07/2021 19:50

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WallaceinAnderland · 26/07/2021 19:50

Accusations of transphobia on threads should be treated the same as troll - deleted. If you see a transphobic post, report it. If not, stop making stuff up.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 26/07/2021 19:51

You are right to have this rule. They are too young for a blind eye being turned to a sexual relationship.

And, it seems to me that hearing the word "no" can sound transphobic to some people with gender issues. People a lot older than your child have got exactly what they want by accusing others of transphobia - it's an effective technique.

TotorosCatBus · 26/07/2021 19:53

It's extremely unusual (and negligent) for a parent to allow their 14yo teen to have their bf/gf round overnight. The trans issue is a red herring

RestartGame · 26/07/2021 19:55

This is why genitals DO matter. Your female dc has a male boyfriend, sex can equal pregnancy.
Ideally even same sex minors wouldn’t sleep over if they are in a relationship but obviously that is harder to be aware of and the risks are just not the same.

TheWeeDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:56

OP this is not a trans issue its a teenager issue. They all try it and they always try to guilt you when they don't get their way. Mine was going to run away and live with his GFs family who were obviously so much more much more understanding than us, sexual frustration makes them say the silliest things.

I'd still have the talk with him though, there's nothing they can't do on a "sleepover" that can be done on a lazy Saturday afternoon when the house is empty after all.

TheWeeDonkey · 26/07/2021 19:57

@WallaceinAnderland

Accusations of transphobia on threads should be treated the same as troll - deleted. If you see a transphobic post, report it. If not, stop making stuff up.
I agree Wallace
R0wantrees · 26/07/2021 19:59

I went and had a chat with my DC again and this was the crux of the issue apparently. My DC was worried about her friend's feelings at not being treated that same. She spoke to him and he was fine with what I said.

I will obviously stick to my guns on this, it's just such a delicate thing to navigate when you have a child who is struggling with their gender.

There are many 14 year old girls worried about what their older boyfriend might think/do when sleepovers are prohibited by parents. These dynamics don't change in the presence of gender identity issues because they are sex-specific.

Katedanielshasakitty · 26/07/2021 19:59

My dd is bi her boyfriend is a trans boy.

She is allowed her female friends stay in her room. She isn't allowed anyone she is dating to stay over in her room.

Its a simple rule of the house. I don't think she will be having sex with her friends.

If a friend was a trans girl, they wouldn't stay in her room either as she is aware those decisions are based on sex not gender.

Luckily, dd is fully in board with the fact that some decisions need to be based on sex not gender. And honestly, I think most trans people do accept they have changed gender not sex and some rules need to be sex based. Not gender based.

Frenchfancy · 26/07/2021 20:03

"You tell your child that mixed gender sleepovers are fine but mixed sex sleepovers are not."

This would be my line too.

KimmyAndMe · 26/07/2021 20:32

My dd is bi her boyfriend is a trans boy

How old are they?

Katedanielshasakitty · 26/07/2021 20:43

@KimmyAndMe

My dd is bi her boyfriend is a trans boy

How old are they?

She is now 17. Why?
LynetteScavo · 26/07/2021 21:22

The teens but is a red herring.

I wouldn't let my gay DS (if I had one) have his BF sleep over at that age. I'd worry one would push the other further than they wanted to go. They need a couple of years more maturity to decide for themselves. The same with two girls. And definitely no sleepovers at that age where conforms might be needed.

Your teen can call you all the names you like. I have been called a bitch for making my teen out their own duvet cover on. It doesn't make them right (I'm definitely not a bitxh, I'd ironed the duvet cover and everything Wink)

Stay strong OP - the nonsense our teens throw at us will one day pass.

LynetteScavo · 26/07/2021 21:37

The trans bit, I mean.

The teens bit is extremely relevant!

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 26/07/2021 21:42

I am not getting this. Are you saying your daughter aged 15 wants a boy over??? I’d do no. I can’t be pandering to this nonsense. Of course you protect your daughter from pregnancy.

theThreeofWeevils · 26/07/2021 22:10

Luckily, dd is fully in board with the fact that some decisions need to be based on sex not gender

Then your DD is streets ahead of many supposedly responsible adults, too many of them in positions of considerable influence, @Katedanielshasakitty. Brava! to both of you.
And, @Firevixen, 'no' is THE most transphobic/unfair/unreasonable/mean/typical-of-you word EVER! (strike out those which do not apply). Your child might be identifying as trans but they are also, unquestionably, a teenager. Stick to your guns. Flowers

Darcymayx · 26/07/2021 22:13

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Micemakingclothes · 26/07/2021 22:16

No sleepovers that could result in pregnancy is a non-negotiable rule

No romantic partners is tricky because it can be hard to distinguish between a friend and a romantic interest.

MajesticWhine · 26/07/2021 22:20

@Darcymayx - Just because it might happen outside the home doesn't mean that parents should facilitate it.
At what age do you think it's ok to let them make their decision? The OPs child is 14. Under the legal age for sexual activity.
OP you're fine - stand firm.

Katedanielshasakitty · 26/07/2021 22:21

@theThreeofWeevils

Luckily, dd is fully in board with the fact that some decisions need to be based on sex not gender

Then your DD is streets ahead of many supposedly responsible adults, too many of them in positions of considerable influence, @Katedanielshasakitty. Brava! to both of you.
And, @Firevixen, 'no' is THE most transphobic/unfair/unreasonable/mean/typical-of-you word EVER! (strike out those which do not apply). Your child might be identifying as trans but they are also, unquestionably, a teenager. Stick to your guns. Flowers

Thank you.

We did have the period where anytime sex based rights was brought up, she thought it was transphobic. But womens sex based rights were to important to just let it past. From our discussions she has seen that you can support trans people AND also be concerned about sex based rights. But she has also met quote a few trans people who feel the same.

But her own journey, looking at her own sexuality helped. She doesn't consider herself a lesbian because her boyfriend is a trans boy. She also feels calling herself a lesbian would be invalidating her boyfriend. She also noted that she has never been attracted to a trans girl, though has friends who are trasn girls.

She believes she isn't attracted to biological males, regardless of how they choose to present now. And that she is attracted to biological females, regardless of how they present. and trans issues are mudding the waters on what her own sexuality is. But I told her she doesn't need to rush to put a label on it yet or at all.

She has also been labelled a transcribe herself for not wanting to date a trans girl.

So it's not just down to me. But I do consider myself lucky.

ZenNudist · 26/07/2021 22:22

No mixed sex sleepovers. Not in the same room especially. Even in the same house is dodgy ground. I had boys over who I claimed were sleeping on the sofa when I was 17, 18, after we got back from the pub. We were shagging 🙄!