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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Have been called transphobic by my trans child

254 replies

Firevixen · 26/07/2021 17:23

My trans boy child just called me transphobic because I said they couldn't have their boyfriend over for a sleepover because they have a penis. My DC is 14 and the BF is 15.

They asked me what about if they had a transgirl stay over and I said that would be a no too because they have a penis.

So my DC thinks I'm transphobic and that I think that they are going to go around having sex with everyone.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? no one in their right mind would let two underage teenagers of the opposite sex, who are dating, have a sleepover, would they?

OP posts:
Waitwhat23 · 27/07/2021 07:25

I think (though I may be wrong) that this thread started on the LBGT Children board and has been moved.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 27/07/2021 08:35

@Waitwhat23

I think (though I may be wrong) that this thread started on the LBGT Children board and has been moved.
If thats the case then that decision is completely and utterly wrong

The vast majority of posters are very careful when they go on that board as obviously out children are a very sensitive subject, i see that board as being more of a support board for parents (though i did ask MNHQ was i right inthinking that and they didn’t answer)

TheWeeDonkey · 27/07/2021 08:39

@Waitwhat23

I think (though I may be wrong) that this thread started on the LBGT Children board and has been moved.
Well thats wrong, why would they move it? This is a thread requesting parenting advice not a debate about the child's gender.

@MNHQ why has this been moved?

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 27/07/2021 08:49

I’ll report my post to see if we can get an answer

Somuddled · 27/07/2021 08:55

No relationship sleepovers at the age regardless of identity.

EdgeOfACoin · 27/07/2021 09:04

@Mockolate

Dunno why you need to bring teenagers' genitals into it at all, really - no boyfriends or girlfriends to sleep over until at least 16 is surely the point?

This! I'd just say no sleepover with your boyfriend, why would I mention his penis?! Confused
No wonder your child was a bit Hmm I mean they're not daft, they presumably know about the facts of life and that penises can get you pregnant by now!

My trans boy child just called me transphobic because I said they couldn't have their boyfriend over for a sleepover because they have a penis.

So your child's boyfriend isn't trans? That's what it sounds like - so what on earth do you need to mention "penis" for, just say no sleepover!
You've made it sound weird, I'd have been a bit Hmm if my mum had started wanging on about my boyfriend having a penis too lol, I'd probably have been like "erm, duh yeah, I know?!

Well, when the word 'boyfriend' referred to a biological male, there was no need to emphasise the penis. However, since I think the word 'boyfriend' now means 'romantic interest who conforms to culturally masculine stereotypes', unfortunately cruder language is required to make the same point.

Look, two biological females can't get pregnant. Two biological males can't get pregnant. Any parent with an ounce of sense will recognise the different risks in those set-ups.

And I agree that this discussion is more relevant to the LGBTQ parenting board than Feminism.

alkanet · 27/07/2021 09:10

Perhaps you should tell dc that if they continue to call you names, NO-ONE gets to sleep over?

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 27/07/2021 09:12

Well, when the word 'boyfriend' referred to a biological male, there was no need to emphasise the penis. However, since I think the word 'boyfriend' now means 'romantic interest who conforms to culturally masculine stereotypes', unfortunately cruder language is required to make the same point

Absolutely

This is what happens when people fuck around with meanings…sometimes it really doesn’t matter but in this sort of instance without the correct words biological words have to come into play

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 27/07/2021 09:12

Bum

Bold fail

DdraigGoch · 27/07/2021 09:15

@KidneyBeans

This thread has been posted in "Sex and Gender Discussion". The subject of this thread is the confusion of sex and gender. Seems like the right section to me.

This topic is sex and gender discussion in the FEMINISM topic, not sex and gender discussion generally. I too am struggling to see the feminist implications of this thread.

Then see my second point about the use of a single word to try and overrule safeguarding and silence women.
Branleuse · 27/07/2021 09:25

@therocinante

Dunno why you need to bring teenagers' genitals into it at all, really - no boyfriends or girlfriends to sleep over until at least 16 is surely the point?

By pointing out the friend's genitals you gave your child the impression that was the issue, not that they're too young to be having a sexual relationship.

Because its mainly about preventing pregnancies and STDs and exploitative relationships isnt it? I wouldnt let my son sleepover with a girlfriend but id let my daughter sleep over with her girlfriend.
Naunet · 27/07/2021 09:27

@Katypyee

Perhaps you didn't intend to be transphobic but I can see how your son could interpret it that way.

Whether a person has a penis or not is irrelevant. It is more the fact they are in a relationship.

I would also suggest that MN is probably not the best place to ask about trans related issues. Almost all the posts are anti-trans.

I would explain to your son, that the genitals of their partner is irrelevant. The issue you have is with their partner sleeping over when they are in a relationship.

No, a penis is not bloody irrelevant! You know how babies are made, right? Or do we all have to pretend we don’t now, so as not to be “transphobic”?! Good grief.
WhatKatyDidNot · 27/07/2021 09:54

I agree this thread is in the wrong place.

My immediate reaction, what with this being the sex and gender discussion board is to ask OP why she is calling her female child her son and to ask whether she thinks affirmation is the best route for children with cross sex identifications.

That she should not allow her 14 year old child to sleep overnight at her home and in the same room with a boyfriend is a given, surely?

KidneyBeans · 27/07/2021 10:49

Then see my second point about the use of a single word to try and overrule safeguarding and silence women.

None of which is what the OP asked about - she wanted parenting advice and would likely have got it without the wider safeguarding/silencing discussion had she posted it in the right place

Not every topic related to trans children is a feminist issue. If it was there wouldn't be a LGBTQ parenting board

Original poster
Firevixen · 27/07/2021 11:29

I asked this here because it is a sex and gender issue.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/07/2021 11:56

None of which is what the OP asked about - she wanted parenting advice and would likely have got it without the wider safeguarding/silencing discussion had she posted it in the right place

Are you suggesting that would be a good thing? No commentary on safeguarding in the right place REALLY!?!?!

LangCleg, we do indeed miss you!!!

Not every topic related to trans children is a feminist issue. If it was there wouldn't be a LGBTQ parenting board

And it is up the the OP which they choose. OP seems happy that this is wehre she intended to post.

ANewCreation · 27/07/2021 12:31

Back in the day there were myths/questions in teen magazines: could you get pregnant if you had sex standing up/for the first time/on your period etc

Today, teens with an unquestioning faith in gender which leads them to believe in:

  • the primacy of gender over sex
  • that if they say they are a boy and even trusted adults in their life call them one, they literally are one (despite their fully functioning female reproductive system)
-that it is 'transphobic' to suggest that the risk profile of a teenage male with an opposite sex gender identity is no different when it comes to sharing intimate spaces to a teenage male who says he is a boy -that they are in a 'gay' relationship with their opposite sex partner and no one can get pregnant from gay sex

...it is then, perhaps, unsurprising that they may find themselves just as at risk of pregnancy/STDs etc as the 'naive' teens of yesteryear.

KidneyBeans · 27/07/2021 12:47

@CuriousaboutSamphire

None of which is what the OP asked about - she wanted parenting advice and would likely have got it without the wider safeguarding/silencing discussion had she posted it in the right place

Are you suggesting that would be a good thing? No commentary on safeguarding in the right place REALLY!?!?!

LangCleg, we do indeed miss you!!!

Not every topic related to trans children is a feminist issue. If it was there wouldn't be a LGBTQ parenting board

And it is up the the OP which they choose. OP seems happy that this is wehre she intended to post.

You've clearly not bothered to read my posts, otherwise you wouldn't be asking daft questions

My point is that not all safeguarding or trans issues are feminist issues. Certainly some are. But I'm struggling to see the feminist issue here

Perhaps you could explain it to me?

KidneyBeans · 27/07/2021 12:48

@Firevixen

I asked this here because it is a sex and gender issue.
The topic is 'Feminism: sex and gender'
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/07/2021 13:12

@KidneyBeans I was asking. Your post really wasn't all that clear.

And the feminist thing is becaue that's how MNHQ have named the section.

OP obviously felt that the Feminsism: Gender/Sex Discussion was a better fit for her than the LGBTQ section. Entirely her choice.

Is it a thing on here today? To continually demand smaller and smaller segregated pods of discussion?

It's happening all over the place!

Tallwhitepine · 27/07/2021 13:34

@R0wantrees

I went and had a chat with my DC again and this was the crux of the issue apparently. My DC was worried about her friend's feelings at not being treated that same. She spoke to him and he was fine with what I said.

I will obviously stick to my guns on this, it's just such a delicate thing to navigate when you have a child who is struggling with their gender.

There are many 14 year old girls worried about what their older boyfriend might think/do when sleepovers are prohibited by parents. These dynamics don't change in the presence of gender identity issues because they are sex-specific.

Yes. You need to keep an eye on this, OP. Your child is sounding manipulated. It's a red flag.
PrincessNutella · 27/07/2021 13:39

Now I'm thinking that you should be right in child's face saying it's super transphobic to say that men can't have babies, too, and it's the duty of all good birthing bodies to tell their sons that they shouldn't sleep with males because they might become pregnant. And then admit that you were wrong to allow any sleepovers at all,. and in the future, all of them are CANCELED.

Battleneck · 27/07/2021 14:07

@Katedanielshasakitty

My dd is bi her boyfriend is a trans boy.

She is allowed her female friends stay in her room. She isn't allowed anyone she is dating to stay over in her room.

Its a simple rule of the house. I don't think she will be having sex with her friends.

If a friend was a trans girl, they wouldn't stay in her room either as she is aware those decisions are based on sex not gender.

Luckily, dd is fully in board with the fact that some decisions need to be based on sex not gender. And honestly, I think most trans people do accept they have changed gender not sex and some rules need to be sex based. Not gender based.

Have they changed gender though?

Surely they have changed gender expression, not gender?

Surely the whole point of their [batshit] ideology is that their gender has always been different to their sex (which was observed and recorded at birth) and doesn't change?

DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2021 14:13

my DC has a small room and they would have to share a bed.
Just because your DC is trans, doesn't mean the bf is. In fact he's almost certainly not.
My neice was staying with us for a week, and asked if her boyfriend could stay over because he was locked out of his accommodation. And that they would top and tail in our tiny single bed. No. They must think we're all stupid. Or maybe they don't quite get how heady the mix of hormones and a warm body in close proximity all night long is.

Illogicalmadness · 27/07/2021 14:23

bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

Bayswater Support group is a useful source of advice for parents of trans children.