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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Have been called transphobic by my trans child

254 replies

Firevixen · 26/07/2021 17:23

My trans boy child just called me transphobic because I said they couldn't have their boyfriend over for a sleepover because they have a penis. My DC is 14 and the BF is 15.

They asked me what about if they had a transgirl stay over and I said that would be a no too because they have a penis.

So my DC thinks I'm transphobic and that I think that they are going to go around having sex with everyone.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? no one in their right mind would let two underage teenagers of the opposite sex, who are dating, have a sleepover, would they?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 26/07/2021 18:53

Katypee*, posters on MN are not “anti trans” - we are pro safeguarding women’s and girls rights.
We are happy for trans people to have all the same rights as everyone else - just not the extra right to enter single sex spaces of the opposite sex.

Helleofabore · 26/07/2021 18:53

FFS

This is NOT a trans issue. To all those telling this parent that it is transphobic to mention 'penises' and opposite sex, please just stop. It is not transphobic to mention opposite sex or penises just as it is not homophobic to discuss same sex relationships would have similar boundaries.

The only people making it an issue is those who are stating discussing it using clear reasoning is phobic. And frankly, you are seeking to shame this parent too, who is clearly a loving caring parent responsibly looking after their child.

Well done in your shaming efforts.

Pastrydame · 26/07/2021 18:54

And we obviously have a special interest in safeguarding children, as so many of us have them knocking around at home somewhere.

R0wantrees · 26/07/2021 18:54

I would also suggest that MN is probably not the best place to ask about trans related issues. Almost all the posts are anti-trans.

Its a parenting website. The issue is under sixteen year old children who are in a relationship wanting to sleep together in parents' house.
A very common issue frequently discussed by adults here, because regardless of teenagers' gender identities it's a frequent point of tension.
Any 'anti-trans' posts can be reported.

Helleofabore · 26/07/2021 18:54

@Pastrydame

Why ask that question though? Why not just ask would someone allow any mixed sex sleepovers?
Because this parent is sense checking from their unique family perspective.
Pastrydame · 26/07/2021 18:56

Sorry, Hellofabore, I was replying to a poster who asked that very question (not the OP) immediately before my post.

HollowTalk · 26/07/2021 18:57

You are carrying out your duty by giving your child something to rebel against. And of course you're right. Just say "Nice try but no."

ThinkIveFoundYourMarbles · 26/07/2021 18:59

Whether a person has a penis or not is irrelevant.

Confused Some people on this thread seem to have forgotten how babies are made. The possibility of her 14 year old child getting pregnant is a legitimate concern for the OP.

Helleofabore · 26/07/2021 18:59

Apologies Pastrydame, I did get confused there.

ThinkIveFoundYourMarbles · 26/07/2021 19:00

@Helleofabore

FFS

This is NOT a trans issue. To all those telling this parent that it is transphobic to mention 'penises' and opposite sex, please just stop. It is not transphobic to mention opposite sex or penises just as it is not homophobic to discuss same sex relationships would have similar boundaries.

The only people making it an issue is those who are stating discussing it using clear reasoning is phobic. And frankly, you are seeking to shame this parent too, who is clearly a loving caring parent responsibly looking after their child.

Well done in your shaming efforts.

And yes, agree completely with this post.
SuccessfullySaved · 26/07/2021 19:00

Purely in the interests of not coming over as transphobic to OP's teen... it's almost impossible to come up with a set of rules to keep everyone safe without admitting that the biological sex of the people involved is relevant

GoWalkabout · 26/07/2021 19:03

No sleepovers between teens of opposite sex or who are dating should cover it.

Helleofabore · 26/07/2021 19:04

yes, successfully. So it is far better to be completely unambiguous about it.

Hallyup6 · 26/07/2021 19:04

Whatever your child identifies as, as ridiculous as it all is, they're still a child and there's no emotional maturity there. No children of the opposite sex should be staying overnight, likewise anyone they believe they're in a relationship with. It's not transphobic, it's safeguarding your underage child.

GoWalkabout · 26/07/2021 19:05

Because pregnancy, STDs and impulsivity of teens (who might go further than they feel comfortable with at their age and stage).

thirdfiddle · 26/07/2021 19:05

I think no sleepovers with romantic partners, and no sleepovers with friends of opposite physical sex. If it's two girls or girl and transboy the worst case scenario is less bad so I'd be more willing to risk they were lying or change their minds about romantic partner status.

CiaoForNiao · 26/07/2021 19:08

Whether a person has a penis or not is irrelevant. It is more the fact they are in a relationship.
Of course penises are relevant. 2 vulvas can't get pregnant. 2 penises can't get pregnant. 1 of each can.

I would also suggest that MN is probably not the best place to ask about trans related issues. Almost all the posts are anti-trans.
Yes 99% of posts on here are transphobic. Even the ones about buggies on buses. Bottle vs breast feeding. Masks. Vaccination vs no Vaccination. All transphobic. Ffs.

OP you are not transphobic. You are sensible.

My friends parents actually did allow mixed sex sleepovers when we were teens. But there was always about 15 of us, in one room. With the door open. And none of us were dating.

Eyjafjallajokulldottir · 26/07/2021 19:10

@RaindropsOnRosie

You're right to not allow sleepovers for young teens who are dating- you're not right to say it's because your child's boyfriend has a penis. Whether their boyfriend has a penis or vagina, they can still have sex.

The transphobes replying with the sex vs. gender argument should be ignored, they just want attention.

Yes but 2 vaginas can't make a baby, a penis and a vagina can, regardless of gender. is this news to you? Confused this has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with sex. Are you uncertain of the difference? Maybe try Google it can be quite useful I find.
whatthejiggeries · 26/07/2021 19:11

Well they always have something to throw at you when they don't get their own way. You are right - of course you are

AlfonsoTheMango · 26/07/2021 19:15

@Firevixen

So, it seems there is a mix of reactions here. To the people who say sex is irrelevant, would you allow friends of the opposite sex to sleepover? bearing in mind my DC has a small room and they would have to share a bed.

To make things more complicated, I said yes to my DC having a sleepover at another trans boys house, as they are both biological girls. Should it just be a blanket, no boys rule, regardless of sex?

No, no sleepovers if one child is male and the other is female. And no sleepovers if the two children are romantically involved no matter what their sex.

Yes, if the two girls are not dating there is no problem with a sleepover.

KidneyBeans · 26/07/2021 19:18

@iwantavuvezela

Would it not be two teenagers who are dating? That makes sense to me ... not the focus on whether they have a penis .... I agree that I wouldn’t allow a sleepover at that age between two teenagers who are dating .... it does sound transphobic to me
It's the potential for procreation that is the main cause for concern I.e. the opposite sex concern.

The trans status/gender identity is irrelevant to this concern. It is not transphobic to say so, in the same way it's not homophobic to be concerned about teen pregnancies

Opposite sex sleep overs raise different concerns to single sex sleepovers

KidneyBeans · 26/07/2021 19:21

@Katypyee

Perhaps you didn't intend to be transphobic but I can see how your son could interpret it that way.

Whether a person has a penis or not is irrelevant. It is more the fact they are in a relationship.

I would also suggest that MN is probably not the best place to ask about trans related issues. Almost all the posts are anti-trans.

I would explain to your son, that the genitals of their partner is irrelevant. The issue you have is with their partner sleeping over when they are in a relationship.

Please explain how the concern of teen pregnancies in a mixed sex sleepover is irrelevant?
Original poster
Firevixen · 26/07/2021 19:24

@Christmasfairy2020

I don't understand this situation tbh. Shes a boy now. He's a boy and wants to be a boy. So he likes her as a girl ? If she wants to be a boy does she not need to he dating a homosexual
That's a whole other thread, the BF has come out as bi to his parents since dating my DC.
OP posts:
Staffy1 · 26/07/2021 19:24

So how is it transphobic if you allowed a sleep over with another trans boy, but not with a non trans boy?

Waitwhat23 · 26/07/2021 19:33

@ThinkIveFoundYourMarbles

Whether a person has a penis or not is irrelevant.

Confused Some people on this thread seem to have forgotten how babies are made. The possibility of her 14 year old child getting pregnant is a legitimate concern for the OP.

Precisely. It's quite astounding how deficit some people's understanding of human biology seems to be.

Someone on another thread mentioned the idea of a '3 strikes' policy on people who say transphobic without good cause. I'm starting to think its a good idea. If anyone think any post on this thread is transphobic, I assume you have reported it as such?