Have been called transphobic by my trans child

[Firevixen]

My trans boy child just called me transphobic because I said they couldn't have their boyfriend over for a sleepover because they have a penis. My DC is 14 and the BF is 15.

They asked me what about if they had a transgirl stay over and I said that would be a no too because they have a penis.

So my DC thinks I'm transphobic and that I think that they are going to go around having sex with everyone.

I'm not being unreasonable am I? no one in their right mind would let two underage teenagers of the opposite sex, who are dating, have a sleepover, would they?

I would just say, the gender is not the issue - the opposite sex is a flat no at this stage.

It is not really about the trans status is it? More about people who are dating and underage not being in a position where they are likely to have sex.

No opposite sex sleepovers is perfectly reasonable.
I'm not sure you're making the situation as clear as you might by using 'boy' and 'girl' interchangeably regardless of sex. If you laid down strong boundaries about the language of naming physical realities, it might be easier when it comes to actually defending physical boundaries!

Nevertheless, your (female) child is 14. Opposite sex sleepovers in the same bed with male children is obviously inappropriate.

At 14 I wouldn't allow anyone of the opposite sex to sleep over, whether they are trans or not.

I also wouldn't allow anyone they were in a romantic relationship to sleep over, whether they are the same or the opposite sex.

I don't see how either of those could be construed as transphobic since they apply to anyone who is trans as well as anyone who isn't.

Agree with poster above. Tell them no opposite sex. They should understand the difference between biological sex and gender.

I like your kid’s ingenuity! If you’d said “0f course a ‘trans girl’ can sleep over”, how long do we think it would have taken for the boyfriend to discover a hitherto unsuspected trans identity?!

No mixed sex sleepovers seems a perfectly reasonable rule, regardless of gender identity.

Would it not be two teenagers who are dating?

This!
I’d say no one you’re dating but then they might not be upfront.

It could be no sleepovers with the opposite genitalia but with trans kids it might be hard to tell what biological sex they are.

I had many friends that were boys at that age and if they wanted to stay over we’d have to sleep in the front room. We were left alone for the most part but someone could walk in any minute so there was no funny business. As they get older you could fo something similar or get them to leave the bedroom door open and make a point of everyone keep walking past.

I personally wouldn't let my 14yo have a 15yo romantic partner sleepover, no matter the exact configuration of any of their genitals 🤷‍♀️ If the trans issue is informing your decision here, then I have to say that might be transphobic. But, if I've understood this correctly, in this situation, the trans kid is your own, and it doesn't sound like you'd be happy with a boyfriend staying over, regardless of your own child's gender identity? So that sounds very equal opportunities parenting to me!

FWIW when you're talking any sort of sexual contact below the age of consent there are so so many issues to take into consideration (as well as STIs). I wouldn't be getting too hung up on "pregnancy avoidance" as the main goal here.

I would let a gay or lesbian 14yo have their boyfriend/girlfriend sleep over either. But definitely no opposite sex sleepovers regardless of relationship status at that age. It’s not age appropriate.

@Theunamedcat

Nice try sweetie but and acts that can add to the population are a no no under my roof end of discussion 🙄

I'd be saying the same thing. Nice fucking try but that doesn't work on me.

No sleepovers with anyone who can get you pregnant. The end.

I would also suggest that MN is probably not the best place to ask about trans related issues. Almost all the posts are anti-trans

This isn't a trans issue. No matter how much you try to make it. This is boundary pushing that all teenagers do.

No to sleepovers of anyone you are dating. Whether that's heterosexual, bi, gay, trans, a banana, anything.
Why? Because you are not supposed to have sex until 16.

@iwantavuvezela

Would it not be two teenagers who are dating? That makes sense to me ... not the focus on whether they have a penis .... I agree that I wouldn’t allow a sleepover at that age between two teenagers who are dating .... it does sound transphobic to me

I get what you mean, and I know it's tough to adjust - it's a whole new world! But I would not label a 14 year old "transphobic" thirdhand. He's 14, and of course he's going to try to manipulate events to get his way. He's already not happy being female; of course he's going to glom on to anything that agrees with that view. It's not necessarily transphobic or any other kind of phobic to try to be close to the person he thinks he wants to be in a relationship with (although it is wrong to lie to achieve that).

Please try not to use "transphobic" gratuitously; it causes problems for people who actually are victims of transphobia around the world.

No you can't have males sleep over in your bedroom
"Transphobic!"

No you can't go on your own to Benidorm.
"Transphobic!"

Tidy your room
"Transphobic!"

I think that horse bolted long ago.

You are not being transphobic- you are being a responsible mum.
It would be a no from me too whatever the genital configuration.
You can't identify out of pregnancy

I don't understand this situation tbh. Shes a boy now. He's a boy and wants to be a boy. So he likes her as a girl ? If she wants to be a boy does she not need to he dating a homosexual

@Firevixen

So, it seems there is a mix of reactions here. To the people who say sex is irrelevant, would you allow friends of the opposite sex to sleepover? bearing in mind my DC has a small room and they would have to share a bed.

To make things more complicated, I said yes to my DC having a sleepover at another trans boys house, as they are both biological girls. Should it just be a blanket, no boys rule, regardless of sex?

You tell your child that mixed gender sleepovers are fine but mixed sex sleepovers are not.

And that if they wish to discuss the difference calmly and without the insults you will be there, ready when they are.

But don't take advice on those differences from any poster who seriously types up I would explain to your son, that the genitals of their partner is irrelevant.

How the hell some people expect to safeguard kids with that claptrap is beyond me. @Katypyee regardless of gender a working penis and willing vagina often result in pregnancy. So maybe engage brain and consider the realities of the situation OPP is in before spouting such woke twaddle.

Should it just be a blanket, no boys rule, regardless of sex?

What do you mean. If you are male you are a boy. How can that be regardless of sex.

There is no need to overcomplicate it OP.

The "focus on the penis" a pp is objecting to is because the penis is the body part the sperm come out of that could impregnate the female parts of the OP's son.

Whether their boyfriend has a penis or vagina, they can still have sex.

Two vaginas are not at risk of pregnancy though are they.

Would people allow a sleep over between a trans boy and a trans girl who are not in a relationship?

Why ask that question though? Why not just ask would someone allow any mixed sex sleepovers?