The same as racism? Help me out please.

[talkingdeadscot]

So, after yet another discussion last night, my DH said that my insistence that I would not allow a TW to perform an intimate examination at the doctors on me as akin to racism. I don't think it is but I can't articulate why. Why is my refusal to accept TWAW as discriminatory as racism? He says it's because I'm denying a minority exists and has rights. I said I'd also refuse a man but apparently TWAW so that's not the same even if I personally refuse to accept that TWAW (which I do)

Help!

Would your DH (if he wasnt married to you!) be prepared to enter a romantic relationship with a male-bodied person who identified as a woman? If not, this is by his definition the same as racism

@SmellsLikeTeenBedroom

Would your DH (if he wasnt married to you!) be prepared to enter a romantic relationship with a male-bodied person who identified as a woman? If not, this is by his definition the same as racism

Already covered upthread. He says "yes" apparently.

(Mind you I bet if he was in such a relationship and they decided they wanted to start a family, he'd know exactly what sort of woman they needed to exploit as a surrogate.)

Ffs, no person has the right to perform intimate exams on anyone without their consent - regardless of if they identify as a woman, a man or a sodding stethoscope. You have the right to ask for an alternative with any HCP if the person taking care of you makes you feel uncomfortable, and that extends to trans identifying medical professionals.

Power of Attorney! That's the phrase I was looking for,! I knew you could have one for financial responsibility, I wasn't sure if it was the same for healthcare

Yes you often get it for both finance and healthcare, it's two separate documents.

How on earth does not wanting people to touch your vulva equate to denying that those people exist?

There are about 7 billion people in the world whom I don’t want touching my vulva. I am fully aware that those 7 billion people exist.

I’ve never met one of these lefty dude bros (like OP’s husband) in real life ... is his view a common one in the UK?

Ps I’m still RTFT, sorry if the convo has moved way beyond.

There are about 7 billion people in the world whom I don’t want touching my vulva. I am fully aware that those 7 billion people exist.

Quite. Its a nonsense argument. Guilt tripping women into letting men do private examinations,,its fucking vile really.

I’ve never met one of these lefty dude bros (like OP’s husband) in real life ... is his view a common one in the UK?

One of my friends was very much like the OPs husband. I dragged him over the coals a few times for replying to women to guilt trip them, he stopped speaking to me for a while. Until his mother had some gyne issues. He got it then, after he tried the whole 'its bigotted to ask for women!' stuff on her. He now..'gets it' or so he says, but it seems to not be totally, but he is getting there.

@2BthatUnnoticed

How on earth does not wanting people to touch your vulva equate to denying that those people exist?

There are about 7 billion people in the world whom I don’t want touching my vulva. I am fully aware that those 7 billion people exist.

I’ve never met one of these lefty dude bros (like OP’s husband) in real life ... is his view a common one in the UK?

Ps I’m still RTFT, sorry if the convo has moved way beyond.

Apparently because if I would allow a female nurse to perform the procedure but not a TW then I'm projecting certain characteristics on the TW purely because they're a TW.

This explanation by my DH puts the TW firmly in the category of 'woman' whereas for me a TW is still in the category of 'man'. That would cause distress to the TW (bugger what I feel). It also completely disregards the fact that if there were only a male gp or nurse available to do the procedure (highly unlikely) then I would have the right to a chaperone (for all our protections).

Call TW women and you can get away with all sorts of things those pesky women don't want.

Apparently because if I would allow a female nurse to perform the procedure but not a TW then I'm projecting certain characteristics on the TW purely because they're a TW.

What does he make of transwomen who fully admit they are male? Is it only the biology denying ones that he supports? I have found that it tends to be transsexual people who admit biology overall, while 'transgender' would be more likely to fall on the 'female penis' side of the argument..

@HeadIsFucked

Apparently because if I would allow a female nurse to perform the procedure but not a TW then I'm projecting certain characteristics on the TW purely because they're a TW.

What does he make of transwomen who fully admit they are male? Is it only the biology denying ones that he supports? I have found that it tends to be transsexual people who admit biology overall, while 'transgender' would be more likely to fall on the 'female penis' side of the argument..

@HeadisFucked Interesting question and one I don't know the answer to. I'm not going to bring the subject up again as I know enough to know this isn't someone I want an intimate relationship with any longer.

I'm sorry you're going through this

I know enough to know this isn't someone I want an intimate relationship with any longer.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry OP

OP

Sorry @talkingdeadscot, it's never a nice feeling.

I'm sorry too OP.

I've been wondering how you were doing.

I'm sure many would dismiss your feelings as overreacting, inc your (not so D) H but FWIW I don't think you had much choice.

Still, I am sorry.

I’m sorry, talkingdeadscot. I’ve just caught up with this thread now, and I really feel for you.

Sometimes it’s not the biggest events that make us suddenly reevaluate our relationships. My first marriage finally hit its death spiral over a dislocated shoulder, because everything that happened around that incident brought to light what my ex husband actually thought of me and my role in relation to him.

I'm sorry it has come to this OP, but I totally see why it has.

It feels to me like he's been indulging in acting the good guy, at your expense, while enjoying a nice side-order of socially acceptable misogyny.

Just a thought on this whole, 'it's just like race' thing - should we have to agree to be examined by a white doctor wearing black-face (or vice-versa) and cheerfully collude in their appropriation of race? Would that be acceptable?

I had similar debates with my husband and it had a significant effect on our relationship. He banned me from talking about it because he got annoyed when I got animated/passionate talking about it.

He actually has changed his views after I confronted him with ‘what is a woman, if not connected to biological sex?’ and ‘ so you’d be happy having sex and getting married to a trans woman with a penis?’ Weirdly, he never told me he’d changed his mind, but told a mutual friend.

I haven’t entirely forgiven his attitude and that he couldn’t see how women’s rights were being eroded- or simply didn’t care.

I'm very sorry OP. I couldn't live with that either

I’m very sorry, talkingdeadscot.

@talkingdeadscot, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

OP Just wanted to tell you I'm sorry and I was thinking about you.

I wouldn’t trust him with your medical choices if for whatever reason you aren’t able to voice them.