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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Postnatal ward with male partners

203 replies

Badhairtoday · 16/01/2021 13:56

Hi everyone,
I don’t want to debate whether other women should be allowed partners staying overnight on postnatal wards but this really gave me anxiety in my last birth (I won’t go into details of what happened but was too ‘out of it’ to say anything at the time)

I want to know what my options are this time. I will be speaking to someone from the hospital to discuss but wanted to know if I have any rights at all to challenge this, legally even.
I’m usually high risk so have to give birth on labour ward so inevitably will end up on postnatal ward for a number of days. I know they aren’t going to kick out the men for me but wondering If I have the right to ask to be on a female only bay? Side rooms are only for those with a clinical need.

Another hospital would be ideal but it’s too far away and I don’t see why I need to inconvenience myself because the hospital aren’t taking my feelings into account.

Would be great if someone can help. Have contacted various birth rights type organisations but haven’t had any response.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Badhairtoday · 18/01/2021 15:57

Alrightharry thanks for this. That’s reassuring but I wonder if it’s worth me making a complaint first to get them to take me seriously. I wasn’t informed beforehand in any way. Compete shock and it’s taken me many months to work out how wrong it all was. I felt anxious and worried but I was too busy to deal with myself and baby to dwell on it if that makes sense.

I’m not saying I won’t try for a baby if I know I’ll have to share but I want to be in a better place where I at least will ‘know’ what I’m dealing with. That will help me a lot mentally.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 18/01/2021 15:58

Jeez what’s with the tone police? Nothing wrong with the OP’s tone.

Horehound · 18/01/2021 15:58

Oh I understand it. It is shit and we all want our own rooms....

Doesn't mean we will get it though. 🤷I don't know what you want people to say really. We can all have our opinions about what would be good but that's not what you're asking. And unless you know people's qualifications and jobs and that they actually work in this field and can say what your rights are matter-of-factly...well, we could say anything, doesn't mean we are right. You can't take Joe Bloggs from the internet's opinion as correct and then you get to hospital and they say "no, that's not right" ... you'd be very upset and confused and disappointed. So best go down official routes, whatever they are! I guess if I were in your shoes I would write to the hospital first of all.

LizFlowers · 18/01/2021 16:17

@Sexnotgender

Jeez what’s with the tone police? Nothing wrong with the OP’s tone.
I agree, I didn't get that at all.
endofthelinefinally · 18/01/2021 16:18

I trained as a midwife back in the 70s. I can only speak for my hospital, but we had midwives, student midwives, auxiliary nursing assistants and nursery nurses. Visiting was no more than 2 visitors per bed, no children. 1 hour in the afternoon. 1 hour in the evening. The ward was closed for an hour after lunch for quiet rest time. There was a ward nursery.
1 consultant ward round a day. The registrar came to the ward so that mums could register their babies. First timers were in for up to 7 days, others for 48 hours. CS up to 10 days. All meals brought to the bedside for first 48 hours.
I know we don't have the money for that now, but IMO it was better.
In the 80s I moved to a bigger hospital in London. No student midwives, but we did have student nurses. They had open visiting from 2pm till 8pm. It was mayhem. Crowds of people with their picnics and takeaways, screeching kids who got bored after the first half hour, you couldn't get near the women to give basic care and the visitors were always using the toilets. There was much more rudeness generally.
It has all gone downhill from there.
Women deserve better but, as we know, women and their health are at the bottom of the heap.

Flittingaboutagain · 18/01/2021 16:21

I'm pregnant now and I really hope my Trust still have the current policy that due to Covid partners have to book a one hour visit time and slot on the ward and can't stay over. As much as I might want my partner there because I anticipate short staffing might make it all a struggle, I believe men shouldn't be allowed to stay over for the psychological safety of all women.

Original poster
Badhairtoday · 18/01/2021 16:24

Horehound I posted on here for a heads up before I spoke with hospital due to the complete hijacking that went on the other thread. Would have been good to speak to someone in the know but I trust most women here would not pass their opinion as fact and so far nobody has. But I have gained some insight on many things and also the idea of writing to MP’s or making a complaint about what I had to deal with. If you are ok with that’s fine but I am not you -you and many others found that rude but I felt the need to spell it out like that as you and others weren’t getting it or refusing to get it. But instead you are getting quite wound up with me I’m not sure why. Not that I have to justify to you why I asked on here. If you don’t have anything constructive to say then don’t try to silence me in speaking out in what I thought would be a safe space but I suppose any one can follow me from one thread to the next...

Anyway I’m glad I posted on this section, have had lots of support which I needed mentally and also advice on what I could do even if I didn’t get to learn my legal rights. So yes it’s been helpful. Like I said before I can’t turn off comments but people are still commenting so I am replying. If you don’t like it then you know what you can do.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 18/01/2021 16:42

You can't turn off comments but you can hide the thread - I'm not sure how to do it on the app, but if you are on a PC the link is as the top of the page.

But you don't have to feel obliged to answer everyone. I dont think you are being snippy and we all know you weren't demanding your own room.
It shouldn't be too much to ask that a maternity ward focus on the needs of the women giving birth.

Postnatal ward with male partners
Original poster
Badhairtoday · 18/01/2021 16:57

Thanks TheInebriati

Thanks to everyone who commented and the support I read every message. I may come back to post about the outcome

OP posts:
Horehound · 18/01/2021 17:04

I do hope you get the birth you want :)

Original poster
Badhairtoday · 18/01/2021 17:07

Thank you Horehound

OP posts:
Lammergeier · 18/01/2021 17:24

I've had two kids, nearly 3 years apart, same hospital.

DD born in 2013: no partners allowed on the postnatal ward outside of visiting hours.
DS born in 2015: partners allowed to stay overnight. As my DH was at home caring for our first child that was not an option for me. I'd had a CS so was immobile and catheterised, and I didn't like that all that separated me and my baby was a thin curtain, and that I could hear everyone else's private medical business. I didn't like that there were men present when I stood up for the first time after birth and a tonne of blood and goop fell out of me onto the floor. I didn't like the curtains being pulled back during the day.

I was lucky, the men staying over were quiet and respectful, didn't snore and seemed to be helpful to their partners. But it still seemed unacceptable to me.

roarfeckingroarr · 18/01/2021 17:40

I had my baby 13 weeks ago (Chelsea and Westminster) and was very happy when the men were told to leave at 8pm.

Alrightharry · 18/01/2021 18:35

Yes OP if this is something that upset you last time I would definitely complain. The NHS always say they welcome feedback and the experience has obviously stayed with you. I think lots of women are overwhelmed by the birth, then having a new baby at home, there isn't the time or headspace to complain about this issue.

It's not just complaining for the sake of it, it's making your voice heard. Their response will also give you the information you need for any future maternity ward experiences.

RedPandaFluff · 19/01/2021 11:20

Haven't RTFT but am curious to know, as a woman who had an emergency c-section and very much needed my partner on the ward with me afterwards, why (according to some posters on this thread) my needs come secondary to women who don't want men on the wards?

@Bathroom12345 - you said that your position is that there should be no males on a female ward, and "if you think that isn't fair, you should either have a home birth or go private". But why should I go private? Why shouldn't the women who want no men on the ward go private?

I agree there is no easy solution, and in an ideal world there would be two areas, one for women who don't want men on the ward and another for women who want their partners to be there. Sadly, I don't think this is going to happen any time soon.

Nicknamegoeshere · 19/01/2021 11:22

Is home birth an option? I can thoroughly recommend! Smile

MissBarbary · 19/01/2021 11:53

and I didn't like that all that separated me and my baby was a thin curtain, and that I could hear everyone else's private medical business

That applies to everyone who hasn't gone private or has a medical reason to be in a single room.

MissBarbary · 19/01/2021 11:54

Sorry, meant anyone in all hospital situations.

randomsabreuse · 19/01/2021 12:00

@RedPandaFluff

If there had been adequate staffing (effectively a member of staff (not necessarily a midwife) per patient in the ward) you would not have "needed" your husband after a C-section.

Only in maternity does someone who has had a major abdominal operation (they emphasise how major if trying to discourage an ELCS) become effectively not a patient while still in hospital but rather a carer of a patient.

With adequate staffing partners would be unnecessary, and it would be fine for them to just visit.

It would help if staff didn't make you feel inconvenient for asking them for help to the toilet/to pass the baby you can't lift...

RedPandaFluff · 19/01/2021 12:04

@randomsabreuse regardless of hospital staff numbers, I did need my DH. I won't go into the details of why, save to say that I had a very difficult/traumatic pregnancy from a mental health point of view, and I feel as strongly about needing him there as many women feel about NOT wanting men there.

Why would my needs come second to someone else's?

randomsabreuse · 19/01/2021 12:24

Mental health reasons are separate and should be dealt with, including private ensuite rooms...

I'd assume you'd do better without the sleep deprivation of other people's babies waking up and yelling..

RedPandaFluff · 19/01/2021 12:29

But the OP states that men being present in the wards "really gave me anxiety in my last birth".

Is anxiety not a mental health issue?

randomsabreuse · 19/01/2021 12:35

In the wards generally means in the multi bed bays (4/6 women plus babies and partners) using the (limited) shared toilet facilities rather than the (often very distant) visitor facilities. Totally different to a private en suite room sharing only with you...

My hospital only allowed men to stay overnight in private rooms with en suite facilities, I was in a bay and never saw any of the overnight male visitors despite spending a while wandering to get my induction going...

RedPandaFluff · 19/01/2021 12:44

Sorry, @randomsabreuse, I don't get the point you're making, but I'm a bit fuzzy-headed at the moment so it's probably my fault! Partners weren't allowed to stay overnight on my ward either but I really wanted him to, simply because night was the same as day in all practical respects.

However, my point was simply:

I wanted my partner there with me on the ward overnight due to anxiety.

OP (and others on this thread) don't want men on the wards overnight due to anxiety.

Yet, I'm the one being told I should have a home birth (impossible, c-section) or go private. Why?

randomsabreuse · 19/01/2021 13:19

I had a lot of anxiety after the birth (mostly focussed around falling asleep and suffocating/ dropping the baby or breaking them while changing nappies). This would have been helped by adequate staffing meaning less pressure on bespoke solutions to more severe and less common issues like yours.

In a lot of ways a multi bedded bay with curtains for "privacy" is the worst of all worlds - limited/no natural light if not by the windows (crap for both mental health and babies avoiding jaundice), limited space for anything (there was approximately 10cm between the edge of my bed and the curtain on one side, baby's cot was at the end and the bedside table touched the other wall of the bay) - hospital was designed before beds grew a lot. Somehow I had to change and feed baby, digging out multiple changes of clothes (mine were both pukers) well aware I was impinging on my neighbour's space. Find space to store puked on clothes/blood stained bottoms (catheter made my pad leak) separate from clean clothes.

The argument for bays is that it is supposedly easier to check on all patients quickly, but not with curtains closed to allow "private" breastfeeding...

In an ideal world the vast majority of new mums would not need their partner - because they'd feel safe that staff would respond when required and not half an hour later if at all...