Postnatal ward with male partners

[Badhairtoday]

Hi everyone,
I don’t want to debate whether other women should be allowed partners staying overnight on postnatal wards but this really gave me anxiety in my last birth (I won’t go into details of what happened but was too ‘out of it’ to say anything at the time)

I want to know what my options are this time. I will be speaking to someone from the hospital to discuss but wanted to know if I have any rights at all to challenge this, legally even.
I’m usually high risk so have to give birth on labour ward so inevitably will end up on postnatal ward for a number of days. I know they aren’t going to kick out the men for me but wondering If I have the right to ask to be on a female only bay? Side rooms are only for those with a clinical need.

Another hospital would be ideal but it’s too far away and I don’t see why I need to inconvenience myself because the hospital aren’t taking my feelings into account.

Would be great if someone can help. Have contacted various birth rights type organisations but haven’t had any response.

Thank you

Michelle sorry I don’t understand your question. My initial post was if anyone knew what my rights were to have a female only space but we started discussing experiences etc. So there isn’t anything else I personally need know but I don’t know how to close comments

This is interesting. I work in a hospital and relatives have asked to stay overnight there’s sometimes cases where we do allow it.

Men staying in a woman’s bay is not on in my opinion I’m shocked that this is allowed. It shouldn’t be allowed tbh. It’s NOT allowed on the general wards.

The curtains are no privacy at all. I still recall when the male consultant flung wide the curtains on his ward round with all his entourage in tow whilst I was naked from the waist up attached to a double breast pump. I can still almost feel the searing humiliation. I could also hear everything that was discussed about all the other women. All the intimate detail, safeguarding stuff, health about their babies.

Reminds me so much of my birth experience, it was nearly 10 years ago so hopefully things have changed a bit but I just found the whole thing SO undignified with no privacy and often when it wasn’t necessary. In labour people were in and out the room, I was strapped up in stirrups for an instrumental birth, completely exposed and there were strange men in the room that nobody bothered to introduce, people walking about at the feet whilst I was being stitched, people talking about me like I wasn’t there, being left uncovered and exposed when I didn’t need to be. This attitude continued on the postnatal ward with similar to what you describe. It’s like there’s this embedded attitude that privacy and dignity are pointless when a woman is giving birth or on a postnatal ward. I think the entire mindset and attitude and culture needs to change before these kinds of problems the OP describes are taken seriously :(

Arabella time and time again i mentioned on that other thread that private isn’t an option we live in the NW for a start, we need to stay local for various reasons. I could afford a private room but that’s not available at my hospital. Why would I want to go through this, I’m not a martyr. Private is an option for many women but I am not one of them for financial reasons as well as logistical. And so I am asking deeper questions as to why there isn’t a choice for all women and not just those who can afford it

I’m not asking for a private luxuries to warrant spending thousands of pounds on my own private midwife and obstetrician etc etc I just want the same thing I had when I had my first child. A bay with only women. It’s a shame I need to go private for that now.

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Aaaah this again. I seem to remember you aren't even pregnant so who knows, plus you may not even need to stay overnight. You're getting way ahead of yourself. This thread also isn't helped by your irritable responses at times when anything isn't to your liking. The paying to go private is the perfect example; but if you want things done a specific way then you need to pay for it. The phrase "wet women" is rude and dismissive. Others may think you're "wet" for making these kind of demands.

Private maternity wards do not exist in most of the country: how does telling someone who in all likelihood won't be able to access private healthcare from a logistical standpoint help at all?

Why should women be told to spend 10k simply because they want to sleep on a single sex ward? So you're fine with mixed sex wards, great for you. A lot of women aren't - as can be seen on this thread.

Arabella I’m so sorry I genuinely and honestly did not start another thread to do this, I just wanted help in my options. Somebody upthread says I’m getting ahead of myself as I’m not pregnant yet which I find insulting as if I am going to plan when to start ttc then of course I am going to plan where said baby will be born.
Anyway not sure how to close comments as we are going round in circles

Whatkatydid Can you please quote my so called ‘irritable responses?’ Seems you are irritable because I dare ask others what my options are? And also where I said ‘wet women’ I think you are the same person on the other thread that most likely deliberately misquoted me. You seem to focus on my tone a lot when I don’t think there is much wrong with it. You have come on this thread not to offer any advice but to criticise what I am asking, my tone and have gone on to misquote me. Why did you come here? Or is it a free speech thing?

Sorry where did I say ‘wet women’? Instead of offering an apology for misquoting me you have disappeared

Surely this has to be one of those situations where "no" trumps "yes", with the best will in the world, and deepest sympathy for women who've had traumatic birth experiences.

"No, I do not want men who are complete strangers to me just a curtain away when I am in pain, vulnerable, exhausted, partially clothed and desperately in need of peace and rest in the early hours of the morning" trumps "I had a wretched birth experience therefore need my husband there."

Someone upthread contrasted her birth experience with her appendectomy, saying how much better the overnight care was for the appendectomy. I had the opposite experience - 5 days in hospital with choleocystitis and a raging infection. The nursing staff on the night shift first night gave me extremely strong anti-emetics to go with the doxycyclene (which was making me vomit) without telling me the anti-emetics would make me faint and I shouldn't go to the toilet unaided. I passed out in the loo, narrowly avoided hitting my head on the way down.

No-one suggests that the answer to inadequate nursing on general or surgical wards is having family members stay overnight - why should it suddenly become the ideal solution on maternity wards?

Press for better staffing ratios on maternity wards, not men overnight.

Michelle sorry I don’t understand your question.

Just would anything else help you. I'd like to be able to do something positive about this too.

It's a situation that brings out strong feelings in women not least because it's grotty whichever way you think about it, and a lot of women have had bad experiences either way. The answer has to be systems moving to planned choice. As a pp said, it shouldn't have to be a side is picked with one group losing to the other, that helps no one.

Why should women be told to spend 10k simply because they want to sleep on a single sex ward? So you're fine with mixed sex wards, great for you. A lot of women aren't - as can be seen on this thread.

Also the vast majority of women cannot afford that. Why should their privacy and dignity be compromised because they’re not as wealthy?

@Badhairtoday

I’m not asking for a private luxuries to warrant spending thousands of pounds on my own private midwife and obstetrician etc etc I just want the same thing I had when I had my first child. A bay with only women. It’s a shame I need to go private for that now.

It is, perhaps, unlikely there will be a bay with only women as I suspect the majority of women would prefer their partners with them. I do think your best bet is to request a private room and explain your reasons.

It is, perhaps, unlikely there will be a bay with only women as I suspect the majority of women would prefer their partners with them.

There will be women who are single at the time of giving birth, and women whose partners need to go home to look after existing children.

I think the pool of mothers who will be on their own overnight will actually be bigger than you might think.

In a ward with 4 and 6 bed bays, it wouldn't be too hard to try to juggle things to get women on their own into one bay and women with partners into another. It's the sort of preference that could be recorded on a woman's maternity notes: "yes I will have my partner to keep me company overnight/ no I will not have a partner with me overnight and would like to be in a women-only bay."

Of course there would be situations where due to numbers simply not working out, it wouldn't be possible to accommodate all women's preferences, but it should be possible to at least try a lot of the time.

Michelle ah thank you. I think I will just wait and see what options the hospital give me. If they are not satisfactory then I will be writing a letter. I am considering a homebirth for all the wrong reasons IMO as I wouldn’t feel safe at home due to the extra monitoring we usually need and I will most likely get transferred anyway not worth the risk. I may have to deal with whatever I’m given but this has motivated me to join the local maternity voices. I will probably be laughed all the way out but at least I’ve tried.

Owl I don’t have the option of a private room at the hospital otherwise I would have paid for that the first time round. I did request it but none were available as they are for women who have had a section or twins etc which I respect. Many hospitals do have that option but none local to me unfortunately.

The OP has repeatedly said that a private room isn't an option at her hospital.

You're coming across as intelligent, articulate and well informed about these issues: that makes it harder to laugh away.

Seriously, in the next few years, women are going to need to stand up and say mixed sex spaces do not work for all women in all situations and choice must be provided.

Yes there are going to be practical issues. They're not insurmountable, and as a pp wisely says, a lot of this could be managed a lot of the time. And then we'd see less women on either side who have had experiences so bad that they're left remembering it with feelings this powerful. That's an awful thing, there has to be progress on from this.

To sum up, It seems like different hospitals have different policies. You should write to them and ask for clarification. Then write to you mp and ask for help with what your rights are.

But since you aren't even pregnant yet, I'd not be worrying about it.
Kinds stinks of some journalist fishing for a story here tbh. And your tone has been crappy to people.

And your tone has been crappy to people.

Funny, I'm not seeing that. I'm seeing someone articulate her very real concerns about a situation which (from this thread) would make quite a lot of women uncomfortable.

You think I’m a journalist fishing for a story. I’m surprised I am actually on the feminism board, didn’t think my asking for info on this would get me accused of this. First time for everything. Thanks for the tone policing, again.

I wish all hospitals would change their wards to single rooms. I realise with covid, money issues this won't be happening any time soon. I've never seen men staying over in a ward but seeing as you can undergo days of being in labour, experience all sorts of awful things during labour, have no sleep for days and then be shoved in a room with 3 other woman, their babies, and all their relatives (4/5 to a bed) crowded around the only toilet (using the only toilet!) in order to rest and look after your baby...... impossible! I once had my husband stay over but in a room ourselves after I had been readmitted due to infection after section, he wouldn't have dreamt of staying over if there had been any one else sharing the room! I honestly can't think of a worse time to share a room with other people, sleep deprived, sore, blood and other stuff coming out constantly, problem pooing, high emotions, sharing with mums with babies while yours is in neonatal. I seriously have no idea why it is a good idea. Have some common rooms for mums who feel fine and want a chat, leave the rest of us to get some SLEEP! Obviously covid has stoped some of this, no visitors (great!). I will never visit a new mum in hospital as she tries to establish BF and is suffering god knows what else, I refused any visitors for my 2nd except DH, DS and DM. I really hope you get your own space, sorry for my rant! Maybe if you can't get your own room they will make sure you are on a ward with woman who are not having anyone stay over.....you may have to keep asking during about and after for this!

Thanks Cara and Michelle and others who get it.

I’m not trying to start a war between the two ‘sides’ this never was about others it was about my situation and what I can do and will be a doing the above suggestion of writing to MP etc even if nothing happens for me personally, I want things to change for other women as I won’t be having anymore children after this anyway.

I don’t understand this idea that as I’m not pregnant I need to deal with it when the time comes. Really? I have multiple health conditions and complicated births so i do my research well before I even start ttc. My bad experiences previously mean i am very anxious this time so yes I will want to know what I can expect next time. Previously I was thrown into the situation, I had no idea men would be on the ward as my previous birth at the same hospital, they weren’t. This time I round i think it would be wise for me to know about what my options are and any other ‘surprises’ I may have to deal with. I’m not a ‘deal with it when the time comes’ type of person as i know it helps to be informed so can make choices and not accept whatever it thrown my way.

I complained on behalf of my sister after she experienced this in hospital having her last baby. She was too overwhelmed at the time to deal with it.

The response of the hospital was that most women were happy to have their partner there (helpful) and that if you feel uncomfortable of course you can ask to be on a different ward. They were really defensive of the suggestion that partners are allowed because they are understaffed. The hospital said my sister would have been informed of the arrangements either in a leaflet or via her midwife, but this wasn't the case. It was an unwelcome shock.

So definitely contact the hospital and see what arrangements there are for women who don't want to share a ward with a load of strange men. They should be able to provide a separate ward for mother's on their own or a side room.

Spot. You are right but these threads rarely go anywhere. Some want their partners, some dont, there is an option to pay for a private room but some hospitals dont have them. Some cannot/dont want to spend money on a private room when they think it should come free.

It just goes around in circles.

If I have to say what we can do NOW I would say no males in a female ward. If you really think that isnt fair on you then either you have a home birth, or go privately. There isnt a solution for all scenarios.

I had one via the NHS (but brought a single room) and one completely private but I saved up for the second one. It was that important to me.

The NHS is going to come under a lot of scrunity in the next few years. I dont think this issue will be at the top of the list.