Postnatal ward with male partners

[Badhairtoday]

Hi everyone,
I don’t want to debate whether other women should be allowed partners staying overnight on postnatal wards but this really gave me anxiety in my last birth (I won’t go into details of what happened but was too ‘out of it’ to say anything at the time)

I want to know what my options are this time. I will be speaking to someone from the hospital to discuss but wanted to know if I have any rights at all to challenge this, legally even.
I’m usually high risk so have to give birth on labour ward so inevitably will end up on postnatal ward for a number of days. I know they aren’t going to kick out the men for me but wondering If I have the right to ask to be on a female only bay? Side rooms are only for those with a clinical need.

Another hospital would be ideal but it’s too far away and I don’t see why I need to inconvenience myself because the hospital aren’t taking my feelings into account.

Would be great if someone can help. Have contacted various birth rights type organisations but haven’t had any response.

Thank you

Denise I’m not pregnant yet it’s more about later on when/if things go back to normal

I'm currently 30 weeks - I'll be lucky if my husband can stay with me for a couple of hours post-birth, let alone overnight.

I am so, so anxious about going into hospital as close relatives who have gone into hospital recently all have caught covid (3 of them).

I know this is all by the by but at the present time, I don't think any visitors can stay overnight at present at all (unless you are in active labour in which case presumably in a private room). This is my first and I'm dreading it 😫

I understand other women may wish their partners to be present but I think that really shouldn’t be treated as a “right”. I don’t see why someone’s wish to have their partner present, should trump someone else’s wish to have privacy on what should really be a single sex ward. Why should someone who wants privacy have to pay for the privilege (on a ward that by its very nature really should be single sex!) Surely if you want your partner present, you are the one who should pay for a private room?

The hospital I had my first in 5 years ago chucked everyone out at 9pm. My DH was still there at 9.05pm and the midwife gave him a right telling off He set an alarm to make sure he was gone at 8.50pm the next night!!

OP would it be a good idea to approach your booking in hospital to get an idea of what their policy is (probably post covid if you are only just starting to TTC?) I hope you can get a answer that will set your mind at rest

I didn't know this was a thing! I had my baby 5 years ago and men weren't allowed to stay in the ward overnight - and they'd be standing all night if they tried, as there were no chairs for them to sit on anyway!

That being said, there simply weren't enough nurses available to support the women and babies on the ward (at the time, one poor nurse was covering the entire floor. She was fantastic, but it literally often took an hour between me pressing the buzzer for pain relief and her arriving). I wasn't able to physically move for at least 24hours, and they put the baby in a cot way out of my reach. If my husband hadn't been there to pick him up, change him, feed him etc., I don't know what I would have done. There was literally no other help available.

Sadly it’s rarely as simple as putting woman without partners in their own bay. There aren’t usually bays just sat empty so, sometimes, it’s a case of finding the spare bed and putting the person there.

Lumisade I went into labour on the ward and there were other men and I really struggled to let myself go, i felt self concious with the noises I was making and I really hated that I couldn’t feel I could just get on with it but that wasn’t planned so I just accept it as something that happened but I feel I could be in more control of what happens postnatally

Balhammom yes that makes sense

Thanks crazycat lady

Yes I spoke to someone in PALS and asked them not to bother anyone as it’s not urgent esp with covid etc and that i just need contact details but she said it was fine and someone would be happy to ring me which I am very grateful for

@Badhairtoday

Hey sorry you’re going through this worry too. I posted on the normal part of Mumsnet and instead of people answering my actual question or attempting to help in anyway I got a tonne of women telling me all the reasons why they were grateful they were allowed to have their partners stay over and why I should be ok with a curtain for privacy etc. It was shocking and upsetting.

I sympathise, op and Badhair.

It's so silly too because most women who have no complications are only in hospital for one night, if that. When I had my baby; nobody stayed overnight; a husband would be with the mother whilst giving birth, see her and the baby settled on the ward and then go, returning at visiting time. That was fine, I went home the next day.

I'd have hated being in a room with a load of strange men, some no doubt talking, phoning, eating and drinking or snoring their heads off. I fail to see the point, there's time enough for 'him' to do his hands on parenting when mum and baby go home.

Badhair is op, sorry, my bad.

I fail to see the point, there's time enough for 'him' to do his hands on parenting when mum and baby go home.

Lots of people have explained the point though - the point being that there aren’t enough staff to help you take care of the baby by yourself. If you’ve had a caesarean, twins or more, or are hooked up to catheters and IVs then you need someone to help you.

I had an emergency c section at 8pm. Twins went straight to NICU. DH went home after we had been allowed to see them in the early hours of the morning. But if I’d been put into postnatal at midnight by myself with twins, when I could barely roll over in bed let alone reach and lift twins wherever they cried or needed feeding, there’s no way I could have cared for them by myself. Years ago the babies would have gone to a nursery area where there were enough staff to care for them while you recovered. Then women were expected to care for their babies alone, with the support of sufficient midwives. Now there’s too few staff. If we were in a situation where I’d had the babies right away, wanting my DH to stay would have been nothing to do with him getting hands on time, and everything to do with not being able to manage two babies alone after major surgery.

OP, I hope they can sort something out for you. It’s awful to feel this way and I completely understand it. My issues are around another area of the process and I’ve just decided not to have any more babies as I can’t deal with it.

If there's no complications during the birth you can be discharged from the delivery room, so much better. Otherwise no there's nothing you can do

Ni idea what the issue is. I've never been on a postnatal ward where partners were allowed to stay. I was disappointed.

@Badhairtoday

Sorry to inform you but partners could stay on the ward 22 years ago when I had my dd. It's normal here in Britain. Women on Mumsnet are complaining bitterly that due to covid it's been stopped.

SinkGirl: If you’ve had a caesarean, twins or more, or are hooked up to catheters and IVs then you need someone to help you.
..
Yes but they are the exceptions; I was talking about people who have had a straightforward delivery.

Unfortunately myself and babies are high risk so we need the monitoring otherwise ofcourse I would discharge myself. I am tempted to do that this time but I doubt they’d let me discharge the baby if he or she needs monitoring like last time and the time before that. Will ask and see what my options are.

movingonup
“It’s normal here in Britain”!
Born here and lived here all my life thank you. It’s definitely not “normal here in Britain” nor at my hospital as I gave birth here. Also the hospital in the next city it’s not actually allowed to have partners stay over night. And clearly from the posts here and elsewhere it’s not normal in other parts of the U.K. too. Just depends on the actual hospital. And even if after doing research it is ‘normal’ then what I’m asking is if there’s any choice. The fact that NHS frowns upon mixed sex wards in other areas to the point they have to report breaches tells me it’s not normal for mixing the sexes on wards but because of staffing issues more recently they have allowed this.

Tatutata thanks for your input

[quote movingonup20]@Badhairtoday

Sorry to inform you but partners could stay on the ward 22 years ago when I had my dd. It's normal here in Britain. Women on Mumsnet are complaining bitterly that due to covid it's been stopped. [/quote]
5 years ago in Leeds it wasn’t allowed. It changed at some point, as 3 years ago it was. I was in for 2 weeks with DC2, as DH had to leave to look after DC1 I was alone.

Luckily as we we’re on transitionary care, there was enough midwife support and being April it was quiet until the last day. At one point one of the male overnight visitors was kicking off in the cubicle next to me, the guy from the couple who we became friends with came and sat with me (he asked if I wanted him to) as it was scary. They threatened to get security if he didn’t settle down. Sadly he did and was allowed to stay, but no one got much sleep that night. I found it quite traumatic.

I had had a spinal block and catheter for my first birth but not a c section and it was difficult on postanatal ward where everyone else was able to walk around but I was lumped on the bed trying to breastfeed lying down. So I know all about that. I’m not saying partners shouldn’t be allowed I made that clear in my first post to avoid all this again I just wanted to know what my choices are. If you have the choice to have your partner that’s great but I’m not talking about that here.

I think the women complaining in the context of covid are actually talking about having their partner visit as usual, I don’t think they mean staying over night

@Badhairtoday I don't know the answer to your question but I hope you have some success in challenging it.

When I had my DD in 2016 there was a strict set of visiting hours only. No overnight visitors. That changed just a year later in 2017 when I had my DS.

I don't have a religious reason for not wanting to sleep in the same room as several other men when I've just given birth. I want to be in a single sex space for new mothers because I am a woman and that's what makes me comfortable.

Women managed for many years without men in the post natal ward. I see no studies about the amount of them who were traumatised bu their husbands not being there.

Please put in a complaint. This wokery nonsense won't go away unless women stick up for themselves.

Marmite,
That must have been terrifying. I had things going on during the night too, there must’ve been rules in place but nobody was around to enforce them and I wouldn’t have dared complain at that time, they would have known it was me and I already felt ‘watched’ by them. It’s one thing if you’re on your own but having a baby to deal with too, couple that with have your bloody bits torn to shreds where you would struggle to defend yourself or run to get help as it would take me a good few minutes to actually get off the bed etc. So many will say partners mind their own business and are too busy with their own babies and partners, there’s curtains etc. Well not everyone is the same believe and if you have a bad experience you’ll do what you can to try not to go through that again. Wish people would have more empathy.

Tired queen I completely agree with you, this is more of a women’s rights issue to me than it is religious. It’s about choices.

@Badhairtoday

Marmite, That must have been terrifying. I had things going on during the night too, there must’ve been rules in place but nobody was around to enforce them and I wouldn’t have dared complain at that time, they would have known it was me and I already felt ‘watched’ by them. It’s one thing if you’re on your own but having a baby to deal with too, couple that with have your bloody bits torn to shreds where you would struggle to defend yourself or run to get help as it would take me a good few minutes to actually get off the bed etc. So many will say partners mind their own business and are too busy with their own babies and partners, there’s curtains etc. Well not everyone is the same believe and if you have a bad experience you’ll do what you can to try not to go through that again. Wish people would have more empathy.

I’d had a section, so not exactly at my speedy best!

The dad who sat with us was a paramedic, so calm under pressure and understanding of NHS policies. I count thank him enough, and it’s become one of our ‘war stories’.

I was in a similar position albeit for very different reasons.

Scotland here as well. Incase that makes a difference.

Rural community. Due to my job, I found myself when attending routine appointments, feeling extremely vulnerable. I had multiple losses and was consultant led and scanned weekly.

I practice in criminal and family law, with a specific role in safeguarding and representing children in high conflict cases.

Every time I attended the hospital there was a client present, or worse, an opponent.

I spoke to the lead midwife and was allocated a side room on basis of vulnerability. There were two clients in when I had Dd. Many of the staff were also known to me but that was not an issue.

I did have to go to the main ward for a while after theatre and there was an incident with an aggrieved opponent, who was male and the partner of a lady there. He recognised me and called me a stupid bitch, that's fine at work but not when I'm half dressed and bleeding. I was moved immediately and he was removed. I later saw her at court, she was delighted our babies shared a birthday and apologised for her ex behaviour, clearly nothing to do with her but still.

I had second in December, room was allocated without me asking. Marked on notes. This time partners were different due to covid and visiting very much restricted. The staff were acutely aware of the position I was in and absolutely wonderful.

I am probably not explaining this very well but for me, and here, the allocation was based on the exposure and vulnerable side rather than anything else and the staff on the ward were absolutely happy to support that. The partner issue just exasperated things for me as I could glance in a ward and feel safe but then had no control or idea who would appear later.

I suppose the other factor was I was Elcs so in a sense they knew when I was coming and could allocate ahead. Second time I had to wait a few hours for room to be deep cleaned but no visiting was going on and main ward was practically empty.