Men using Mumsnet for support

[LoeliaPonsonby]

Bear with me. This is not particularly coherent and I am not as eloquent as many of you on here.

But I am naffed off with the increasing number of men using Mumsnet for emotional support (Fully prepared to be told actually it’s always been this way and it’s all in my head). Why are they choosing Mumsnet for their emotional labours? What’s wrong with Pistonheads, or Digital Spy, or another interest based forum?

It just massively gets my back up. I have no problem with random women asking for advice, first time poster or no. But when a man comes along and wants advice about the fact he’s not happy in his marriage, or that he’s realised he’s gay and has screwed over his wife and family (but let’s not talk about them), I just want to say, just fuuuuuck offfff. We are all busy picking up the pieces of the women who’ve been screwed over by your emotional cowardice, can’t you find some men to sort you out?

In real life, I don’t believe in tribalism, in only helping my own “kind”. But on MN it really pisses me off.

So I don’t know what I’m asking. Or why I’m posting this.

Too often it becomes clear that their wife is a mumsnetter and they're either trying to manipulate her into taking him back, or into feeling sorry for him, or he's sometimes even attempting to get a group of mumsnetters to slag the wife off so he can say to her "See? All your mumsnet mates think you're a bitch too".

Too often it's obvious that there is a subtext to the posting.

Men using MN for genuine parenting support is absolutely fine - 'by parents, for parents'. But some of the stuff you describe, yes, it's manipulative and misplaced.

Mumsnet describes itself as by parents for parents.

There many female posters who are not parents, or, like me, whose children are well into adulthood. Do you want to stop them posting too? They are more in breach of the strapline demographic than a man who might be a parent.

There's nothing in MNHQ rules that says men can't post on here.

I agree. The men who post are always the most wonderful partners, who do the majority of housework, whilst also looking after the kids and working full-time. They never actually say their partners are 'bitches', but you know they are thinking it with their faux 'why won't she love me, I'm amazing'.

As Pics sai, all subtext. Taking us as buffoons.

I never comment on them. Just roll my eyes and move on.

I'm always rather wary of such posters having supported several MNetters over the years who were chased off the boards by an abusive ex partner stalking them in this way, trying to gain the information to find her.

I think it's OK for men to post on here, providing it's not for emotional manipulation purposes. I'm not big on the idea of gatekeeping (though I know that's potentially controversial on MN)

Why don't you (general you) set up your own forum for female posters only?

Ffs Dido the op clearly isn't talking about who is and isn't allowed to post on MN, or who the "strapline" is targeting, or anything she like that. She's very clearly said that she annoyed by men seeking out women for emotional support instead of other men, when often the support they are after revolves around having hurt other women. Many men contribute to this forum with no problem whatsoever, but the OP is talking specifically about men who use the forum simply because they want to be coddled by women. How you got from that to "the op wants to ban the parents of adult children from posting" is beyond me.

YANBU

Too often it's obvious that there is a subtext to the posting.

This is why I take issue with it too. It's not about them being male.

its easy to ignore these men, I do it all the time

Well, like anything, it depends on the person. Remember that sweet guy who wanted to buy a small (vegan) gift for a third date that fell on/near valentines and was super invested in the whole thing and looking for advice? And there are some idiots, but not every female poster is perfect either.

I have no issue with men in general on this forum. Bitching about your toddler only eating Branston Beans that were harvested during the second full moon of the year? Fine, crack on. Chipping in about plants that like North facing gardens? Whatever. Asking about schools? Brilliant.

But when your first or only post is about some thorny relationship or personal issue, with a long navel gazing intro generally about how you are misunderstood as a man, I am left wondering why is their thought to turn to an overwhelmingly female forum for support. Why don’t they turn to other places?

And as I said, it’s hard to articulate, because I’ve asked anonymous strangers on Mumsnet for advice on deeply personal issues. Women do it on here all the time. I can’t articulate why it’s different - is it just because it’s rare for women to post with the paragraph of exceptionalism at the beginning? Is it the tone deafness, the expectation that a forum that’s overwhelmingly full of people Not Like You (in other words, women), will automatically help you?

And I’m completely capable of rolling my eyes and scrolling on when I see a post by a woman that makes my teeth itch. But when it’s a bloke it rankles!

I suppose it's a hazard of being good at what we do - supporting each other. Personally I have made the decision not to voluntarily support men any more* (with certain very specific exceptions) and so I just apply that on here, as I do in real life.

• Men often explicitly or implicitly ask me to do things that will make their lives easier. If it will not cause undue risk to me or my livelihood, I politely decline, AND within the day find a context in which I can put that effort towards something a woman is doing instead. They are often very surprised and it is sometimes very rewarding

@nearlynermal

Well, like anything, it depends on the person. Remember that sweet guy who wanted to buy a small (vegan) gift for a third date that fell on/near valentines and was super invested in the whole thing and looking for advice? And there are some idiots, but not every female poster is perfect either.

I don’t remember this - but from what you describe, a man asked a bunch of other women to sort his shit out so he could look good? Why didn’t he ask on a vegan forum?

They're just outsourcing the verbal bashing.

A few then try to DM other members.

I agree.

WE ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT HUMANS

I agree OP. I ignore those sort of posts, seen too much creepy and inappropriate behaviour.

Some men using sob stories to get women to private message, some husbands using the site to prove their wives wrong and some using the site to stalk and target ex partners. Quite often that type of male poster will get a weird little group of handmaidens who will spring to their defence and tell everyone else to be kind.

There have been a lot of trolls, scammers and embellishers on here, but I have never seen a female poster in 15 years make these types of posts.

@DidoLamenting

Mumsnet describes itself as by parents for parents.

There many female posters who are not parents, or, like me, whose children are well into adulthood. Do you want to stop them posting too? They are more in breach of the strapline demographic than a man who might be a parent.

There's nothing in MNHQ rules that says men can't post on here.

This. This thread always comes up every now and again and @MNHQ are always very clear that both men and women are allowed to post. It's a site for support for all.

@LoeliaPonsonby I don't think you're alone, there's enough who are also pissed off that they usually get short shrift and sent packing!

It's the twats who are wanking along to the thread who make my stomach turn.

There's dads net, could post that next time.

I agree entirely with you @LoeliaPonsonby and I could have also guessed who would have posted to tell you how wrong you are too.

A few years ago a man came on works 90 hours a week takes care of the children 100 hours a week (yes im exaggerating for those who can't tell) his non working wife did none of the care for the preschool children sat on her arse all day as he owned the house could he put her out? Amazingly some women said he was not being Unreasonable poor baby of course he could put her out he sent a few dick pics and was banned

I have to admit I was a bit suspicious about his claims and I'm suspicious of men who seek help from a forum with the word mum in the title it says support for all parents but "mum" implys female right? While there is nothing "wrong" with it im less likely to help because I feel like it's a deliberate target instead of a genuine ask for help

I think people, men and women, gravitate towards women for problem solving. Some posts are clearly more calculated than that though.

What I can't abide, what I experienced on Netmums, is being patronised by men in a largely female space. There are a couple single dads there that have a a major martyr complex, as it's much harder to be a single dad remember, who completely dismiss, belittle and talk over female issues. That is BEYOND infuriating. If you are going to use a predominantly female space, as defined or not, recognise the context and listen to it, don't try to talk over it.