Men using Mumsnet for support

[LoeliaPonsonby]

Bear with me. This is not particularly coherent and I am not as eloquent as many of you on here.

But I am naffed off with the increasing number of men using Mumsnet for emotional support (Fully prepared to be told actually it’s always been this way and it’s all in my head). Why are they choosing Mumsnet for their emotional labours? What’s wrong with Pistonheads, or Digital Spy, or another interest based forum?

It just massively gets my back up. I have no problem with random women asking for advice, first time poster or no. But when a man comes along and wants advice about the fact he’s not happy in his marriage, or that he’s realised he’s gay and has screwed over his wife and family (but let’s not talk about them), I just want to say, just fuuuuuck offfff. We are all busy picking up the pieces of the women who’ve been screwed over by your emotional cowardice, can’t you find some men to sort you out?

In real life, I don’t believe in tribalism, in only helping my own “kind”. But on MN it really pisses me off.

So I don’t know what I’m asking. Or why I’m posting this.

@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark I've had my ups and downs with identifying as a feminist, partially due to threads like these. Do you think being a feminist and a nice person are incompatible?

Whereas Jane down the road who just doesn't want to do it, "just because', is still allowed to say no

And John across the road was never asked. Because he’s very busy you know, and his time is valuable. I couldn’t bother him with a thing like this.

@Quaagars

We'll have to agree to disagree

So if a man refused to help you solely because you're a woman, that'd be OK?
No dynamics at play, just one person wanting help from another.
You'd be OK with him saying no just because of your sex?

There are always dynamics at play.

No I didn't. Check usernames

Apologies, wasn't you, you seem to have been answering for someone else so didn't see the name.
Still not entirely sure how much I do or don't post on the thread has anything to do with another woman referring to themselves as a support human though!

@Cocothefirst If you're mates with a man and he asks you to pass the gravy at dinner, is that having dynamics at play? Or if your husband asks you to shove some of his dirty clothes in the washing machine so he can hang them up when he gets back?

These are all men asking for favours, but I'm not sure I'd consider there to be "dynamics at play".

[quote feministfemme]@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark I've had my ups and downs with identifying as a feminist, partially due to threads like these. Do you think being a feminist and a nice person are incompatible?[/quote]
Where did I say that, feministfemme?

Do you think that someone (a woman, specifically) who isn’t nice to all people, all the time, in every situation cannot be a nice person in general?

@S00LA

Whereas Jane down the road who just doesn't want to do it, "just because', is still allowed to say no

And John across the road was never asked. Because he’s very busy you know, and his time is valuable. I couldn’t bother him with a thing like this.

This.

@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark I think if a man refused to help me because I was a woman, it would be discriminatory. I think the same thing about women who refuse men on the sole basis of sex or gender. Everyone is fully entitled to say no for whatever reason in a social context, but I still think it's prejudicial.

[quote feministfemme]@Blibbyblobby So I agree - if people are using you or stalling you for their own malicious gain then of course you're under no obligation to help them out. But the poster said she'd avoid helping most men, and I don't think most men are out to get you when asking for help.[/quote]
Of course they aren't out to "get us". They just see Woman, think Mum. But the result is the same.

@Quaagars

No I didn't. Check usernames

Apologies, wasn't you, you seem to have been answering for someone else so didn't see the name.
Still not entirely sure how much I do or don't post on the thread has anything to do with another woman referring to themselves as a support human though!

I'm making the point that the insistence that the presence of the wrong kind of thoughts in a woman's head makes an inaction unkind...

is having entirely the wrong effect on me.

The post that triggered this tangent just made me shrug a little and then I moved on, because I don't think people have a right to favours or help off others. People say no sometimes, basically, and whatever those reasons are, it doesn't undermine their right to say no. People help because they want to. If they don't, they don't..

Everyone is fully entitled to say no for whatever reason in a social context, but I still think it's prejudicial

This, of course people can say no to whoevever they like, but if they're saying no purely from a prejudiced viewpoint, that doesn't make it any better.
Nothing to do with "women be nice."
Prejudice and discriminating is always just that regardless of who it's coming from.

I hate it when men post. It feels like I am being encroached on, or they have infiltrated somewhere they shouldn’t be. I also know it’s completely crackers to take it so personally but I do and that’s how I feel about that!

I agree OP.

The huge mansplaining post usually sets the scene very well.

There have been a few recently. They always seem to be falling on their sword. It’s funny sometimes because after the initial gushing of ‘LTB’ posters with a bit more experience come on a pull the post to pieces. Man then starts to get arsey.

I remember one from years ago that was spying on his wife during a court case and she had to delete all her posts. It’s actually really easy to find some one you know who’s frequents on here.

@DoormatBob
I just like how mumsnet posts are typically about day-to-day life, I've not seen that on any male dominated forums

Good point, is there anywhere else apart from here that has day to day life? Netmums I suppose lol but that's about it.
That's why I like MN so much, getting different perspectives, different viewpoints, kind of like a window into others lives, stands to reason that would apply to both men and women!

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@TikTakTikTak
It’s wrong and twisted imho because it’s sexist to purposely refuse all men just because they are the opposite sex and it’s all about the giver getting a good rush of feelings for herself that she only gets by helping women especially women who didn’t ask for and don’t actually need her help.

I believe we should help any human or creature in need. Would you check the sex of a hungry stray dog or cat before helping it and kick a male one away? Would you see a lost boy and go, Er no, that’s a manchild so no help from me.? Most people wouldn’t and it’s sad to think some women think it a good think to treat a man in need worse than they’d treat a dog in need.[/quote]
Man means adult human male, not child, nor dog, not even a cat.

There can't be overall karmic consequences to doing this because plenty of men refuse to help women already.

So yes, if I want to help women not men, then that's what I'll do.

This is the old donkey sanctuary issue again, isn’t it, Quarters and Femme. Choosing to support donkeys doesn't mean we hate dogs.

Women have a limited "helping budget" to use on here, because we're busy, with life and stuff. So many women are in need of help, and there isn't enough to go round. Women (especially women who frequent this particular board and thus have a good understanding of structural inequalities women face) are choosing to use up their "helping budget" helping women, not men.

That's OK, you know. We don't need to share our support services around equally between men and women.

I believe we should help any human or creature in need

There are a hell of a lot of people and creatures in need out there. No single human can help them all. What criteria do you use to decide who you help and who you don't, and why is that more valid than anyone else's?

[quote Quaagars]@DoormatBob
I just like how mumsnet posts are typically about day-to-day life, I've not seen that on any male dominated forums

Good point, is there anywhere else apart from here that has day to day life? Netmums I suppose lol but that's about it.
That's why I like MN so much, getting different perspectives, different viewpoints, kind of like a window into others lives, stands to reason that would apply to both men and women![/quote]
Probably because quite often men's day-to-day life is just getting up, sorting themselves, going to work, coming home when children are getting ready for bed, and spending weekends on "hobbies".

While day-to-day life for their partner is all the organising of school runs, keeping the household running, plus children's needs being met, plus their own jobs.

Too often, men have far too little a clue how much work is involved in "day-to-day life" because they don't do it.

Hopefully, this pandemic has changed that for some families.

I couldn’t agree more OP.

Drives me mental, as do the women who fawn over them in a way that they never do over women.

@PegasusReturns

I couldn’t agree more OP.

Drives me mental, as do the women who fawn over them in a way that they never do over women.

Absolutely

Women have a limited "helping budget" to use on here, because we're busy, with life and stuff. So many women are in need of help, and there isn't enough to go round. Women (especially women who frequent this particular board and thus have a good understanding of structural inequalities women face) are choosing to use up their "helping budget" helping women, not men.

That's a very good way of putting it.

I think men cause so much misery and work for many of the women posting on here that it would be best if they read the room...Made some space...Asked themselves if they need to ask women to do the work of solving their problems when so many of us do that day after day anyway.

Agree with lots of pp really but had to say it. I’m so enduringly tired of men and their ways.

*Too often, men have far too little a clue how much work is involved in "day-to-day life" because they don't do it.

Hopefully, this pandemic has changed that for some families.*

Some I'm sure; Dh has had to be involved more in many ways.

However it was interesting that male academic output went up while female academic research slowed, over all.

I apologise Doris for posting, so I’ll make this my only post.

Why is the focus more on what women are choosing to do, as opposed to having expectations on men to engage in reciprocity when it comes to adding value to their presence in any given situation?

I can’t articulate why it’s different - is it just because it’s rare for women to post with the paragraph of exceptionalism at the beginning? Is it the tone deafness, the expectation that a forum that’s overwhelmingly full of people Not Like You (in other words, women), will automatically help you?

It's because it's yet another example of men using women. The paragraph writer may as well be standing there mute, in front of the washing machine holding a sock, making puppy eyes - oooh help me darling. Or making same puppy eyes at a school pick up rota - 'But I've got football training'. This time, they're stood waiting, completely expecting women (plural) to feel honoured to step in and mop up the emotional mess too.

It's even more annoying when it's so cynical.